Seinfeld did it! No, not just creating a near-perfect sitcom about three goofy guys and the attractive, hilarious woman who probably shouldn't have been hanging out with those urban doofuses in the first place. Rather, creating a near-perfect episode of television that takes place predominantly in a parking garage, the least-funny setting imaginable. Now, New Girl, which has always played something like Seinfeld-lite, is heading into their territory again. The latest episode, the aptly titled "Parking Spot", had Nick, Jess, and Schmidt on a wild goose chase to nab a parking spot in their building's basement that they didn't know even existed. Winston, on the other hand, spent the episode on a wild goose chase to find a condom to have sex with his new girlfriend Daisy (Brenda Song) because this show still has no idea what to do with poor Winston and it's now resorted to this.
"Parking Lot" started with a familiar scene: Nick and Jess brushing their teeth in the communal bathroom, with nothing between them but sexual tension. Only this time it wasn't filled with cute, anticipatory glances, but awkward, stammering banter between two people with a lot of unresolved things to talk about. Jess once again brought up the infamous kiss because, let's face it, it's still on her mind. And Nick joked that they should have sex because, let's face it, it's still on his mind. Both are trying to defuse the situation by simultaneously bringing it up and avoiding the real issues at hand at all costs. It's not a disaster waiting to happen, it's already happening.
RELATED: 'New Girl': The One Where Nick and Jess Kiss
But, there were bigger issues at hand than the deterioration of a friendship (and, hopefully, the early phases of a blossoming relationship): there was a parking lot! A parking lot, people! The news startled Schmidt so much that he ripped a towel rack off the wall and threatened to kill his best friends. (Serious question, are free parking spots to people in LA what open seats are on the subway to people in NYC? If it's there, you better just haul ass to get it before someone else does. EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes. Yes, they are.) Jess once again played peacekeeper and suggested all four of them split the parking spot, but Schmidt was adamant that he deserved the spot. After all, he had the "crummiest room" in the loft and was on "24 hour grout watch" and had the odds stacked against him as he didn't have the lady card, race card, or in the case of Nick (who pronounced wi-fi as "wiffy") the "lazy drunk card" to play.
With Winston busy trying to get busy and Nick buckling under the pressure of pressure, it ultimately came down to a showdown between Schmidt and Jess. Since neither was going to buckle, Nick was called upon to be the decider. Now, we've wondered before if New Girl has a feminism problem — the scene of Jess wearing Nick's hoodie and not much else and relentlessly flirting with him and twisting his nipples to get the parking spot certainly didn't do the show any favors. Nor Jess, for that matter. With the tension between her and Nick so palpable and nerves so raw, why blur the line and flirt? For a parking spot? And a nipple twist? Low blow.
Schmidt, who tried to woo him with the far less effective tactic of handing him a beer, lost out to Jess, and then put the pieces of the sexually frustrated puzzle together: Nick gave her the parking spot because there was the smell of lust and friction in the air and it smelled like frickin' Tijuana. Nick then confessed that he and Jess did, in fact, suck face and the news greatly upset Schmidt. Not just because that's why Jess — who was clearly not taking the consequences of mono seriously — was getting the spot, but because Nick kept such a huge secret from him. (This is where the episode slipped out of Seinfeld world for a bit and back into Friends territory, not that there's anything wrong with that!)
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And despite "shaking what the good people of Oregon gave her" (did we know that was where Jess was from? Her being from Portland would make a ton of sense) Nick backtracked and gave the spot to the apparently nipple-free Schmidt because, as he put it, "this city can't have another scandal." When that hit the fan, Nick finally decided to take the spot for himself, which resulted in all three making a madcap race to get their cars to the underground lot to claim it for themselves. Schmidt's car was parked-in, Nick's car was being kept under a freeway (of course it would be), and Jess' car was covered in stray cats (of course it would be) but all three somehow arrived at the spot at the same time. Even after threatening to physically hit each other with their cars, and actually hitting each other with their cars, no one budged. Not even Schmidt, who had to "pish" and eventually wound up pishing himself. There was something comforting in just how sitcom-y this whole sequence was. Like when the guys from Parks and Recreation endured food poisoning a few weeks ago, it felt like an old-fashioned brand of TV comedy.
