Remember when you were little and you knew you were doing something really really wrong, but you did it anyways? Just to see what would happen? Just to see the look of shock/terror/disappointment on someone’s face? That is exactly like what happened on this week’s episode of Glee.
You are such a twisted man, Mr. Ryan Murphy. Grab your favorite feather boa and sequined body suit, honey, because I’m here to catch you up on everything you may have missed and more in “Diva.”
So Here’s What You Missed on Glee:
Lima Divas: Emma (Jayma Mays) is currently in a completely organized panic about the wedding, which is now only ten days away, and Will is still out of town until the end of the week. Finn (Cory Monteith) is extremely worried that Mr. Schue is going to want to take back the glee club, but Emma quickly reassures him that he has done an amazing job coaching the newbies.
With regionals just around the corner, Finn is trying to think of a way to toughen up the New Directions and amp up their competitive sprit. His solution? Diva Week, round 2!
To help inspire the group, Finn asks Emma to come in and be their celebrity guest judge. (Side-Note: Aww it’s like the good old days! Vitamin D: you will always have a special place in my heart.) While Emma is reading the greatest description of a “Diva” ever said in the history of the universe, the claws are already starting to come out between the ladies — and Blaine — of the glee club. And with a few well-placed insults and some pretty intense finger snaps, the fierce femmes begin an amazingly over-the-top runway show while singing “Diva.” (Side-Note: That performance was 19 kinds of fierce and I loved every second of it!)
Over in the halls of McKinley, Blaine (Darren Criss) is snorting up all of his snot, coughing like a smoker, and looking like he’s about to pass out. Clearly he’s sick.
Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) pops up out of nowhere and presents her crush with the ultimate cold-busting care package. (Side-Note: Ugh. This is still happening? I’m loving that Tina is finally getting some much-needed screen time but this is just the biggest waste of an arc Glee has done in a long time.) Despite his stuffed-up sinuses, Blaine performs a rocking version of “Don’t Stop Me Now,” to prove that boys can be divas too. (Side-Note: Nicely done Blaine, even with a red nose your voice still makes me swoon. But all you’ve really proved is that you’re the only one who could ever pull off that jacket/hat combo.)
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The next day, Finn and Emma are standing in front of the choir room looking particularly pleased with themselves and begin to describe what makes up the ultimate diva. Emma explains, “Divas walk and they talk and they breathe brilliance. So here to demonstrate that elusive brilliance is a very special guest diva.”
And on that note, Santana (Naya Rivera) is once again back in the halls of McKinley, but time she’s brought a handful of her Louisville cheerleaders with her and she breaks into a high-energy, perfectly choreographed rendition of Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits.” (Side-Note: Everyone needs to stop talking right now! Queen Naya is finally performing again on the magical box in my living room.)
The song ends and Santana gives Brittany the most awkward high-five the world has ever seen, while asking why she didn’t let her know she was coming back to town. Santana snaps, “I think that the better question is why did you tell me you were dating Sam?” Santana then takes the opportunity to introduce Elaine, her “out and proud, lipstick-loving, After Ellen-reading girlfriend.” Santana and Elaine then share a quick smooch. (Side-Note: And Brittana fans everywhere hiss is disgust.)
Devastated Divas: “And I didn’t even have to lay out a line of cereal for you to find me,” Santana quips as Sam (Chord Overstreet) meets her in the auditorium. (Side-Note: The episode can end right here. That was the best subtle verbal slap ever. What makes all of this so intriguing is the fact that once upon a Glee, Sam and Santana used to date, and she stole him away from Quinn. Remember that?)
The two Brittany lovers hurl insults back and forth until Santana reveals her plan for retuning to Lima, “First I’m going to cut off the Sam-sized tumor on her heart and then we cam begin the long, slow process of cleaning the stink of your mediocrity off her.” And with that, the gauntlet is thrown, the music begins and they unleash an emotion-filled version of “Make No Mistake,” while Brittany secretly watches. (Side-Note: Do not hiss at me for what I’m about to say: Sam sounds amazing in this song.)
As Santana turns to leave, Sam calmly tells her, “She’s with me now, and you know that’s the best thing for her. Just let it go.” Santana replies with one emotion-packed word, ‘Never.”
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Over in Emma’s office, Finn is seeking some guidance because he just found out that Rachel has moved on. “She changed her Facebook relationship status to 'shacked up,' mine still says 'heartbroken.'” (Side-Note: First of all, that would be totally awesome if you could insert your own relationship status into Facebook. Mine would currently say “Twitterpated.” And secondly, seeing Finn devastated makes me want to run out and buy him a thousand puppies just to see if it would make him smile.)
