Oscar Parties 2013: What (We Wish) Our Favorite Celebs Were Really Saying

1
Helena Bonham Carter Is Not Listening to You, Michael Douglas
Helena Bonham Carter Is <em>Not Listening to You, </em> Michael Douglas
Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage

“Not the Romancing the Stone story AGAIN!”

{Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage}

2
Rashida Jones Is Having A Grand Ol' Time With Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler
Rashida Jones Is Having <em>A Grand Ol' Time</em> With Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler
Larry Busacca/VF13/WireImage

“This is way better than the Emmys! Nobody knows how drunk we are!” - Rashida

“Really? I wouldn't be so sure about that.” -Seth

{Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/WireImage}

3
Jim Carrey's Feet Are Killing Him
Jim Carrey's Feet Are <em>Killing Him</em>
Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard

"I am never wearing Louboutins again." -Jim

{Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard}

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4
Heidi Klum and Naomi Campbell Vie For Attention
Heidi Klum and Naomi Campbell <em>Vie For Attention</em>
Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for EJAF

"Trust me, darling. This worked wonders that time Madonna kissed Britney!" -Heidi

{Photo Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for EJAF}

5
Miley Cyrus and Kelly Osbourne Are Like, Totally Elton John's Angels
Miley Cyrus and Kelly Osbourne <em>Are Like, Totally</em> Elton John's Angels
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF

“Like, Ohmigod. I’m like at an Oscar party, and I’m like kissing Elton John on the cheek and stuff like that. And he’s like super famous, and like ‘Crocodile Rock’ is my favorite song, and like, Kelly and I are angels ...” -Miley’s never-ending inner monologue

{Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF}

6
Kourtney Kardashian's Got Cleavage Envy
Kourtney Kardashian's Got <em>Cleavage Envy</em>
Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard

“This is the last time I let Kim convince me that 'less is more.’” -Kourtney

{Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard}

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7
Nicki Minaj Is Worried About Jane Lynch
Nicki Minaj <em>Is Worried</em> About Jane Lynch
Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard

“You’re STILL on Glee? You poor thing! What dirt does Ryan Murphy have on you?” -Nicki

{Photo Credit: Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for Chopard}

8
Elton John Can't Really Be This Stoked About Chris Brown
Elton John Can't <em>Really</em> Be This Stoked About Chris Brown
Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF

“Keep smiling, Elton. Just keep smiling. But later tonight, I’m going to kill whoever let this buffoon into my party.” -Elton's inner monologue

{Photo Credit: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images for EJAF}

9
Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom Photobombed by Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom <em>Photobombed</em> by Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic

“Oh God, honey. He’s behind us, isn’t he?!” -Miranda

{Photo Credit: Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic}

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10
Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied Are Here for a Dance-Off
Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied Are Here for a <em>Dance-Off</em>
Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair

“Where are Channing and Charlize? We’ll show them who the real dancers are.” -Natalie

{Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair}

11
Uh oh. Bono is giving Judd Apatow ideas...
<em>Uh oh.</em> Bono is giving Judd Apatow ideas...
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“OMG, I'M MEETING BONO. This is going to be some great material for my next three-hour rom-com, This is 50.” -Judd

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

12
Hilary Swank Hides From Sally Field
Hilary Swank <em>Hides</em> From Sally Field
Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage

“Please don’t tell Sally Field I copied her dress! I just like her, I really like her!”

{Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage}

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13
Halle Berry Is Not Having It With Richard Gere's Hand on her Waist
Halle Berry Is <em>Not Having It</em> With Richard Gere's Hand on her Waist
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Richard, as soon as this camera is gone, you better move that hand or I will rip it off.” -Halle

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

14
Salma Hayek Thinks Orlando Bloom Just Doesn't Get It
Salma Hayek Thinks Orlando Bloom Just <em>Doesn't Get It</em>
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, Argo was good, but did you even SEE Beasts of the Southern Wild?" -Salma

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

15
Elton's Got Sympathy Smiles For Britney
Elton's Got <em>Sympathy Smiles</em> For Britney
Michael Kovac/Getty Images for EJAF

