Bachelor Pad, Bachelor Pad, it's time for Bachelor Pad! Yes, I'm singing. And there are probably (there totally are) jazz hands involved. After last week's shocker of an elimination — Nooooooo Michael! — I'm actually pre-tty excited to see what drama is going to bubble over. Plus, all the promos for this week's episode feature the most intense spelling bee ever. I'm not ashamed to say that I watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN every year. When the parents of those homeschoolers let them out of the cupboard they really know how to let loose.
But before we get to the promised spelling bee, Chris Harrison pops in to announce that from here on out, everyone will be playing as couples. Couples will vote together and leave together. Rachel is all, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't have done this last week?" And Nick is like, "Sheit, now I'm stuck with the crying girl." Sarah and Chris, meanwhile, can't believe they're still around (and neither can I). "Do you think people are upset that we're still here?" Sarah says. I am! I'm upset! Go home already.
Hey you guys! There's a school bus outside! We are getting so close to the spelling bee I can smell it. Ugh, you know what I just realized? This is Bachelor Pad, which means there's going to be a twist. Yep, there it is. The couples have to spell the words by alternating letters. This is going to be painful.
The first round of words is a gimme. The contestants power through words like love, rose, kiss, sexy, and heart. Round two, however, is not so easy. Engagement ring, jewelry, rose ceremony, obsessive, and elimination all trip up our geniuses. Ding! goes the bell with each wrong word. It's three strikes and you're out at the Bachelor Pad spelling bee, and all of a sudden it's down to Jaclyn and Ed vs Sarah and Chris.
Aphrodisiac — ding!
Philanderer — ding!
It's time for sudden death. First couple to spell a word correctly wins.
Chris and Sarah. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH. And everyone is crying, myself included. Ed and Jaclyn get the consolation prize of a date, but no rose.
So here's the thing. As much as I can't stand Chris (and now Sarah), he must be doing something right. How is it that everyone in the house hates him and he's still there? The only answer is that his sneaky, swarmy ways are paying off. But, now that they're safe, this is the kind of conversation we have to sit through:
Sarah: I can't believe we won.
Chris: I can!
Sarah: Does this make us the smartest in the house?
Chris: We already knew we were the smartest.
Sarah: We already knew that, this just confirms it.
Sarah: We definitely are modest winners.
Excuse me while I gauge my eyes out with a blunt pencil.
Immediately following the spelling bee, gloating goats Chris and Sarah are swept into a plane and off to their romantic overnight date at a vineyard. They are snuggling and bragging and talking about nothing. It's scintillating television. Chris and Sarah "stumble" upon a picnic by the lake and decide to go for a swim. Good thing they're wearing their bathing suits under their cocktail attire. Like the Boy Scouts, contestants on Bachelor Pad are always prepared.
Back at the house… Rachel is a disaster. She spends an hour frantically applying concealer, but there's no fixing her puffy crying face. Nick is starting to realize just how f***ed he is.
On part two of Sarah and Chris' date (dinner! In a barn! With candles!) they decide to start talking about Emily. Christopher, honey, it's far too late for you to pretend to still be heartbroken over Mama Maynard. And it is far far far too late for you to redeem yourself in my eyes. You may be saying cute things now, but that doesn't mean you're not a dick.
As the sun sets on the Bachelor Pad mansion Blakeley, Jaclyn, and Rachel grab their snuggies, booze, and tubs of ice cream (okay not really, but they might as well) and reconvene by the pool to make some pliz-ans. They decide that Lindzi and Kalon have got to go this week. And whoa, they mean serious business, they are pinkie swearing. I kind of hope they can pull this off.
It's date time for Jaclyn and Mr. I-don't-want-a-relationship. I feel so bad for this girl. But there's no time to wallow in the pangs of unrequited love, because there is a biplane with their names on it. Not literally. The plane lands on some mystical island. Are we still in California, Toto? I stopped paying attention, and I have no idea what California looks like.
(Back at the mansion, we watch Tony and Blakeley have their own date on a blanket in the driveway, but this coupling is just too weird for words so there's no need to linger on it.)