Elsewhere, while Winston was still out trying to find a condom (and eventually landing at Cece's place, because she needed some reason to be in the episode, too, I suppose), things got real between the three vying for the parking spot. Nick made the grave mistake of telling Jess he thought their kiss was the worst mistake he ever made in his life, worse than going to law school, worse than thinking our President's name was "Brockuh Brobama" and worse than getting back with Caroline. That if he could go back in time to make things go back to the way they used to be, he would. Ouch. Even by Nick Miller standards, this was a boneheaded thing to say.
Of course, Schmidt has the market cornered on opening his mouth and letting the worst stuff come out, as evident by the fact that he revealed that not only did he use the outdated, untrue argument that things get complicated between men and women because "bitches are crazy", but he also told Jess about the stipulation of the guys' "No Nail Oath" that they all signed (Coach shout-out!) when she moved in. Under the creepy, borderline rapey oath, they "agree never to nail unless sex parlay into a business all parties involved" (ew) or that all parties must nail her (ewwwww). Despite being rightly horrified by their agreement, Jess still went along with the suggestion that she at least kiss the other guys in the loft to relieve the tension.
RELATED: Jess and Nick's Lip Lock On 'New Girl' Ranks As One Of The All-Time Best TV Kisses
They do kiss and it's as terrible as one would imagine (hey, remember in Season 1 when Schmidt tried to kiss Jess after his birthday party?) but it hardly alleviated the bigger issue at hand. When Jess and Nick argued about the "No Nail Oath" Nick said that it had to be made because he "couldn't help it", meaning he's been hoping to ravage her since the moment he first laid eyes on her. They looked like they were going to kiss again but were rudely interrupted, which seems to be the running theme since the actual kiss episode. Even worse, the big payoff in the episode was that Winston got the parking spot because he needed a win after not being able to find a condom, only to find his car was too small for the spot.
As far as post-kiss episodes go "Parking Spot" was more effective with the Nick and Jess tension, sexual and otherwise, than "Table 34" was, not to mention much, much funnier overall. I know it's going to be a long, bumpy ride back on the road to Nick and Jess, I just hope New Girl figures out what to do with Cece and Winston along this journey as well. Schmidt, well, no matter how douchey he is, will always be fun to watch.
Other memorable moments and one-lines from "Parking Spot":
- "Destiny may be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote: Scott Caan."- Schmidt
- Nick's scream during his nipple twist from Jess in his bedroom.
- Schmidt's scream during his hit-and-turn from Jess in the parking lot.
- Nick and Jess' weird-off in the hallway. (Nick won. He always does).
- Schmidt peeing inside his body...and eventually out of it.
- "I found garbage and it has chocolate on it!"- Nick
- "I'm gonna throw fishsticks at them while singing 'Memory'." - Jess' plans to scare off the cats on her car.
- "Old people, foreigners, nerds...Schmidt and Jess?!" - Winston, worried that everyone but him was having sex.
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[Photo credit: Greg Gayne/Fox]
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It was the trickle of pee heard around the world. Cannes attendees were aghast and/or amused an infamous scene from The Paperboy that shows Nicole Kidman urinating on Zac Efron; this is apparently a great salve for jellyfish burns which were covering our Ken Doll-like protagonist. (In fact the term protagonist should be used very loosely for Efron's character Jack who is mostly acted upon than active throughout.)
