It's that time again, the MTV Movie Awards nominations are out and once again, we can marvel at the ridiculous categories that the network formerly known as Music Television dreamed up. This awards show is like the spring break of film awards. After all the sincerity and somber ceremonies during the awards season, this is the one where Howard Stern might show up in ass-less chaps or two actresses might kiss onstage when they get an award; it's also the one that isn't afraid to hire a legitimate comedian to host the dang thing so we might laugh instead of looking at James Franco and Anne Hathaway like they must have lost their minds. The comedian this year is SNL's Jason Sudeikis -- or Floyd (sigh) if you're a die-hard 30 Rock fan.
Most importantly, it's the ceremony where viewers can actually participate in what movie gets which moonman because everything is determined by online voting -- granted, it's not like we're looking at the best of cinema across all categories for this thing. This of course means that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse will probably win everything because fan girls are stationed noon and night voting to make sure the Edward and Bella kiss beats the Jacob and Bella kiss for the "Best Kiss" award. Well, let's get these nominations lined up so you can start figuring how who to vote for.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
The Social Network
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Female Performance
Emma Stone, Easy A
Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Male Performance
Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Zac Efron, Charlie St. Cloud
Best Breakout Star
Andrew Garfield, The Social Network
Chloë Grace Moretz, Kick-Ass
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Jay Chou, The Green Hornet
Olivia Wilde, TRON: Legacy
Xavier Samuel, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Comedic Performance
Adam Sandler, Just Go With It
Ashton Kutcher, No Strings Attached
Emma Stone, Easy A
Russell Brand, Get Him to the Greek
Zach Galifianakis, Due Date
Best Line From A Movie
Alexys Nycole Sanchez, Grown Ups:
"I want to get chocolate wasted."
Amanda Bynes and Emma Stone, Easy A:
Amanda Bynes: "There is a higher power that will judge you for your indecency." Emma Stone: "Tom Cruise?"
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network:
"If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook."
Justin Timberlake and Andrew Garfield, The Social Network:
Justin Timberlake: "... A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool?" Andrew Garfield: "A billion dollars. And that shut everybody up."
Tom Hardy, Inception:
"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling."
Christoph Waltz, The Green Hornet
Leighton Meester, The Roommate
Mickey Rourke, Iron Man 2
Ned Beatty, Toy Story 3
Tom Felton, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Amy Adams vs. The Sisters, The Fighter
Chloë Grace Moretz vs. Mark Strong, Kick-Ass
Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint vs. Death Eaters, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Joseph Gordon-Levitt vs. Hallway Attacker, Inception
Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Inception
Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, Black Swan
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment
James Franco, 127 Hours, Cuts Off His Arm
Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, Performance Spectacular
Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page, Inception, Paris Café Scene
Natalie Portman, Black Swan, Mutilation: Pulls the Skin off Her Finger
Steve-O, Jackass 3D, Port-A-Potty Bungee Stunt
Best Scared-As-Sh-- Performance
Ashley Bell, The Last Exorcism
Ellen Page, Inception
Jessica Szohr, Piranha 3D
Minka Kelly, The Roommate
Ryan Reynolds, Buried
Biggest Badass Star
Alex Pettyfer, I Am Number Four
Chloë Grace Moretz, Kick-Ass
Jaden Smith, The Karate Kid
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Inception
Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man 2
The MTV Movie Awards air Sunday, June 5. Voting ends June, 4, except for best movie which ends right before the award is given out on June 5.
If no one kills themselves while watching Little Fockers this weekend it will be a Christmas miracle. Sure there have been some bad films so far this year but none will make you long for the merciful touch of the Grim Reaper upon your shoulder like the latest entrant in the Meet the Parents saga. And this is coming from someone who actually enjoys the original film (and reluctantly tolerates the second).
Looking on the sunny side of things however at least Little Fockers is the best alien invasion film of 2010. I mean that is the narrative here right? Pod people have taken over the lives of the Fockers and the Byrnes replacing their once moderately charming attempts at bumbling-based comedy with some kind of extra-terrestrial anti-comedy designed to test the patience of normal human beings. That's the only rational defense of the film I can think of. Surely no one who actually lives on planet Earth thinks that you can fashion a complete motion picture — particularly one starring Robert De Niro Ben Stiller Teri Polo Blythe Danner Owen Wilson Harvey Keitel Laura Dern and yes even Jessica Alba — out of nothing but a chain that interlinks the most face-palming no-one-acts-like-that misunderstandings possible with repeated fart barf and penis humor.
Grandpa Jack (De Niro) is getting to be an old man so he tells son-in-law Gaylord Focker that he needs to take over as the Godfocker. This piece of information is the alien code word that turns the previously-normal Gaylord into Pod Person Gaylord. He instantly begins to act out of character deciding for no clear reason that his twin five-year olds who have a fast-approaching birthday must now attend a prestigious private school that is way out of the family's budget. Pod Gaylord then decides to give in to pharmaceutical representative Jessica Alba's flirting and become a spokesperson for an erectile dysfunction drug.
Meanwhile Owen Wilson has re-entered the lives of the Fockers as Pod Kevin a world-travelling philosophically-confused twit whom everyone worships for no apparent reason. Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman are back as well as Roz and Bernie Focker with the former now being the host of a talk show about sex toys and the latter suffering from a bout of "manopause" that finds him in Spain learning to be a World Class flamenco dancer. How does the re-integration of these three characters pay off exactly? Well Grandpa Jack wants to convince his daughter and happily married mother of his two grandchildren to divorce Pod Gaylord and marry Pod Kevin. Pod Roz's free-spirited theories about sex result in Pod Grandpa Jack getting an erection for five-and-a-half hours (and don't think for a second you'll be spared the image of an erect penis in Robert De Niro's pants). As for Bernie Focker ... well that one's tricky. As near as I can tell the only reason his character is conceived as being obsessed with the flamenco is so he can later inexplicably dance with a jiggly bra-clad Jessica Alba for approximately six seconds.
I'd apologize for that being a poor summary of the premise of Little Fockers but it's sadly an incredibly accurate one. There's no plot here. It's just a collection of scenes that ineptly fit together solely because they have the same people in them. And if this material is what passes for a feature film I cannot even fathom what the deleted scenes on the DVD will look like.
The crime here isn't even the bad (and often childish) jokes it's that all of the adults involved appear to have suddenly forgotten how to tell jokes at all. Words just tumble out of the actors' mouths never ever finding purchase with the audience. But that's okay because as soon as one gag arrives stillborn director Paul Weitz (who is taking over for previous series auteur Jay Roach) and screenwriters John Hamburg and Larry Stuckey will break their necks trying to turn their attention to the next bit of hilarity. And the most astounding thing — the clincher that will make you want to stick a gun in your mouth — is that despite running from scene-to-scene as fast as possible Little Fockers feels like it's never going to end. You may think that it'll be passable light entertainment at just 98 minutes but you dangerously forget that these are 98 minutes of alien anti-comedy which equate to over 9000 minutes of human failure.