Time for serious talks at the picnic for Ed and Jaclyn. Ed drops a major bomb: he has a lady friend back home. Poor Jaclyn is devastated, and I really can't blame her. "If I had known, I wouldn't have acted that way," she says. Which is code for, "You gigantic douchebag, I wouldn't have done the dirty with you and basically help you cheat on your sorta girlfriend if I had known." But they don't stop there. One outfit change and later, the two are arguing over dinner.
Jaclyn: I don't want to look like a whore.
Ed: I don't want to look like an asshole.
Jaclyn (again): I don't want to look like a whore.
Ed then tries to rationalize why it's okay for them to sleep in the same bed every night but not be a Bachelor Pad couple. Against her better judgement, Jaclyn decides to say screw it and continue to, well, screw him.
The ever-changing Facebook status quality of Jaclyn and Ed's unraveling relationship was so compelling, the producers decided to cut out the part where they furthered the game by giving Jac and Ed roses. Jaclyn and Ed don't get to keep the roses, though, they have to choose another couple on which to bestow immunity. Cue the a** kissing. To a swelling score of classical music, each couple pleads their case to the great and mighty Ed and Jaclyn. "Oh, spare us from cruelty! D!eliver us immunity! Bequeath us the all-powerful rose!" they chime. Much to Chris' chagrin, Ed and Jaclyn choose to give the rose to Blakeley and Tony.
And that brings us to the rose ceremony. Old married couple Lindzi/ Kalon and newbie pair Rachel/Nick are on the chopping block. Kalon is trying to be sneaky (again) and "plant seeds" of sending Rachel/Nick home to the other players. I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to backfire, if only because things never turn out how the "masterminds" envision it. Exhibit A: Michael Stagliano.
Chris Harrison calls out the couples who will be staying:
Jaclyn and Ed
Rachel and Nick
So Kalon and Lindzi are going home. They climb into their separate limos, and Lindzi is pretending to worry that she is never going to see Kalon again. "Stop the limo!" Kalon yells to his driver, who I'm not even sure is in the car yet. He bounds out of his still-parked limo and climbs into Lindzi's. They're in love! They're the winners in this game because everyone else is a loser they found love in a hopeless place.
(What's the over/under on their relationship? Three months?)
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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With its third episode, Bachelor Pad decides to drop all pretenses. The mansion is a high school, and all the cast members merely students. We've got the cool kids, the wannabes and — after this episode — the prom king and queen. We also have the backstabbing, the raging hormones, the uncalled for tears, and the backstabbing (did I already say that? It warrants being said again).
To kick things off, Chris Harrison invites the Padmates — Padders? — to a desserted field. Yes, desserted. The players are greeted to a pool of ice cream, a hot fudge slide, and a whipped cream field. Oh yeah, and some nut sucks. I present to you: Hot Sludge Funday, the meanest, messiest obstacle course in town. Who will reign victorious, and who will develop an eating disorder? After an early lead, Team Jamie and Ed can't stomach the fudgy, sludgy (disgusting) mountain of goop and finish last. Rachel and David win by a nose and secure their places in the Pad for yet another week. Good thing for no-necked David, too, because no one really likes him and it's clear that he's going home the first chance the ladies get to vote him off the island.
With the icky challenge out of the way, it's time for our contestants to get their date on. Dave's date is up first and he picks Jamie, Blakeley, and Erica to join him for his mysterious evening of love and magic. Picking these three ladies, who clearly hate one another, means that Dave is either a glutton for punishment, a masochist, or just plain stupid. Does he realize there will be crying on his date? Because there definitely will be. Maybe he likes crying? Eh, I think he's dumb.
Oh golly gee willikers, David's date is a prom. Complete with pastel balloons, a cheesy photo station, and a second-rate band. My bad, that's country music sensation Katie Armiger. Oh, and the ladies get to change into ugly dresses. Cue the return of Erica Rose's tiara. This may be the only semi-appropriate tiara-wearing circumstance Erica Rose has ever attended. Where have you been, tiara? I've missed you so!
