Glee's much anticipated 100th episode saw the return of Heather Morris and Dianna Agron, as well as guest stars Kristin Chenoweth and Gwyneth Paltrow. And Chace Crawford was also there, because why not? It was a fairly solid episode, with a lot of emotions and just the right amount of the ridiculousness we've come to expect. Here are the 100 craziest things that happened in the episode.
1. This episode begins with self-satisfied voiceovers from Mercedes and Rachel, which seems about right.
2. They then fight over "The Rachel Chair," which is apparently a thing.
3. Mercedes makes a reference to segregation because she didn't get the "Rachel Chair," and it seems kind of inappropriate, contextually.
4. Dianna Agron tries to look like she's okay with being back on Glee.
5. Glee, mocking Mr. Schuester's rapping does not make the fact that it happened okay.
6. And you should probably make fun of his dancing and general smugness, too.
7. The super folksy April Rhodes (Chenoweth) is back.
8. April taught the Terrible Tina to smuggle meat up her dress. What?
9. Awesome, Glee. April's island doesn't have any pesky destitute locals in it.
10. She also makes a joke about Unique being a virgin, and it is not even close to funny.
11. Someone finally acknowledges that The Warblers are superior to the New Directions.
12. Glee is so used to autotuning everything that Kristin Chenoweth's voice sounds like a robot's. Guys, she can sing.
13. "Raise Your Glass" involves humping, fake drinking, fake (?) drunkenness, lots of other things that should not fly at McKinley High.
14. April slaps Mr. Schue's butt, and no one seems to have a problem with it.
15. Puck says his nickname at school was The Saw. Is this a thing?
16. Chace Crawford's character is named Biff McIntosh.
17. He is apparently the owner of all McIntosh apples.
18. And he calls his mother "mother."
19. Brittany works at MIT now.
20. She also misses scissoring Santana. Risky, Glee.
21. Santana keeps trying to make "The Unholy Trinity" a thing.
22. Despite lots of sexy poses behind tinted glass, "Toxic" is pretty low energy.
23. Chace A.K.A. Biff calls the performance energetic, so he really wasn't paying attention.
24. Even the worst boyfriend in the world would probably watch his girlfriend perform a sexy three-way dance number in front of him. Come on, Biff.
25. Then again, Quinn's curly bang situation distracts from her lingerie.
26. Santana twerks, and that also seems inappropriate.
27. There are way too many characters on this show right now.
28. The fact that Quinn and Santana recently hooked up is not mentioned even one bit.
29. Fondue for Two, the best part of Glee, is back.
30. Brittany's cats make out.
31. Fondue for Two has become a lot more hard-hitting, and it works.
32. Mercedes and Rachel are having a diva-off.
33. Breadstix still appears to serve nothing but breadsticks.
34. "Mike Chang, Asian dancer."
35. Did anyone else forget about Quinn's Ryan Seacrest tattoo?
36. Sue does not make fun of Kristen Chenoweth's aggressive folksiness, which seems like a real missed opportunity.
37. Why does everyone think diva-offs are a real thing? I'm looking at you, Mr. Schue.
38. And poor Kurt gets pulled into the diva-off.
39. This episode is really into interior monologues.
40. Performing "Defying Gravity" (and Chenoweth's guest appearance) is pretty timely, considering Adele Dazeem.
41. Blaine appears, like, once on screen. Not cool.
42. He does, however, look very cute and proud of Kurt.
43. Kristin says "Defying Gravity" should be on Broadway. Ha. Ha. Broadway humor.
44. Mr. Schue says the glee club are all winners in such a simpering, unfortunate way that they are basically all losers for associating with him.
45. Brittany organizes a human chess game.
46. Because nerds love chess, guys.
47. Kiki, the alternative to Siri that Brittany found in a dumpster, is back.
48. Suddenly, McKinley has a giant chess board.
49. "The one thing this country needs more of is teen marriage."
50. Santana holds a dance intervention to "Valerie" to get Brittany to stop making the huge career mistake of working at MIT (?).
51. It succeeds.
52. Heather Morris is still so good at dancing.
53. She can really work a pony-tail.
54. Everyone seems bent on convincing the newly brilliant Brittany that she needs to cover more songs to be happy.
55. In order to perform an acoustic guitar number, Puck decides everyone needs to move to the auditorium, which seems unnecessary.
56. Quinn has to hold her hand to her heart to show that she is experiencing emotion.
57. Everyone laughs a lot after singing "Keep Holding On" and jauntily walks away from Quinn, who is crying.
58. "I'm in love with Biff" is a sentence that is said seriously.
