Man, women are the worst, aren't they? I mean, they should be the best, what with their boobs and their bodies and their vaginas and long hair and whatnot. Sometimes they even smell good! Women should be the greatest things on the planet — a real treat for the men who want them! But somewhere down the line, a f**k up occurred, giving women free will and brains controllable without the help of a dude! And now, thanks to these ladyjerks, a billion boners the world over have gone untouched.
Nowhere is this phenomenon more present than Los Angeles. Because apparently, all of the women in this town are withholding boobs and vaginas without permission. And for people like Pauly Shore! Like OMG WTF, right? It's not fair that these women are allowed to run around being all hot and attractive but not share their bodily wealth with the dudes that want them. Not only that, but most of the women in LA are coke fiends (and we don't mean soda) that refuse drink enough booze on dates. Sure, these ladies might cite things like "safety" and "the law" as reasons for not imbibing the right amount to get a guy laid (pish posh!), but we all know they're just trying to ruin men's lives for funsies. How are the men of LA supposed to get their d**ks wet if the vaginas they're after aren't drunk? Ugh, ladies be dumb, right?!
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How dare us females do that to the men of Los Angeles — don't we know better? Maybe we should all just move to the Valley — a mythical land made up completely of unf**kables (aka ugly and/or fat girls, because not even the men of L.A. would stoop so low) — and stop advertising that our bodies are open for business when clearly they're not. Prejudice!
Are you mad yet? Welcome to the world of the viral video atrocity "Women of L.A.," an ode to the exclusively-frigid females that populate the city of Angels. Angels like DJ Lubel, the comedian who spent a heck of a lot of time and money crafting the deeply-misogynistic clip below. If you haven't seen it yet, you're in for a real treat. Watch it without pulling your hair out, I dare you.
Lubel and his cast of guest-stars (including Jaleel White, Pauly Shore, and Mr. Belding himself, Dennis Haskins) regale us with their song of woe. Hot girls won't sleep with our hereos here, Internet! It's crazy, right? All these dumb hot ladies (don't you worry, ladies of the Valley: you're not worth anyone's time) only want monied men! Or some hot dude! Life's a b**ch, then you marry one, and then you die, amirite?
Luckily, the Internet (save for Ashton Kutcher, because of course) has made us proud over the past few days with its overwhelming disdain for the video. Comedians like Patton Oswalt, Christine Nangle, Ed Lee, and Tim Neenan have all voiced their dislike for the video's overwhelming misogyny passed off as comedy. Perhaps the most eloquently-stated of them all was a response from L.A.-based funyperson Erin Gibson, who wrote a fabulous blog post explaining frame-by-frame why the whole thing was just the worst.
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Now, Lubel might have created the video as a satire (one could only hope), perhaps in an attempt to skewer the very type of men who would say these sort of things. But the problem is that a lot of people see this sort of thing as truth-comedy: that women are nothing more than objects with heartbeats (and holes to put penises in!!!!!) put on Earth for male enjoyment. Whether Lubel sees that his rape joke-laced misogynistic complaint-rap as a joke or a commentary has yet to be proven, but that doesn't really matter. And this is where Gibson's thought-out analysis really hits the nail on the head; while she's "sure DJ Lubel didn’t set out to make something misogynistic or anti-women," he has, and that sort of unwitting naïveté is "what makes [the video] so horrifying." Lubel "doesn’t even know what he’s doing. It’s the attitude of 'I’m a guy, how dare these women reject me!?', implying that women are here to serve men, despite how women feel." And since Lubel is so "blind to what he is doing, he doesn’t realize the degree to which he is completely dehumanizing women to the point of denying that they have their own wants and desires and thoughts and opinions, all so he can promote a series of LA clichés that were sort of acceptable before 1985." Preach, Gibson!
In the end, there will always be a core group of fans for this sort of hackneyed, base style of humor, but it doesn't mean we have to put up with it when shoved in our faces. It warms the cockles of this woman of LA's heart to hear the Internet collectively stands up against something so offensive. YouTube commenters and Kutchers notwithstanding, of course.
What do you think of the 'Women of L.A.'? Do you find it funny or foolish? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo Credit: YouTube]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes.
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Sweetin and Coulier, who played Stephanie Tanner and quirky Joey Gladstone in the long-running U.S. show, will team up for web series Can't Get Arrested, in which they will portray a "version of themselves" and work together to rekindle their careers by using any means necessary to attract media attention and get back in the spotlight.
The programme, which is set to premiere on Monday (31Oct11), will also feature a number of guest stars, including Full House alum Candace Cameron and Saved by the Bell's Dennis Haskins.
The School of Rock star will be among the card sharks competing for big bucks at the All-In to Win for Hope event next month (29Oct11) at the Commerce Casino in California.
Black will be joined by a slew of other stars, among them High School Musical's Bart Johnson, former Saved by the Bell star Dennis Haskins and actress Camryn Manheim.
