Assuming you were born around 1983 and that your social circle in the early grammar school years consisted of a rigidly impermeable foursome, we can conclude indisputably that you spent a good deal of your time playing Ninja Turtles. Unlike other pop culture-inspired imagination games, Ninja Turtles never allowed for turn taking as far as the central roles were concerned. Maybe you’d alternate occupancy of Luke, Han, and Chewy when playing Star Wars, or switch off between Margaret and Jimmy for games of Liquid Sky. But when it came to Ninja Turtles, the margins were set before recess even began: you were either the leader, the tough one, the smart one, or the goofball. Without exception.
But are such stark roles present in any other pop culture phenomena? We’d have to imagine so. As such, we sought to our favorite foursomes from the entertainment world and took a stab at assigning them their respective Ninja Turtles.
LeonardoJerry, the leader (who, incidentally, derives all of his moral fiber from the noble Superman)
RaphaelGeorge, the truly "dark and disturbed" member of the group
DonatelloElaine, the intellectual — she did graduate from Tufts (her safety school), and she scored a 151 on an I.Q. test
MichelangeloKramer, the hipster dufus
THE HOGWARTS HOUSES
LeonardoGryffindor, house of the daring and noble
RaphaelSlytherin, house of the severe and ambitious
DonatelloRavenclaw, house of the wry and intellectual
MichelangeloHufflepuff, house of the spirited and kind
SEX AND THE CITY
LeonardoCarrie, the glue, the narrator and the center of everyone's attention
RaphaelMiranda, stubborn and cynical enough to walk away from the love of her life (twice!)
DonatelloCharlotte, the conservative, overachieving Ivy League grad obsessed with everything appearing perfect
MichelangeloSamantha, who has never passed up a chance to see and be seen
United Artist via Everett Collection
LeonardoPaul: "Think globally, act locally."
RaphaelJohn: "Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground."
DonatelloGeorge: "When you've seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there."
MichelangeloRingo: "Peace and love. Peace and love."
LeonardoCaptain America, the wholesome, morally didactic good guy
RaphaelThe Hulk, the "muscle" who is tortured by his own demons
DonatelloIron Man, the tech genius who never hesitates to let his teammates know how much smarter he is than they are
MichelangeloThor, who's just kind of an idiot
LeonardoDawson, proving that having your name in the title doesn't save you from being the biggest buzzkill
RaphaelPacey, the rebellious, wise-cracking screw up of your teenage dreams
DonatelloJoey, smart - she went to Worthington! - sweet, and innocent, and always likely to end up in a bad situation
MichelangeloJen, the reformed party girl with a heart of gold and a chip on her shoulder
LeonardoMeg, the oldest sister and de facto head of the household
RaphaelJo, strong-willed and at odds with her siblings (and herself)
DonatelloBeth, who is shy, wise, and musically adept
MichelangeloAmy, the li'l one with the penchant for art
Columbia Pictures via Everett Collection
LeonardoRay, the heart and soul of the group
RaphaelPeter Venkman, the rebel who plays by his own rules (and forces everyone else to accommodate)
DonatelloEgon Spengler, the smartest in a team of scientists
MichelangeloWinston, who is also there
THE MT. RUSHMORE PRESIDENTS
LeonardoGeorge Washington, the diplomat who kicked off American democracy
RaphaelAbraham Lincoln, the agonizingly depressed hero who took to the front lines
DonatelloThomas Jefferson, the braniac wordsmith who wrote the Declaration of Independence
MichelangeloTheodore Roosevelt, the loon who used to fight bears and whatnot
LeonardoBlanche, the open-minded, creative sort
RaphaelSophia, a master of caustic wit
DonatelloDorothy, the smartest of the lot
MichelangeloRose, the ditz
THE FACTS OF LIFE
LeonardoBlair, who was rich and blond, so she was the natural choice for the central role in an '80s sitcom
