Summit via Everett Collection
You can imagine that Renny Harlin, director and one quadrant of the writing team for The Legend of Hercules, began his pitch as such: We'll start with a war, because lots of these things start with wars. It feels like this was the principal maxim behind a good deal of the creative choices in this latest update of the Ancient Greek myth. There are always horse riding scenes. There are generally arena battles. There are CGI lions, when you can afford 'em. Oh, and you've got to have a romantic couple canoodling at the base of a waterfall. Weaving them all together cohesively would be a waste of time — just let the common threads take form in a remarkably shouldered Kellan Lutz and action sequences that transubstantiate abjectly to and fro slow-motion.
But pervading through Lutz's shirtless smirks and accent continuity that calls envy from Johnny Depp's Alice in Wonderland performance is the obtrusive lack of thought that went into this picture. A proverbial grab bag of "the basics" of the classic epic genre, The Legend of Hercules boasts familiarity over originality. So much so that the filmmakers didn't stop at Hercules mythology... they barely started with it, in fact. There's more Jesus Christ in the character than there is the Ancient Greek demigod, with no lack of Gladiator to keep things moreover relevant. But even more outrageous than the void of imagination in the construct of Hercules' world is its script — a piece so comically dim, thin, and idiotic that you will laugh. So we can't exactly say this is a totally joyless time at the movies.
Summit via Everett Collection
Surrounding Hercules, a character whose arc takes him from being a nice enough strong dude to a nice enough strong dude who kills people and finally owns up to his fate — "Okay, fine, yes, I guess I'm a god" — are a legion of characters whose makeup and motivations are instituted in their opening scenes and never change thereafter. His de facto stepdad, the teeth-baring King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins), despises the boy for being a living tribute to his supernatural cuckolding; his half-brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is the archetypical scheming, neutered, jealous brother figure right down to the facial scar. The dialogue this family of mongoloids tosses around is stunningly brainless, ditto their character beats. Hercules can't understand how a mystical stranger knows his identity, even though he just moments ago exited a packed coliseum chanting his name. Iphicles defies villainy and menace when he threatens his betrothed Hebe (Gaia Weiss), long in love with Hercules, with the terrible fate of "accepting [him] and loving [their] children equally!" And the dad... jeez, that guy must really be proud of his teeth.
With no artistic feat successfully accomplished (or even braved, really) by this movie, we can at the very least call it inoffensive. There is nothing in The Legend of Hercules with which to take issue beyond its dismal intellect, and in a genre especially prone to regressive activity, this is a noteworthy triumph. But you might not have enough energy by the end to award The Legend of Hercules with this superlative. Either because you'll have laughed yourself into a coma at the film's idiocy, or because you'll have lost all strength trying to fend it off.
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S10E8: I’ll admit, mine and Ryan Seacrest’s buildups to the first Hollywood week episode were a little over the top, but don’t even try and tell me you weren’t the least bit stoked. The first Hollywood episode always goes quickly; it’s the sudden death round. In case you’re an Idol newbie, the sudden death round entails 10 contestants taking the stage together, each singing a few bars of a song of their choice a capella, receiving no feedback and then either getting a thumbs up or a thumbs down. By the end of the episode half of the contestants are let go and this process was made difficult by the fact that this year the kinder, gentler Idol sent double the usual number of contestants to Hollywood. That’s funny, because I’m pretty sure they still only have 12 final spots. Why would they make their job so much more difficult?
That’s all folks; they continue or get cut loose. Unfortunately for us viewers that means the judges’ antics were kept in check this round, which left a few of our contestants to pick up the slack.
“This is where…the men from the boys and the women from the girls.” –JLo
Apparently Jennifer was so excited she forgot part of that sentence, but it’s definitely an exciting time. First up was Brett Lowenstien with the crazy red hair and the newfound self-esteem. Luckily for those of us who were fans from the start, Brett kept it going with a soulful rendition of “Let It Be.” Of course he got to continue and his surprisingly robust voice continued to wow the judges (and me).
Also making it through were a few of my other favorites; fifteen year old Thia Megia with a voice well beyond her years and Casey Abrams (who you may remember as Seth Rogen/Fraggle Rock guy) with voice that skirts a line between jazz and rock. These two and young Rachel Zavia from New York made it through with flying colors, though personally, I was underwhelmed by Zevia’s second audition. She simply didn’t have the strength and presence of the others, but we’ll see if that changes as Hollywood Week continues.
“Maybe people will look at me like I’m looking at these mountains.” –Victoria Huggins
I feel a little bad for this girl, because I feel like she was sort of set up. She’s an alright singer, but her chipmunk voice is frankly a little unpleasant to listen to; not to mention when she’s not singing she’s like a human girl version of SpongeBob Squarepants and I just can’t take it. Couple those winning factors with the girl’s fierce narcissism and her pageant style showboating onstage and we all knew she was going home. Even if she’s got the pipes, there is no way America would have gotten behind her.
