13 Amazon Reviews of ‘The Casual Vacancy’ Reveal That J.K. Rowling is Tearing Us Apart

Harry Potter Sad HermioneJ.K. Rowling’s first published adult contemporary fiction novel, The Casual Vacancy, has riled some folks already, so much so that a group of concerned readers in India are actually trying to have the book banned. But that’s not the only place you’ll find controversy. 

Many, many fans are taking issue with Rowling’s new subject matter, which is decidedly more graphic and mature in its themes and language (yes, J.K. Rowling uses the word “f**k”). Apparently, Rowling has a few things to say on the matter, because she told The New Yorker, “There is no part of me that feels that I represented myself as your children’s babysitter or their teacher.” 
Well, that sentiment doesn’t seem to sit too well with her Harry Potter-loving fans. As you can see below, it’s been less than a week since the book’s release and the Amazon comments section is already a veritable battleground of injured, violated, and emotionally wrecked fans. You’re tearing us apart, Jo! Here are the seven phases of dealing with Rowling’s first foray into adult fiction, as presented by Amazon.com commenters: 

Phase 1: Ignorance, Straight Up
What you don’t know won’t kill you, but it might ruin a book… or your childhood. 
Phase 2: That River You’re Standing In Is Called De-Nile
There’s no way these people didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. Or maybe they did. Either way, they’re severely confused. To clarify: this book has nothing to do with Harry Potter. 
Phase 3: This Guy. We’re Not Really Sure What His Deal Is.
Maybe he’s playing a trick on us? 
Phase 4: Fear of Not Being English Enough.
That’s right folks, literature is no longer an international pursuit. You don’t like the book? Don’t worry; it’s a continental thing. 
Phase 5: My Eyes! Oh My Virgin Eyes!
Curse words? I’m sorry, the only curse words I know are mudblood, Voldemort, and Avada Kedavra (get it? Because it’s a killing curse). 
Phase 6: But, The Economy!
You want me to pay how much? You do know we’re in a recession, right?
Phase 7: “Eternal Sunshining” a.k.a. Willful Memory Loss
Why let Rowling ruin your life when you can just erase her altogether? We all know that worked out so well for Jim Carrey. 
Did you read Rowling’s book? Is it tearing you apart? Or would you like to come to Jo’s defense?
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[Photo Credit: Warner Bros.]
Celebrity Editor Kelsea Stahler was born in a pile of dirt. Okay, she was actually born in an old Naval hospital in San Diego, which then became a pile of dirt and remained as such for a number of years before becoming a parking lot perfectly sized for circus tents, and finally a museum. She eventually left San Diego to attend New York University, where she studied Journalism and English literature — two less-than profitable liberal arts degrees about which guidance counselors warned her. Against all odds, she now resides in Brooklyn, where she fights the constant fear that the locals will soon discover she isn’t quite cool enough to live there, and makes a living writing absurd, pop culture features about Batman, zombies, vampires, funny people, and Ron Swanson.