Every week, Hollywood gives us something to whine about, and the week of July 22 was no different. We could make a drinking game out of this week, but that would be too dangerous. Instead, we'll stick to the usual formula: varying levels of alcoholic respite depending on how bothersome the week's issues are. Is your biggest complaint this week a flimsy one? How about a light cocktail to take the edge off? Got a real bone to pick with a celeb or entertainment entity this week? Go ahead, grab a drink that'll put hair on your chest. Here are the week's entertainment stories that are forcing us to seek a bubbly or boozy refuge. And maybe an idea or two about how you should wash them down.
LIGHTEN UP WITH AN HRH COCKTAIL
Kate Middleton and Prince William welcome the Royal Baby and we can't help but wonder if the Seinfeldreferences in his name, George Alexander Louis, are intentional: George Costanza, Jason Alexander, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, anyone?
Bill Magnussen replaces Jake Gyllenhall in Into The Woods. What a shame...we've thought Jakey was a stereotypical shoe-in for musical theatre since Brokeback Mountain.
Kelly Rowland is lost (and then found) at sea. In a moment of weakness, she was overheard arguing with a jellyfish ("I don't think you ready for this, jelly!"), providing new meaning to some of her deepest lyrics.
WASH THIS WEEK DOWN WITH A gLASS OF MOSCATO
Kanye West's new clothing line sells $300 sweatshirts. I ain't sayin' he's a gold digger but...
DJ Khaled proposes to Nicki Minaj in an MTV interview. Even though they aren't even dating, she'll say yes since all he does is win win win no matter what.
Jason Sudeikis leaves Saturday Night Live, and even though his Joe Biden impersonation got us through last year's election, our biggest loss is b-boy Vance's groovy moves — What Up With That?
HIT THE HARDER STUFF WITH a PITCHER OF JUNGLE JUICE
Amanda Bynes is hospitalized for a mental health evaluation after lighting a driveway on fire. Amanda, please: your mom from Moody's Point is too far away to see your flaming S.O.S. signal. Only dancing lobsters and your real parents can save you now.
A Taylor Swift fan contest is canceled when a creepy 39-year-old man wins. Tay knew he was trouble when she saw his age.
Ten former contestants file a racism lawsuit against American Idol. If the case goes to court, the witnesses are required to sing their testimony.
Follow Lauren On Twitter @Lopay92 | Follow Hollywood.Com On Twitter @Hollywood_com
More:Unhappy Hour: Week of July 13Unhappy Hour: Week of June 24Unhappy Hour: Week Of June 17
From Our PartnersBattle of the Bikini Bodies (Celebuzz)Complete Guide to Strippers in Movies and TV (Vh1)
Remember how exciting Valentine’s Day used to be? When you were done decorating your brown paper bag mailboxes with smelly markers, stickers, and glitter in elementary school, you'd spend the day watching Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown and giggling every time your teacher talked about mushy-gushy “love.” Sigh. Life was much better back then.
Now Valentine’s Day is filled with unrealistic expectations and a heart-stopping amounts of pressure. Do you have a date? Have you found the perfect gift? Did you spend a fortune on flowers? Do you have enough bottles of wine to drink your sorrows away? How many calories are in a box of chocolates if you eat the whole thing alone?
Before TV and movies corrupted our view of Feb. 14th — oh yes we’re pointing at you Nicholas Sparks! — our main concern was simply finding the coolest Valentine’s Day cards to pass out with a box of Nerds to all of our classmates. (And, obviously, your crush received two candies.) So to help bring back the nostalgia, Hollywood.com created six exclusive TV valentines for you to give to your friends — and maybe even your crush. (Gasp!) From love letters inspired by Homeland, The Vampire Diaries, and even a special friend from Saturday Night Live, we're got your hilariously heartfelt valentines covered this year! Scroll down and give away!
1. Breaking Bad, Jesse Pinkman:
2. Homeland, Carrie Mathison:
3. Saturday Night Live, Stefon:
4. Mad Men, Megan Draper:
5. The Vampire Diaries, Stefan Salvatore:
Which TV Valentine is your favorite? Drop us a love note in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: Hollywood.com(6)]
From Our Partners:
'SI's 25 Sexiest Swimsuit Covers of All Time (Vh1)
Pregnant Kate Middleton Bikini Pics Spark Palace Anger (Celebuzz)
The first thing you notice about Jonah Hex is the fact that you can make a drinking game out of people saying the words "Jonah Hex." It happens so often I began to believe that this was simply how people used to greet one another in the Old West. You walk into a room: “Jonah Hex!” “Well Jonah Hex to you too buddy!” Take a bottle of whiskey with you into the movie* and take a shot every time someone says his name and you will have an incredible 74 minutes. You might also be dead at the end.
