Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector opens with a man scratching his plumber’s-crack re-using a cotton swab to clean his ear and wearing the sleeveless shirt he uses as a towel. Naturally this is Larry (the Cable Guy) a health inspector. Halfheartedly inspecting the local food joints he’s leading the life that suits him well. But when his boss (Thomas F. Wilson) assigns him a serious-minded female partner (Iris Bahr) his world is turned upside down--or at least made less comfy. Larry’s called in to investigate “some fartin’ Jewish folks” at a swankier restaurant and learns that it’s not an isolated incident. While Larry’s unorthodox methods manage to arouse the interest of a waitress (Megyn Price) with bowel habits that he adores his tactics arouse the ire of the restaurateurs he investigates and it costs him his job. Now he’s forced to do whatever it takes to prove his innocence. Even the D-listers here must’ve gone straight to confession upon accepting these roles to help cushion their bank accounts. Let’s start with Larry the Cable Guy (of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour “Git-R-Done” fame) who is one of the most successful stand-up comics today. He’s right in his element seemingly with fart blanche on toilet humor but to the unconverted he’s a little more than grating. Speaking of grating the (hopefully) affected voice of Bahr makes the movie mostly unlistenable in addition to being unwatchable. But take pity on her for this is no way to jumpstart a movie career. Tony Hale clearly still reeling from the potential cancellation of TV’s Arrested Development (on which he plays Buster) also lowers his star and integrity with an ambiguous character here. And Joe Pantoliano shows his face. The once great character actor reaches a new low with this one even if his performance isn’t all bad. Health Inspector masters the art of the fart. But more disgusting than the settings with which the farts are juxtaposed is the ad nauseam (pun intended) level of over-usage. So congratulations go to along with fart Yoda Larry the Cable Guy director Trent Cooper who makes his feature directorial debut. And might we add what a fart-tastic debut it is! But it’s not all farts ladies and gentleman--all forms of gross-out humor are exploited unlike ever before. On the er serious side the collection of running jokes adds to a few legit laughs. Cooper helms a story that naturally doesn’t work deferring instead to Larry’s natural um charisma. The script offers no segue into Larry’s stand-up persona but anyone who sees this here flick ain’t lookin’ for no dang Oscar winner. Clearly Health Inspector will appeal to Larry’s following but is not meant for those of sound mind.
After being awakened by the echoing of scary sounds and discovering big footprints the gang--including Rabbit Tigger Piglet Eeyore and of course Pooh--decide to find and capture a Heffalump one of the most feared creatures in the Hundred Acre Wood. Little Roo is the only one not allowed to help in their endeavor because he is too small and too young to partake in such a dangerous expedition. But Roo is determined to convince everyone he is big enough to catch a Heffalump and sets out on his own. Luckily he is much more successful than the rest snaring a Heffalump named Lumpy. Roo soon finds out however that the scariest creature in the woods is not really scary at all but kind and gentle and just as scared as he or his friends ever were. Lumpy and Roo become fast friends. It is now up to Roo to get his friends and everyone else in the Hundred Acre Wood to throw away their fears and accept the Heffalumps as one of them.
All the actors portraying the Hundred Acre wood gang do a great job. They include Jim Cummings as friendly Winnie the Pooh and bounce-happy Tigger; Ken Sansom as the know-it-all Rabbit; Kath Soucie as Roo's loving mother Kanga; John Fiedler as little Piglet; Peter Cullen as the endearingly dreary Eeyore; Nikita Hopkins as the effervescent Roo. But it's the voice of Lumpy the Heffalump who steals the show. Eight-year-old Brit Kyle Stanger voices the soft-spoken but happy-go-lucky Lumpy melting your heart at every turn while two-time Oscar nominee Brenda Blethyn as his Mama Heffalump adds just the right touch.
Under the helm of veteran animation director Don MacKinnon and director Frank Nisson Pooh's Heffalump Movie uses the basic pen and ink animation but that suits the gang of the Hundred Acre Wood just fine. In classic Disney form music is also as much a part of the movie as anything else. Award-winning recording artist Carly Simon who also scored the delightful Piglet's Big Movie worked closely with DisneyToon Studios music department's Matt Walker and composer Joel McNeely to introduce several new songs that give the movie added spirit and bounce bringing the old and new characters together harmoniously.
