Quickly enough, the varied rage-aholics comprising Vice President Selena Meyer's immediate staff have eased back into their insult- and obscenity-spouting M.O.s, churning out a whole bunch of hostility in the second episode of the stellar comedy's Season 3. This week, Selena faces the stresses of having to choose a new stance on abortion in light of her POTUS' quick shift toward the pro-life side. Naturally, the high-tension situation brings out a lot of colorful language in her crew. But who topped the lot with the harshest one-liners?
7. Secretary of the In-terror: JONAH
"Old Media like the Washington Toast better run and hide in the bathroom and join the Poo York Times."Oh Jonah...
"F**k HuffPo. They should be called 'PuffHo,' because Ariana Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces."...you horrible idiot.
6. Abhor-ney General: SUE
"[Selena] is on the Coast Guard boat. Meeting and greeting fish."Self-explanatory. Somehow a much funnier line than it sounds like it would be.
"I don't need an enhanced roll to know my worth, Gary."After Gary explodes with giddiness over his being asked to handle a task over Sue.
5. Secretary of Offense: BEN
Responding to Selena's sarcastic quip about the existence of an "I don't give a s**t" lobby:"You're looking at him. I've got posters, buttons... not really. Because I don't give a s**t."
"I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it go away." What do you even make of this?
"It would take a brain about this sizeMocking Gary's display of fruits representing the sizes of fetuses at different stages of gestation.
"I'm going home. If anybody needs me, I don't care."A classic, always.
4. Secretary of Treachery: MIKE
"Walt, Randal, this is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back."Introducing his new stepsons to Jonah.
"'Copy Cat Selena,' that's what they'll say. 'Me Too Meyer.' 'S**t for Brains.'"Predicting the public's antagonism for Selena's decision to mimic the abortion cut-off of another candidate.
3. Secretary of Hate: SELENA
"It begins here. In this Polish dungeon."Selena's grinning dismissal of her Maryland campaign office.
"I can’t identify myself as a woman. People can’t know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that… which, I believe, is most women."Regrettable bonus points for putting down her gender as a whole.
"You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?"To Mike, about Jonah.
"I can't listen to that Joan Crawford b**ch about Bette Davis anymore."In the parameters of this insult, Ben is Joan Crawford and Kent is Bette Davis.
"I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Should I print that up on a t-shirt that I can give to you?"Said to Dan, following his outburst over her inability to make a decision on the abortion issue. It's at once horrifying, condescending, and hilarious.
2. Vicious Vice-President: AMY
"You just gonna sit there, SpongeBob?"Mocking Dan for his seasickness. It's not so much the insult itself, but Amy's ability to make such a banal joke so pointedly mean that wins her points here.
"Tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on speakerphone now."I'm picking up on a very subtle undercurrent that everybody hates Mike's new wife. Or at least the idea of another human being entering their lives in a personal capacity.
"Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It's like listening to Jupiter."About Maddox.
"Moving on, and Dan may be quite soon..."Immediately following Selena's threats to oust Dan from his job. The callousness of her noting that Dan might actually get fired is what makes this such a gem.
"Go home. Take an ambien. Take 50."Said to Dan. Jeez, Amy really hates Dan.
"'Twenty-two-and-a-half Weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller."Putting down Gary's suggestion for an abortion cut-off. She could have just said 'no' ... but she's an artist.
1. The President of Put-Downs: DAN
"You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral."Putting down Gary's suggestion that Selena tell the world she's running for president. He could have just said 'no' ... but he's a wizard.
"That s**t-shoveled-faced-f**kin' Jonah."I don't even know what this means.
"I am going to rip your guts out of your tiny, shriveled little Chihuahua c**k."To Jonah.
"Hey, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito."To Jonah's friend.
"If you say anything about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height."To Jonah.
But Dan's real genius comes in the nonverbal form this week, blowing up at Selena to the point of physical tremors and shoving aforementioned burrito into Jonah's face as a symbol of his menace. Both are sights to behold from the usually stoic-to-the-point-of-soulless Dan.
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"Every angel needs an archangel!"In this scenario, he's the angel and Selena is the archangel. Gary... you weirdo.
