Everyone is up in arms over whether Porsha Stewart or Kenya Moore should leave Real Housewives of Atlanta after the fight last episode. However, maybe it’s NeNe Leakes who should leave. She has burned her final bridge by declaring war on her last remaining ally, Cynthia Bailey. She has had a sourpuss look on her face the entire reunion. Andy Cohen, please just make NeNe a producer. She tries to control the show most of the time anyway and knows good TV. Clearly, she’s tired of going through the motions, too. The toxicity of this reunion is starting to mirror the infamous Real Housewives of New York City reunion where Jill Zarin was fired. It’s also clear NeNe is trying to control the story because whenever Kenya speaks she, Kandi Burruss, and Phaedra Parks turn their heads away like a busted version of The Supremes.
Kenya vs. NeNe and The Supremes
Kenya seems to do the impossible. She breaks the fourth wall by acknowledging she is just “having a little fun.” It’s true it’s fun when the housewives are in on the drama. She also has dropped the drama-mongering pretense and provides thoughtful, cogent, comments during the rest of the show. Sure, she’s an instigator and she talks a lot of smack…but, no shade, so does Andy Cohen. NeNe and Phaedra accuse Kenya of instigating Porsha, which she did. However, this is a national television show and it should never escalate to actual physical blows...only verbal ones. Both Kenya and Cynthia agree and seem heartfelt and genuine.
Meanwhile, NeNe is throwing side-eyes and looks like someone just told her The New Normal was canceled. It’s sad because the reality of this show is starting to take a farcical turn. NeNe is beginning to join the ranks of Teresa Giudice and Jill Zarin by getting so full of herself she’s alienating viewers and giving the show too much negativity. NeNe also has the nerve to say she agrees there shouldn’t be violence but no one should put their finger in her face. Wasn’t she the one who attacked Kim Zolciak, one season, and Dwight Eubanks, another? Isn’t she the first one to get into people’s faces? She denies that she makes phone calls about the show but in her one-on-one with Andy references conversations she’s had with the ladies off-camera.
Winner: Kenya. She can be a pain and was annoying Porsha but nothing warrants violence. NeNe is very hypocritical and clearly trying to control the tone of the show.
Momma Joyce vs. The Bottle?
Kandi’s mother, known affectionately as Momma Joyce, spends most of her time making digs at Todd Tucker. She flaunts her weight loss but blames it on stress. She dodges a lot of Andy’s questions with nonsensical but humorous responses. She brags about all the diamonds she has but says she doesn’t have to work. She says she doesn’t rely financially on Kandi which brings Kandi to tears because clearly Joyce uses guilt to get her way with her daughter.
Loser: Kandi. There is no winner. Momma Joyce is a funny part of the show but at the expense of her daughter’s credibility, personal life, and good name.
NeNe vs. Cynthia
NeNe was downright indignant all season. She was as verbally abusive to Cynthia, as Cynthia’s husband, Peter Thomas. Cynthia bursts into tears over the fact that NeNe never seemed to respect her or their friendship. Sadly, given Cynthia’s financial troubles, she needs her role on the show. It seems like she plays nice because she doesn’t want to get fired. Meanwhile, NeNe seems to think she’s the Queen of the show but she is so disengaged in the reunion. She even goes so far as to mention Kenya is the lowest paid housewife but talks the most. Meanwhile, NeNe has now officially fought with everyone on the show. She also has had a falling out with everyone she’s claimed to be her friend. This seems to have become NeNe clocking random women…she should just get her own version of American Gladiators.
Winner: Cynthia. She may be boring and her husband may be verbally abusive. But, NeNe did disrespect her and has become a toxic element to the show. Cynthia seems very sympathetic and genuinely emotional. Kenya made a valid point that NeNe tosses her friends away when they misbehave.
The Real Houselines of the Reunion
"We fight with our words and I am the best at it." – Kenya
"Is this the color purple? All my life I had to fight." – Kandi throwing shade at Kenya
"We’re on television. We represent a certain culture, a certain race, and we’re women. We should all stick together about violence against women. Whether it’s women on women or men on women. That’s something that should never divide us." – Kenya being insightful
"I am not Porsha, I am not going back and forth with you. I am very smart and I am very sane." – NeNe’s veiled insult to Porsha
"I was one of the smartest girls in my class and I didn’t even really hang around people she would have really known." – Phaedra’s veiled insult to NeNe
"It’s been a long time but I can still wrap up a good wig." – Momma Joyce
"Would she really raise her daughter to be a millionaire, like I raised my daughter and then let her daughter find a hundredaire and he marry her? Then, give me a ring, okay." – Momma Joyce
"I’ve seen so many, you know, of her friends come and go. And I feel like at the end of the day there is a sisterhood there there’s a love there but I’ve never felt like the respect was there." – Cynthia winning the argument
"So why am I on this couch discussing my friendship with Cynthia with you guys like you give a s**t?" – NeNe forgetting she’s on reality TV
"I think when people stand up to you that are considered to be a friend that’s when you turn on them because you want to shut them down." – Kenya
In this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City, the ladies head to the Hamptons to celebrate Sonja Morgan’s cabaret burlesque poetry slam. When did doing improvised poetry in lingerie become an art form? More importantly, when did Sonja become J.P. Craigslist? She "hires" an entire free labor squad of teenagers. Hopefully they are film students and can document her madness in Grey Gardens II: The Wrath of Cans.
