I long ago gave up hand-wringing about Hollywood’s preoccupation with remakes. Still the trailers for Harald Zwart’s remake of The Karate Kid the 1984 underdog classic that introduced such priceless phrases as “Wax on wax off” and “Sweep the leg!” into the pop-culture lexicon set me ill at ease. To me the film seemed little more than a high-profile vanity project for child star Jaden Smith son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett who for all we know gave him the movie as a Christmas gift a $40 million stocking-stuffer. Pillage my childhood memories if you must Hollywood but damnit at least show a little respect for the source material.
Much has changed in the update: Daniel Larusso is now Dre Parker; California’s San Fernando Valley is now Beijing China; Mr. Miyagi is now Mr. Han; and karate is now kung fu. Most of the story beats and thematic elements however are essentially the same. After his single mother (Taraji P. Henson) gets a job transfer 12-year-old Dre (Smith) is forced to move from his native Detroit to the unfamiliar climes of Beijing where he’s besieged by a local group of pubescent fascists after being caught innocently flirting with a pretty schoolmate.
Dre’s tormentors all of whom practice a peculiarly sadistic version of kung fu taught at the neighborhood martial arts academy adhere vigorously to the “No weakness no pain no mercy” credo of their autocratic master. As such they’re not about to let their puny prey off with just one humiliating beatdown. During a subsequent ass-whooping Mr. Han (Jackie Chan) the eccentric maintenance man from Dre’s apartment building comes to the rescue fending off the ruthless urchins with some pretty fancy fighting moves of his own. After some cajoling Mr. Han reluctantly agrees to teach the child kung fu and several life lessons and inspirational montages later a resurgent Dre finally faces up to his adversaries at a climactic kung fu tournament.
The case for nepotism in this new Karate Kid is not without merit. Though allegedly 11 years old Smith doesn’t look a day over 10 and appears jarringly undersized for a 12-year-old. Seeing the baby-faced lad (he definitely takes after his mom in the looks department) get repeatedly brutalized by adolescent thugs twice his size gets uncomfortable as do later scenes of him training shirtless his torso the size of Chan’s forearm.
But it’s a minor quibble. In truth Smith surpasses his predecessor Macchio in both acting ability and martial arts proficiency. Whereas Daniel-San’s fighting scenes in the original Karate Kid require a suspension of disbelief that diminishes his eventual triumph at the All-Valley Karate Championships (Even as a kid I always suspected that the Cobra Kai kids were either sandbagging it or their sensai was the worst in-game coach since Jim Tressel) Smith’s moves are both more authentic and more athletic. Moreover he has the good sense not to collapse hysterically into a wailing heap at the slightest touch from an opponent as Macchio so famously did.
The Karate Kid is every bit an unabashed crowd-pleaser -- which isn’t necessarily such a bad thing in a summer movie season that has thus far given audiences precious little to cheer for. At two-and-a-half hours it takes far too long to get going and would have benefited from a more assured hand behind the camera. Zwart’s overemphasis on the bullying and fish-out-of-water elements becomes redundant and the dialogue and culture-clash jokes border on embarrassing at times. But the meat of the story the bond that forms between an unlikely kung fu teacher and his equally unlikely student is undeniably affecting.
WHAT IT'S ABOUT?
The Americanization of Anime. This long-awaited (and long-on-the-shelf) live-action rendition of the popular Japanese graphic novel series by Akira Toriyama is a spectacularly silly laugh-out-loud abomination that begs borrows and steals from a wide variety of sci-fi and fantasy predecessors in telling the “epic” (ha!) story of Goku (Justin Chatwin) a young warrior destined to do battle with the forces of evil in pursuit of seven mystical “Dragon Balls” that entitle the bearer to absolute superiority over the universe. Or something like that. It really doesn’t matter although all the talk about the power of the “Dragon Balls” does yield some hearty laughs — for all the wrong reasons.
WHO'S IN IT?
A lot of actors who probably wish they weren’t. Chief among them is Chow Yun-Fat continuing his unlucky streak in American films. Wearing a perennial smile and a loud Hawaiian shirt he acts as the de-facto mentor for our hero dispensing words of wisdom (in some universe undoubtedly) and occasionally executing some fancy martial-arts moves. Even for Chow’s most ardent admirers it’s not enough. Emmy Rossum (who perhaps should have known better) and Jamie Chung provide some eye candy alongside Chatwin as fellow female warriors while a green-skinned James Marsters growls and snarls as the film’s resident villain the megalomaniacal Piccolo (now there’s a name that’s sure to make audiences shudder). Ernie Hudson’s in it too — and even manages to hold onto his dignity. This is not a film that many if any of the participants are going to be touting on their resumes anytime soon — if at all.
Extremely little. To its (dis)credit Dragonball Evolution does murder time. You’ll never get those 90 minutes back again. If it comes down to seeing this or seeing your dentist keep the latter appointment.
Where to begin? The script … the acting … the direction … the editing. Several scenes have been cut with such frenzied abandon that it’s nearly impossible to ascertain precisely what’s going on. Fans of the original Dragonball series may have a head start — and this rendition may well disappoint or infuriate them — but neophytes and newcomers will have a hard time determining precisely what’s going on. Not that it matters much. Even by the campiest of comic-books standards this is a shoddy effort. The brief running time (under 90 minutes) is a dead giveaway that the studio’s shears were put to work and the timing of its release by Fox indicates that the studio was perhaps trying to make some quick pre-summer coin in advance of Wolverine especially given Chatwin’s Wolv-like coif.
LINES TO REMEMBER:
“The first rule is: There are no rules.”
“Somebody stole my Prometheum Orb.”
“Prepare to eat dirt.”
“Teach me how to be normal.”
“The Dragon Balls are in my grasp!”
LINES TO FORGET:
IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO ...
Make a movie with “ball” or “balls” in the title — especially if it’s a bad movie.
If you absolutely have to see this movie see it with friends. And please make one of them the designated driver.