Proceeds from the event will be donated to the Renal Support Network, which benefits those affected by chronic kidney disease, and Love Across The Ocean, a non-profit organisation which helps refugees from all over the world start a new life.
Event chairman Dale Wade Davis says, "We are excited to have Jack Black participate in our second annual celebrity poker tournament. On behalf of our tournament partner, Love Across The Ocean, we look forward to an afternoon full of entertainment and are honoured to have Jack help us raise awareness about chronic kidney disease and the importance of organ donation, as well as the plight of refugee families."
I say "creepy" because Untraceable’s theory could actually be a reality. The possibility of a tech-savvy psycho setting up a Web site that displays graphic murders could happen with the fate of each of the tormented captives left in the hands of the public: The more hits the site gets the faster the victims die--and in the case of Untraceable die in very gruesome ways. Of course Untraceable also gives us a peek at the good guys--the FBI division that is dedicated to investigating and prosecuting cybercriminals. Special Agent Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) is one such Internet expert who along with her co-worker (Colin Hanks) is stymied by KillWithMe.com’s untraceablity. But soon the movie turns predictable as the cat-and-mouse game gets personal and Marsh must race against the clock to stop the madman. Lane has certainly looked better in her past movies. For obvious effect they’ve made Agent Marsh rather worn-down with dark circles under her eyes and very little makeup as she sits in front of the computer hunting the bad guys all night on the late shift. The fact that she’s also a widow having lost her cop husband to the job and caregiver to her young daughter doesn’t help the woman get anymore rest. Then when the crap starts hitting the fan and people close to Marsh get hurt the actress really shows the pain on her already haggard face. Marsh even admits “I do a lot of things well but I don’t lose people well.” It’s a standard tough-FBI-agent role and Lane is very capable at it. Supporting her is Hanks (Orange County) as the resident comic relief (what little of it there is) as well as Billy Burke (Fracture) the local cop trying to help Marsh catch the psycho Internet killer. As for the killer himself the actor who portrays him (and I won’t give it away) is very effective in the role. There are a couple of other things Untraceable has going for it besides the chilling premise: director Gregory Hoblit who knows his way around a crime thriller having directed gems such as Primal Fear and Fracture and the dank Portland Oregon locale. Hoblit creates just the right amount of tension and dread as the clock ticks down and the race nears its end but something about an overcast rainy environ just lends itself to more doom and gloom doesn’t it? Of course there are also the torture scenes which add a certain level of Hostel-like horror. What Untraceable lacks is a compelling narrative. The bevy of writers involved (never the best of signs) tend to throw in too many conventional thriller plot points--like the red herrings on who the killer is before he’s revealed and explaining why the killer is doing what he’s doing. All these things dilute the film’s initial potential. Still let’s just hope this doesn’t spawn real-life copycats.
David Callaway (Robert De Niro) is having a tough time dealing with the apparent suicide of his wife (Amy Irving). His young daughter Emily (Dakota Fanning) also has taken her mother's death very hard retreating into her own little world. As a psychologist David decides the only way to help Emily is to move from the big city to a house in the country. Sure that kind of thing usually works like a charm. Emily does perk up a bit when she finds a new "friend " Charlie who likes to have fun and play hide and seek with her. Of course we can't actually see this new friend but that's beside the point. The imaginary Charlie is still a powerful force in Emily's life instructing her not to talk about him much and hating pretty much everyone else in her life including her dad. In short order bad things start happening--yes the family pet gets whacked--which Emily blames on Charlie. This leaves David wondering how his little girl could have turned so psychotic. But wait. Maybe Charlie isn't imaginary after all but actually a flesh-and-blood malevolent presence. Oh god do you think so?
Why you may ask would an acting icon like Robert De Niro star of such classic movies as Raging Bull and Goodfellas choose such a cheesy film as Hide and Seek? Very good question. Maybe he was drawn into the project based on the premise like the rest of us without realizing how derivative the story would get as things progressed. Of course De Niro plays the confused father--dealing with what could possibly be a demonic child--with a fair amount of finesse. But he's a pro that's what he does. Fanning (I Am Sam) too does the best she can as the sunken-eyed pasty-faced Emily. She sulks around rarely smiles and draws scary pictures of people dying horrible deaths which has now become a prerequisite for any child in a scary movie. In the supporting roles Elisabeth Shue Famke Janssen and Dylan Baker are all pretty much wasted. Shue who hasn't acted in anything major since 2000's Hollow Man makes a brief appearance as a potential paramour for David. Janssen (X-Men) playing David's colleague and Emily's confidante thinks living in isolation is a bad idea (and she's right!). Veteran character actor Baker (Kinsey) takes on the predictable role of the hapless town sheriff who never quite gets he's about to be in a world of hurt.