59. Kristin Chenoweth has a really big role in this episode. Maybe (hopefully) they are phasing out Marley.
60. Mr. Schuester says "no more drama," as though he isn't drawn to high school drama like a moth to a flame.
61. Would Mr. Schue die if the glee club ended? It seems possible. What would he do with all his time? Teach?
62. Kitty's expression shows that she is resigned to her fate as mini-Quinn.
63. Santana says, "Can it, troll!" to Rachel, and it is amazing.
64. It's okay, Rachel, we all forget Ryder's name too.
65. Rachel is in a diva-off with everyone.
66. If Rachel is so sick of high school drama, maybe she shouldn't have moved in with her high school frenemies.
67. Rachel equates her rivarly with Mercedes to that of Beyonce and Barbra? What?
68. Glee finally acknowledges the show's extravagant costumes and sets.
69. Bernie Madoff is part of a plot device. Topical.
70. Will Schuester is really disappointed by the flightlessness of April's super flighty character.
71. People in this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mac and cheese commercial dance better than some of Glee's performers.
72. Why is Quinn's Seacrest tattoo such a big deal? What about the pregnancy? The near death while texting and driving?
73. Chace A.K.A. Biff has no redeeming qualities.
74. Quinn violently pinches the bridge of Chace Crawford's nose.
75. On Mercedes and Rachel, all Jake has to say is that "one's black and one's Jewish," which is a hilarious "joke" on this "progressive" show.
76. Gwyneth Paltrow as Holly Holiday glides into the scene, because Kristin Chenoweth buttered the floor.
77. There's a Facebook page for guests of the glee club, which is hilarious.
78. Holly Holiday impersonates William Henry Harrison.
79. She also expresses how dumb it is that Glee is redoing old songs. Thank you.
80. So she performs Pharrell's "Happy."
81. She duets with Blaine, because they needed to include him somehow.
82. Puck has apparently loved Quinn all along.
83. Apparently, MIT squelches femininity and fun.
84. It's pretty easy to forget about Demi Lovato in this episode.
85. Marching music plays when Puck walks, because he is in the military.
86. Quinn and Puck twirl in slow motion.
87. Santana uses the charming expression "gives two poops."
88. Mike Chang remarks on the passage of time and fading of memories, because he is a character who needs lines.
89. Mr. Schue cries.
90. Everyone cries.
91. Holly Holiday says, "Go the way of the dodo," which is definitely something Gwyneth brought to the table.
92. Gwyneth Paltrow and Kristin Chenoweth are plotting, which is really scary.
93. Stop trying to make "Gleek" happen, Glee marketing department. It isn't going to happen.
94. Sue barely says anything biting in this whole episode.
95. Tina also doesn't say anything terrible, or anything at all really, so that's good.
96. There is basically no Klain at all, which is pretty unforgivable.
97. Looks like they'll be singing "Don't Stop Believing" next episode. Shocker.
98. Lilies are the lesbian of flowers, says Brittany.
99. Kurt is nostalgic and it's the cutest.
100. Mr. Schue says glee club is over. Cue the existential crisis.
Summit via Everett Collection
You can imagine that Renny Harlin, director and one quadrant of the writing team for The Legend of Hercules, began his pitch as such: We'll start with a war, because lots of these things start with wars. It feels like this was the principal maxim behind a good deal of the creative choices in this latest update of the Ancient Greek myth. There are always horse riding scenes. There are generally arena battles. There are CGI lions, when you can afford 'em. Oh, and you've got to have a romantic couple canoodling at the base of a waterfall. Weaving them all together cohesively would be a waste of time — just let the common threads take form in a remarkably shouldered Kellan Lutz and action sequences that transubstantiate abjectly to and fro slow-motion.
But pervading through Lutz's shirtless smirks and accent continuity that calls envy from Johnny Depp's Alice in Wonderland performance is the obtrusive lack of thought that went into this picture. A proverbial grab bag of "the basics" of the classic epic genre, The Legend of Hercules boasts familiarity over originality. So much so that the filmmakers didn't stop at Hercules mythology... they barely started with it, in fact. There's more Jesus Christ in the character than there is the Ancient Greek demigod, with no lack of Gladiator to keep things moreover relevant. But even more outrageous than the void of imagination in the construct of Hercules' world is its script — a piece so comically dim, thin, and idiotic that you will laugh. So we can't exactly say this is a totally joyless time at the movies.