“I don’t think there was much hope. You had to have a spectacular voice.” –Stormi Henley
Well, former Miss Teen USA Stormi Henley may not have a spectacular singing voice, but at least she’s got a good enough head on her shoulders to know when to call it a day and move on. She was one of four people who we’ve seen before in the audition round, but she was the only face who didn’t make. She was right though, her voice just wasn’t strong enough.
Those who were strong enough were Paris Tassin (who has a disabled daughter), James Durbin (whose tragic past was explained last night in San Francisco) and Lauren Alaina (who is doing Idol for her ill cousin). All three sang fairly well, though I’m not sure about Paris. She sang “My Heart Will Go On” (yes, really) and to be honest, it wasn’t the best we’ve heard. Meanwhile James hit his crazy high notes again, and while it’s impressive, it’s not exactly pleasant to listen to. The only person I’m getting behind here is Lauren, whose strong bluesy voice reminds me of early Kelly Clarkson, who if you remember correctly was the first ever Idol. This isn’t a prediction, but I’m just saying, it could happen.
“This is where it could all change or it could all stay the same.” – Chris Medina
The saintly Chris Medina came back to improve on his last performance, which was sweet but this one blew it out of the water. We didn’t really get a chance to see the pipes he was rocking, but this time around he proved that he needs to be here.
While some folks were choking under the pressure, three more favorites were hitting it out of the park. Fifteen year old Jacee Badeaux with the voice of an angel kept the magic going, Robbie Rosen from Long Island, New York made Steven break his vow of silence with an involuntary “Yaow!”, and Brit-turned-Texan Hollie Cavanaugh redeemed her so-so performance from the Austin auditions. Needless to say, these three will be returning next week.
“Isn’t it the saddest thing in the world?” –Casey Abrams
On the not-so-lucky side of things, we saw a slew of familiar faces get the boot. Steve Beguhn, the giant accountant with the voice I questioned during auditions didn’t improve on his original shot and was sent home. Also sent packing were Jaqueline Dupree whose voice was alright, but brought her uncle and Randy’s former football coach to tip the scales; Sarah Sellars whose voice was alright, but whose lips were of particular interest to Steven; and Heidi Kazaam who only made it because she was a hot belly dancer with a tiny, adequate voice.
“Are you just washed out emotionally because you’ve been here for 10 years?” –Nick Fink (to Ryan Seacrest)
Oh young love. Idol sure has a way of forcing into an awkward box. They paired exes Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks with the unrealistically cheery couple Nick Fink and Jaqueline Dunford when choosing where the contestants would bunk up in the hotel. Can you say cruel?
Both Rob and Chelsee are great singers so they made it through, which means Idol will just continue to put them in situations that make Rob uncomfortable, though Chelsee seems unaware of how awful this proximity is for her ex. This was all in good awkward fun, but the real fireworks flew when Nick and Jaqueline auditioned together in matching outfits and only one of them made it through. Nick’s small range and so-so voice were sent home while Jaqeuline made it through. Instead of, oh I don’t know, supporting his girl’s success, Nick went off the handle continuing to beg the judges and singing as he walked down the aisle before insulting Ryan with that quote about his emotional capacity. Dude, you suck. Truly. How about you stop whining and support your fucking girlfriend. Ass.
“How could this girl from the Bronx, the birthplace of hip hop, fall in love with a country singer?” –JLo
Of course this means that audience favorite Scott McCreery of the crazy deep country voice made it through despite recycling the same tune for audition number two. Also making it through on their old charms were Jackie Wilson (remember, she had the really old boyfriend?) and the babely Jerome Bell.
The Jersey Shore star-bra girl was back, this time dressed appropriately and tooting her own horn. Despite her personality flaws her range can’t really be denied. Jennifer questioned her personality, as did the rest of us, but she still made it through while the sweet kid from the Bronx, Travis Orlando, was sent home with his sweet, but smaller voice.
Lastly, before we move on and prep for next week, Idol gave us a little list of other names who made it through to the end (so your favorite may still make it!). Clint Gamboa, Julie Zorilla, Stefano Langone, and Emily Anne Reed from San Francisco will all be back as will Naima Adedapo and Mary DeWolf Swenson from Milwaukee, crazy Ashley Sullivan from New Jersey and the adorable Gutierrez brothers from the Los Angeles auditions.
Now that these folks have made it, things are only going to get crazier, more emotional, and more heartbreaking as we continue towards finally crowning the top 12.