Fans of author Alexandre Dumas' 1844 serialized novel The Three Musketeers (or heck fans of the 1993 Chris O'Donnell/Charlie Sheen Disney version!) beware: The latest incarnation bears little resemblance to the version you remember from high school English. Unless you sped-read through the reading in-between levels of your favorite video game—in which case it might be exactly as you remember.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat the Resident Evil franchise) orchestrates his Musketeers with the rhyme and reason of a confetti popper loading his cinematic shotgun with familiar story beats paper thin characters and anachronistic technology in order blast his audience all the way back to last weekend's Saturday morning cartoons. The movie opens with the titular swashbucklers Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) on a mission to crack Da Vinci's vault where the legendary inventor's master work is kept hidden. After running jumping slicing dicing and pressing every A+B+X+Y button combo imaginable it's Arthos' lady friend Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich) who finally breaks in—only to steal Da Vinci's plans for a massive war machine and backstabbing the Musketeers in the process.
One year passes and we pick up with young son-of-an-ex-Musketeer D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) who rides off to Paris in search of adventure. Before too long D'Artagnan crosses paths with the burnt-out swordsmen who see a little bit of themselves in the young lad who lays waste to 40 guardsmen after getting the stink eye (boy's got a bit of temper). The Musketeers return to form just in time as the movie's handful of villains are all preparing to strike at exactly the same moment. The Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) has built Da Vinci's balloon-powered airship and secretly plans an attack; Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) convinces Milady to double cross Buckingham planting the Queen's diamond necklace in the Duke's posession to incite war (but wasn't he already...? Nevermind); and Richelieu's number two Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen) who just likes to stab Musketeers in the face.
There's a whole lot of plot going on in The Three Musketeers but the film's presentation is so scatterbrained so rapid-fire that none of the many throughlines ever click to make sense. But Anderson gets very very lucky—thanks in no small part to a colorful cast that elevates the lazy storytelling with energy humor and charm. Macfadyen is stoic and sharp as Athos while Evans does his best to inject actual character into Aramis glowing with friendliness and warmth around his fellow Musketeers. Stevenson's rugged Pathos adds much needed comedy making up for the lame Planchet (James Corden) the Musketeers' Chris Farley-wannabe sidekick. Unfortunately Lerman's D'Artagnan is a black hole of charisma—not helpful as he's the crux of the story.
Anderson can't decide which plotlines to follow so great performers like Waltz and Mikkelsen are cut short in favor of spotlighting the scantily-clad Jovovich (yes even 1600s garb) who carries over all the wooden skills she demonstrated in the Resident Evil movies. Orlando Bloom might be the only cast member who realizes he's in a movie destined to be campy. Donning pastels glitter and eyeshadow Bloom twists his mustache and takes it over the top. That's when Musketeers is at its most fun.
Airship battles sword fights and fast-paced Ocean's 11-style infiltration montages are more entertaining than the silly story would suggest but more often than not Anderson downplays Three Musketeers most interesting aspect: The Musketeers themselves. Gone is the camaraderie the "all for one one for all." Instead Three Musketeers is an experience similar to watching a friend play video games. That friend's not going to waste time clicking through dialogue and learning the story when he could be zipping through adrenaline-infused landscapes blasting baddies into smithereens. Not even for your sake.
November 28, 2005 10:54am EST
Frank Beardsley (Dennis Quaid) is a widowed Admiral from the U.S. Coast Guard with eight kids and one hell of a regiment. In fact you could call him downright anal retentive when it comes to raising his children. Meanwhile his poor kids ardently hope that someday they’ll land somewhere permanently. They get their wish when Frank runs into Helen North (Renee Russo) his former high school sweetheart. Helen is also widowed a free-spirited handbag designer with 10 kids who takes a more relaxed approach to parenting. Deciding its fate they’ve been reunited the two get married without their combined 18 children knowing about it. When the kids find out that their lives are about to drastically change all 18 of them band together to break up their parents--but learn a few life lessons instead. Sweet isn’t it? Watching Russo is always such a treat. Even grappling with a script like Yours Mine and Ours she manages to make the most of her eccentric flustered character. Quaid on the other hand deviates little from the character he played in The Parent Trap or The Rookie or any other movie he’s been in lately. If you have seen one of his movies you’ve seen them all. Thankfully the kids are the best part of the movie each of them finding a way to endear themselves. The youngest two kids--Ethan Beardsley (Ty Panitz) and Aldo North (Nicholas Roget-King)--are the most entertaining to watch because they are so young and naïve. Whether they are getting in trouble for something their older siblings put them up to or fearing the “hammer” (aka the Admiral’s discipline plan) they bring some welcomed relief in the otherwise stale comedy. Director Raja Gosnell best known for helming comedies such as Scooby Doo Big Momma's House and Never Been Kissed should know have known better than to try to resurrect and remold the Lucille Ball/Henry Fonda1968 original. It just isn’t necessary. To start with the story which is based on the real Helen North Beardsley’s book Who Gets the Last Drumstick? isn’t all that entertaining. It’s also a little dated for these modern times especially when we’ve seen the same material covered in far better films such as Parenthood. But at least Gosnell knows how to highlight the calamity of having 20 people together in one house--a house which also includes two large dogs and a pot-bellied pig. Yeah a pig. Whether it’s a paint fight among the family or a party among the older kids Gosnell puts you inside this zoo the Beardsley-Norths call home. Just be glad you don’t live in it yourself.