We should have seen this coming. In the first moments of the Sons of Anarchyseason finale, Tara sits up, staring into the great beyond while Katey Sagal’s melancholy song drapes itself over the scene. We gathered that by episode’s end, Tara would be gone. But we were dead wrong about where she was going. As Jax has become darker and darker, inching closer to becoming the second coming of Clay, Tara has drifted towards the other life she’s envisioned for herself. She’s got that job offer in Oregon, her wrist will soon be rehabilitated enough to allow her to return to surgery, and all that’s waiting for her in Charming is the threat of Otto taking her down with him for murdering that nurse. Jax solidified that when he injected Wendy with heroin. The former junkie exposes Jax’s actions to Tara and she finally snaps, deciding now is the time to move the boys out of Charming. Of course, she still wants Jax to be a part of this new life, letting go of his dastardly move in what seems to be the hope that once he’s out of Charming, he’ll lose the dark elements he’s taken on. But Jax can’t leave Charming. He’s shackled to that town like a prisoner, and when Gemma learns of Tara’s plan, she makes sure she keeps those cuffs in place… and give Tara a pair of her own. Gemma threatens to feed incriminating lies to the investigator’s in Otto’s case, leading them to believe Tara gave Otto the cross with the intent of aiding the murder. Tara would be locked up, and as Gemma so satisfyingly spat: she’d be “getting fist-raped until [Abel and Thomas] are well into their 20s.” Gemma’s been burdening the sick task of becoming Clay’s lover in order to betray him, and while Jax was the one who asked her to do it, Tara’s support of the plot is where Gemma’s focus lies, as always. It’s never Jax, it’s always Tara. Gemma wants her boys – Jax, Abel, and Thomas – all to herself, even if that means making them miserable. As Tara is silently booked, Thomas’ cries ring out through the house: this is Jax’s own personal hell. Everything he’s ever wanted has been taken from him, and while Gemma’s self-satisfied mini-smirk assures us this plan was all her doing, for Jax it’s just Karma. It’s not about who wronged him, or what outside forces put this consequence in place, it’s that he’s earned this punishment: seeing the woman he loves and the mother of his child locked up for the crime of trusting him. Because Tara loves Jax, she signed up for the life of an old lady. She visited Otto multiple times to get him to reverse RICO. She put her needs and feelings in a box and took care of her man, and her reward is being inducted as a full-fledged member of his band of criminals and thugs. And while Tara doesn’t deserve this, Jax certainly does. The finale saw him making his final transformation into Clay 2.0. When he took Tig into the desert, presumably to allow him to be the requisite SAMCRO boy whose blood would be spilled by Pope, we thought that would be the final moment in Jax’s transition to the dark side. And when it turned out his plan all along was to save Tig and let him murder the man who ruined his life, we thought our white knight had finally found his way. Unfortunately, he’d done something much worse than leading one of his brothers to slaughter. In the club, honor is the highest form of currency. Death is a professional hazard. And when Tig realized that Jax gave him Clay’s gun to kill Pope, Jax’s honor was decimated. Bobby drives the final nail into Good Jax’s coffin when he says, “It wasn’t about being smart enough to hurt him. I was about being smart enough not to hurt him.” The club voted Clay out on the promise that Jax would be different. They gave him his shot to be the better man, to excommunicate Clay, but leave him with his dignity. It’s a level of maturity and compassion that Clay could never have executed as head of the MC. Yet, when given the chance, Jax not only takes his shot at Clay, he doesn’t regret it in the slightest. With heaps of willful resolve, Jax simply tells Bobby, “Maybe I’m not that different.” But Jax’s resolute transition can’t come without consequences. Not only does Mr. Marx threaten to look into and expose the frame job on Clay, potentially opening a world of hurt for Jax and the MC, but Jax’s personal life is over. He’s left to wallow in a life straight out of a passage from Hamlet. In the final scene, he sits with Thomas in arms, pain written all over his face while Gemma comes in and assumes the role of matriarch. It’s impossible not to compare Gemma’s unmotherly affection towards her son, as she stands in the position that rightfully belongs to Tara, to Hamlet’sQueen Gertrude. Of course, like Hamlet, Jax seems complicit in this strange relationship for the moment. But Queen Gemma’s crown will fall as soon as Jax learns why Tara’s suddenly deemed guilty. And now that he’s fully a lost soul, his wrath will be unimaginable – and his further punishment even greater. Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler [Photo Credit: FX] More: 'Sons of Anarchy''s Theo Rossi on Life With Jax and Clay: 'He Has an Excuse to Kill Me' 'Sons of Anarchy': When Clay Falls, A New King Rises 'Sons of Anarchy': Kim Coates and Theo Rossi on How To Not Die — VIDEO
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You know that video that went around a few months ago where Dax Shepard presented Kristen Bell a sloth for a little birthday cuddle and she promptly had an adorable crying fit? Instead of catching Hit and Run you're better off just watching that for 100 minutes interspersed with the car chase scenes from your favorite action movie.