In the late 19th century Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) a misunderstood monster hunter is summoned to Transylvania to ferret out Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) and kill him once and for all. When Van Helsing gets to the small village where the vampire was last spotted he discovers he also must contend with Dracula's three seriously twisted vampire brides Dracula's angry henchman/werewolf--and a lovely gypsy princess named Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) who is hell-bent on eradicating Dracula and his bloodsucking kind for slaughtering her entire family. Oh and let's not forget Frankenstein's Monster (Shuler Hensley) who holds the key to Dracula's evil master plan--something about releasing his minions of unborn bat-like children from their goo-filled cocoons so they can wreck havoc on the world. Yuck. Sounds like our resident monster stomper and his sword-swinging gal pal have their work cut out for them. If Van Helsing does manage to kill all his monster foes does that mean he's out of a job?
Jackman has the whole antihero thing down pat. He adequately embodies the younger more virile Van Helsing dishing out as much pain and torture as he can on the undead--but the Aussie actor isn't given nearly as much meat to chew on as he did say delving into the complicated Wolverine in X-Men. Instead the monster hunter is relegated to carrying big weapons wearing a big hat and muttering something about having bad dreams to a past he can't remember. Same goes for Beckinsale. The British actress was oh-so-cool on the other side of the fence playing the chic vampire Selene in Underworld cutting her way through a myriad of werewolves. As Van Helsing's heavily accented female counterpart Anna however she just runs around with her sword blurting out such pathetic dialogue such as "Dracula took everything away from me and now I'm alone in the world" while Roxburgh's Dracula--who can't hold a candle to other far more charismatic Draculas before him--wails about being so very alone as his luscious brides hang upside down in front of him. Give me a break. At least Australian actor David Wenham (The Lord of the Rings) provides much-needed comic relief as Van Helsing's sidekick Carl a Catholic friar who doesn't much like playing hero.
With the requisite dark mood and tone action sequences and snazzy CGI-creations including the winged vampire brides and formidable werewolves you can see exactly where writer/director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) spent Van Helsing's nearly $150 million budget. But even all the bells and whistles can't tie together the film's vacuous nonsensical mumbo jumbo as Sommers attempts to bring classic movie monsters together in the same movie. Maybe in a tongue-in-cheek Abbott and Costello movie it could work but as a serious action-packed thriller clearly Dracula Frankenstein and the Wolf Man do not need to meet. On top of that Sommers steals from other movies as well such as recent films Underworld (the whole vampire vs. werewolf conflict) and The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (Van Helsing defeats a rather familiar-looking Mr. Hyde at one point). Whatever originality there is in the film leaves you either scratching your head--Dracula has kids?--or rolling your eyes--Anna needs to kill Dracula so her nine-generations of family can reunite in Heaven? Please.
Late-breaking Martin Scorsese news: He's gonna make a mob movie!
Martin Scorsese No, really.
We know it sounds like a stretch. We know you can't possibly imagine the director of "Goodfellas," "Casino" and "Mean Streets" making a mob movie, but here it is: According to today's Daily Variety, the filmmaker is developing a flick about a real-life World War II Marine who became a gangsta kingpin in Japan after the war. The project's to be based on the book "Tokyo Underworld" by Robert Whiting.
We love it when artists stretch.
DÉJÀ VU: Late-breaking Courtney Love news: She's gonna play a spunky grrrl-power heroine.
We know it sounds like a stretch. We know you can't possibly imagine the tough-talkin' frontwoman of alt-rock band Hole playing the tough-talkin' leader of a space expedition, but here it is: According to Variety, Love is the likely star of the planned horror/sci-fi flick, "John Carpenter's Ghost of Mars," to be directed by John Carpenter, but of course.
We love it when artists stretch.
DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN: Late-breaking Kevin Spacey news: He's gonna be in a big ol' prestige picture!
We know it sounds like a stretch. We know you possibly can't imagine the Oscar-nominated Serious Actor Guy of "American Beauty," "The Usual Suspects" and "L.A. Confidential" starring in yet another Serious Actor Guy movie, but here it is: According to (yes) Variety, Spacey is being pursued for "Shipping News," a romantic drama that once was going to star John Travolta, but isn't anymore.
Do we love it when artists stretch?
Nah, it makes us feel so inadequate.