“Yes, darling. Smile big because this may be the last time you’re relevant enough to come to an Oscars bash.” -Elton's inner monologue

{Photo Credit: Michael Kovac/Getty Images for EJAF}

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16
Barbra Streisand Knows How Excited You are, Adele and Shirley Bassey
Barbra Streisand Knows <em>How Excited</em> You are, Adele and Shirley Bassey
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

“I know, ladies. I can’t believe it’s me either.” -Babs

{Photo Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images}

17
Reese Witherspoon Tries to Impress Isla Fisher
Reese Witherspoon Tries to <em>Impress</em> Isla Fisher
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Wait, wait. Let me do my Borat impression for you...” -Reese

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

18
Justin Theroux Is in the Dog House with Jennifer Anistson
Justin Theroux Is in the <em>Dog House</em> with Jennifer Anistson
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Justin, if you touch my stomach one more time, I will clock you. I really don’t have the patience for any pregnancy rumors tomorrow.” - Jen

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

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19
Amy Poehler Gets in Some Presidential Girl Talk with Sally Field
Amy Poehler Gets in Some <em>Presidential Girl Talk</em> with Sally Field
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“But really, was it awesome to make out with President Lincoln?” -Amy

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

20
Elizabeth Banks Invades Jesse Tyler Ferguson's Personal Space
Elizabeth Banks <em>Invades</em> Jesse Tyler Ferguson's Personal Space
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Oh, Sweetie. I haven’t had nearly enough champagne for that.” -Jesse

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

21
Jennifer Lawrence Is Not Impressed
Jennifer Lawrence <em>Is Not Impressed</em>
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Laugh it up, guys. I fell once, but who’s the 22-year-old holding an Oscar?” -Jennifer

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

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22
Dave Grohl is Enraged
Dave Grohl is <em>Enraged</em>
Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage

“This is what I think of Emmanuelle Riva’s snub.” - Dave

{Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage}

23
Gerard Butler Is Making Memories
Gerard Butler Is <em>Making Memories</em>
Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair

“Two words: Spank. Bank.” -Gerard's inner monologue

{Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair}

24
At Least Michael Douglas Loved Catherine Zeta-Jones's 'Chicago' Tribute
At Least Michael Douglas <em>Loved</em> Catherine Zeta-Jones's 'Chicago' Tribute
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Yes, darling, of course you’re a better singer than Anne Hathaway.” -Michael

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

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25
Jennifer Garner Wants Molly Sims To Back Off
Jennifer Garner Wants Molly Sims To <em>Back Off</em>
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“I get it. You think my husband’s adorable. I’m just going to remind you about the two lovely daughters we have together one last time.” -Jennifer

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

26
Seth Rogen Has Advice for Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Seth Rogen Has <em>Advice</em> for Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage

“Watch this, dude. If we open our eyes REALLY wide, no one will be able to tell how drunk we are.” -Seth

{Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage}

27
Christoph Waltz Is Worried About Sarah Silverman
Christoph Waltz Is <em>Worried</em> About Sarah Silverman
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“No, seriously. Who is this Catholic schoolgirl who keeps touching me?” -Christoph

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

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28
Sandra Bullock Seeks Comfort From Valentino Garavani
Sandra Bullock Seeks <em>Comfort</em> From Valentino Garavani
Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage

“Oh God. Do you think they already turned me into a GIF?!” -Sandra

{Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/VF13/WireImage}

29
Anne Hathaway Isn't That Bad, She Swears!
Anne Hathaway <em>Isn't That Bad</em>, She Swears!
Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair

“See? I’m fun! Guys? Guys? LOVE ME!” -Anne

{Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/VF13/Getty Images for Vanity Fair}

30
Daniel Radcliffe Strikes Out With Samantha Barks
Daniel Radcliffe <em>Strikes Out</em> With Samantha Barks
Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage

“God damnit. Now there’s photo evidence of me crashing and burning with Samantha Barks.” -Daniel

{Photo Credit: Jeff Vespa/VF13/WireImage}

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