"Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together." If that quote means nothing to you, then you've made a huge mistake: you've never watched Arrested Development and probably don't intend on watching its relaunch on Netflix. It also means your water-cooler conversations are going to suffer. But never fear! We've prepped a guide for you on what to say to act like you're an Arrested expert. And you've also got a ton of other pop culture choices for today and Memorial Day to binge on. If you're smart, once you've quoted "There's always money in the banana stand" to your co-workers, redirect the conversation to one of these topics. Consider this your guide to Arrested Development counter-programming this Memorial Day weekend.
MOVIES TO WATCH
The Hangover Part III — Yep, Todd Phillips' explosive conclusion to the Wolf Pack trilogy pulled tepid box office and far worse reviews. If you reveal to your hipper friends that you saw Hangover Part III instead of Arrested Development, you may lose your pop-culture-consumer cred entirely. That said, you can make a joke about how both Hangover Part III and Arrested Development involve tall vehicles with height-clearance issues. Admittedly, though, only one of them — Hangover — thinks a giraffe getting decapitated after slamming into a highway overpass is funny.
Fast & Furious 6 — Arrested Development is all brain, the Fast & Furious franchise all brawn. The sequel may be such counter-AD programming, so radically different, that it might be the only legitimately cool thing to watch instead.
Star Trek Into Darkness — The original Star Trek series was, in essence, the first Arrested Development: A cultishly scrutinized three-season series with a small but rabid fanbase that grew its following in re-runs until it relaunched a decade later as a tentpole franchise everybody loved.
Epic — Need to entertain the kids? Fox Animation Studios' Epic is a surprisingly poignant father-daughter bonding tale that's also like 3-D Fern Gully for the computer animation age. The visuals are pretty stunning, even if the plot — it's like Avatar meets The Borrowers — leaves something to be desired.
TV MARATHONS TO WATCH
TCM War Movie Marathon (All day Sunday and Monday) — Remember our glorious dead with Turner Classic Movies' annual Memorial Day Weekend tribute. Sunday's offerings include John Ford's They Were Expendable (1945, 1:00 p.m. ET), a strong contender for the title of "greatest war movie ever," the classic documentary-style World War II epic Battleground (1949, 8:00 p.m. ET), and a screening in tribute to our Russian allies during WWII, Mikhail Kalatozov's heartbreaking The Cranes Are Flying (1957, 4:30 a.m. Sunday). TCM's saving some of their biggest titles for Monday, such as The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957, 6:15 a.m.), The Guns of Navarone (1961, 9:00 a.m.), the profoundly affecting returning-soldiers drama The Best Years of Our Lives (1946, 5:00 p.m.), and Howard Hawks' Air Force (1943, 8:00 p.m.).
Mad Men, AMC, 1:30 p.m. Sunday- 1:12 a.m. Monday — Get caught up on Seasons 5 & 6 with AMC's marathon. Because if there's one show cooler than Arrested Development, it's Mad Men.
Falling Skies, TNT 10 a.m.- 8 p.m. — Season 3's just around the corner for the better-and-better alien-invasion drama. Might as well immerse yourself in a ten-hour marathon!
Clint Eastwood Marathon, Reelz — Feeling lucky? Well sure we do, punks, because Reelz is offering an all-day lineup of Clint Eastwood classics, including his iconic Dollars Trilogy, a whole bunch of Dirty Harry movies, and the underrated Ted Post Western Hang 'Em High.
James Bond, G4 — An all-day, decades-spanning marathon on Monday of Agent 007. Never seen the unfairly overlooked Timothy Dalton Bond flick License to Kill? It's included in G4's lineup, and it's a revealing precursor to today's "gritty reimagining" aesthetic, with Dalton as Daniel Craig for an audience that wasn't ready for Daniel Craig. It's plane-hijacks-plane opening was totally ripped off for the beginning of The Dark Knight Rises.
AMC's War Movie Marathon — Sunday on AMC is all Mad Men, Monday is all war movies. Do yourself a favor: if you've never seen The Longest Day, the star-studded real-time reenactment of the June 6, 1944 D-Day invasion, check it out. And they'll also be showing The Dirty Dozen, of course, the ultimate male weepie.
Veronica Mars, SOAPnet, 10 a.m.-7 p.m. — SOAPnet's determined to fill the time between now and the Kickstarter-funded Veronica Mars movie by giving you a medley of its very best episodes, Monday.
What will you be watching?
