Former Guns N' Roses star Matt Sorum is set to wed his longtime girlfriend in Palm Springs, California next month (Oct13), according to reports. The rocker, who is currently protesting Japan's annual dolphin hunt, plans to tie the knot with Adriane Harper on 12 October (13).
The couple formed the band Diamond Baby in 2010 and enjoyed success with debut single The Last Rockstar, which was released in 2011.
At the moment there are few greater clichés in the media than the freaking out single woman on the cusp of 30. Of course clichés are clichés for a reason worth exploring even through the lens of just one or two women as in Lola Versus. Unfortunately while the intention behind Lola Versus isn't that we should all be happily married by the age of 30 it still fits into the same rubric of all those "Why You're Not Married" books.
Lola (Greta Gerwig) has a gorgeous fiancé Luke (Joel Kinnaman) and they live in a giant loft together the kind of dreamy NYC real estate that seems to exist primarily in the movies. Just as they're planning their gluten-free wedding cake with a non-GMO rice milk-based frosting Luke dumps her. It's cruelly sudden — although Luke isn't a cruel man. Lola finds little comfort in the acerbic wit of her best friend the eternally single Alice (Zoe Lister-Jones) who is probably delighted to see her perfectly blonde best friend taken down a peg and into the murky world of New York coupling. Lola and Luke share a best friend Henry (Hamish Linklater) a messy-haired rumpled sweetheart who is kind and safe and the inevitable shelter for Lola's fallout. Her parents well-meaning and well-to-do hippie types feed her kombucha and try to figure out their iPads and give her irrelevant advice.
Lola Versus is slippery. Its tone careens between broad TV comedy and earnest dramedy almost as if Alice is in charge of the dirty zingers and Lola's job is to make supposedly introspective statements. Alice's vulgar non-sequiturs are tossed off without much relish and Lola's dialogue comes off too often as expository and plaintive. We don't need Lola to tell Henry "I'm vulnerable I'm not myself I'm easily persuaded" or "I'm slutty but I'm a good person!" (Which is by the way an asinine statement to make. One might even say she's not even that "slutty " she's just making dumb decisions that hurt those around her just as much as she's hurting herself.)
We know that she's a mess — that's the point of the story! It's not so much that a particularly acerbic woman wouldn't say to her best friend "Find your spirit animal and ride it until its d**k falls off " but that she wouldn't say it in the context of this movie. It's from some other movie over there one where everyone is as snarky and bitter as Alice. You can't have your black-hearted comedy and your introspective yoga classes. Is it really a stride forward for feminism that the clueless single woman has taken the place of the stoner man-child in media today? When Lola tells Luke "I'm taken by myself. I've gotta just do me for a while " it's true. But it doesn't sound true and it doesn't feel true.
In one scene Lola stumbles on the sidewalk and falls to the ground. No one asks her if she's okay or needs help; she simply gets up on her own and goes on her way. It's a moment that has happened to so many people. It's humiliating and so very public but of course you just gotta pick yourself up and get where you're going. In this movie it's a head-smackingly obvious metaphor. In one of the biggest missteps of the movie Jay Pharoah plays a bartender that makes the occasional joke while Lola is waiting tables at her mom's restaurant. His big line at the end is "And I'm your friend who's black!" It would have been better to leave his entire character on the cutting room floor than attempt such a half-hearted wink at the audience.
Lister-Jones and director Daryl Wein co-wrote the screenplay for Lola Versus as they did with 2009's Breaking Upwards. Both films deal with the ins and outs of their own romantic relationship in one way or another. Breaking Upwards a micro-budget indie about a rough patch in their relationship was much more successful in tone and direction. Lola Versus has its seeds in Lister-Jones' experience as a single woman in New York and is a little bit farther removed from their experiences. Lola Versus feels like a wasted opportunity. Relatively speaking there are so few movies getting made with a female writer or co-writer that it almost feels like a betrayal to see such a tone-deaf portrayal of women onscreen. What makes it even more disappointing is how smart and likable everyone involved is and knowing that they could have made a better movie.
