Hayek Vies For a Rock: Jack Donaghy's rock, to be specific. Salma Hayek will appear on the Jan. 31 series finale of 30 Rock, reprising her Season 3 role as Elisa, a women Jack almost married. Also returning is Julianne Moore as Nancy, who also has quite the scandalous romantic past with Jack. May the best woman win? [EW]
Curing a Hangover With Mixology: The writers behind The Hangover (Jon Lucas and Scott Moore) are mixing up a pilot order for ABC for a high-concept single-camera comedy that follows a group of singles over the course of one night. Mixology takes place in a sexy Manhattan bar while the main characters search for love... or lust, all in one night. [THR]
Trading In His Scalpel For a Badge: Castle's annual February sweeps two-part episode has recruited Dylan Walsh for a huge role. The Nip/Tuck alum will play Agent Harris, an even-keeled FBI investigator who works with Rick and Kate when a murder investigation exposes a plot to kidnap the daughter of a wealthy Middle Eastern businessman. “Our two-parters are always about big tension with personal stakes, so we have a story that we like," showrunner Andrew Marlowe says. "[I'm] not quite ready to advertise what it’s going to be, but we’re excited about it and I think it has some fun twists and turns.” [TVLine]
Cold Justice To Heat Summer 2013: TNT has ordered eight episodes of an unscripted procedural drama from Law & Order boss Dick Wolf. Cold Justice follows Texas prosecutor Kelly Siegler and Yolanda McClary, a crime-scene investigator for the Las Vegas Police Department, as they help local law-enforcement agencies in small towns across the country solve violent crimes that have sat cold because of lack of funding and proper forensic technology. The partners will take on a different case each week, re-examining the evidence and questioning suspects and witnesses to finally solve the dormant cases. Cold Justice is slated for late summer 2013. [The Wrap]
Coach Sue Gets Anger-y: Seems like Coach Sue might take a hiatus from the halls of McKinley High to deal with her anger issues. Jane Lynch may guest-star on Charlie Sheen's FX sitcom Anger Management, the star revealed at Fox's winter TV preview event Tuesday night. "We have Jane Lynch coming on, maybe," Sheen told reporters. Lynch recurred as Dr. Linda Freeman, Sheen's therapist, for nine seasons on Two and a Half Men, earning her an Emmy nomination. No word yet on when she might appear. [TV Guide]
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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
G.I. Joe is a top-secret multi-national special forces unit comprised of highly-trained physically attractive military personnel from around the world. Equipped with the latest in superawesome vehicles and weaponry and guided by the tough but fair General Hawk they take on the baddest of the bad guys the kind of terrorists that scoff at conventional organizations. As the General himself so aptly states “When all else fails we don’t.”
That credo is put to the test however when a shadowy terrorist group armed with even awesomer vehicles and weaponry like crazy-ass laser guns and computer-guided zombie troopers infiltrates the Joes’ compound and makes off with a cache of four WMDs each of which is capable of leveling an entire city. Do the men and women of G.I. Joe have what it takes to defeat these menacing new adversaries before they mount their next devastating attack?
WHO’S IN IT?
It takes an elite group of actors to play an elite group of soldiers and the cast of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is stocked with an abundance of Hollywood’s most talented performers all adorned in various types of leather fetish apparel. White Chicks star Marlon Wayans plays Ripcord a flight specialist who can pilot any type of airplane even enemy crafts that respond only to voice commands uttered in Celtic. Channing Tatum star of Step Up and Step Up 2: The Streets plays his best pal Duke a badass infantryman who knows no fear. Preeminent ginger chick Rachel Nichols showcases her fiery crimson locks as Scarlett a shrewd intel expert whose stoic exterior hides a growing attraction to Ripcord. Barking out the orders as General Hawk is Enemy Mine star Dennis Quaid.
On the side of the bad guys is the Baroness played by Factory Girl star Sienna Miller in a push-up bra dirty librarian glasses and a raven-colored dye job. She’s the point woman for McMullen a shady Scottish weapons magnate played by Christopher Eccleston. But McMullen is no ordinary shady Scottish weapons magnate; he’s covertly amassed a huge terrorist empire headquartered beneath the polar ice caps. It’s there that “The Doctor ” a horribly disfigured mad scientist played by (500) Days of Summer star Joseph Gordon-Levitt concocts all sorts of diabolical new weapons and gadgets to unleash on the innocent.
Oh and there are ninjas too. Good guy Snake Eyes played by Ray Park wears sleek black body armor while the evil Storm Shadow played by Byung-hun Lee runs around in a updated version of Elvis Presley’s classic all-white jumpsuit.
Loaded with scene after scene of high-tech action-movie eye candy G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra assaults the senses with such a relentless barrage of over-the-top stunts eye-popping visual effects and stylized fight sequences that only the most coldly cynical of viewers will be able to resist submitting to its visceral charms.
As with most sugary indulgences the sweet dizzying high is followed almost immediately by a painful crash. Feelings of guilt and shame start to simmer as you kick yourself for yielding to such soulless gluttony. The next morning you awake with a throbbing headache and a heart filled with regret. The following day a doctor informs you that you have adult-onset diabetes. So in a nutshell G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the cinematic equivalent of adult-onset diabetes.
The scene where they have the big fight with all the advanced weapons and a whole bunch of stuff blows up. Oh wait that’s EVERY scene.
For the bulk of his performance Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face is obscured by a bulky breathing apparatus and his voice is altered to sound like the computerized movie trailer's narrator. Which makes one wonder why they bothered to hire a name actor for the role in the first place.