Follow @Michael Arbeiter| Follow @Hollywood_com
The 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival is officially in full swing, with nearly everyone in Hollywood transported to the prestigious French fest for a week and a half of wheeling and dealing. Catch up on all the goings-on with Cannes Chatter.
For a new mother, Natalie Portman shows no sign of slowing down. Along with roles in the upcoming Thor 2, the Terrence Malick double feature Knight of Cup and To the Wonder and a possible part in the next movie from the Wachowskis, Portman is now attached to star in Jane Got a Gun, a Western from We Need to Talk About Kevin director Lynne Ramsay. Deals for the film, which would see Portman playing a woman who must protect her home from the gangsters who killed her husband, are currently being pitched at Cannes. The script for Jane made the 2011 Black List, a compilation of the best unproduced scripts in Hollywood. Sounds like a winner already. [Deadline]
One of the bigger premieres of the festival went down Tuesday evening, the long-gestating adaptation of On the Road. Sporting Kristen Stewart, Garrett Headland, Sam Riley, Kirsten Dunst and a host of others, the Walter Salles-directed film was highly anticipated by attendees and film buffs alike. Did it satisfy?
The quintessential tome of the beat generation is loose and expressive, and The Hollywood Reporter suggests the filmmakers found a way to visualize the tone: "the colors are intense, looks and gestures are fleetingly caught, rhythms are varied to convey highs and lows of perception and sensation." HitFix is positive, giving props to Stewart who gives "good work…further indication that as soon as she puts the Twilight series in her rearview mirror, she's got a promising career ahead of her." Indiewire is less enthusiastic, suggesting that "after a while the film feels like any other roadtrip -- no matter how beautiful the scenery flickering by through the window, eventually you just want to get out of the goddamn car," while Film School Rejects points out the clunky nature of the film as a whole — including the placement of its all-star cast. "The film also features lunatic cameos from Viggo Mortensen, Amy Adams and Steve Buscemi, which are all accomplished, but are dropped into the narrative too clumsily to make them feel like anything but ill-fitting jigsaw pieces." The movie will be released by IFC in the Fall, and now there are two new looks riding the coattails of the Cannes debut:
Is Cannes turning into Comic-Con? Following in the footsteps of the Weinstein Company's Django Unchained/The Master/Silver Lingings Playbook footage showcase, rumors are swirling that the festival will hold its own secret presentation, a selection of cinematic snippets from films on the horizon. Movies rumored to be involved with the screening include The Impossible, a Naomi Watts/Ewan McGregor drama revolving around the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, and legendary Chinese filmmaker Wong Kar Wai's martial arts epic The Grandmasters. What, no Dark Knight Rises? [Deadline]
Follow Matt Patches on Twitter @misterpatches
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[Photo Credit: WENN.com]
"Holy s**t Leslie, that was awesome." For the first time, maybe ever, Bobby Newport said something we could all agree on. What may or may not have inadvertently been a six-word concession speech from Leslie Knope's dopey, privileged opponent perfectly summed up the next – fingers crossed! – city council member of Pawnee's amazing closing statement.
Of course, it wasn't an immediate knockout punch from ultimate fighter Leslie Knope during the long-awaited debate on last night's Parks and Recreation aptly titled "The Debate." In fact, our gal had to put up one hell of a fight. With the adorable and supportive Ben, as always, in her corner, Leslie had to gun in guns blazing as she was behind Bobby (the endlessly funny Paul Rudd) eight percent in the polls. But the popular, crowd-baiting Bobby wasn't going to be Leslie's only challenge in the 800-seat auditorium.
The debate's moderators were none other than the hopeless Purd Hapley and unabashed Leslie hater, the newly single Joan Callamezzo; her fellow debaters were more clueless and unqualified than the next (including the return of porn star Brandy Maxxxx and the introduction of new opponents like gun nut Fester Trim, played by none other than Friday Night Lights' Buddy Garrity –er, Brad Leland); and Bobby proved to be nothing more than a spoiled child more than ever. ("That hurt my feelings" was one of his legitimate rebuttals.)
Against all logic and reason Bobby Newport looked poised to run away with winning this debate, thanks to his stupid charms and his threat that if Leslie were to win, the Newport clan would be forced to move Sweetums out of town, leaving Pawnee-ans with less jobs and less candy. Leslie had a choice: Surrender to Bobby's pandering in a political popularity contest or speak from the heart and go for the gut. Of course asking what Leslie would do in this situation is like asking if waffles are the greatest thing in the history of the world: It's a no-brainer.
