We’re entering hour 60 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta hostage crisis. Apparently, Andy Cohen intends to squeeze every drop of drama of the franchise. After the entire crazy fight from the first reunion episode, the ladies had to sit there for at least four more hours to film content for two more one-hour reunion segments and this episode that features unseen footage. It’s mostly B-roll material, including a few dropped storylines and what seems like contractual obligations to show certain moments. The one thing it does do is cement Kenya Moore’s place as the center of the show. She’s not the most forthcoming but she does seem to be the only one having fun at this point. She also continues to give some of the best lines on the show.
Kenya vs. Porsha: Revisited
Time flies in the realm of housewives. In the week since Porsha Williams (fmr Stewart) gave her on-one-one interview with Andy, footage has been released of her giving a sermon with homophobic remarks. Porsha has since apologized. That’s most likely because she’s releasing her single “Flatline.” The gay community is one of the few actual “audiences” for Housewife songs. Meanwhile, this episode features fun and kooky moments with Kenya. She gives the best lines on the show and her props may be provocative but they’re funny. For example, she and Miss Lawrence Washington gab about Phaedra Parks. Kenya decides to give her a tiara and Lawrence gives the best Phaedra impression.
The Best Parts
The best parts of these clip shows are usually funny slice of life moments that remind us that these are real people and not drama machines. Phaedra Parks and Apollo Nida celebrate their birth of their son. Phaedra says they should have a naming ceremony because they are very popular in Africa and Nigeria… and The Lion King. If only, Dwight Eubanks did a theme party where they held up Mr. President! Kenya has a bizarre photoshoot for her own calendar. It features mostly half nude photos including the shocking booty shot from the opening credits. Who was her artistic director? Cynthia Bailey and The Bailey Agency despite Kenya’s ban after her “coochie crack” comments. There’s also a scene of NeNe Leakes and Kenya gossiping about boys in the car. It’s nice to see NeNe as an actual person. She really evolved, or devolved, into this shell spouting trite wannabe catch phrases. She seems to have had a scowl on her face all season.
It seems like the bulk of the footage has to do with things that must appear in the season. For example, for no apparent reason, Naya Rivera of Glee stops by to have a conversation with NeNe Leakes. She flashes her engagement ring and they don’t say much of note and it feels pretty wooden like an acting exercise rather than a real lunch. It’s pretty clear she wouldn’t agree to be on the show and then have Bravo not air the footage. Also unnecessarily added is a segment about Porsha’s friendship with Kandi Burruss. It’s a pretty blatant plug for all the products Porsha’s working on including a hair line, teeth whitening treatment, and her music career.
Let It Die
This episode featured a few extra moments from some of the most dramatic and boring storylines on the show. Cynthia’s daughter Noelle has a birthday party and introduces her boyfriend, Arthur, to her father Leon Robinson. Did you fall asleep? Natalie Macklin confronts Cynthia after the pajama party that turned into a brawl with sleepwear. Natalie accuses Cynthia of starting trouble because she is the one who used the word opportunist. And with that, she joined the roster of forgotten potential housewives including Kim G from New Jersey and Jennifer Gilbert from New York City.
There is also extra footage from the now overwrought beef between various cast members. Momma Joyce gets a few more digs at Todd Tucker during their dinner and guilt trips her daughter during therapy. There are more misogynistic statements from Chuck Smith to Phaedra as about their past relationship. He had already said enough horrible things when he said she was “part of the team.” Then he manages to be smug and disparage Apollo’s character while also telling Phaedra that he was mentoring her. These scenes just feel like they’re just pouring salt on old wounds.
Kenya: Behind the Props
Kenya stops by for a one-on-one with Andy. She proves she’s eloquent and savvy about her presence on the show. She definitely seems cagey about her African prince and some aspects of her personal life, but given the number of people who have lost relationships on Bravo it may be for the best. She brings up some valid points about her fight with Porsha. Porsha was the first one to throw out threats, the first one to stand up, and generally unapologetic. Also, she was accused for starting the pajama brawl for standing up but Porsha did the same thing. Regardless of how annoying Kenya can be, Andy is as much an instigator as she is during the reunions. Also, no one deserves to be hit no matter how much they are provoked.
Real Houselines of Atlanta
"I never thought I was a lesbian but Kenya is looking oh so sexy." – Cynthia
"I’m trying to be nice. I am trying to buy some of this woman’s beads so she can afford a hotel room at the Holiday Inn." – Kenya after her fight with Malorie Massie
"When your man lives many continents away you have to learn how to keep it fresh. And you might have to open up your computer screen and uncross your legs sometimes." – Kenya on Skype
"I must remain a lady at all times and I do not kiss and tell. But what I can say? If I do kiss something, it is not small." – Kenya
"He’s gonna need a wax." – Phaedra on her baby’s hair
This episode has everything you’d want from an episode of Housewives: drama, crying, shade, and drag queens. There has never been so much drama and designer clothes in one mansion since Dynasty. The ladies were reeling from their binge drinking fighting the prior day. They decide to make breakfast and have a little light conversation. But really, they are just playing storyline volleyball. Because, after all, what kind of housewife are you if you don’t have your own storyline for the reunion?