Hit and Run stars the real-life couple as a Mutt and Jeff pair living in a small town in California. Annie (Bell) is a professor who's presented with the opportunity for a big city gig at Stanford. The catch is it's in Los Angeles — and her beloved Charlie (Shepard) can't leave the city. Charlie Bronson is in the Witness Protection Plan for testifying against his bank robbin' buddies after a heist gone awry. Charlie was merely the getaway driver so his hands are relatively clean but he's on his former best friend's sh*tlist for ratting them out. Plus Annie's ex Gil (Michael Rosenbaum) is obsessed with winning her back. Add in prison rape jokes Bradley Cooper with a terrible wig of white boy dreads and Tom Arnold as That Guy the annoyingly goofy Federal Marshall assigned to protect Charlie and who only succeeds in crashing his car and discharging his gun and you've got a headache of a movie.
Besides its uncomfortably lingering jabs at prison Hit and Run boasts a number of distasteful attempts at humor. It's possible to make almost anything funny but you must have talent to do it. This is not the case here. Kristin Chenoweth has a small part as Debbie Annie's boss who encourages Annie to take the job because she deserves it. Debbie doesn't because she got trashed a lot in college was date raped had an abortion and went to a state school. There's another running joke about a Grindr-like app and a gay cop — because it's funny for a cop to be gay. The characters keep accidentally barging into a hotel room full of swingers that are of various ages and body types because God forbid people who don't look like Bell or Shepard have sex.
The only enjoyable aspect of the movie is the chemistry between Shepard and Bell although one could hazard a guess that their little fights are based on real-life tiffs. (Based on the movie's sensibilities it wouldn't be a far reach to imagine that Bell probably did have to teach Shepard why it wasn't okay to say things were "gay" instead of just uncool.) Their arguments about the present moment versus the past are interesting enough but it seems pretty dumb that she was fine with him being in protective custody for who-knows-what-crime only to suddenly freak out when she finds out what his crime really was or that he had a life before her (including a fiancée). How can she suddenly get mad at him for misrepresenting himself when she knew the whole time he was on the run from something? His new name is Charlie Bronson! Come on!
There are so many problems with this story so many moments that fall flat so many unfunny jokes beaten to death so many moments of fuzzy logic that it's confounding how it was actually made. Shepard wrote the screenplay and co-directed with David Palmer and it looks serviceable enough. But someone needs to get the lovable and lovely Kristen Bell a new agent… yesterday.
Theatrics slapstick and cheer are cinematic qualities you rarely find outside the realm of animation. Disney perfected it with their pantheon of cartoon classics mixing music humor spectacle and light-hearted drama that swept up children while still capturing the imaginations and hearts of their parents. But these days even reinterpretations of fairy tales get the gritty make-over leaving little room for silliness and unfiltered glee. Emerging through that dark cloud is Mirror Mirror a film that achieves every bit of imagination crafted by its two-dimensional predecessors and then some. Under the eye of master visualist Tarsem Singh (The Fall Immortals) Mirror Mirror's heightened realism imbues it with the power to pull off anything — and the movie never skimps on the anything.
Like its animated counterparts Mirror Mirror stays faithful to its source material but twists it just enough to feel unique. When Snow White (Lily Collins) was a little girl her father the King ventured into a nearby dark forest to do battle with an evil creature and was never seen or heard from again. The kingdom was inherited by The Queen (Julia Roberts) Snow's evil stepmother and the fair-skinned beauty lived locked up in the castle until her 18th birthday. Grown up and tired of her wicked parental substitute White sneaks out of the castle to the village for the first time. There she witnesses the economic horrors The Queen has imposed upon the people of her land all to fuel her expensive beautification. Along the way Snow also meets Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer) who is suffering from his own money troubles — mainly being robbed by a band of stilt-wearing dwarves. When the Queen catches wind of the secret excursion she casts Snow out of the castle to be murdered by her assistant Brighton (Nathan Lane).