Hold the phone, breaking news from Blakeley. She is not here to find love, she is not here to make friends. Repeat, she is not here to make friends. And Jamie is trying to steal her partner. Jamie is a snake, and she better watch out because Blakeley is a Scorpio (I can't make this stuff up, people). Jamie retorts, "What Blakeley doesn't realize is her personality isn't always attractive." Them's fighting words. You can't take that back Jamie; you're going to have to live with what you said. I hope your evening of extended arm, middle school dancing with a guy you're not attracted to is worth the Wrath of Blakeley.
Back at the mansion, it's Orgy 2.0. The alcohol is flowing and the music is blaring like it's the freakin' weekend and everybody's about to have them some fun. In the midst of it all, Reid is being a Sneaky Pete and trying to recruit peons in his revenge plot against Ed, who at that very moment is carrying a slippery Jaclyn on his back like a sack of potatoes from the pool to his opium den of Xena Warrior Princess battle calls for what one can only imagine will be crazy, but not necessarily mutually satisfying, animalistic sex. Cut to a commercial.
The very next day is Rachel of the Blonde Bangs' date. Rach of course picks loverboy Michael Stagliano to join her and throws pity invites to both Tony the Crying Dad and Nick Who Are You Anyway. The four of them head off to the most romantic of locations, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. Oh I'm sorry, did I say "romantic"? I meant creepy and completely inappropriate. To make things even sexier, the foursome will spend the date pretending to be wax figures and scaring the s***t out of unsuspecting Bachelor/ette fans. Tony has the added joy of hearing a chubby teenager call him, "The nicer word for pathetic." That's gotta smart.
In due time, Rachel gets rid of the riffraff and finds a snuggly corner in the dark recesses of the wax museum to cuddle under a scratchy blanket with the one, the only, Mr. Michael Stagliano. The two spend the next few hours passing notes that read "Do you like me? Check 'Yes' or 'No,'" and giving one another Eskimo kisses.
The lights fade on Rachel and Stags and rise again to reveal everyone in their Rose Ceremony's finest, ready to lie and cheat and steal their way into another week of this friendly game. Before casting their votes, everyone speaks in superlatives ("Reid just made the biggest mistake of his life") and gets irrationally surprised to discover that everyone is lying, cheating, and stealing. I'm sorry, but have you watched this show? During an especially high strung conversation between Jaclyn and Ed (I think?) I can't help but get distracted by the lovely jade lanterns on the ottoman in front of them. These beauties really steal the spotlight. Can I pick them up at Pier One Imports?
From the weeping, hyperventilating, and whisperwhispersecrets I'm able to glean that the voting will all come down to Ed vs. Reid and Blakely vs. Donna. As always, Chris Harrison calls the names one-by-one, allowing the knowledge of the doomed contestants' demise to slowly dawn on them like the morning before a storm.
Siyonara, Donna and Reid. It's been real. We'll miss you, but maybe (probably) not really that much. Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone [Photo Credit: ABC] More: 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'This is Such a Circus Freakshow' 'Bachelor Pad' Recap: 'Where's the Heat?' 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed?
And, they're off! Bachelor Pad is back, my friends, and in the two-hour season premiere Monday night we have already seen (by my count): 1 bout of tears, 1 case of spit-swapping, 3 skinny-dippers, and 1.5 Erica Rose temper tantrums. Yep, looks like the gang is all here. And I, for one, couldn't be more glad to see them.
Since the entire Bachelor/ette/Pad franchise is based completely on being revolutionary, groundbreaking, and truly important television, for Season 3 of Bachelor Pad the powers that be have decided to throw five innocent(ish) super fans into the deep end with the vicious alums. Who are these doomed kids? Let's meet em.
Paige: This bubbly brunette either looks a lot like Rose McGowan or I watched too much Charmed in my youth. But, irregardless, she's cute and really knows how to make a good first impression. "When I see everyone, I'm feeling like I'm going to pee my pants — which was happened before," she tells the camera. I don't know about you, but I love talking about my lack of bladder control on the first date.
Chris: Chris is a burly SWAT team member who likes to unwind after a long day of kicking ass with a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, a Snuggie, and five hours of The Bachelorette on his DVR. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about this guy makes me want to do the loser cough. Wish I could figure out what it could be…
Donna: Holy fame! Bikini-clad Donna ended up on this show by accident when she stumbled into the wrong room in search of the Jersey Shore open casting call. Enough said.