Emma suggests that Finn should start dating again, perhaps even the new 26-year-old cross-eyed math sub. But Finn quickly shoots down her idea: “What do I have to offer a grown-woman like that? I’m just a man boy.”
Emma says that she too has felt a little lonely and lost without Will around, rings a little bell on her desk, and encourages Finn to get back out into the dating world. (Side-Note: No, that’s terrible advice! Don’t tell him to do that. Finn needs to work on himself right now and gain his confidence from within, not from having some girl on his arm. And does anyone else have any clue why she stopped mid-sentence to ring a bell?)
Delusional Diva: Tina is walking down the halls with her inner-monologue bouncing all over the place. First she says she wants to be a diva, then she hates the fact that she was upstaged by Santana yet again, and for a brief shining moment she thinks that she should call Mike because her crush on Blaine is silly.
But just as quickly as her epiphany arrived, it flew away in the Lima wind. She complains to a still-sick Blaine that she wants people to see her as a diva and he invites her over to his place to help her find the perfect song. To which Tina replies, “Aww Blainey days.” (Side-Note: Blainey Days? No. Nope. Not gonna happen. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Not-uh. Stop it. Ugh. This is ridiculous.)
Over at the Anderson house, Tina asks Blaine if he’s even been with a girl. "Nope, perfect gold-star gay," he replies, “Well, except for that time I kissed Rachel Berry.” Blaine lists off all the reasons that girls are perfectly fine, he’s just not attracted to them. Tina then tells him, “We’re young, we still have time to find ourselves.” (Side-Note: Okay, that comment really really pissed me off. Blaine being gay has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he is ‘young,’ it’s because he’s attracted to men, Tina. Not you. Dismissing his reasons for not liking girls by saying that he still has time to “find” himself is the most ridiculous, insulting, and infuriating things I’ve heard on this show. And that's saying a lot!)
Fast-forward just a bit and Blaine is passed out on his bed from the cold medicine and an unknowing Tina is professing her love for him and suggesting a “sexless relationship.” But when she realizes that Blaine is sleeping, Tina slowly unbuttons his shirt, massages Vapo-Rub onto his chest, then lays down beside him with tears in her eyes. (Side-Note: I kind of feel sad for her, but then I remember how completely ridiculous this all is and I snap right out of it. Watching her unbutton his shirt was incredibly creepy.)
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The next day Blaine is 100 percent back to normal, but the sight of seeing his happy face seems to make something crack in Tina’s crazy brain. She snaps, “No, that’s seems a little Tina Cohen-Chang. Respect.” (Side-Note: I have absolutely no idea what just happened. What’s the matter with you?)
Wearing a pink leotard, Tina channels her inner Madonna in the McKinley High courtyard with, “Hung Up,” complete with break dancers and an outfit change. The next day Finn announces that Tina has won Diva week and while the completely realistic confetti falls from the sky, Finn and Emma hug. (Side-Note: Why are you two hugging? You didn’t win. You didn’t teach her that routine. This is weird and awkward and you should stop that right now. Thanks.) Blaine gives Tina a chocolate rose, thanks her for taking care of him this week and then sweetly asks Tina to be his date for Mr. Schue and Emma’s wedding next week. Tina gladly accepts. (Side-Note: Wait, so this still isn’t over? Sigh.)
Next: Jaw-Dropping Diva and NYADA Diva-Off!
Jaw-Dropping Diva: Emma is completely freaking the eff out. Her wedding binders are all over the place, there are flowers flooding her desk, she is mid-panic because Will said the centerpieces were, “fine.” She cries,“I need things to be more than fine. I need them to be perfect they have to be perfect and I need them to be perfect.”
Emma explains that her insecurities are from her last wedding where she let go of the details and the marriage didn’t work out. Now she is in full-on hysterics, throwing things into the trash can, ranting on and on about her dress and not making any sense whatsoever.
Finn grabs her shoulders trying to calm her down saying that they make a great team. But when that doesn’t work, he panics and brushes the hair from her face and kisses her. (Side-Note: When I first saw this scene, I scared the crap out of my co-workers and screamed out, “What the f**k just happened?!” Then I tweeted it. And then I watched it again. And then I went to sleep, woke up and re-watched the scene at least 8 more times. And now I have no idea what I’m feeling anymore. Finn and Emma have always been two of my favorite characters, and now they just kissed. This season is so out of whack. I'm going to go re-watch Smash now.)
