Last night’s Revolution was being promoted all week long as featuring the epic sounds of Led Zeppelin, and I’m not going to lie, I was pretty excited.
It is a well-known fact that obtaining the rights to use Zeppelin songs is pretty difficult: the British rock band is stingy about whom, and what Hollywood projects, can use their music. It’s a pretty short list of whom they've granted song rights in the past: Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous, a 2001 Cadillac commercial and Argo are among the few. So when I first saw the promo for last night’s episode, “Kashmir,” I could barely contain my glee.
Unfortunately, the episode did not live up to my admittedly high expectations. Only two songs were featured: the titular, iconic “Kashmir” and slower “Since I’ve Been Loving You.” And honestly, the way the songs were used were a complete waste. When you have the extremely-hard-to-acquire rights to use Led Zeppelin, use the songs wisely! Revolution did not do that.
The first time we heard some zep rock last night was when Rachel (Elizabeth Mitchell) was working in a lab on a bomb to take out the Monroe Militia, and her pendant is powering a record player. We hear “Since I’ve Been Loving You” playing in the background of the scene, and… then it’s over. Blink and you miss it!
The second time we get to hear Led Zeppelin is when Miles (Billy Burke) is having an oxygen-deprived hallucination about finally meeting face-to-face with his ex-BFF Monroe. The legendary sounds of “Kashmir” build up until Miles and Monroe hug. The scene really gave viewers a deeper look into the complicated psychological relationship between these two important and dangerous characters. But let me reiterate, this was just a hallucination. It didn’t really happen! Why waste such an epic song on a scene that wasn’t real?
Series creator Eric Kripke made a huge mistake with how he used the music, I'm afraid. Why not use the songs on another show--one that, for eight seasons, has dropped massive Led Zeppelin references and has constantly sung the praises of the legendary rock band? I’m talking, of course, about Kripke’s other TV show, Supernatural. The series is basically one long love letter to Zeppelin – many episodes are named after their songs or lyrics, Dean’s (Jensen Ackles) favorite songs are “Travelling Riverside Blues” and “Ramble On,” and band member names are often used as fake government names by the Winchesters. And yet, not a single Zeppelin song has been used because of rights issues. Why, then, did Kripke waste such an amazing opportunity on Revolution? Especially when the way the songs were used was so un-creative and uninspired?
Those poor Winchester boys just can’t catch a break.
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The first thing you notice about Jonah Hex is the fact that you can make a drinking game out of people saying the words "Jonah Hex." It happens so often I began to believe that this was simply how people used to greet one another in the Old West. You walk into a room: “Jonah Hex!” “Well Jonah Hex to you too buddy!” Take a bottle of whiskey with you into the movie* and take a shot every time someone says his name and you will have an incredible 74 minutes. You might also be dead at the end.
Why does it feel like I’m dedicating half the review to the use of the words "Jonah Hex?" Because half the movie is dedicated to uttering the words "Jonah Hex." Learn to love the sound of it. Josh Brolin sure did.
When our ‘hero’ (and I use that word in the loosest of possible terms) isn’t busy having people remind him of his name he is riding around killing people or being made fun of for his horribly scarred face. But when a villain from his past – and when I say "past " I mean from 10 minutes earlier in the film – turns out not to be as dead as we were led to believe in the opening monologue Hex sets out to get the revenge he really wish he could have gotten 15 minutes earlier. And that’s when the movie beings its plunge into logical implausibility. If you can find a single reason to give a rat's *** about anyone in this movie grip onto it with both hands brother and hold on tight – it’s the only way you’re going to care at all about this film.
It’s not the horse with side-mounted Gatling guns that got me or the silliness of dynamite crossbows; it was just how unlikable everyone was and how it leaned heavily upon cliché to tell a story without understanding how a story like this is supposed to be told. Revenge films are like romantic comedies: They rely entirely on a weak coincidence and delivering a series of emotional money shots that pay off for the audience in a big way. More importantly these money shots must be delivered in a very specific structure that allows people to forgive any thin or contrived story elements. Where a romantic comedy is "Boy Meets Girl Boy Loses Girl Boy gets Girl Back " revenge films are mostly comprised of "Guy Finds Simple Bliss Bad Guy Ruins Simple Bliss in a Cruel Manner Guy Left for Dead Guy Gets Revenge for All He’s Lost." Very simple stuff. Whether it’s Maximus in Gladitor or Eric Draven in The Crow or Charles Rane in Rolling Thunder the structure is the same. The key to a good revenge movie is a likable good guy a reason to care about his life truly despicable bad guys and a perfectly crafted ending for our hero in particular – often involving his death.