Fairy tales take flack for rejecting the idea of women being capable but even with its flighty presentation and dedication to the old school Disney method Mirror Mirror empowers its Snow White in a genuine way thanks to Collins' snappy charming performance. After being set free by Brighton Snow crosses paths with the thieving dwarves and quickly takes a role on their pilfering team (which she helps turn in to a Robin Hooding business). Tarsem wisely mines a spectrum of personalities out of the seven dwarves instead of simply playing them for one note comedy. Sure there's plenty of slapstick and pun humor (purposefully and wonderfully corny) but each member of the septet stands out as a warm compassionate companion to Snow even in the fantasy world.
Mirror Mirror is richly designed and executed in true Tarsem-fashion with breathtaking costumes (everything from ball gowns to the dwarf expando-stilts to ridiculous pirate ship hats with working canons) whimsical sets and a pitch-perfect score by Disney-mainstay Alan Menken. The world is a storybook and even its monsters look like illustrations rather than photo-real creations. But what makes it all click is the actors. Collins holds her own against the legendary Julia Roberts who relishes in the fun she's having playing someone despicable. She delivers every word with playful bite and her rapport with Lane is off-the-wall fun. Armie Hammer riffs on his own Prince Charming physique as Alcott. The only real misgiving of the film is the undercooked relationship between him and Snow. We know they'll get together but the journey's half the fun and Mirror Mirror serves that portion undercooked.
Children will swoon for Mirror Mirror but there's plenty here for adults — dialogue peppered with sharp wisecracks and a visual style ripped from an elegant tapestry. The movie wears its heart on its sleeve and rarely do we get a picture where both the heart and the sleeve feel truly magical.
S15:E4 I woke up with a black eye. I don't know what it could be from. Maybe it's stress. I think I deserve a one-on-one date with Brad. I'm going have him kiss it and make it better. - Michelle
Last night's The Bachelor began with the cameras having a sit down with the girl in the competition who's more insane than the girl with the fangs who left the show because she was so taken with how much one of the other contestants loved Brad. Sporting a visible black eye, Michelle said she didn't know how she acquired the injury, but simply that she assumed she gave it to herself while she was sleeping because of all the stress that has been surrounding the experience. ISN'T THAT CRAZIER THAN A SOBER CHEERLEADER WHO HAS NO TROUBLE FILLING OUT HER UNIFORM?! I'm quite sure it is, but I'm quite surer that her explanation for the injury was consistent with the insanity that occupied her mind while Brad was on the one-on-one date with Chantal. According to Michelle, if Brad kept Chantal after the date, she was sure that Brad would eliminate her because she wasn't enough like Chantal. So yes, women are crazy! All the time! Women are so crazy they beat themselves up for not being similar enough to other women!
It's a huge thing to ask me to get in the ocean. I don't just do that. - Chantal O
Brad chose Chantal O. for the first one-on-one date of the episode and he whisked her off to some island in a helicopter that left the rest of the women at the house with nothing to do but go back to chronicling their eating disorders in their neon pink Composition notebooks. Once Chantal and Brad arrived at their destination, Brad ushered Chantal onto a boat and explained they were going to be "walking along the ocean floor." However, this proved to be a bit of a problem because Chantal is nothing like the cat that willingly puts his head under the kitchen faucet. In fact, Chantal HATES water. She doesn't drink it, sip it, bathe in it and especially doesn't buy it in bulk at Costco. So you can understand the internal struggle poor Chantal suffered from while attempting to be the fun girl who's down for anything! But in the name of love, Chantal put on her spaceman headgear and submitted to being enveloped by the murky and unfamiliar, but only after she made sure that producers got audio of her saying how much her actions of submersion are a testimonial to how much she loves Brad. After they got out of the water, they lay down on a mattress and talked about Chantal's four and a half year-long marriage to a guy she'd been dating for 10 years. I was shocked that her relationship didn’t work out, but Brad didn’t seem to be able to do the math that would have told him something super crazy must have happened if a couple that had been together for 14 years had to part ways. Chantal didn't give any reasons as to why they separated, but she did say that now she knew what she wanted and that she definitely wanted to get married again and have kids. At the end of the date, Chantal apologized for smacking Brad across the face on behalf of all the women in America when she first met him, and then it started to rain...which one of them said was good luck but I'm pretty sure it's not because whenever it rained at sleep away camp, we never ever had pizza and soda for dinner.