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NYADA Divas: Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Rachel (Lea Michele) are in the same “free sing” class, but according to Mr. Hummel the class has turned into the Rachel hour: “Because I’m her best friend I can say this: Rachel has always been a little insufferable. Ever since she won the Winter Showcase, her ego and behavior have been out of control.”
Not only is she ignoring her best friend while in the halls of NYADA, she is also surrounding herself with booty-kissing, compliment-spewing drones. At home she hogs the shower, clogs the drain with her extensions, (Side-Note: I knew it!) and makes Kurt take phone messages for her so she can save her voice. (Side-Note: Even though she’s being obxious, rude, and completely insufferable, at least she’s acting more like the Rachel we first met and fell in love with.)
After one demand too many, Kurt finally lost it and decided to be brutally honest with his roommate. “Now you’ve got that weird naked boyfriend and that weird legion of sycophants, and now you’re like an annoying self-righteous Lima-Rachel on steroids.” (Side-Note: Well done Kurt, you took the words right out of my mouth. But where the heck is Brody in all of these loft scenes? What does he think about her crazy? Oh, I see. He’s too busy flexing in the mirror to notice…)
To get back at him, Rachel blurted out that the only reason Kurt got the audition at NYADA is because he is friends with her. Kurt just smiled and said that Rachel may have won the Winter Showcase but it was his heart-stopping version of “Being Alive” that stole the show.
So how does HummelBerry decide to settle this? With another head-to-head diva-off! Kurt finally admits to Rachel something we’ve known for nearly four years now: he lost their first diva competition on purpose so that his dad wouldn’t be embarrassed that this son could sing "Wicked" better than any girl. (Side-Note: Burt is the world’s most perfect parent. He wouldn’t have cared!) Rachel is shocked and shaken to the core screaming, “That was my first big win! That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the past two years!” Kurt just smiled saying, “Well consider it cracked. Get ready for diva-off part 2.”
Kurt and Rachel are going to go head-to-head at Midnight Madness — aka NYADA’s fight club. Brody explains, “Twice a year we break into a classroom for a no-holds-bard singoff to the death. Winner gets ultimate bragging rights for the rest of their time at NYADA, loser gets shamed and humiliated."
At the night of the battle, Brody explains the rules: The two competitors will sing the exact same song, at the end of the performances, the groups will disperse and stand behind the singer that they think deserves to win. The song? “Bring Him Home” from Les Miserables. (Side-Note: I’m sorry but I was bored out of my mind during this performance. The only thing I was paying attention to was Rachel’s dress and that’s because I’m part squirrel and love sparkly things.) The song finally ends and in the closest margin in Midnight Madness history, Kurt wins.
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The next day, the entire school is buzzing about Kurt victory, but like the normal and kind-hearted person that he is, Kurt doesn’t let it go to his head and he scoffs off the drones who are now trying to kiss his behind.
Rachel is currently in a huge funk and is moping around the halls like a lost puppy. (Side-Note: Ugh. Why is it that we can never be happy for Kurt, without feeling sad for Rachel. Also I realized that ever since last week’s Rachel vs. Rachel song, she’s been wearing a lot less makeup and her hair has lost that teased "I’m going to a party" look. Hopefully this means that we’ve found the perfect balance between new and old Rachel. Lastly, I'm choosing to ignore the fact that Adam was in this epsisode.)
In the loft, Kurt tells his bestie that he has signed both of them up for the open audition for the revival of “Funny Girl” on Broadway. Despite the fact that Rachel was born to play this role, she is looking less than pleased with this news. “Let’s say by some crazy, extraordinary chance I get it, then what? I become even more of a diva nightmare then I am now? I can’t handle the pressures of stardom.”
Kurt calmly and miraculously explains to Rachel that it’s alright for her to be a diva, just not a nightmare. And with that, HummelBerry is back to being the best friends. (Side-Note: Yay! But seriously, where is Brody? Oh. There he is! He’s in the bathroom spending 45 minutes perfecting his hair.)
NEXT: Santana's Big Lie and The Episode's Top Moments
The Final Five: Over in Sue’s office, we learn something very interesting about Santana: she dropped out of college a month ago! Rather than being upset or disappointed with her former head Cheerios, Sue offers Santana a coaching job and tells her to take the week to think about it. Santana and Brittany meet—in what I’m assuming is back stage of the auditorium—and Santana is looking pleased with herself.