Aviva Drescher is fighting with Carole Radziwill over whose book is most worthy of the bargain bin. Heather Thomson will remind anyone who will listen that she used to work for P. Diddy. Meanwhile, this season’s editors are the shadiest in Housewife history. Exiled housewife LuAnn "Desperate for Cash" Lesseps keeps getting called a drag queen within tongue-in-cheek edits. And Ramona Singer, a.k.a. Eye-lander the Last Original Wife, is in Africa delivering Pinto Grigio to starving children.
The ladies go to a barbeque at LuAnn’s house. It’s nice of them to keep her on the show since she lost her Jitney bus pass in her divorce and is hardly in the city. Aviva’s “friend” and “image consultant,” Amanda Sanders, tags along. Is she yet another woman Harry Dubin has slept with? Why is she there? She mentions decking Heather, and Heather gets into her face (let's applaud her for that). She’s prepping for the release of her rap album under the name DJ Heather Tho. Her first single “Shove It In Yo Spanx” features lyrics like the following...
I’m chillin in the city and I’m Heather ThoMy Yummy Yummy Spanx will fix your camel toe. Holla!
Sadly, this is not the case...
Heather wants Amanda out, but the drunk girl insists on being inserted into Aviva and Carole’s quiet discussion. Doesn’t she realize their conversation is so boring that the camera crew has submitted to filming LuAnn serve cake? Plus, let’s face it: Bookgate is a little ridiculous. Even though Carole probably had some significant help in writing her book, she was highly condescending to Aviva. On the other hand, Aviva came out of left field with her book deal and was doling out hearsay on reality television. Even if Carole’s books are copies of Fifty Shades of Grey with her name written on them in crayon, it’s a capital crime in reality TV to air out dirty laundry on television... at least without saying "allegedly" a lot.
Things get weird fast. A drunk Sonja is dancing around the table and claims to have peed. Her poor interns sit there knowing they’ll have to clean her. Meanwhile, a conversation between Heather and Aviva escalates as Aviva’s mild-mannered husband Reid randomly chimes in. Correction: yells in. NeNe Leakes may want to talk to him about entering women’s business. Apparently, he was witness to “multiple sources” talking about Carole’s book. He also said she was fat and had no friends and shops at Ross Dress for Less, so he may not be reliable. Aviva, Reid, and Amanda yell at Heather until she decides to ride dirty, delivering a cuss-filled tirade to Aviva. The entire cast treats Heather like some sort of gangster; she worked for Diddy and Beyonce’s luxury clothing line, but they are acting like she shot Tupac. (Racism, anyone?) LuAnn asks everyone to leave because she has a lot of not-starring-on-the-show to do in the morning.
Aviva Drescher’s Passive-Aggressive Book Tour
Aviva goes to brunch at Sonja’s to recap the fight. Sonja loses a tooth, and possibly her mind. The two get a facial together, then she takes her children to a craft shop to be taken care of by a random woman while she and her husband have a conversation. Becky, the friend who cost Aviva her leg, emails her, probably to discuss the paperwork she had to sign to be discussed in Aviva’s book. Aviva wants to pour salt on a 34-year-old wound by making this poor woman relieve this traumatic event. Aviva swears she doesn’t hold a grudge but makes sure lay the guilt on thick. Either Aviva’s expensive therapy is paying off or she has been drying her tears with her book advance check because she seems thrilled to discuss the events of that day. Meanwhile, her poor friend has to relive these memories on national TV.
The Mermaid Sisterhood and Crabs
Carole is being honored as the Queen of Coney Island’s Mermaid Parade, and don’t you forget it. All the ladies get ready for the parade but J.P. Craigslist strikes again. She has a random designer (a.k.a. student) arrive to help her make a homespun costume. The ladies show up including Kristen Taekman. Taekman is awesome and honestly feels like the new Bethenny because she is just a snarky witness to the madness. The ladies decide to ride with drag queens, and the LuAnn jokes keep coming. Finally, to prove she is above the whole Bookgate drama, Carole reads a poem. It’s a poem she wrote... because she is a writer... and a better one than Aviva is. The ladies read the poem and Carole declares them part of the Mermaid Sisterhood. Would this be of the traveling pants variety?
They all say goodbye as LuAnn excuses herself to swim back to The Hamptons.