S1:E2 “The charity that we call ‘Consequences’ started not long after I met my husband, when I saw what happens when someone goes to jail and their whole family falls apart.” - Lea
Of all these women, Lea is the one who is the one who spends the least time thinking about matching her pucci muumuu to the sea glass that washes up on shore. Instead, she spends her time thinking about what happens to someone’s family when its leader or head honcho goes to prison. Every year she throws this big gala, and it is to raise money for the families that criminals leave behind once they are sentenced and put away. Lea explained that in the three, four or five months leading up to the gala, she can be working for 22 hours a day, which is certainly impressive because I’m pretty sure putting together a huge gala isn’t anything like playing Sims. We learned that this year’s gala had 175 auction items, which included Rolls Royces, a Spyker, cruises, vacations, and other luxury items. And even though those kinds of items sound completely irrational, Lea herself is quite rational and realizes that the economy is bad and that the Spyker just might have to come home with her, and could even be just the place for the gerbil to live when the bottom of his cage is being re-lined.
“Our magazines there sell because the lower person wants to see you and they want to wear the dress you’re wearing, they want to look like you, they want to be at that event, and they can’t. So the closest thing they have is this magazine.” – Alexia
Alexia also thinks she’s a businesswoman, and her business is making sure the people of lower socioeconomic statuses get access to people of high socioeconomic statues without the two groups having to interact. In other words, Alexia’s magazine documents the lifestyles of the rich and famous so the people who have to mow their lawns with their babies strapped to their chests can find their lives a little less tedious because they can imagine what it would be like to be rich and always wear white jeans with espadrilles. Alexia is providing a service, you see, and it’s showing the people who deal with disgusting bong water what it would be like to be a person who owns a $500,000 parrot with a tongue that’s precisely ¼ inch thick that is specifically designed for doobie-rolling, and what this person would wear to the doctor’s office.
“My son is getting out of school earlier today.” – Adriane
Everyone went to Cristy’s house to enjoy an authentic Cuban lunch cooked by Chef Pepín, but the meal was interrupted when Adriane got a call from her son’s school informing her that no one was there to pick her son up. Adriane told the school that she’d have someone take care of it and she immediately called her boyfriend to see if he could go get the kid. However, Adriane’s boyfriend was at work and he sounded less than enthused that he was going have to leave a meeting to go get the boy (that wasn’t even his and whose braces he had already de-gunked that morning, I’m guessing), when all Adriane was doing was having mojitos and Uncle Ben’s Cuban rice with her girlfriends. After Cristy and Larsa told Adriane that she should throw her boyfriend out of her house because he obviously doesn’t make her bed rock and because he gave her attitude when she asked him to do something, Alexia tried to reinstate practicality in everyone by saying that Adriane’s boyfriend said he’d go get the kid, and so what was the big deal, right? But Larsa said “nope, Fred made Adriane age 10 years in those ten minutes, and he should pay.” Then we got an aside of Alexia saying she sympathized with Adriane’s boyfriend because she’d been in that situation before, and she agreed that the person who’s lunching with her friends should go take care of the family hiccups rather than the person who’s using the Astroglide to keep the comb over looking good and making the money.
“If I’m having a bad day and he’s just being French, then we’re going to have a bad day.” – Adriane
Adriane sat down with her boyfriend and asked him why he had gotten so fucking French on her when she asked him to go get her son at school. He said he wasn’t upset, it was just that his phone was going off so many times and it wasn’t on vibrate so it was making all this noise in the middle of his meeting, and it was stressing him out. Adriane kept asking why he kept “hanging up on [her] face,” and Fred said he didn’t mean to, but that she could always count on him with anything pertaining to her son. Then Adriane went over to Alexia’s house to talk even more about the incident that had already been solved and was as serious as a crayon box not having a sharpener on the backside of it, and Alexia clarified that she understood the entire thing because it’s JUST SO HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD to get to a kid’s school when you don’t have a job, don’t have any nannies, and your diamond rings and 4 coats of Essie’s “Wicked” on your nails are wearing you down. Then they went off about how if they wanted to hire nannies, they could, but don’t because they want their children to feel “lapidated” and loved.
