It was a little-noticed item in last week's news: Charlie Sheen and gal pal Denise Richards are now officially betrothed to be married.
What?!??!? This is momentous news! Bad-boy Charlie is giving in to domesticity, again!
(Memo to Charlie: I'd gladly suck up to you for the privilege of attending your bachelor party. Heck, at least let me secure the pay-per-view rights to this shindig--it should definitely be broadcast to the paying masses!)
Sheen may have fooled the public into thinking that he's an upstanding citizen with that Spin City gig, but he hasn't fooled me. And though last year he put his "ultimate bachelor pad" in Malibu--with its poker room, cigar room, billiards room and batting cage--up for sale, I'm not buying into his good-guy routine.
Sheen is still my idea of what a celebrity should be in the naughty '00s--a giant, gaping derriere in human clothing.
You remember that Sheen came into prominence in '96 with the revelation that he had spent more than $53,000 on Heidi Fleiss' prostitutes in a two-year period. That was followed shortly by the news that Charlie boy was getting married!
"She's an angel sent from heaven to take me through the rest of my journey," Charlie said, revoltingly.
That marital journey lasted five months. "You buy a car, it breaks down, what are you gonna do?" that crazy sentimentalist Charlie said in announcing his divorce.
Place your bets: The over/under for this marriage checks in at whopping six weeks.
Sheen's sudden ex-wife, Donna Peele, claimed she was shocked--SHOCKED!--to find out that Charlie had paid for all those hookers. She said she didn't know. Huh? Everybody knew. My 8-month-old son knew. My cat knew.
(The joke about that marriage was that it got off to a terrible start after the first night of the honeymoon, when Charlie asked his wife if he could start a tab. Actually, the joke was the marriage.)
From there Charlie took up baseball. Not content with paying for sex, he wanted to pay for a major league home run. So one day he spent $5,000 to buy all the seats behind the left field fence in Anaheim Stadium so he could get a home run ball.
"I didn't want to crawl over the paying public, " Charlie said. "I wanted to avoid the violence." I'm pleased to say the game that night between the Angels and Tigers was the only game all year in which there were no homers hit, and Charlie was out five large--about the same as two Heidi-ho's would have cost.
And since then good ol' Charlie has had long, deeply committed relationships to adult actresses (I use the term "actress" loosely, much as they use the term "modesty" or "safe sex") Ginger Lynn Allen and Brittany Ashland.
(Got any naked pictures of your girlfriend? Want to buy some? Movies? DVDs? We got a whole truckload.)
Not to mention, of course, Charlie's rap sheet and near-fatal accidental drug overdose in 1998. Ain't we got fun?
Frankly I'm upset at this whole trip down the aisle thing. I, as a married thirtysomething who has a kid and is losing his hair but gaining a paunch, and others like me need to live vicariously through others, and Charlie was a great ride. Hookers, porn stars and drugs--what more can a man ask for? Now that's all over and done with, thanks to one Denise Richards.
Thank goodness we still have Robert Downey Jr. We just know he'll never settle down.
Internet pirates are already swapping illegally obtained copies of the much-anticipated upcoming release American Pie 2, according to Reuters.
The popular peer-to-peer program Hotline (similar to Napster) is being used to transfer the potential blockbuster movie across the World Wide Web, having been compressed in DivX format.
The DivX technology is used to compress large data files and enables computer users with broadband connections to the Internet to download feature films in less than two hours.
Universal, which was not immediately available for comment, expects huge returns from American Pie 2. Scheduled to open August 10 in the United States, the studio hopes the sequel can better the $100-million-plus box office take of the 1999 original.
Rap star Eminem, who has long been criticized for his violent and misogynist lyrics, has been sentenced to one year of probation and 21 days of community service for a weapons charge by a Michigan Circuit judge, according to The Associated Press. Eminem was accused of carrying a concealed weapon and brandishing a 9mm gun at members of the rap group Insane Clown Posse during an argument in a Detroit parking lot. "Poor judgment is an understatement for what you did," intoned Judge Denise Langford Morris. Eminem pleaded not guilty to the charges, asserting that he pointed the gun at no one and that it was not loaded.
Kindly chemistry whiz Sherman (Eddie Murphy) has found the love of his life in cutie colleague Denise (Janet Jackson) who appreciates the heart of gold beneath his extra-large exterior. But the hero's happiness is threatened when his irrepressible alter-ego Buddy Love (Murphy) reappears with a scheme to wreak havoc with Sherman's newly discovered youth potion.
"The Klumps" displays Murphy's remarkable talent for submerging himself in diverse characters even more prominently than the original did. He impressively expands upon the four Klump family members he plays with the aid of Rick Baker's Oscar-winning prosthetic makeup effects -- especially his hilarious turn as sex-crazed Granny Klump. Larry Miller is amusingly caustic as the dean of Sherman's college while pop diva Jackson deserves credit simply for keeping a straight face opposite Murphy's various incarnations.
Peter Segal ("Tommy Boy") hands in a polished if not particularly inspired piece of broad comedy that achieves its primary purpose -- staying out of Murphy's way as he works his special magic. The filmmakers pay little attention to the brainless shamelessly mechanical plotline devoting nearly all their energy to fart and sex gags that if anything aim lower than the original film's. We're talking about a flick draws one of its biggest laughs from a character getting sodomized by a giant hamster. Baby that's nasty!