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More: Play the ‘Arrested Development’ Game of Life: Print our Boardgame! ‘Arrested Development’ Creator Mitch Hurwitz Says Not to Binge-Watch How to Act Like You’re in on the Known on ‘Arrested Development’ If You’ve Never Watched an Episode
From Our Partners:Zoe Saldana Strips Down For Magazine (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all...hell is about to break loose! It starts when a snowstorm grounds all planes at Chicago’s fictional Hoover International Airport. Nobody’s happy to be potentially spending Xmas at an airport but least of all are the Davenport siblings Spencer (Dyllan Christopher) and his little sis Katherine (Dominique Saldana) as well as airport security boss Oliver (Lewis Black). The two kids are escorted to the airport’s “Unaccompanied Minors Lounge ” where kids run wild and terrorize pushover Zach Van Bourke (Wilmer Valderrama) who acts as chief airport babysitter. One look at the madness is all it takes for Spencer and Katherine to bust out along with fellow kiddie anarchists Charlie (Tyler James Williams) Timothy (Brett Kelly) Donna (Quinn Shephard) and Grace (Gina Mantegna). They embark on a pratfall-heavy game of cat and mouse with Oliver who is the Grinch to their collective Santa Clause as they try and salvage Christmas--and their families. Unaccompanied Minors makes some odd but admirable choices when it comes to the cast with virtually every single actor attempting a “Frat Pack” mutiny--Daily Show mainstay Black is joined by “correspondent” Rob Corddry as the Davenports’ Hummer-hating dad not to mention parts from The Office’s B.J. Novak and Mindy Kaling Arrested Development’s Tony Hale and Jessica Walter SNL’s Rob Riggle and Kristen Wiig Paget Brewster David Koechner and a rare Kids in the friggin’ Hall (Kevin McDonald Bruce McCulloch and Mark McKinney) sighting. But the “Who’s that?” cameos aside the screen time is hogged by Black Valderrama and the children. Black the notoriously vulgar curmudgeon of a comedian shows great range and skill by dulling his shtick down but not so much that the kids watching won’t crack up while Valderrama’s performance is the same as his role--that of a bumbling easily overmatched lackey. With all the proverbial child actors in the mix it can seem a little Star Search-y but Williams (Everybody Hates Chris) steals most scenes with his amazing overall talent while Mantegna (Joe’s daughter) fares well too. Kelly (the bullied kid in Bad Santa) is exploited for his physicality and Christopher will likely go on to be a great actor even if he seems too seasoned at such a young age. The reason for the off-the-beaten-path cast is simple: director Paul Feig. The occasional actor has in the past directed episodes of The Office and the late Arrested Development Undeclared and Freaks and Geeks. It also might explain why he fell for a script--by Jacob Meszaros and Mya Stark--that takes a few stabs at grown-up comedy (i.e. Corddry’s character has a car that runs on vegetable oil). Such jokes will be lost on the exclusively preadolescent audience but almost all else will reel them in. Feig also seems adept at making the oft-unfunny (physical pratfalls) somewhat funny and he does so with little mention of bodily functions. Of course he stays true to the formula but all kid flicks are the ultimate exercises in contrivance--Feig just chooses to treat the viewers like kids instead of idiots.
She's a hip-hoppin' be-boppin' mean ol' nanny who whips a mean stew and your butt for not doing your homework—and now she's back! Alas we don't speak of the Mrs. Doubtfire sequel but rather that of Big Momma a.k.a. FBI Agent Malcolm Turner (Martin Lawrence). Agent Warner has cut ties with the FBI at the behest of Sherry (Nia Long)—who as you no doubt recall is the granddaughter of the real Big Momma—since she's pregnant with Malcolm's baby. But wouldn't you know that he gets sucked back in after a former colleague is killed. Posing as Big Momma he's hired as a nanny to a suburban family the deadbeat dad of which is involved in the murder and a crime plot. She does it all—cooks cleans dances and even runs down bad guys but it's a race against time to stop the potential national security crisis. That is a race against the film's (mercifully) short running time. Although Lawrence's resume includes some of the dregs of comedy it's hard to argue that he is truly blessed when it comes to physical comedy and comedic timing. He continues both trends here this time without the help of the breakthrough actors of the past two years Paul Giamatti and Terrence Howard who yes both starred in the first Big Momma's House. That means Lawrence's urban mania is truly on its own and absurd and juvenile as the film may be even film snobs can't hold back a few laughs at his Big Momma outlandishness. Longreturns for no more than a select few scenes and to provide a minor conflict in the story. The notable newcomer is CSI's Emily Procter as the sterile mother who hires Big Momma. She does a serviceable job as a suburban Petite Momma. Might she be the next Giamatti or Howard to bolt to bigger and better things in time for the next sequel? No.