The Real House-lines of NYC
"Deck me, big bad girl. Bring it!" – More of Heather’s freestyling lyrics
"She loud, she obnoxious, she got opinions about everybody. She’s drunk. She’s sloppy. So take your sloppy ass on home." – Even more of Heather’s lyrics
"I just peed my panties and I don’t have any on!" – Mother of the Year: Sonja
"You are full of empty bulls**t. Nobody likes you. Nobody wants to be around you. Don’t tell me anything, mother f**ker. Don’t mother f**kin' tell me nothin’." – Heather keeping it real
"I’ve been going to the Hamptons for a long time, and I have never heard anybody say that at a party." – Kristen proving she’s the new Bethenny
"If anyone’s going to understand losing a body part, it’s Aviva." – Sonja
"Think abundance, have abundance. Oh my god, I got to hide the vibrator." – Sonja’s morning prayer
Kenya Moore chose scenic Mexico in the hopes of declaring a détente amongst the ladies... or to stir up more drama. Ether way, this trip is becoming one huge burrito of trouble filled with meaty fights and cheesy lines. It seems like the cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta is primed to oblige, but the combatants are not who you expect.
As much as Kenya would have you believe that she is clearing the air with Apollo Nida, she is definitely crossing the line. Their flirtation seems pretty obvious. Kenya’s relationship with Phaedra Parks is amusingly hostile at best. Phaedra shows up but rather than make a fool of herself by starting trouble she leaves the situation (progress!) Phaedra just might be the smartest housewife of them all. She knows her appeal is her hilarious soundbites and bizarre life choices.
Porsha Stewart and NeNe Leakes deserve a medal for hypocrisy. They are quick to run up to Apollo and tell him that he shouldn’t have been talking to Kenya. But aren’t they both talking to a man when his wife isn’t present? Aren’t they both getting involved in someone else’s marriage? Apollo tries to make peace with Phaedra’s angry battle form, Bulbasaur #Pokemonreference, with mixed metaphors, bad impersonations, and a flower ripped off a tree. But it seems like their soon-to-be-swan song can’t be avoided with misguided romantic gestures.
The coup de grace of Apollo’s failed efforts to get Phaedra’s forgiveness is an early birthday party. Is this a pre-divorce shower? He gives her a piñata filled with condoms. It is nice to see everyone actually having fun on vacation. Although, Kandi Burruss is continuously making hilariously uncomfortable faces. The group also does vacation things. Kenya, NeNe and Cynthia Bailey bond by having a twerk contest in the pool. Oh those tender moments before everything turns to madness.
Kenya has something special planned for the last night of the trip. She decides to rehash NeNe’s Pajama Drama Jam. To quote Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, Kenya, “You in danger, girl!” This isn’t going to end well. But the fighters in this Andy Cohen video game Marital Kombat are vastly different than you’d expect. Like NeNe’s party, Kenya has provided some sexually suggestive and anger inspiring questions set to start trouble.
Porsha gets asked how she likes sex and drops the word “old.” NeNe is asked who annoys her the most and she says Porsha because of her ignorance. Not her ignorance about the Underground Railroad but her description of the sex lives of “old people.” Then she brings Kandi in the fray for asking if NeNe still gets her period. Todd Tucker brings a cogent and diplomatic response to NeNe’s attention and she rebuffs him. It seems pretty clear that when NeNe wants to have a fight she will have one and attack indiscriminately. However, she uses “better judgment” and “being real” as arguments when she really is managing her persona and her storyline. She also seems to be coaching people on certain things... like hating Marlo Hampton and insulting Peter Thomas.
Kenya dismisses the men and things get heated. She confronts Phaedra who confesses that she has no interest in friendship and scolds Kenya for the umpteenth time. Meanwhile, Peter and Gregg Leakes get into a fight over things Peter said to NeNe in another episode. That quickly spirals out of control. We get it, Peter gets involved with the drama. But that’s because everyone involved knows Cynthia is a snooze. A dynamic, stunningly beautiful snooze who brings nothing particularly dramatic to the show. Either way, the episode ends with NeNe calling Peter a b**ch. It was a slap heard all around the world. Teresa Giudice heard it in her lawyer’s office. Aviva Drescher heard at her favorite place to get a three-legged manicure. And finally, everyone in Mexico heard it and that is the basis for the next episode. Looks like that burrito of trouble comes with sides.
Best Lines of the Night
"Once again this old wilted up hoe Kenya Poor-Whore is trying to refresh this mess with Apollo. She is like Black Single Female. I wish she could find a shaman who could magically invent her a man and a life." – Phaedra
"Kenya and Apollo have Angelina and Brad’s chemistry. And last night it really showed, then out of the blue comes Jennifer Aniston." – Miss Lawrence
"Peter, if you’re going to stick your nose into our business you need to have a pair of breasts. And since you don’t you need to stay out of our business." – Kenya
"It’s been years since you’ve been putting your panties in people’s faces. Nobody cares about what’s goes on in them." – Kandi on NeNe’s life chocies
"Yes, Phaedra! You definitely have your fighting nails on and you are scratching that heifer in her face. But watch out for those contacts." – Porsha
"It’s not often I try to do something nice for you because you’re so mean all the time. We’re going to have a good night tonight." – Apollo at his most honest
"I don’t have to sweeten my delivery to please Todd. I mean, who is Todd?" – NeNe being mature and above it all