Some pretty damn terrible stuff happened in 2012. On the serious side, there was war, poverty, starvation, and Hurricane Sandy. On the less serious side, there were annoying doomsday prophets, the death of Twinkies, the introduction of "YOLO" into the public vernacular, and the movie Playing for Keeps. In short, there were plenty of reasons for us to completely lose our s*** and ugly cry as a form of public catharsis this year. But these folks — real, or imaginary — took it a step further. They just wouldn't. Stop. Crying. So, to give them something to be happy about, we've given them all an award — a spot on our 'Top 5 Ugly Criers of 2012' List! Behold!
5. The Drunk Crier: Deena Nicole Cortese, Jersey Shore
Poor Deena. Being arrested for public intoxication on public television is never fun. It's even worse when your mother shows up and scolds you for your irresponsible behavior. We don't really feel sorry for you since you do it to yourself (and make tons of money for it), but your mascara tears have earned you the number 5 spot on our list. Congrats?
NEXT: Someone who just can't catch a break4. The "Everything I've Ever Known is Falling Apart" Crier: Juice (Theo Rossi), Sons of Anarchy
Juice, Juice, Juice. You know, you could have just told the club that your father was black, and that whole RICO case dilemma — as well as having your soul torn apart by being stuck in the middle of the epic battle between Jax and Clay — would never have happened. Honestly is always the best policy, and you certainly learned that the hard way this year when you had to betray your beloved father figure. Here's to hoping for a better Season 6, Juicey.
NEXT: Middle school problems3. The "My Crush Doesn't Like Me Back" Crier: Eponine (Samantha Barks), Les Misérables
Girl, we need to have a chat. It happens to the best of us — you see a cute guy, he seems pretty damn perfect, then he falls for the cute perky blonde. It sucks. But you know what? Marius ain't all that great. He has a weird habit of singing to empty chairs at empty tables, and he chose to like freaking COSETTE over you. (Cosette, for all of you non-book readers, spends chapters staring at her mirror, thinking about how pretty she is. Really.) You're gorgeous, you're brave, you have an amazing singing voice, and there are a ton of hot French dudes who would be more than happy to date you. Stop focusing on that "heart full of love" pretty boy and go to town! You're young!
NEXT: Someone who fell in with the wrong crowd 2. The "My Life Legitimately Sucks" Crier: Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul), Breaking Bad
Like Juice, you could easily argue that Jesse deserves everything he gets, because he chose "the life." But Jesse (unlike Juice) is being played by the best manipulator on TV, Walter White (Bryan Cranston, if you live under a rock). He started out as a dumb but relatively innocent kid who wanted to make some cash, but now he's completely stuck with this madman, who has let Jesse believe that he was responsible for poisoning a child. (He wasn't.) Jesse still tortures himself for this, and has overcome a terrible drug addiction and horrible family issues only to be continuously manipulated by Walt, who really has no concern for Jesse's well-being. He tried his best to make an exit this year, but with Walt in the picture, a happy ending for poor Jesse doesn't seem likely.
NEXT: The undeniable MVP 1. The Muhammad Ali of Ugly Crying: Carrie Matheson (Claire Danes), Homeland
Come on, was there ever any doubt? Claire Danes took ugly crying and turned it into an Emmy award-winning art form. Her character's bipolar disorder and chaotic lifestyle does give her a lot to cry about, but this one is truly a special case. It will go down in the TV ugly crying history books for sure.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
[PHOTO CREDIT: AMC; Showtime; MTV; Universal Pictures; FX]
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Yet another in a LONG line of teenage sex comedies this one manages somehow to be fresh and appealing -- despite the formu-lay-ic premise. That’s right another horny 18 year-old boy (Josh Zuckerman) is determined to lose his virginity any way he can. Ian can’t seem to become a “man ” upstaged by a Lothario of an older brother Rex (James Marsden) and his even more successful 14 year-old younger brother. He is constantly humiliated by the giant donut costume he wears for his job at the mall and can’t even get to first base with Felicia (Amanda Crew) a girl who thinks of him only as her best friend and nothing more. With the pressure of going to college as a sexual outcast what’s a hot-to-trot young dude to do? In this case -- using encouragement from pal Lance (Clark Duke) and with Felicia along for the ride -- the threesome take off in the unsuspecting Rex’s prized Pontiac GTO for a cross-country drive Ian thinks will end with the payoff of sex with a hot blonde named Ms. Tasty (Katrina Bowden) he met on the Internet. Unfortunately the one-day outing turns into a three-day nightmare for the trio with brother Rex on their trail and friend Lance getting a little too cocksure for his own good. Oh and did we forget to mention the Amish farm they manage to work into the tour? In the obligatory Jason Biggs role Josh Zuckerman is totally winning as a sex-starved high school graduate looking desperately to tame his out-of-control libido. With sharp comic timing and no end to the ways he is willing to humiliate himself for the sake of his art Zuckerman should have a bright future. Although the casting of his friend Lance played by the pudgy Duke would seem to be an attempt to emulate the Michael Cera/Jonah Hill teaming of Superbad Duke’s go-for-the-big laughs approach feels like we are seeing this kind of goosed-up sex maniac act for the first time. As the female “best friend” Felicia Amanda Crew is very appealing and thankfully grounded in reality. Marsden is hilarious as dopey Rex who prizes his vintage GTO and his own sexual prowess even more than the love of little bro. Seth Green has some funny bits as the sarcastic Amish man who somehow seems to know how to fix hot rods. Bowden is gorgeous and devious as the Internet hottie who may not be all Ian hoped for. Special mention also to Charlie McDermott and Mark Young who as a recurring kind of geek chorus playing two inept high school girl magnets. NOT. Director and co-screenwriter (with John Morris) Sean Anders manages to infuse what could have been a stale leftover piece of American Pie with new life and that’s largely thanks to some very funny VERY raunchy situations he dreams up for these likeable and recognizable characters. The premise of a so-called Sex Drive also offers ripe opportunities in this genre and Anders gets a lot of play out of it particularly from Duke whose uninhibited acting grabs most of the big laughs. Although they crank the gross factor way up the film doesn’t lose sight that it’s mostly a coming-of-age comic look at a rite of passage most young guys -- and girls -- will identify with. Although much is predictable Sex Drive has a strong sense of what it wants to be and in the end even turns sweetly romantic something most films of this stripe rarely do.