I'm nervous because I know how reputable Dr. Drew is. - Stacey
For the group date, Brad took the women to the recording studio where Dr. Drew and some guy named Mike do a radio show called Loveline. Brad's goal was to give the girls the chance to be completely honest with him about what they wanted out of this whole experience, and what they were looking for in a partner...which must mean he's getting tired of having those conversations while trying to ignore the fire hazard that is a mattress surrounded by candles. Brad was also looking forward to Dr. Drew aiding him in figuring out which girls, if any, were particularly well-matched for him because he was still having a tough time figuring it out himself. Mike just basically sat there like a lawn flamingo and did nothing while Dr. Drew asked questions nobody was supposed to want to answer, like "who's cheated on their boyfriend before?" However Stacey, who hadn't had any one-on-one time with Brad yet, was desperate for some recognition and admitted to cheating on her boyfriend in college. Everyone was shocked she revealed that information, but they were all particularly relieved because Brad still believes that despite his actions three years ago, he doesn't deserve to be with a woman who has a history of cheating.
Oh shit. I’m going to kill you. Where are you taking me? – Michelle
So Michelle was finally chosen to go on a one-on-one date with Brad. He took her to his house and gave her a mimosa and just as she was becoming obsessed with the fact she was the only woman who’d ever seen Brad’s house and that it must signify his apology to her for waiting so long to spend some quality time with her, a helicopter landed in the backyard and Michelle yelled at Brad for bringing her to his house only to take her somewhere else. Once they both got in the helicopter, they were taken to a tall building in what I assume was Los Angeles, and Michelle started to freak the fuck out. She talked about throwing up and clutched her forehead with sheer regret of ever leaving the house, and Brad thought he should just tell her that they were going to spend their date repelling down the side of the building and down to where they were going to have dinner. Take THAT, commercials for “Real Match.com dates!” Michelle continued to freak out until some cameraman convinced her to just get all suited up and just lean over the side of the building and pretend that she was going to do this with Brad. And through a whole mess of coaxing, Brad convinced her to sit down in her harness and just do it. She did but also concocted some great analysis of either being ready to let go and fall in love or not, which she used to show us she was courageous and definitely not lying about being afraid of heights. They made it to the bottom safely, and the immense amount of praise Brad gave Michelle afterwards would make a pre-school teacher vomit. Then they got in the hotel pool, where Michelle made Brad promise he would never repel down another building with anyone else in his entire life. He pinky-swore he wouldn’t, and then Michelle stuck a tube down his throat so he could never take one breath on his own, and if he wanted to breathe, Michelle would have to put her mouth over the end of the tube and blow into his lungs for him. Brad was so charmed with his new lifestyle that he gave Michelle a rose that would keep her in the competition for another week.
It felt like a punch in the stomach. – Chantal O
During the cocktail party, Brad spent some time with the women who he didn’t have dates with this week. He took a few of them out onto the patio, commended the most basic thing about each of them because they don’t know them very well, and the like. But then, he pulled Emily aside (who stole America’s heart last week when she revealed to Brad that her fiancé died in a plane crash and then a week later realized she was pregnant) and set up an outdoor picnic with wine for her. Emily was quite dumbfounded with the gesture, and was pleased to hear that Brad missed her the whole week. While they were busy loving it up outside, Chantal was having a breakdown inside the house. She recognized that she had already received a rose and was safe from elimination, but she had a hard time figuring out if it was worth sticking around if she wasn’t going to be the one chosen in the end. She told the other girls she felt cheap and stupid for coming out of their one-on-one date feeling so secure and so adored. Finally, Chantal couldn’t take it anymore and interrupted a conversation Brad was having with Ashley, where she said she wanted Brad to make her feel comfortable enough to fall in love with him and all kinds of crazy things that nobody should ever even whisper into the ear of a dog. Brad reassured her that he was thankful for her independence and for the fact that she’s not needy. Then he kissed her and Chantal went off to do whatever it is that girls do when they’ve been lied to but don’t know it yet.
In the end, Brad eliminated all the women we still don’t know anything about, in addition to, I'm pretty sure, Stacey. It’s hard to relay to you which other women he sent away from the mansion, but I can say that the following women are still around: Michelle, Chantal, the funeral director named Shawntel, Emily, Ashley the dentist, Jackie, the Ashley that’s a lot like Tenley from the last Bachelor, Ali who we don’t know at all yet, Lisa who we don’t know at all yet, and Marissa WHO WE DON’T KNOW AT ALL YET either. The rest of the women were sent back to wherever, but it’s probably not as great a place as Las Vegas, which is where the women are going next week. They’ll race NASCAR (cars? Does that need a qualifying noun or no?) and perform in Cirque du Soleil. Emily of course has a breakdown because her fiancé was a racer, and you know that poor girl will be shocked at how she didn't read in her contract well enough to realize that producers had the right to exploit her tragedy.