Big Momma's House 2 is right up director John Whitesell's alley. He's the guy behind such misses—though not necessarily financially—as Malibu's Most Wanted and See Spot Run and he's right at home here. Whitesell doesn't hold back in (literally and figuratively) pulling the robe off Big Momma but he clearly knows that nothing is to interrupt Lawrence's antics not even the thin story line. Aside from that he knows quite well how to execute thinly veiled rip-offs of the aforementioned Mrs. Doubtfire as well as countless other hidden-motive comedies (i.e. Kindergarten Cop Houseguest et al). Because while the main guise is the Big Momma fat suit Whitesell parades the film about as a feel-good/family flick.
December 21, 2004 10:19am EST
Wesley Snipes sues New York City
Blade: Trinity star Wesley Snipes is suing New York City over an arrest warrant issued against him in an Indiana paternity case. Reuters reports the Manhattan judge took the action on an interstate paternity petition filed in Indiana by a woman who claims Snipes fathered her 3-year-old son. But the actor says the city had no authority to seek his DNA and his suit, filed yesterday in Manhattan federal court, alleges the woman involved had a history of making wild claims against celebrities, including Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and Prince. Snipes' suit also charges that the woman is a mentally ill former crack addict who began having delusions about him after watching the movie Blade. Snipes' lawyer Robert Bernhoft said the actor lived in Orlando, Fla., so New York City had no jurisdiction to file the arrest warrant issued by a New York family court judge and is seeking a court ruling to have it invalidated. The suit also names LaPorte County, Indiana, as a defendant. A lawyer for New York, Emily Sweet, said the lawsuit was being evaluated and could not comment further but a hearing was scheduled for Wednesday.
Rapper charged in Vibe Award stabbing
Rapper Young Buck was charged Monday with stabbing a fellow performer at the Vibe Awards in Santa Monica, Calif., last month. Reuters reports Young Buck, whose real name is David Darnell Brown, attacked rapper Jimmy James Johnson after Johnson, who was refused an autograph by Dr. Dre, punched the rap impresario in the face. The dispute set off a chair-throwing melee that that nonetheless did not stop the ceremony. Johnson was arrested and remains in custody on a suspected parole violation while Brown remains free on $500,000. If convicted, Brown faces up to eight years in prison.
Actor Brolin cited with domestic battery
Actor Josh Brolin was cited for misdemeanor domestic battery Sunday after his wife, actress Diane Lane, called police during an argument at the couple's home, The Associated Press reports. Frank Mateljan, a spokesman for the city attorney's office, told the AP no charges have been filed. Brolin, the son of actor James Brolin and stepson of Barbra Streisand, was arrested around 3 a.m. Sunday and released on $20,000 bail. Meanwhile, a spokeswoman for the couple said the incident was a "misunderstanding" and the couple had reconciled. Brolin, 36, and Lane, 39, were married in an August ceremony on Brolin's ranch north of Los Angeles.
Host Probst dates former Survivor
Survivor host Jeff Probst and former Survivor: Vanuatu contestant Julie Berry are now an item, Reuters reports. "Nobody is more surprised than me," Probst, 43, was quoted as saying on People magazine's Web site. Probst said he and Berry, a 24-year-old youth mentor, started dating after he e-mailed her to say hello once the show was over. Berry, one of 18 contestants on Vanuatu, was among the five still in the running before she was voted off by her rivals during a show that aired Dec. 9.
Alley hawks Jenny Craig
After being tagged a Fat Actress for a new Showtime series, Kirstie Alley is now getting serious about losing weight. The actress has signed a deal to appear in ads for the Jenny Craig weight-management program, the AP reports. "I had a great time getting fat and now I'm going to have an even greater time losing weight," Alley, 53, said in a statement. "I had four offers from other companies, but I wanted to go with the ... one that I knew would work--and, let's face it, Jenny Craig's food is hands-down the yummiest." The TV commercials will begin airing Jan. 10, the Carlsbad, Calif.-based company announced Monday.
Next Harry Potter installment due in July
J.K. Rowling has finished the sixth book in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which is due to be released July 16, Reuters reports. The book picks up the story of Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as his evil foe Lord Voldemort's "power and followers are increasing day by day," Rowling's publishers Bloomsbury and Scholastic said. "I know you all expected this to happen on Christmas Day, but I was sure that those of you who celebrate Christmas have better things to do on the day itself than fight your way into my study, whereas those of you who don't celebrate Christmas would definitely prefer not to wait until the 25th," Rowling said in a message on her Web site.