RaphaelJo, who wears a leather jacket
DonatelloNatalie, who basically acts like she's 40 at age 15
MichelangeloTootie, who wears rollerskates all the time
20th Century Fox Film via Everett Collection
THE FANTASTIC FOUR
LeonardoSue Storm, the levelheaded voice of reason
RaphaelThe Thing, who is, as one might expect, pretty pissed about being a giant rock
DonatelloMr. Fantastic, the hyper-intellectual
MichelangeloJohnny Storm, the jag who's always jumping around and lighting stuff on fire, because he thinks it's cool
STAND BY ME
LeonardoGordie, the courageous leader
RaphaelChris, the young punk who has stolen his share of milk money
DonatelloVern, the timid perpetual bullying victim
MichelangeloTeddy, the kooky thrill-seeker
LeonardoHannah, who at the very least sees herself as a well-adjusted leader of mankind
RaphaelJessa, the alleged loose cannon who is riddled with dark passengers
DonatelloMarnie, the uptight would-be sophisticate who tries to manufacture life experience by the book
MichelangeloShoshanna, the young nutter butter who garners the least respect
LeonardoReggie Rocket, the smart, even-tempered overachiever
RaphaelOtto Rocket, the troublesome bad boy
DonatelloSam Dullard, the awkward intellectual
MichelangeloTwister Rodriguez, the idiot comic relief
Paramount Pictures via Everett Collection
LeonardoCady Heron, the acceptable human being
RaphaelRegina George, the villainous upstart
DonatelloGretchen Wieners, kind of just by default
MichelangeloKaren Smith... see "Thor"
LeonardoVinnie Barbarino, the boring (albeit charming) leader
RaphaelJuan Epstein, the tough guy with whom everybody knows not to mess
DonatelloArnold Horshach, the dorky dweeb
MichelangeloBoom Boom Washington, the loudmouthed goofball
A special thanks to writers Angie Han (an easygoing Michelangelo type) and Rudie Obias (a total Raphael, with respect) for helping to mastermind this piece, and to everyone else who contributed their varied expertise to the cause.
Follow @Michael Arbeiter |Follow @julesemm | Follow @Hollywood_com
While recent animated blockbusters have aimed to viewers of all ages starting with fantastical concepts and breathtaking visuals but tackling complex emotional issues along the way Ice Age: Continental Drift is crafted especially for the wee ones — and it works. Venturing back to prehistoric times once again the fourth Ice Age film paints broad strokes on the theme of familial relationships throwing in plenty of physical comedy along the way. The movie isn't that far off from one of the many Land Before Time direct-to-video sequels: not particularly innovative or necessary but harmless thrilling fun for anyone with a sense of humor. Unless they have a particular distaste for wooly mammoths the kids will love it.
Ice Age: Continental Drift continues to snowball its cartoon roster bringing back the original film's trio (Ray Romano as Manny the Mammoth Denis Leary as Diego the Sabertooth Tiger and John Leguizamo as Sid the Sloth) new faces acquired over the course of the franchise (Queen Latifah as Manny's wife Ellie) and a handful of new characters to spice things up everyone from Nicki Minaj as Manny's daughter Steffie to Wanda Sykes as Sid's wily grandma. The whole gang is living a pleasant existence as a herd with Manny's biggest problem being playing overbearing dad to the rebellious daughter. Teen mammoths they always want to go out and play by the waterfall! Whippersnappers.
The main thrust of the film comes when Scratch the Rat (whose silent comedy routines in the vein of Tex Avery/WB cartoons continue to be the series highlight) accidentally cracks the singular continent Pangea into the world we know today. Manny Diego and Sid find themselves stranded on an iceberg once again forced on a road trip journey of survival. The rest of the herd embarks to meet them giving Steffie time to realize the true meaning of friendship with help from her mole pal Louis (Josh Gad).
