Teen girls the world over are losing their s**t because — OMG — One Direction is on the big screen. This Is Us hit theaters Thursday and that means 92 minutes of Harry, Niall, Liam, Louis, and Zayn singin', chillin', prankin', and just being their adorable selves. Can you even handle that?
If you have a life-sized poster of Niall on your wall, support Zayn's engagement even though you're broken-hearted, or are reading this right now while standing in line for your sixth viewing of This Is Us then it's safe to say that you are a Directioner through and through. And if One Direction is your all-time favorite boy band then, well, that says a lot. For starters, you are between the ages of 10 and 18. You also don't know who Lisa Frank is and will never fully appreciate the glory that is a perfectly-curated mix CD (or tape, if you want to kick it real old school). You have the fastest thumbs in west — all the better to tweet/text/Facebook/Snapchat you with, my dear – and are so over Justin Bieber (but Austin Mahone, on the other hand...)
But anyone born before 1995 knows that One Direction can hardly be called the "best boy band of all time." Here's what your boy band of choice says about you.
NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCKEverett Collection
A true child of the '80s, you were one of the first to hop on the boy bandwagon and, as such, you are known as being a trendsetter. You ripped your jeans and cropped your tops before you read that you were supposed to in Tiger Beat and you better believe there is still a crimper in the back of your closet. These days, you spend your days climbing to the top of the corporate ladder and your nights trolling for scalped tickets for the NKOTBSB Tour (which, let's be honest, you are still angry is not just a NKOTB reunion tour).
BACKSTREET BOYSEverett Collection
If the Backstreet Boys are your one desire, then it's safe to say that the wildest ice cream flavor you'll ever order is chocolate and vanilla swirl (whoa, go crazy!). You like things to go according to plan — your plan — and you're not a huge fan of spontaneity. While you're a born leader and feel right at home at the top of the food chain, it's been a bit of time since you've held that post. And as fun as it is to relive your totally bomb senior prank every once in a while, this state of a perpetual comeback you're in is wearing thin on those who once worshipped you.
You're the best, the coolest, indisputably the most talented/gorgeous/charming/wonderful person of all time. (Can you tell where my loyalties lie?) In all seriousness, you're sassy on the outside but have a heart of gold. You may not have been class president or a star athlete once upon a time, but you know your crew would go to the ends of the Earth for you, and you for them. You're also a good dancer and have an inexplicable love of puppetry. You probably still have frosted tips and you have a one in five chance of achieving greatness.
BOYZ II MENMichel Linssen/Redferns/Getty Images
You have impeccable taste. You're a discerning consumer — of music, art, romantic companions, fine perishable goods — and never settle for less than top-notch. You're also wise beyond your years and therefore a neverending fountain of advice, support, and shoulders to cry on for your friends. You were definitely the first of your friends to get laid.
98 DEGREESEverett Collection
Choosing 98 Degrees as your main jam shows that you're more wallflower than life of the party. You're a little shy (but totally adorable) and find more pleasure in a book or journal than, well, just about anything. A total smartie, you're not confused by tricky things like chicken of the sea. Most importantly, you're a hopeless romantic who will never give up on love — despite a few bumps along the road.
You aren't afraid to dance to the beat of your own drum (and "Back Here" on repeat). Holy Jesus are you a sucker for guys with accents. You studied abroad in Europe your junior year of college and were only convinced to return to the States after a strongly-worded phone call with your parents (which included phrases like "student loans," "throwing away your future," and "cutting off your funds").
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In today's economy, there aren't a good many industries on which you can rely. Yes, some things will always be fail-safe investments: apple sauce, bolo ties, cavern tours. But ranking above them all is the ageless phenomenon of the boy band. When the entity first hit American culture, we were skeptical. A handful of dudes? No instruments? Cacophonous flailing? But it caught on. And many long menudos later, we are still smack dab in the heat of boy band fever. As such, any frugal frontiersman of the American capital knows what what to do: get in on the action. Start your own boy band. And since we here at Hollywood.com are foremost a catalyst for the fiscal upswing of the common man, we're here to tell you just how to do it.
Part I: Get Some MembersKnow a bunch of legitimately talented musicians with a passion for the craft and a vast appreciation for everything from Beethoven to Neil Young? Lose 'em! What you need is...A dreamboat: The soft-eyed, half-smiling Aryan type who looks like he learned how to smile from watching the opening credits of Beverly Hills 90210.A "dark side"-type: The brooding brunette, sensitive and in touch with his cerebral pangs. Someone you just want to hug to let him know that it's all going to be okay.Maybe a thuggy one? From the streets... or, you know, that one kind of shady cul-de-sac across the street from the garden center.Two other guys: Know any unemployed dudes who have nothing going on? (Does one of them have wacky hair?) They're in.