David: This professional fighter may look like he's been hit in the face a dozen too many times, but I'm positive he's got a heart of gold. Somewhere. He also has an interesting taste in women, as exemplified by his self-proclaimed crush on both Lindzi and Blakely. Orange women are a turn-on? I'm not sure what else those two have in common.
Brittany and Erica: Twins! These two blondes share one brain and one vote on the show, as is only fair. Erica is a virgin and Brittany is… not. This is like one pizza delivery man away from a bad pornographic videotape. Fun fact about Brittany and Erica: When seen without their makeup, these ladies look like the little girl from Andre (you know, the sea lion movie).
As the contestants filter into the house one-by-one, the air immediately begins to spark from all the built up dramatic energy. Reid has some unfinished business with Ed, Chris B. is ready to mingle now that his "healing time" post his whopping dumping by Emily Maynard is complete, and Erica Rose is, here. Let me tell ya, the beginnings of this meet and greet are more awkward than a first kiss with braces. Things go from bad to worse when Ryan, the guy no one remembers, says to the camera, "Everyone knew me on DeAnna's season as the 28-year-old virgin. Now I'm the 32-year-old virgin." Dude, don't lead with that. I promise you, it won't help you change your prospects.
As all the girls pretend to be nice to Blakely Fakely (while then trashing her behind her back like real friends do), Ed begins to drink like a fish. Then he strips down to his tighty whiteys and starts swimming like one. He can't even be reigned in to listen to Chris Harrison's explanation of the rules. Watching Ed dive into the hot tub brings a flurry of words to mind, including both "train wreck" and "awesome," which I now know are not mutually exclusive.
For those of you unfamiliar with how Bachelor Pad works, I pity you. But luckily, Chris Harrison is here to explain it. On Bachelor Pad, as in life, it is boys vs. girls. At the end of each week, the contestants will vote each other off Survivor style. The boys vote for the girl they want to see gone, and the girls vote for the boy they want to give the boot. Leading up to the big vote, everyone will pair off into boy/girl teams and each week they will all compete in the challenge. The winner of said challenge gets immunity and a fancypants date. Harrison then drops the bomb everyone's been waiting for: They have to pair off into their teams right. now. As in immediately. As in drunkenly. This is a brilliant bit of plotting by the powers that be at ABC, because who is going to be happy the next morning with a pairing they made drunkenly the night before? It's like how after staying out until last call on Halloween you wake up the next morning to find a Ninja Turtle in your bed.
The next morning, our beautiful bachelors and bachelorettes awaken fresh as daisies to the chirping of birds and the honking of angry drivers stuck in traffic on whichever Los Angeles freeway the Bachelor mansion borders (I'm from New York, I don't understand how traffic in L.A. works, but I hear it's pervasive). It's challenge day, so everyone dons their Spandex and bounds out to the yard.
Today's challenge is called "Falling for Love." It's full of cheesy puns ("You must find the strength in your heart") and is probably too complicated to explain without a visual aid of some sort, so you're just going to have to imagine it the very best that you can. The pairs sit inside giant heart-shaped cookie cutters and try to hold on while the hearts are lifted two feet off the ground and then tilted at increasingly steep angles. Contestants must try not to fall out of the heart while it is being tilted. The first team to do so gets one vote against them at the final rose ceremony. The winning team gets a date.
Erica Rose and Nick fall out first (which was totally Nick's fault, shut up Nick we don't even remember you anyway), while David, lover of orange women, and the twins win. I know, right? The twins? These two are the worst. Or, as Chris puts it, "immature and kind of ridiculous." Go home, twins!
But alas, the twins are safe for this week and they set off on a perfect date with David to the boardwalk. David drops a lot of names about the amazing dates he saw on past seasons (OMG! Emily rode a carousel!), the twins suggest everyone goes skinny dipping, and I start to yawn. Because, really, no one cares about you three. At all. We switch back to the action at the mansion in the nick of time.
Back at the mansion, what do we find but more hair-raisingly electric drama. Jamie pulls Chris aside for a little Seven Minutes in Heaven, and Blakely doesn't like that one bit. Oh no she doesn't not one enemy little bit. Blakely yells at Jamie for not being a nice girl and then cries to herself because she really thought that people would like her now that she waxes people for a living instead of serving them cocktails.