Mynique Smith, angling to be a regular on the show, asks everyone really graphic questions. Mynique, do you really need to know if Kandi Burruss is having phone sex? Somehow phone sex brings up a whole bunch of secrets about Porsha Stewart’s life ... she has a tattoo and had a piercing on her hello kitty. She also had a miscarriage. Way to keep it light for brunch, ladies. Not to be undone, Mynique brings up NeNe Leakes' cancelled sitcom The New Normal. Then Cynthia Bailey makes the biggest mistake of her life: she interrupts NeNe. Cynthia, don’t you know she will try and kill you like she's murdered the English language all episode? The producers have thrown their own shade by providing subtitles for NeNe’s dialogue.
NeNe does not like to be challenged, so starts yelling at Cynthia and mocks her parenting. She mentions teenage girls twerking which sends Phaedra Parks into a cackle. Cynthia bursts into tears and heads to her room. That’s what you get when you try to steal the spotlight, Cynthia! Kenya Moore pops in to console her and quickly changes the subject to her absentee mother. The crying daisy chain continues as Porsha becomes overwhelmed about missing her lost stepchildren and ends up crying in her room. NeNe consoles both Cynthia and Porsha but not before throwing a little shade first. She even convinces Porsha to text Kordell, the man who alerted his wife about their divorce on Twitter. NeNe is proving to be a mastermind. If she is going to stay on Real Housewives of Atlanta, she wants to make sure she’s the show runner so it doesn’t get canceled.
The girls prepare for a night out and ... a southern feast? What goes better with drag queens than a five-course southern meal? The ladies gussy up, drink, forgive each other, drink. NeNe sends Kenya to go make peace with Phaedra. Phaedra ignores Kenya and just continues pumping her breast. It looks like Phaedra is matching Kenya’s flip fan with her breast pump because she is definitely throwing mother’s milk shade.
The ladies check out the drag show featuring Mother Chablis and a very drunk NeNe. Miss Chablis teaching Mynique a lesson in reading. Then the ladies return home to binge eat. Not to be undone by everyone else’s drama, Kandi asks everyone if they would be interested in starring in her musical. It’s met with jeers and then an uninvited houseguest enters. Is it Kim Zolciak? Is it a ghost? Nope, it’s a roach. The ladies lose it and Kenya and Porsha have a détente and kill the roach together. NeNe tops off the night by attacking Porsha’s character and then the ladies hug and celebrate their love.
Shades of Glory
You just don’t need to come face to face with a vagina like that ... it’s not cute. - Porsha on nude webcam sessions.
Nene has had issues with her oldest son, so this is a do not judge lest you be judged situation. - Phaedra Parks on NeNe’s parenting.
Maybe you shouldn’t be having a conversation about her daughter? - Kandi to NeNe
I don’t know if they think in their minds this [crying] makes a good trip but it actually sucks. - NeNe
I don’t need to troll around the prison yard for a man. - Kenya
NeNe is with all of her girls tonight. She looks like them. She has the adam’s apple, the big knees, the big feet ... but I don’t think she tucks though. - Kenya
I’ve done some plays ... it was a lot of work. – NeNe on starring in Kandi’s play.
Oh yes ... Liquid Gold. - Phaedra about her milk.
You got to bury her chile, because she’s going to die over Noelle. - NeNe about Cynthia
This episode was all about fights: the fights of Housewives past, Housewives present, and Housewives fights yet to be. It seems like everyone has something they are intending to fight about and we’ll only see what happens with that.
Kandi Burruss is still dealing with the fight with her mother. She is rushing to make sure there’s more photos of her mother, Momma Joyce, to appease The Ghost of Weaves Past. She enlists the help of her assistant Carmon, who may be fighting with the person who does titles on the show. I always thought her name was Carmen.
NeNe Leakes has a lunch date with her friends Chuck and Mynique. There she drops a few bombshells. She wants the couple to start hanging out with the Housewives cast, especially since Chuck dated Kandi and may or may not have had oral pleasure from Phaedra Parks. According to NeNe, Phadrea’s not only a lawyer but a “head doctor.” It looks like NeNe has secured some drama to fight about either at the upcoming girl's trip or on the Reunion.
Phaedra is back from Alabama. She’s also still in a passive aggressive fight with her husband, Apollo Nida. He apologizes again and they seem to have a détente. They are committed to making things work ... for now.
