Twilight’s contentious “Edward vs. Jacob” debate was finally settled at the close of 2009‘s New Moon the second episode of Stephenie Meyers’ supernatural teen harlequin saga when plaintive emo hottie Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) definitively rejected the advances of Taylor Lautner’s musclebound man-wolf in favor of Robert Pattinson’s brooding vampire.
Or so we thought. Twilight’s fateful love triangle is revived in earnest by Eclipse part three of the series and this time the implications are serious -- relatively speaking of course. Taking over the helm from New Moon director Chris Weitz is David Slade (30 Days of Night Hard Candy) who adds a hefty dose of action to Twilight’s trademark mix of soaring romance and manic melodrama making Eclipse the first film in the saga in which -- get this -- something actually happens.
Indeed action is a primary theme of Eclipse. Like most high school seniors Bella wants some; her pasty paramour Edward Cullen however remains stubbornly chaste and not just because the briefest exposure to his unbridled vampire lust would almost certainly kill his all-too-human sweetheart. You see chivalrous Edward hails “from a different era ” one in which the institution of marriage meant everything and a man took care to mount a proper courtship before marrying a girl nearly a century his junior. (He’s 109 years old.) He asks her to marry him; she agrees but only if he’ll turn her into a vampire first; he hesitates pondering the unalterable consequences; the matter is tabled and heavy petting resumes. (This exchange is repeated ad nauseam throughout the remainder of the film.)
The constant fawning and unwavering devotion from impossibly beautiful Edward aren’t enough to sate Bella’s thirst -- she needs validation like a vampire needs blood -- and so she uses the flimsiest of pretexts to re-insert herself into the life of Jacob Black the sensitive werewolf she previously shunned who dutifully plies her with his own declarations of undying love. (Jacob to his credit has developed enough game since we last saw him to qualify as a serious contender for Bella’s affections and is no longer the devoted doormat we saw in New Moon. He’s still a tool though.) Game on.
But Edward and Jacob aren’t the only ones with designs on Bella. (Seriously are there no other hot emo chicks in the greater Pacific Northwest?) A ginger-haired menace (Bryce Dallas Howard) has emerged one that will require Edward’s vampire clan and Jacob’s wolfpack tribe longtime enemies forever on the verge of a climactic battle (in which Bella will serve as the jeans-and-hoodie-clad Helen of Troy no doubt) to put aside their differences and unite against a common enemy. In order to ensure Bella’s safety Edward and Jacob must form an uneasy tag-team (no not that kind of tag team much as it would likely better serve to resolve matters) to keep Bella safe from harm.
With its amped-up action sharpened wit and darker horror flick-inspired atmospherics Eclipse boasts the broadest appeal of all the Twilight films thus far. But that doesn’t mean it’s good. Director Slade’s grasp of plot development borders on amateurish in this film; Eclipse often feels less like a movie than a weighty discourse on the pros and cons of vampiredom laid out in lengthy exhaustingly repetitive chunks of exposition and awkward campy flashbacks as just about every character in the film including Edward attempts to dissuade Bella from joining the ranks of the bloodsuckers.
But alas no force no matter how utterly rational its arguments will keep Bella from her destiny. Which obviously is Edward. Or is it? Eclipse goes to great pains to invent ways to perpetuate the film’s romantic rivalry inserting scenes like the one in which Bella on the verge of freezing to death in a tent high up in the mountains is saved when Jacob arrives to heroically spoon her body temperature back to its proper level. (Eclipse is being hyped as the first “guy-friendly” Twilight flick but no film which includes a climactic spooning scene can rightly claim such a distinction.) Edward meanwhile with his poor vampire circulation is powerless to help.
Who will win in the end? Will it be abs over eyes? Obviously it will take two more movies (at least!) to solve this kind of wrenching dilemma.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT?
Three groomsmen take their friend on a bachelor party to Las Vegas only to wake up in a post-drunken stupor the next morning with no memory of what occurred the night before. With an abandoned baby crying in their hotel suite’s closet a roaming tiger in their bathroom and a completely AWOL groom their lives suddenly become very complicated as they try to put the pieces of their “Boys Gone Wild” night together and find their friend before the wedding bells start to ring.
WHO’S IN IT?
The Hangover features a smart cast of deft comic actors who try to make the most of a terrific premise with mixed results. Bradley Cooper is winning as Phil a smartass high school teacher out for a good time with his buds. Ed Helms (The Office) is also quite funny as Stu a pussy-whipped dentist who doesn’t normally stray far from his own overbearing girlfriend (Rachael Harris). The hip alternative comedian Zach Galifianakis comes off Jack Black-like and seems confused on just how far over-the-top to take Alan a rather gross unkempt brother-in-law to be for the groom. As the missing husband-to-be Doug Justin Bartha doesn’t have a whole lot to do because for most of the running time he’s uh missing. Heather Graham brings a sweet relaxed quality as a stripper who hooks up with Stu but Ken Jeong overplays it as a fast-talking foul-mouthed low-life criminal who claims the gang owes him $80 000. In a clever bit of casting former boxer Mike Tyson also turns up for some action but proves that as an actor he’s not a heavyweight.
The pitch for The Hangover from screenwriters Jon Lucas and Scott Moore (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past Four Christmases) must have gone over like gangbusters. It’s a hilarious premise and the early scenes setting it all up are priceless. The hard R-rated tone of the crude dialogue will certainly satisfy the young beer-swigging male demographic the film aims to please.
Bottom line is that as good as the idea is it’s played out as sort of a one-joke premise over the course of 99 minutes without ever seeming truly inspired. Guys get wasted and try to find out why. That’s about it. Plus the screenwriters and director Todd Phillips (Old School) throw their credibility card out the window in ridiculous scenes with taser-crazy cops hyped-up Asian mobsters and stereotypes run amok. It’s funny to a point but it could have been classic.
Seeing the three guys waking up to find the tiger and the baby can’t be beat but most of this funny stuff is in the Hangover trailer that’s been running for weeks.
BEST REASON TO STAY THROUGH THE CREDITS?
A still montage that finally pays off the whole movie and shows what each of the guys did on the fateful night is a riot. The final image involving Galifianakis and a certain unidentified woman on her knees makes you wonder how they got it past the ratings board without being slapped with an NC-17.
NETFLIX OR MULTIPLEX?
Either way. This is the ideal six-pack frat-boy movie that MUST be seen with a large group of slobs.