Leslie delivered a stunning, eloquent, sincere closing statement condemning Bobby's message to the people of Pawnee about the Sweetums removal. "When you love something, you don't threaten it. You take care of it, you put it first.....No one takes advantage of Pawnee." BAM! If Leslie rightly wins this election for that speech Emmy voters better take a cue from the people of Pawnee and give Amy Poehler the long-overdue trip to the podium to make her own speech.
Meanwhile, as Leslie was going 12 rounds with her flailing opponents, the rest of her rag tag team was off doing their part to keep her up and swinging in the fight. April, Tom, and Chris doubled as both the "spin" team for Leslie's big debate night and the least interesting love triangle ever assembled. In the midst of another one of their break-ups, things got even more "complicated" for the infinitely unlikeable coupling of Tom and Ann when Chris tried to win his ex back. ("I honestly can't believe we ever dated" Ann cried about Tom at one point. We couldn't agree more.)
The biggest issue in this triangle is, there's no one or nothing to root for in this scenario. If anything, all three of these characters should go back to being single. Never mind that Tom and Ann have no chemistry whatsoever, but Ann acknowledges she's been better since breaking up with Chris. If Tom is planning on growing up and losing the swagger, shouldn't he be with someone who appreciates that? Shouldn't Chris learn to be on his own for a little while and realize that life knocks you on your ass and you'd better find some better ways to deal with it? Can't Ann just let these two poor guys move on for good? There's no spinning here, this is the one weak spot in Parks and Rec's otherwise great episode.
Thankfully, there was nothing even remotely close to bad about Ron, April, and Andy's storyline. Given the fancy duty of holding a donor fundraising party at their house, Ron supplied his famous ribs and Andy and April supplied their cable. Well, they would have if Andy had remembered to pay the cable bill. Of course, this is a resourceful bunch, especially in a pinch Andy killed time by re-telling and reenacting some of his favorite movies, including Road House, Rambo, and Babe, while Ron climbed a telephone poll to rig up some free cable in time for the debate. (Andy accidentally kicking the TV in a fit of excitement and Ron keeping an eye out for police atop the poll made for some of the best physical comedy moments in the show's history.)
With just two more episodes to go in the roller coaster Season 4, here's hoping Leslie pulls off this underdog victory. Not only because she so richly deserves it, but because the show does, too. If Leslie continues to evolve in her personal and professional life, the other characters will follow suit. (Just look at how much April has changed and grown during this campaign.)
Here are some of the best highlights and lines from last night's Parks and Rec "The Debate":
- Andy's excited victory cry in preparation for Team Leslie.
- April's $100 lap dances.
- All of Andy's reenactments and Donna's priceless reaction.
- The promise of a "fully functional mall on Jupiter by 2013."
- Jerry watching the debate with a group of nuns with no explanation whatsoever.
- Bobby making a graceless exit, in every sense of the word, after the debate
- "I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Darling and Todd and Rick"- Andy, on holding a donor party.
- "I know. We sleep in the same bed, it's been hell"- Ben to Leslie regarding her debate dreams with Bobby.
- "Ron Swanson."- Ron's closing statement. Ron. Freakin'. Swanson.
- "We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left 'em at Wendy's on the way home" - Andy's attempt to talk finances at their donor party.
- "Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan"- Leslie
- "I love you and I like you"- Ben and Leslie's declaration to each other. (The feeling is mutual, guys.)
- "This question about public safety comes from Twitter, because apparently that's something that happens now" - Joan, during the debate.
- "How do we fix this town? I have no idea. You tell me."- Bobby Newport (Runner-up: His stance on abortion – "Let's all have a good time!")
So does Leslie have this thing in the bag or will Pawnee continue to stay sweet(ums) on Bobby Newport? Do you agree that Ann, Chris, and Tom all need to call it quits? Are Andy and Ron Swanson the greatest things to ever happen to television? (The answer to that last one is "Yes, of course!") Sound off in the comments section below!
Follow Aly on Twitter @AlySemigran.
[Photo credit: NBC]
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