Why does it feel like I’m dedicating half the review to the use of the words "Jonah Hex?" Because half the movie is dedicated to uttering the words "Jonah Hex." Learn to love the sound of it. Josh Brolin sure did.
When our ‘hero’ (and I use that word in the loosest of possible terms) isn’t busy having people remind him of his name he is riding around killing people or being made fun of for his horribly scarred face. But when a villain from his past – and when I say "past " I mean from 10 minutes earlier in the film – turns out not to be as dead as we were led to believe in the opening monologue Hex sets out to get the revenge he really wish he could have gotten 15 minutes earlier. And that’s when the movie beings its plunge into logical implausibility. If you can find a single reason to give a rat's *** about anyone in this movie grip onto it with both hands brother and hold on tight – it’s the only way you’re going to care at all about this film.
It’s not the horse with side-mounted Gatling guns that got me or the silliness of dynamite crossbows; it was just how unlikable everyone was and how it leaned heavily upon cliché to tell a story without understanding how a story like this is supposed to be told. Revenge films are like romantic comedies: They rely entirely on a weak coincidence and delivering a series of emotional money shots that pay off for the audience in a big way. More importantly these money shots must be delivered in a very specific structure that allows people to forgive any thin or contrived story elements. Where a romantic comedy is "Boy Meets Girl Boy Loses Girl Boy gets Girl Back " revenge films are mostly comprised of "Guy Finds Simple Bliss Bad Guy Ruins Simple Bliss in a Cruel Manner Guy Left for Dead Guy Gets Revenge for All He’s Lost." Very simple stuff. Whether it’s Maximus in Gladitor or Eric Draven in The Crow or Charles Rane in Rolling Thunder the structure is the same. The key to a good revenge movie is a likable good guy a reason to care about his life truly despicable bad guys and a perfectly crafted ending for our hero in particular – often involving his death.
Right from the start Jonah Hex drops the ball. We open with him tied up and getting wailed on watching his family get murdered just out of frame and then get left for dead. But we haven’t found anything to care for yet and more importantly he immediately admits to having done everything he’s been accused of. This is revenge to begin with. Sure the movie eventually gets around to trying to explain why he didn’t really deserve it but only after 45 minutes of us pretty much disliking the guy. He’s mean unlikable murderous and his only friend in the world is a prostitute who tells us that she “Don’t play house ” just before begging Jonah to settle down with her. He’s got a great horse and a dog but doesn’t like them enough to have ever given them a name and every time someone finally gets around to killing him magical Native Americans show up to save his bacon AGAIN for no apparent reason other than his wife was Native American.
The only reason to root for Jonah at all is because he’s the protagonist and his antagonist (played comically by John Malkovich) is on a mission to I kid you not destroy America with a semi-magical nation-destroying weapon. Oh yes and we’re told the Mexicans call him “Terrorista.” A Terrorist hellbent on destroying America? In the Old West? You’d be hard pressed to find anyone you wouldn’t root for fighting that guy. This had all the hallmarks of being a WWE movie without the cool logo. If you’re 13 years old and you still believe wrestling is real this might be the movie for you. Otherwise it is an exercise in silliness designed to rob you of $10.
*Hollywood.com accepts no responsibility to cirrhosis of the liver or any sudden death caused by ingestion of alcohol occurring during the course of this game.