“Joe Francis was a former client of my husband’s. They put him in jail. Joe called me and said, ‘Lea, please help me.’ I said, ‘Joe, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell my husband no more sex until you’re out of jail.’ And you know what? Joe was out within a week and a half.” – Lea
The gala was a complete success, obviously because people like Joe Francis and Rick Ross were there. A lot of former NBA and NFL athletes were there too, as well as Gloria Estefan, Paulina Rubio, Helio Castroneves and Kim Zolciak. So, you know, IT WAS A FIESTA of, I’d say, Plutonian proportions.
All of the housewives in their one-shoulder gowns were there, except for Cristy, who did not purchase a $500 ticket. But then she suddenly showed up with two of her girlfriends (and those bra straps that are clear and are supposed to be invisible but really look like the goo a slug leaves behind when it goes somewhere). Obviously Lea was immediately informed of Cristy’s arrival, but none of the other women were as upset that she was allowed in when she didn’t buy a ticket because they were too busy being upset with their husbands buying $150,000 cars for them that they didn’t want because of the color and the weird way the doors opened (upwards!). At the end of the episode, Lea made one of her staffers promise to invoice the three girls for showing up and for drinking the Grey Goose that was only supposed to be for the broken athletes and inventors of yogurt, or whatever it is people in Miami become billionaires for inventing.
So, under no circumstances would you or I go to Miami, right? I mean why would you, when for only a couple more dollars and maybe being in the vicinity of an irrationally mean seeing-eye dog, you could go to Colorado or Washington? (Which are apparently so beautiful that NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THEM!) So okay, awesome; we’re in agreement that there’s no reason to go to Miami, unless Cirque Du Soleil promises it will no longer travel anywhere and instead, will just cement themselves there. Because think about it – everything Miami has you can get somewhere else. Jacuzzis? You can get those in Hudson, New York. Botox? You can get that shit in Montana. Huge diamonds? NICOLE RICHIE FOR QVC, BITCHES. So honestly, there’s absolutely no reason to go to Miami and since I’ve now proven that using the completely minimal skills I gained from Mr. Chametsky’s logistics class, I’m hereby obsessed with The Real Housewives of Miami. But chances are you’re going to be a bit of a harder sell than I was, so let’s go through last night’s premiere and see if you can get with the program. Literally! HAHAH!
“I think I collect people because the more outrageous or eccentric a person is, the more I gravitate towards them.” – Lea
We first met Lea, who described her hobby as “collecting people,” but from the looks of how she spends her days, she helps people pick out clothes for their children and throwing fundraisers where Dennis Rodman is invited. She lives in a beautiful house with her son who looks older than her husband (who was a lawyer at a trial in the 80s for which she was SEQUESTERED?!?!?!?!?!, and their house is decorated with chandeliers that look like hookahs and Fabergé eggs that open up to allow the glass elephants that they house to breathe. She says her job is to go around making sure the people at parties are having a great time and if they’re not, then she just gets plastered and takes credit for saving the whole thing the next day.
“I’m married to Scottie Pippen. – Larsa”
Larsa's biggest problem is that people speak Spanish to her, even though she doesn’t speak it and only looks Hispanic because her parents are Assyrian and Lebanese. So clearly, this girl is the one to watch out for because she’s ROOTED in some kind of identity vs. self conflict! She credited Miami as fulfilling her fantasy of having a boat in her family’s backyard, but she doesn’t really get to enjoy it because she has trouble finding time to care for her kids, her family’s attorneys and the family’s accounting, all while looking cute and shopping with her friends because Scottie Pippen will only stay with her if her ass is tight and she keeps finding chubby yoga instructors who swear up and down that Scottie Pippen is still an athlete.