Right from the start Jonah Hex drops the ball. We open with him tied up and getting wailed on watching his family get murdered just out of frame and then get left for dead. But we haven’t found anything to care for yet and more importantly he immediately admits to having done everything he’s been accused of. This is revenge to begin with. Sure the movie eventually gets around to trying to explain why he didn’t really deserve it but only after 45 minutes of us pretty much disliking the guy. He’s mean unlikable murderous and his only friend in the world is a prostitute who tells us that she “Don’t play house ” just before begging Jonah to settle down with her. He’s got a great horse and a dog but doesn’t like them enough to have ever given them a name and every time someone finally gets around to killing him magical Native Americans show up to save his bacon AGAIN for no apparent reason other than his wife was Native American.
The only reason to root for Jonah at all is because he’s the protagonist and his antagonist (played comically by John Malkovich) is on a mission to I kid you not destroy America with a semi-magical nation-destroying weapon. Oh yes and we’re told the Mexicans call him “Terrorista.” A Terrorist hellbent on destroying America? In the Old West? You’d be hard pressed to find anyone you wouldn’t root for fighting that guy. This had all the hallmarks of being a WWE movie without the cool logo. If you’re 13 years old and you still believe wrestling is real this might be the movie for you. Otherwise it is an exercise in silliness designed to rob you of $10.
*Hollywood.com accepts no responsibility to cirrhosis of the liver or any sudden death caused by ingestion of alcohol occurring during the course of this game.
Appropriately enough this movie gets its title from the stinking saltwater lake in California's Imperial Valley that used to be a popular recreation spot before irrigation runoff poisoned the waters the fish and the community surrounding it. It's this run-down white-trash desert "destination" that serves as the backdrop for this arty noirish unpleasant film that more than borrows from Memento and Pulp Fiction. Val Kilmer is Danny Parker once a successful jazz trumpeter who wore cool suits and loved his beautiful wife very much. Tragedy strikes when he sees her gunned down in a drug deal and he vows revenge. To that end he adopts a new identity and goes deep--too deep--undercover as an informer for a couple of narcs (Anthony LaPaglia and Doug Hutchison). Danny (now Tom) infiltrates a gang of methamphetamine addicts led by a particularly nasty human specimen known as Pooh-Bear (Vincent D'Onofrio) who has snorted so much crystal he has to wear a plastic nose and reenacts the Kennedy assassination with pigeons just for kicks. In due time Danny completely loses his identity and morphs into Tom becoming into a junkie himself living in a vermin-ridden fleabag apartment and hanging with a bunch of "tweaker" losers like Jimmy "The Fin" (Peter Sarsgaard) while never losing sight of the score he wants to settle.
Val Kilmer's slippery detached demeanor is just what's required as his character fatalistically recounts his sad story via voiceover allowing the viewer to tag along with him as he explores what makes Danny/Tom tick. Kilmer seems to do best with character studies rather than action roles (i.e. his Jim Morrison in The Doors versus his parts in big-budget flops like The Saint and Red Planet). Vincent D'Onofrio almost seems like he's trying to re-create elements of his horribly depraved character in The Cell here. But in that movie it worked; in this one it doesn't. He's too out there for a small-time drug dealer and you're left going "Oh come on already." Oddly frighteningly this is Val Kilmer's movie.
This movie tries so hard to capitalize on the sleeper success of Memento but Tony Gayton's (Murder by Numbers) script completely lacks that film's tight originality and creative execution. Director D.J. Caruso tells the story in flashbacks and time shifts that keep you paying attention but which sometimes just confuse. Plus there's too much emphasis on the secondary characters and their theatrics--it's just self-indulgent filmmaking. Caruso's strong suit is that in his belaboring of many points he manages to create an authentically seedy gritty and evocative atmosphere especially making good use of the Salton Sea as a backdrop--both literally and figuratively--in his imagery.