Part II: Style!Think being yourself and devoting to your natural image is the way to go? Be a teacher. You're in a boy band now, take notes:Hair: Frosted tips are always in season.Clothes: Either too much or too little — something flashy, loud, and seemingly displaced in time. Or just go shirtless, shirtless works.Accessories: No more than one member may bear each of the following: tinted sunglasses, tattoo, eyebrow ring, ankle bracelet, pet snake.
Part III: RelationshipsHere's one of the most important components of boy bandistry: your romantic relationships. You and your fellow members must abide by the following rules of the industry:Date another pop icon: A fellow musician, preferably, although a budding movie star could also work.Reunite with your high school sweetheart: Odds are, you're not presently dating the same person you were back in high school. If you are, good for you! If not, call the old flame up and organize a "just for the fans" romance. People really eat up the hometown love shtick.Get a stalker: For the member of your band who is not presently ready to settle down, a stalker will do the trick. Since you're not famous enough to warrant one yet, maybe see if your best pal's creepy little sibling who had a crush on you back in elementary school is available. Send some tantilizing notes, just to fan the flames.Way-too-early engagement: And for the member of your band who is far too ready to settle down, a fiancée! Doesn't matter who it is, the "But he's so young!" or "But they just met!" conceit will overshadow the actual human beings in question.
Part IV: The MusicImmaterial.
Part V: The BreakupHowever much you grow to love the gig or your fellow band members, you must terminate things while they're still hot. You want people begging for a reunion, not groaning over the group that just doesn't know when to quit. Here are a few acceptable reasons to offer:Solo careers: All of your members (or at least the two most important ones) decide to pursue careers of their own, be it in music, acting, production, or something weird like writing. Creative differences: Spats like these happen all the time. Maybe one member gets too controlling. Maybe another is concerned about selling out, wants to get back "to the art" of it all. Have fun with this one!Love triangles: The most volatile choice of them all — could it be that a mutually beloved third party got between two members? Egad, the drama! The headline-worthy drama! It's a risky course of action, but when it pays off, it really pays off.
So there you have it. Your own five-part, fail-safe guide to starting your own boy band. We wish you the best of luck — you're fighting the good fight.
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One Direction star Niall Horan was left red-faced when a cheeky prank went too far and he was left with a semi-permanent tattoo of James Corden's face on his backside. The Irish singer is the only member of the boyband without any body art, and British comic Corden highlighted this fact on his U.K. comedy panel game show A League Of Their Own when Horan was a guest.
Corden decided to ink his friend with a temporary transfer and Horan readily agreed, even suggesting his butt as the perfect place for the picture.
However, Horan was unable to wash off the transfer and was stuck with it for three weeks.
Corden tells Britain's The Sun, "We made a thing on the show that he's the only member of the band without a tattoo. I said to him, 'We've got this idea of putting a tattoo of my face on your body'. Niall went, 'You should put it on my a**e'.
"We tattooed it on his left buttock - it took him three weeks to get rid of it. He sent me an update every week, with a photo of my fading face on his a**e saying, 'It's still not gone yet'."
Due to the fact that everyone at Hollywood.com is over the age of 16 — believe it or not! — we had absolutely no idea how to react to the following news: British boy band One Direction has just released a brand new poster for their upcoming 3-D movie, One Direction: This Is Us. And because we did not want to deprive the Internet of the appropriate reaction that this Earth-shattering news clearly deserves, we’ve called up a One Direction expert to share her professional opinion.
Meet 13-year-old Sloane Osmers, an advid “Directioner” who has been eagerly supporting the boy band since they got their start on The UK’s X Factor in 2010. With more than 57 items of One Direction memorabilia decorating each and every wall of her room — including a life-sized cutout of Niall Horan that “scares” her family's cleaning lady — Osmers is the perfect person to enlighten the Internet with how exciting this news should be.
Behold the uninterrupted, teary-eyed response, which lasted one minute and seven seconds:
"[Gasps] OH MY GOSH! [gasps] Oh my gosh! Look at Louis [Tomlinson], he looks SO cute theeeere! Oh my gooooosh! Oh my gosh! Oh okay, oh no, this is, no, I’m so, I just… oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gooosh!!! Oh my gosh Leanne! Like, oh my goooosh! Oh my gosh! [Gasps] They’re all so… noooo! I just can’t, oh my goooosh! OH MY GOSH! This looks AMAZING! Oh my gosh. Like I’m… I’m going to cry again, this is like, no… no. This is my moment. This is my Beyoncé moment! Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH! This is amazing! I can’t WAIT! Can August 30th come right now? Because like I’m going to cry. It’s amazing, it’s like PERFECT. They look amazing — as always! They look so cute! Oh my gosh Niall playing the electric guitar?! Oh my gosh! They look so cute! I LOVE it!"
There you have it, Internet. This is exactly how you should be responding after seeing the newest poster for the movie poster in which the five Brits will share their story — in 3-D! — in theaters across the country this summer. They will make billions of dollars while millions of girls — who were all born after 1999, you old fogie — scream and cry with overwhelming happiness.
Don't miss One Direction: This Is Us when it hits theaters Friday, August 30.
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
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