Kandi gets all of the girls together for the biggest fight of all, the battle of the bulge. She has them do “Cardio Cabaret,” which doesn’t seem to be much of a calorie burner since none of the ladies break a sweat. Kenya Moore also points out that Phaedra is having a fight with her belt of her workout outfit baby weight. NeNe brings up the idea of the girls going on a free trip provided by Bravo girl’s bonding trip. They decide to go to Savannah.
Cynthia Bailey is fighting to stay on the show. She has literally enlisted her entire family including her ex-husband, actor Leon Robinson. Her daughter Noelle’s first relationship is getting pimped out for all of America. What better way to empower your daughter with good values than to broadcast her first relationship on Bravo?
Porsha Stewart is fighting health issues. She fainted and went to the hospital. She mentioned a condition where not enough blood goes to her brain. She also said she was very dehydrated. Hopefully, she didn’t “forget to eat” with all the pressure of her divorce.
Kenya Moore reconnects with her mother figure, her Aunt Lori. She brings up children and shares her concerns about fertility and her relationship with her African Prince of e-mail scam fame. She has a breakthrough that many of her poor choices with men and catchphrases are due to her nonexistent relationship with her mother.
The literal mother of all fights happens at Kandi’s wedding gown consultation. Carmon is there and Momma Joyce shows up in a Glamour t-shirt with her two sisters. Joyce is disagreeable and quickly starts grumbling mean digs about the wedding. Carmon questions why Joyce would even show up and Joyce hops up to attack. When Kandi comes out, in a lovely wedding dress, Joyce’s minions sisters say that Carmon attacked first. Kandi leaves to try on another dress and the fight escalates to Joyce getting up with her shoe to attack Carmon. Her shoe! That isn’t very glamorous behavior, Joyce.
It’s worth mentioning that Momma Joyce got bent out of shape when Phaedra hired a stripper for Kandi’s birthday. Kandi has a line of sex toys. Yet, a couple years later she is thrilled to get into fisticuffs in a bridal gown showroom. With that double-standard for violence and sex, she may want to consider working for the MPAA. Burn!
This may just be the tip of the iceberg because as we all know: When Housewives travel together, things get crazy fast.
This week’s episode was all about maternal affairs. The ratchet lovely ladies of Atlanta wanted to showcase their best mommy moments. Pity this episode was after Thanksgiving and not Mother’s Day, because there are very few things we are thankful for because it was boring. When episodes spend multiple scenes recapping things that happened in earlier episodes, they waste valuable time for reading, fights, and shade. Hear that, Bravo?
Kenya Moore introduces the mother of all boring storylines to the mother of all Fashion Queens, Miss Lawrence Washington. Kenya is still bringing up her eviction and singing off-key impromptu songs about nothing. She also wastes valuable screen-time bringing up the fight Apollo Nida and Phaedra Parks are having.
Cynthia Bailey tells NeNe Leaks the mother of all lies. "This is a farmer’s market and it has all kinds of stuff." They walk into a typical grocery store where they purchase items like Swiss Cake Rolls, 4-for-5-dollar pizzas, and Hot Pockets. Then Cynthia introduces her pitiful storyline: her 13-year-old daughter, Noelle, has a boyfriend. So she decides to have the boy and his mother stop by. What follows is so boring it will make you fall asl…
Porsha Stewart is considering moving out of her mother’s house. But the major hurdle is her financial dependence on love for her mother.
Kandi Burruss is doing her best impression of a Stepford wife. She sets up an elaborate meal for her fiancé, Todd Tucker, that includes multiple baked goods. She recounts her fight with her mother, Momma Joyce, to her best friend Carmen. She explains that her mother even accused Carmen of cheating with Todd. Carmen does not seem too trustworthy. It could be the editing, music, multiple side-eyes, or the HUGE gash on her face. Was she cut for talking to another woman’s man?
The meal with Momma Joyce arrives. Joyce comes in swinging throwing out accusations at Carmen and Todd. She starts complaining about her lack of pictures in the house. She flat-out calls Todd an opportunist. He coolly responds with “None of this impresses me.” Isn't that an insult to his prospective wife? Then Momma Joyce channels Diana Ross's worst impersonator by wailing, “Ain’t no river high enough, ain’t no ocean deep enough, ain’t no dessert hot enough to keep me off your ass, baby!”
The best mother of the episode by far is ... Phaedra Parks?!? Despite going to Alabama for a study group she still brings her nanny newborn baby, Mr. President. She also is still in the thick of a fight with Apollo but she politely declines speaking to him rather than fighting on camera or in front of her child. Then she attends a study group and legitimately study. Go, Phaedra!
Mother of All Phaedra Lines
(to Amber’s Face) Well baby, you thick like a porkchop.
(Behind Amber’s Back) Big Booty Amber is alright by me she obviously hadn’t missed any red beans and rice or gravy. She’s thick with it.
Mother of All Supermarket Reads
She needs some carrots for her eyes.