“Frederic has known me since the time I was married, but could never act on it.” -Adriana
JAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKPOT! FUCKING BRAVO, YOU GUYS! Excuse me while I get on the phone with 1-800-Flowers and send Andy Cohen MY FUCKING FIRSTBORN! We met Adriana poolside, with her kid and husband who both need haircuts. She talked about how she studied French art in college, but then thought she couldn’t make a living being an art dealer, so then she went to law school, only to realize she missed French art. She’s very confident in her place in Miami, since she’s not outnumbered by blond-haired bitches with blue eyes
“I want to make a toast to the fact that in 2010, I am closing this chapter.” – Christi
Christi explained that she is Cuban-America, so she takes credit for Miami. She also talked about being married for 11 years (even though she is only 29), over which she cared for three children and two step-children. She is now divorced and instead, has a psychic who she seems to have no problem serving alcohol to.
“I mean the world to them, because I mean, they can’t even decide what they’re going to eat unless they ask me.” – Alexia
Alexia told us that everyone calls her the Cuban Barbie, but she doesn’t much care for that because Barbie couldn’t talk, and Alexia is so much more than a doll who never knows where the fuck her fucking shoes are. She also said it was a shame that Barbie couldn’t talk, because nobody could ever figure out if she was actually really smart or actually really dumb, which I guess means that Alexia is thankful for her freedom of speech and that we don't have to work very hard to figure out her intelligence. We met her when she was having lunch with her boys, as she was educating them on what “grass-fed filet mignon” meant.
“I’m anti-plastic surgery until it gets really, really bad.” – Marysol
Marysol is also from Miami, and she owns a public relations firm. She cannot tell the difference between Monday and Friday, and is proud to have run with Madonna and Sylvester Stallone when they were living down there in the eighties. She is divorced, and only gets asked out by younger men, but finally decided to settle down with a younger man named Phillipe, who may or may not have to have her dry cleaning to her before 9 AM every day. Occasionally, Marysol goes over to her mother’s house to see what her mother thinks about her daughter’s life, and I can’t really say anything more about that because IT’S THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THING EVER and I haven’t the slightest idea why it would even OCCUR to anyone to do that, especially when the only indication that your mother is actually a person is the fact that she uses her mouth to drink her red wine.
“We’re not going to be much help.” – Larsa
The last part of the episode was dedicated to a gathering at Lea’s house that revolves around learning to cook while they have some cocktails. But it’s instantaneously clear that these women try to learn to cook about as hard as your roommate tries to shut the fuck up while she watches her yoga videos on a Saturday morning. This poor chef guy, right, is hired under the idea that he’s going to be teaching these women how to cook, and he comes with actual tasks for them to do (like shrimps to de-shit and string beans to cut and toss and whatever), and these women get so hyped up about writing shit like “sex pot” and “sexy chef” and “beauty queen” on their chef hats! It’s the chef’s fault, really.
But then, Adriana launches into this great story about how during hurricane Katrina is hitting Miami (while her husband was in Brazil on a business trip), she gets a phone call. Adriane deems it relevant to describe to the other women the condition of her body after she extricated herself from the shower to answer the phone, and then tells them that the woman calling informed Adriane that she was also married to Adriane’s husband. Larsa took this opportunity to explain to all the women that THAT IS EXACTLY WHY SHE MANAGES ALL OF SCOTTY PIPPEN’S SHIT, AND IT’S SO HE DOESN’T CHEAT ON HER WITHOUT HER FINDING OUT ABOUT IT IN A TEXT MESSAGE THAT THEIR SAVINGS ACCOUNT BALANCE HAS CHANGED.
Yes, this is a show you should watch. Fuck The Wire already.