However, Brittany quickly admits that she is not breaking up with Sam because she really likes him and he makes her feel really smart. (Side-Note: Oh really? Did you feel super smart last week when he couldn’t believe that you got the top SAT scores in the school? Didn’t think so.)
Apparently school wasn’t the only thing that Santana lied about. Brittany found out that Santana paid Elaine with scratchers tickets and a bunch of other crap to pretend to be her new ladyfriend. (Side-Note: Good. She looked boring.)
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Brittany quickly tells her former beau that she should not take over Sue’s job as coach of the Cheerios saying, “I think you need to be somewhere that’s as big and as hot as you are. It’s okay to follow your dreams.”
And after only two minutes of conversation and one small peck on the lips, Brittany and Santana decide to just stay best friends. (Side-Note: I love that they are always so mature with each other. It’s really refreshing. I’m also somehow oddly at peace with their official breakup. I think Santana deserves to be with someone who is just as passionate as she is, not someone who is just kind of there. Still love you too Britt.)
Santana breaks into the best song of the night, “Girl On Fire” and gives Alicia Keys a run for her money in fierceness. And as the song ends, another little Lima enters NYC. Santana pounds on Kurt and Rachel’s door and when they shockingly ask what she’s doing there, her answer is short and unwavering: I’m moving in. (Side-Note: Hell yes! Toodles, Brody! Oh wait, now where did Brody go? Oh he’s doing pushups in the bedroom while texting another girl… probably.)
Most Heartwarming Moment: Seeing Santana gain the courage to follow her dreams and move to New York.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Finn kiss and realizing that this could completely devastate not one, but two original Glee couples.
“The online Urban Dictionary defines a “diva” as a fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass hoe and she does no sweat the haters.” — Emma
“Will keeps suggesting Costa Rica, but us gingers can be that close to the equator.” — Emma
“I know you’d come around eventually, Sam’s most redeeming quality is that he can bore you to sleep and then you can use his lips as ginormous pillows.” — Santana
What did you think of “Diva”? How are you feeling about the Finn/Emma kiss? Are you excited to see Santana in New York? What are your Brody speculations? Sing me your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX]
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Fun Size may be the only production from kid-centric studio Nickelodeon to also feature underage drinking (complete with red solo cups) and boob groping. The murky demographic for the movie ends up hurting the well-intentioned Halloween flick — it's not quite suitable for the young ones nor is it funny or wild enough for the Gossip Girl crowd which director Josh Schwartz (creator of the show) knows well. Instead we get a floundering trick or treat adventure that reduces the colorful twisted holiday to a meandering situational comedy.
Nick TV grad Victoria Justice (Victorious) stars as Wren a high school "geek" who finds herself unable to bag the guy of her dreams (who adores her) but finds a glimmer of hope in the big cool kids' Halloween party. Ready for a night out with her best friend April (Jane Levy) Wren thinks life is finally going her way until her Mom (Chelsea Handler) sticks her with her troublemaking little brother Albert (Jackson Nicoll) for the night. If chaperoning Albert wasn't already the worst thing in the world Wren finds herself in an even bigger dilemma when her brother wanders off into his own night of mischievous debauchery.
The "one crazy night" formula fits perfectly with Halloween but Fun Size struggles to find interesting material for its eclectic ensemble. Unlike many of the young actresses who have previously collaborated with Schwartz Justice seems unable to crack his voice and comedic style. She's too hip to too aware to play someone struggling with high school. The material doesn't serve her or Levy either; off-color jokes and a bizarre sense of entitlement turn them into two people you don't want to see succeed. Luckily for the audience during their sweeping search for Albert Wren and April cross paths with two true nerd-looking boys: Roosevelt (Thomas Mann) and Peng (Osric Chau) who along with feeling like real teenagers actually land a joke or two.
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Nick's '90s sitcom Pete & Pete created an amazing sense of weirdness and heart in its exploits of two teenage brothers. Anyone could watch and enjoy it. Fun Size has a beautiful look (the colors of Halloween are mesmerizing) and Schwartz as always has impeccable soundtrack tastes but when it comes to telling a story that feels both relatable and wonderfully weird — what Pete & Pete did so well — the movie falls flat. It's stereotype humor (the movie packs many a fat and gay joke) doesn't cut it — when paired to Nick's best efforts the movie lives up to the title: a bite-size portion of a bigger better cinematic sweet.