Set in the turbulent ‘60s each character in Across the Universe represents a different aspect to the unstable times. There’s naïve Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood) whose eyes are opened to the possibilities of life beyond her WASPy sheltered upbringing; adventurous Jude (Jim Sturgess) who breaks away from his Liverpool working-class roots to make it as an artist in New York; and Lucy’s brother Max (Joe Anderson) a college dropout who eventually gets drafted and sent to Vietnam. There’s also Sadie (Dana Fuchs) a Janis Joplin-esque rock singer; her guitar-playing lover Jo-Jo (Martin Luther McCoy) who hails from the riot-torn streets of Detroit; and even a burgeoning lesbian named Prudence (T.V. Carpio). They are all soon swept up into the '60s' emerging psychedelic anti-war and counterculture movements while Across the Universe lets the songs from one of the era’s most influential bands tell the story. But what drives the film is Jude and Lucy’s love for each other—and all you need is love right? You know you are in for something different when indie darling Evan Rachel Wood (Thirteen) is the most recognizable star. Luckily for Across the Universe the cast of unknowns delivers--and then some. Making his film debut newcomer Sturgess is a particular standout looking very much like one of the Beatles boys in their heyday. His earnest performance as the love-struck Jude immediately hits a chord (pun intended) and he makes breaking out into a Beatles tune seem entirely natural. Wood doesn’t seem as comfortable with the vocals but the actress has a lovely voice--and of course handles Lucy’s emotional ups and downs with aplomb. All the rest of the supporting cast does a wonderful job adding their own unique reinterpretations to the songs (and yes both “Hey Jude” and “Dear Prudence” pop up). The big fun with Across the Universe however are the cameo appearances: Eddie Izzard sings “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” as a surreal circus ringleader; Joe Cocker sings “Come Together” alternating between a pimp bum and hippie; Salma Hayek takes nursing to a new level in a “Happiness Is a Warm Gun” number; and finally U2’s Bono sings “I Am the Walrus” as the Beat poet/counterculturist Dr. Robert. You haven’t experienced life until you've heard Bono sing “Goo goo g'joob.” In any original musical there is always something a little disconcerting when a character just breaks out into song even if it’s Julie Andrews standing on top of a mountain. But as with Moulin Rouge a character singing a song we all recognize--well that’s a little different. And honestly who doesn’t love Beatles music? Still director Julie Taymor (Frida) took a big chance creating a musical around the legacy that is Beatlemania. It must have been a daunting task searching through the annals of Beatles music to find just the right tunes for just the right moment--but her extremely inventive ways truly pay off. From Uncle Sam screaming “I Want You!” from a poster hanging in an Army recruiting office to Max and his college buddies running around campus belting out “With a Little Help from My Friends ” everything fits taking us on this journey of life love and self-enlightenment. Although Taymor’s forte clearly lies with the very wild and artistic most evident in Across the Universe’s psychedelic acid trips she also expertly highlights the stark reality of a turbulent time. Taymor is a romantic at heart though—a romantic who adores the Beatles. John Lennon would be proud.
Sexually frustrated after another night of unrequited lovin’ from his wife Grant Grant (Michael Rooker) heads to the local pub and later stumbles upon Pandora’s Box in the woods when he fiddles with a slug-like creature. Turns out this “thing” has landed from outer space and it spews its venom into his body turning him into a monster on the prowl. At first he only lusts after red meat but soon only human blood will do. Before long he’s “infected” several townsfolk with plans to get everyone but his wife Starla (Elizabeth Banks) has so far eluded him. She joins forces with a brave policeman (Nathan Fillion) his fledgling staff and a foul-mouthed mayor (Gregg Henry) on a mission to cut the zombies off at the source. But she has conflicting interests between the sexual tension she feels for the hunky officer whom she’s known since childhood and her lifelong vow--in health and in sickness--to her mutant hubby. The lack of star power in Slither lends so much to its gleeful B-movie sensibilities yet these actors are far from second-rate. The most deserving of praise might be the casting director for assembling a sublime bunch of misfits. Character actor Rooker perhaps still best known for 1993’s Cliffhanger goes from a lovelorn husband to a warts-and-all monster. Neither an easy nor flattering task he succeeds in blending the funny with the nasty a noteworthy trend accomplished by the entire ensemble. As the woman who literally married a monster Banks’ (The 40 Year-Old Virgin) princess of a young wife is aghast at the thought of aiding the hunt for her “squid-looking” husband. She allows that notion to play out as funnily as it sounds while maintaining her southern-belle beauty. And Fillion (Serenity) serves up the classic “hero” character with a twist: humiliation along the way to try and save the er night. He does humiliation well. While it might not feel quite right in proclaiming this Slither is actually a true achievement in filmmaking from writer-director James Gunn. He blends the disparate comedy and horror elements very succinctly even when such a dangerous mixture is always at risk of being too campy. Seamlessly transitioning from one element to the next is hard enough with today’s audiences just dying to nit-pick and laugh at awkwardness. But Slither's comedy is amazingly laugh-out-loud sardonic and straightforward while the horror is startlingly gory intense--and scream-out-loud. The director also uses just the right amount of technology to place Slither somewhere between a hypothetical ‘80s B-movie and say War of the Worlds and by refusing to take itself seriously--even in the most grisly of scenes--Slither is effectively rendered un-spoofable. In other words Gunn makes this horror-com his own.
For a few years in the '60s and '70s producer Gerry Anderson made "supermarionation" all the rage in the world of British children's television. His stop-motion puppets starred in a number of sci-fi adventure series most memorably Thunderbirds which followed the exploits of International Rescue -- a team comprised of ex-astronaut Jeff Tracy and his sons. Based out of their secret fortress on Treasure Island the Tracys (aided by lovely secret agent Lady Penelope) used their amazing rocket-powered vehicles to prevent disasters and save lives around the world. Now 40 years after Thunderbirds' TV debut Star Trek vet Jonathan Frakes has brought Anderson's characters to life on the big screen. Front and center is youngest son Alan Tracy (Brady Corbet) who dreams of the day he too can pilot one of his family's fab ships and lead missions. But first he has to prove himself to his father Jeff (Bill Paxton). That opportunity comes sooner than either expects when mysterious villain The Hood (Ben Kingsley) strands Jeff and the older Tracy boys in space and attacks Treasure Island. With only his friends Tintin (Vanessa Anne Hudgens) and Fermat (Soren Fulton) to help him Alan has to grow up quickly if he wants to save his family ... and the world!