It is always disappointing when the promise of something potentially creepy turns out to possess the same old tired plot points and scare tactics seen countless times before. Director John Polson--best known for helming Swimfan another predictable stalker-gone-mad thriller--and novice screenwriter Ari Schlossberg don't have the necessary skills to take Hide and Seek above and beyond its conventional trappings. To its small credit the film does build a bit of tension in the beginning as David and Emily skirt around each other trying to grasp onto some kind of normalcy. Then when Emily introduces Charlie you continue to hold out hope that somehow the filmmakers will channel some of M. Night Shyamalan's aura and start really scaring the bejesus out of you. But alas it isn't meant to be. Instead you're sitting there pretty much guessing every move the film is going to make before it happens. When the twist finally comes around--you knew there was a twist right?--it doesn't really surprise you whether you've guess it or not.
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Madonna has some advice for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: get over it. In an interview for Access Hollywood that aired Thursday, Madonna said, "To a certain extent, [Affleck and Lopez] courted the media attention. At the end of the day I feel like that's their job, and then there needs to be a part of the relationship that you keep private." But the pop diva added, "You know, I'm not making a judgment call on Jennifer and Ben ... we can only make assumptions about why it did or didn't happen. Ultimately, if you have a strong relationship, and there is understanding of what a committed marriage is, I don't think that having a lot of media attention can break it up."
P. Diddy Is No "Sweat" Daddy
In an investigation into whether Sean "P. Diddy" Combs is using "sweatshops" to make his trendy clothing line, Honduran officials said Thursday they could find no evidence of worker's exploitation at the factory, Reuters reports. "We haven't found instances of exploitation, or slave-like conditions," Honduran Labor Minister German Leitzelar told Reuters. The U.S. National Labor Committee accused Combs' factory managers earlier this week of cursing at Honduran workers, refusing to pay overtime, or firing them when they became pregnant. In a press conference, Combs vowed to have "zero tolerance" for any labor law violations in factories producing his Sean John clothing line.
Rocker Weiland Ordered Into Another Drug Program
While still completing a court-ordered drug counseling program, Stone Temple Pilots' lead singer Scott Weiland was charged Thursday with driving under the influence and ordered to a live-in detox program, to be followed by a six-month stay in a residential drug rehabilitation center, Reuters reports. Weiland was arrested Monday after crashing into a parked car in Hollywood.
Chong's Jail Release Denied
A federal judge ruled that Tommy Chong, one half of the pot-smokin' comic duo Cheech and Chong, must continue serving his prison sentence for conspiracy to sell drug paraphernalia while his appeal is pending, AP reports. The 65-year-old actor and comedian pleaded guilty to conspiracy last spring in federal court and was sentenced to nine months in prison.
Tyler's Daughter Marries Drummer
Plus-size model Mia Tyler, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler's daughter and actress Liv Tyler's sister, married Papa Roach drummer David Buckner in front of thousands of people during an Aerosmith concert at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, AP reports. The proud father of the bride reportedly told the audience, "Hey Vegas, I need a favor, my daughter wants to get married tonight. Can I get a witness?" It's the first marriage for both.
McCartney Tops British Rich List
Former Beatle Paul McCartney, 61, was named the biggest earner in Britain--the same week his second wife, Heather Mills, gave birth to a baby girl, Reuters reports. The latest Sunday Times Pay List reports McCartney earns $68 million a year. "Maybe a baby will make him feel young and stay in touch with modern trends in his dotage," list compiler Philip Beresford told Reuters. Other rockers on the list include Sting, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton and Rod Stewart.
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Macaulay Culkin signed a deal with NBC to develop several television projects, including a possible comedy show for fall 2004. "We're going to use him in an unconventional way," NBC's president of prime-time development, Kevin Reilly told AP. "I don't think you'll see Macaulay as a straight-down-the-middle romantic lead. I think you'll see him in something surprising, a little offbeat."
Miller Heads to CNBC
Dennis Miller will host a prime-time cable talk show on CNBC, Reuters reports. The politically charged comedian will also serve as executive producer for the hour-long show, set to debut in January. "With all that's going on in the world today, it's nice to have a nightly platform to air my opinions. I'm happy to be back in the NBC family," said Miller, a former Saturday Night Live regular on the peacock channel.
Role Call: Cain To Star in Peterson Story, Affleck Plays Coach
Dean Cain will portray Scott Peterson--the Modesto, Calif., man accused of killing his wife, Laci Peterson, and their unborn son--in an upcoming USA Networks television movie, AP reports. The film, tentatively titled The Perfect Husband, will be from the perspective of two of Laci's friends and will follow the real-life headlines about the search for Laci and subsequent revelations about Scott, network officials told AP… In more movie news, Ben Affleck has agreed to play retired University of Texas at El Paso basketball coach Don Haskins in a feature about the 1966 Texas Western NCAA championship, AP reports. Antoine Fuqua (Tears of the Sun) will direct.