Lurid! Sexy! Perverse! Trashy! Whether or not it's actually effective is overshadowed by all the hubbub that's attached itself to the movie for better or worse. In fact the movie is all of these things — but that's actually not a compliment. What could have become somethingmemorable is jaw-droppingly bad (when it's not hilarious). Director Lee Daniels uses a few different visual styles throughout from a stark black and white palette for a crime scene recreation at the beginning to a '70s porno aesthetic that oscillates between psychedelic and straight-up sweaty with an emphasis on Efron's tighty-whiteys. This only enhances the sloppiness of the script which uses lines like narrator/housekeeper/nanny Anita's (Macy Gray) "You ain't tired enough to be retired " to conjure up the down-home wisdom of the South. Despite Gray's musical talents she is not a good choice for a narrator or an actor for that matter. In a way — insofar as they're perhaps the only female characters given a chunk of screen time — her foil is Charlotte Bless Nicole Kidman's character. Anita is the mother figure who wears as we see in an early scene control-top pantyhose whereas Charlotte is all clam diggers and Barbie doll make-up. Or as Anita puts it "an oversexed Barbie doll."
The slapdash plot is that Jack's older brother Ward (Matthew McConaughey) comes back to town with his colleague Yardley (David Oyelowo) to investigate the case of a death row criminal named Hillary Van Wetter. Yardley is black and British which seems to confuse many of the people he meets in this backwoods town. Hillary (John Cusack) hidden under a mop of greasy black hair) is a slack-jawed yokel who could care less if he's going to be killed for a crime he might or might not have committed. He is way more interested in his bride-to-be Charlotte who has fallen in love with him through letters — this is her thing apparently writing letters and falling in love with inmates — and has rushed to help Ward and Yardley free her man. In the meantime we're subjected to at least one simulated sex scene that will haunt your dreams forever. Besides Hillary's shortcomings as a character that could rustle up any sort of empathy the case itself is so boring it begs the question why a respected journalist would be interested enough to pursue it.
The rest of the movie is filled with longing an attempt to place any the story in some sort of social context via class and race even more Zac Efron's underwear sexual violence alligator innards swamp people in comically ramshackle homes and a glimpse of one glistening McConaughey 'tock. Harmony Korine called and he wants his Gummo back.
It's probably tantalizing for this cast to take on "serious" "edgy" work by an Oscar-nominated director. Cusack ditched his boombox blasting "In Your Eyes" long ago and Efron's been trying to shed his squeaky clean image for so long that he finally dropped a condom on the red carpet for The Lorax so we'd know he's not smooth like a Ken doll despite how he was filmed by Daniels. On the other hand Nicole Kidman has been making interesting and varied career choices for years so it's confounding why she'd be interested in a one-dimensional character like Charlotte. McConaughey's on a roll and like the rest of the cast he's got plenty of interesting projects worth watching so this probably won't slow him down. Even Daniels is already shooting a new film The Butler as we can see from Oprah's dazzling Instagram feed. It's as if they all want to put The Paperboy behind them as soon as possible. It's hard to blame them.
The Gavin & Stacey funnyman exchanged vows with Julia Carey, the mother of his son Max, at luxury venue Babington House in front of guests including Doctor Who star Matt Smith, comedian David Walliams and Australian singer Natalie Imbruglia.
The couple arrived at the wedding by helicopter after attending the wedding of TV presenter Dermot O'Leary in Kent, England on Friday (14Sep12), and after the nuptials, they were serenaded by Snow Patrol frontman Gary Lightbody.
Hip-hop group Rizzle Kicks also performed, but the highlight of the reception came when Corden's best man Ben Winston played a spoof video tribute which mocked Corden's days in a boyband called Insatiable.
The video reunited the original members of the defunct group and also featured Sir Paul McCartney, One Direction, Snow Patrol and Take That stars Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams, who all recorded a line from a song Corden penned as a youngster, according to Britain's The Sun newspaper.
After the ceremony, Niall Horan of One Direction took to Twitter.com to thank the couple for their hospitality, writing, "Incredible night last night! Thanks to (James Corden) and (Julia Carey) now Corden for having us! Had such a laugh!"
Corden and Carey, who were introduced by the comic's former roommate, actor Dominic Cooper, became engaged in 2010.