Summit via Everett Collection
Surrounding Hercules, a character whose arc takes him from being a nice enough strong dude to a nice enough strong dude who kills people and finally owns up to his fate — "Okay, fine, yes, I guess I'm a god" — are a legion of characters whose makeup and motivations are instituted in their opening scenes and never change thereafter. His de facto stepdad, the teeth-baring King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins), despises the boy for being a living tribute to his supernatural cuckolding; his half-brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is the archetypical scheming, neutered, jealous brother figure right down to the facial scar. The dialogue this family of mongoloids tosses around is stunningly brainless, ditto their character beats. Hercules can't understand how a mystical stranger knows his identity, even though he just moments ago exited a packed coliseum chanting his name. Iphicles defies villainy and menace when he threatens his betrothed Hebe (Gaia Weiss), long in love with Hercules, with the terrible fate of "accepting [him] and loving [their] children equally!" And the dad... jeez, that guy must really be proud of his teeth.
With no artistic feat successfully accomplished (or even braved, really) by this movie, we can at the very least call it inoffensive. There is nothing in The Legend of Hercules with which to take issue beyond its dismal intellect, and in a genre especially prone to regressive activity, this is a noteworthy triumph. But you might not have enough energy by the end to award The Legend of Hercules with this superlative. Either because you'll have laughed yourself into a coma at the film's idiocy, or because you'll have lost all strength trying to fend it off.
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A kids’ movie without the cheeky jokes for adults is like a big juicy BLT without the B… or the T. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted may have a title that sounds like it was made up in a cartoon sequel laboratory but when it comes to serving up laughs just think of the film as a BLT with enough extra bacon to satisfy even the wildest of animals — or even a parent with a gaggle of tots in tow. Yes even with that whole "Afro Circus" nonsense.
It’s not often that we find exhaustively franchised films like the Madagascar set that still work after almost seven years. Despite being spun off into TV shows and Christmas specials in addition to its big screen adventures the series has not only maintained its momentum it has maintained the part we were pleasantly surprised by the first time around: great jokes.
In this third installment of the series – the trilogy-maker if you will – directing duo Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath add Conrad Vernon (director Monsters Vs. Aliens) to the helm as our trusty gang swings back into action. Alex the lion (Ben Stiller) Marty the zebra (Chris Rock) Gloria the hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith) and Melman the giraffe (David Schwimmer) are stuck in Africa after the hullaballoo of Madagascar 2 and they’ll do anything to get back to their beloved New York. Just a hop skip and a jump away in Monte Carlo the penguins are doing their usual greedy schtick but the zoo animals catch up with them just in time to catch the eye of the sinister animal control stickler Captain Dubois (Frances McDormand). And just like that the practically super human captain is chasing them through Monte Carlo and the rest of Europe in hopes of planting Alex’s perfectly coifed lion head on her wall of prized animals.
Luckily for pint-sized viewers Dubois’ terrifying presence is balanced out by her sheer inhuman strength uncanny guiles and Stretch Armstrong flexibility (ah the wonder of cartoons) as well as Alex’s escape plan: the New Yorkers run away with the European circus. While Dubois’ terrifying Doberman-like presence looms over the entire film a sense of levity (which is a word the kiddies might learn from Stiller’s eloquent lion) comes from the plan for salvation in which the circus animals and the zoo animals band together to revamp the circus and catch the eye of a big-time American agent. Sure the pacing throughout the first act is practically nonexistent running like a stampede through the jungle but by the time we're palling around under the big top the film finds its footing.
The visual splendor of the film (and man is there a champion size serving of it) the magnificent danger and suspense is enhanced to great effect by the addition of 3D technology – and not once is there a gratuitous beverage or desperate Crocodile Dundee knife waved in our faces to prove its worth. The caveat is that the soundtrack employs a certain infectious Katy Perry ditty at the height of the 3D spectacular so parents get ready to hear that on repeat until the leaves turn yellow.
But visual delights and adventurous zoo animals aside Madagascar 3’s real strength is in its script. With the addition of Noah Baumbach (Greenberg The Squid and the Whale) to the screenwriting team the script is infused with a heightened level of almost sarcastic gravitas – a welcome addition to the characteristically adult-friendly reference-heavy humor of the other Madagascar films. To bring the script to life Paramount enlisted three more than able actors: Vitaly the Siberian tiger (Bryan Cranston) Gia the Leopard (Jessica Chastain) and Stefano the Italian Sealion (Martin Short). With all three actors draped in European accents it might take viewers a minute to realize that the cantankerous tiger is one and the same as the man who plays an Albuquerque drug lord on Breaking Bad but that makes it that much sweeter to hear him utter slant-curse words like “Bolshevik” with his usual gusto.
Between the laughs the terror of McDormand’s Captain Dubois and the breathtaking virtual European tour the Zoosters’ accidental vacation is one worth taking. Madagascar 3 is by no means an insta-classic but it’s a perfectly suited for your Summer-at-the-movies oasis.