It would be easy to mock several of the performances in Thunderbirds-- to chide Paxton for his earnest seriousness as Tracy patriarch Jeff to dismiss Corbet's angst-tinged eagerness as Alan to roll your eyes at Kingsley's over-the-top mystical fierceness as The Hood and to wince at Fulton and Anthony Edwards' nerdy stuttering as science whizzes Fermat and his dad Brains. But actors are only as good as their script and the one Frakes has given his cast (courtesy of screenwriters William Osborne and Michael McCullers) is weak and clichéd at best filled with after-school-special-worthy lessons for Alan to learn. "You can't save everyone " Jeff tells his son somberly and even Tintin has a moral for her crush when he's feeling selfish and indulging in self-pity: "This is hard on all of us Alan." Talk about insight! What makes it even more frustrating is knowing that the actors are capable of much more even the kids: Both Corbet and Hudgens did well with supporting roles in Thirteen. Thunderbirds' only real bright spot is Sophia Myles as Lady Penelope. A cross between Reese Witherspoon's Elle in Legally Blonde and Jennifer Garner's Sydney on Alias Myles' Lady P doesn't let her pink couture wardrobe prevent her from coolly kicking ass when the situation demands it. Attended by her droll driver/man-of-all-trades Parker (Ron Cook) Lady Penelope is a fresh feisty heroine with all of the film's best lines -- and the coolest car to boot.
Frakes cut his directorial teeth on episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and his first feature film was Star Trek: First Contact so he would seem like a natural choice to bring a cult sci-fi TV show to the big screen. Unfortunately while he does an admirable job re-creating (and improving on) the original Thunderbirds' mod sets cool ships and special effects (which are fine if a bit more TV-sized than summer blockbustery) Frakes can't seem to decide who his audience is. If he was aiming at grown-ups who remember the show fondly from their own childhood he should have embraced the source material's campiness (à la Starsky and Hutch) rather than restricting it to the Tracys' plastic Barbie-like furniture and Lady P's bouffant hairdo. If on the other hand Frakes was hoping to entertain today's kids he should have really reinvented the show for a 21st-century world (à la Stephen Hopkins'1998 Lost in Space) rather than clinging to the '60s references As it is he's stuck somewhere in the middle leaving adults bored during the kids-on-an-adventure bits and children mystified by the handful of jokes aimed at their parents.
Ryan (Freddie Prinze Jr.) and Jennifer (Claire Forlani) first met on a plane when they were 12. He’s terrified of planes she promptly tells him about her first period so it’s granted that they don’t exactly click. Fast-forward to high school where they bump into each other again. Now he’s the school mascot she’s the homecoming queen. No sparks. Fast forward to college where he’s the geeky engineering major (yes you read correctly) and she’s the free-spirited rocker-dating Latin student. Finally here they become friends help each other with their love issues and despite their opposing viewpoints … well take a guess.
Prinze the BMOC in "She’s All That " is supposed to be an anal-retentive doofus. And while the pageboy cut (split down the middle) and glasses do little to mask his good looks he plays against type surprisingly well doing his best to rise above the cliché-filled script. Forlani who was calm and luminous in the sluggish "Meet Joe Black " still has "proper British upbringing" written all over her so she’s not really believable as an outrageous one-night-stander (she also looks too old for Prinze). Heather Donahue (showing a promising comedy career post-"Blair Witch") and Amanda Detmer make a great supporting cast but the show is stolen by an underused Jason Biggs. As Ryan’s woman-chasing roommate Biggs also gets the single funniest scene in the film which you’ll miss if you walk about before the credits roll.
"She’s All That" director Robert Iscove is back and using the same traits again. First we have the you-are-there flashback narration ("So I was watching him play with his band " a character might reflect in her dorm room and suddenly she’s sitting at the concert still in her pajamas). Then there’s the choreographed dance number. Disguised as a scene to show Ryan trying to loosen up at a "foam club" (like a car wash soapy water douses the dancers) it’s really an excuse to show off Iscove’s choreography background by having all patrons wiggle simultaneously to Apollo Four Forty’s "Stop the Rock." It’s cute and all but the biggest faux pas Iscove makes is having Ryan and Jennifer take a "walk" from Berkeley … and miraculously wind up at the Golden Gate bridge.