And all of a sudden, it's time for the deliberation. That's right, voting time, folks. Let the scheming begin!
Michael Stagliano, who won the game last season and is just all around everyone's favorite guy, is narrating every thought that goes through my head. "Oh my God, I love this game so much," he says. "This game is fascinating. I feel like some people aren't even playing it. They don't even know that they're on a game show." The clueless person he's talking to is super fan David. All the spinning from the rides at the boardwalk must've liquidated his brain, because he decides to spill his entire strategy to not just anyone, but everyone. Including Erica Rose, the very person he wants to vote off this week. Stupid, stupid, man. Michael, please explain what's happening here for me, you have such a way with words. "The game is lying! Avoid conversations, and if you do talk to them, you lie to them." Thanks, Stags.
After much planning and scooping and scoping and scapegoating, everyone makes their final vote. Due to an ill-advised Veterans Vs. Fans dichotomy that David Demi-Brain set up, it is just about 500% certain that SWAT *loser cough* Chris is going home. For the girls, it's going to be a toss-up between Erica Rose and sweet, pants-wetting Paige. The decision hinges on the decisions made by Kalon (who hates Erica) and SWAT (who hates Demi-Brain, who hates Erica).
One by one the names are called at the Elimination Rose Ceremony.
Which means SWAT and Paige (despite Reid's twelfth hour campaign) are dunzo. It's a shame, really; I thought Paige was cute. And lord knows my pun-obsessed self loved that Reid and Paige were teammates — get it, like, read a page? Reid himself pointed that one out, an act for which I will love him always.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: ABC]
More: 'Bachelor Pad': Are Lindzi and Kalon Partners in Crime and in Bed? Predicting The Next 'Bachelor': How ABC Makes Its Decision 'Bachelorette' Finale: Emily Maynard and Jef Holm Are Engaged
Get ready for another summer filled with inane drama! The new Season 3 cast of ABC's ultimate guilty pleasure Bachelor Pad was announced earlier this morning and there's a slew of familiar faces. (Though, sadly, Bentley Williams is not one of them.)
Last season's winner Michael Stagliano will return for another go at the title and will be competing against current Bachelorette villain Kalon McMahon, who Emily Maynard sent packing on Monday's show, after he referred to her 6-year-old daughter Ricki as "baggage." What a delightful housemate he'll be!
Other contestants for this new season also includes Lindzi Cox and Jamie Otis, who were both on Ben Flajnik's season of The Bachelor. Please, Jamie, no more awkward kissing lessons, we beg you.
If that wasn't enough incentive to watch, in a brand new twist, five "super fans" were also selected from an open casting call held earlier this year and will move into the mansion for a shot at the $250,000 grand prize. Oh yeah, and that whole finding your soul mate thing.
Check out the full cast list below: Kalon McMahon (Bachelorette, Season 8, Emily Maynard) Michael Stagliano (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Ed Swiderski (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Reid Rosenthal (Bachelorette, Season 5, Jillian Harris) Ryan Hoag (Bachelorette Season 4, DeAnna Pappas) Nick Peterson (Bachelorette Season 7, Ashley Hebert) Tony Pieper (Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard) Chris Bain (Super Fan) David Mallet (Super Fan) Lindzi Cox (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Blakely Jones (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Sarah Newlon (Bachelor, Season 11, Brad Womack) Jamie Otis (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Erica Rose (Bachelor, Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese) Jaclyn Swartz (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Rachel Trueheart (Bachelor, Season 16, Ben Flajnik) Brittany and Erica Taltos (Twin Super Fans) Paige Vigil (Super Fan) Donna Zitelli (Super Fan) The final cast member will be announced at a later date as he is currently still a contestant on The Bachelorette. Who could it be? Bachelor Pad's two-hour Season 3 premiere will air Monday, July 23 on ABC at 8 PM ET. [Photo credit: ABC] Bachelor Pad Season 3 More: The Bachelorette Recap: Get The F**k Out! Meet The Bachelorette Suitors: Who's In It To Win It?