The ham-handed lessons may drag for those who've passed Kindergarten but Ice Age: Continental Drift is a lot of fun when the main gang crosses paths with a group of villainous pirates. (Back then monkeys rabbits and seals were hitting the high seas together pillaging via boat-shaped icebergs. Obviously.) Quickly Ice Age becomes an old school pirate adventure complete with maritime navigation buried treasure and sword fights. Gut (Peter Dinklage) an evil ape with a deadly... fingernail leads the evil-doers who pose an entertaining threat for the familiar bunch. Jennifer Lopez pops by as Gut's second-in-command Shira the White Tiger and the film's two cats have a chase scene that should rouse even the most apathetic adults. Hearing Dinklage (of Game of Thrones fame) belt out a pirate shanty may be worth the price of admission alone.
With solid action (that doesn't need the 3D addition) cartoony animation and gags out the wazoo Ice Age: Continental Drift is entertainment to enjoy with the whole family. Revelatory? Not quite. Until we get a feature length silent film of Scratch's acorn pursuit we may never see a "classic" Ice Age film but Continental Drift keeps it together long enough to tell a simple story with delightful flare that should hold attention spans of any length. Massive amounts of sugar not even required.
[Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox]
Top Story: Sizemore Didn't Take the Witness Stand
After Tom Sizemore declined to testify in his abuse trial, his lawyers concluded their case Monday by showing a videotape shot by Heidi Fleiss, Sizemore's former fiancé, who has claimed the actor beat her during their tumultuous relationship and has since threatened her and her family's life. The Associated Press reports the tape was shot in a hotel room where Fleiss and Sizemore were staying during a publicity tour for Black Hawk Down. On it, she declares her love for Sizemore. "I can't wait for Tom to get home to tell him how good he was, how handsome he is, how happy he makes me," she reportedly said on the tape. The defense suggests this contradicts her claim that on the same day Sizemore came to the hotel room and beat her so badly that both of them missed the premiere of the movie. AP reports Sizemore cried at the defense table while the tape was playing. The actor could face up to 13 years in prison if convicted of all the charges, which include making about 100 harassing phone calls to Fleiss, vandalism, threatening to inflict injury to a person or property and corporal injury resulting in a traumatic condition.
More on the Ben & Jen Saga
Promoting the new Project Greenlight film The Battle of Shaker Heights, Ben Affleck skirted reporters' questions about his recent visit to a Vancouver strip club in July, Reuters reports. "You can tell your news editors that you are too big for that kind of stuff, that you are better than that, that you rise above it," Affleck joked at the press conference. The affable actor also commented on his upcoming film Jersey Girl, in which his lady love Jennifer Lopez also makes an appearance. "I think Jersey Girl is a really good movie," he said. "Jen is only in it for about 10 minutes, so it's not really like a 'me-and-Jen' movie. In fact, probably after the towering success of Gigli, I suspect Miramax will find a way to sell it as other than a 'me-and-Jen' movie."
Al Franken Sued by Fox Over Slogan
Saturday Night Live writer and political humorist Al Franken is being sued by Fox News to stop using the phrase "fair and balanced" in the title of his new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, AP reports. Fox filed the suit Monday, claiming they registered "Fair & Balanced" as a trademark in 1995. Franken's "intent is clear--to exploit Fox News' trademark, confuse the public as to the origins of the book and, accordingly, boost sales of the book," AP reports the suit said.
P. Diddy Targeted in Lawsuit
Two men have filed suit against rap mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs for $25 million each, claiming they were attacked by a security team at Combs' recording studio, AP reports. Thomas Guest and Damon Jackson filed their suits Monday, alleging that they were assaulted in August 2002 at the Daddy's House studio in New York, where the two men were trying to visit Combs, a friend of Guest. Combs' spokeswoman, Susan Makarichev, told AP the lawsuits were "totally baseless" and "the allegations are ridiculous."
Robert Evans's Wife Files for Divorce
Former model Leslie Ann Woodward filed for divorce Monday from legendary film producer Robert Evans, citing "irreconcilable differences," Reuters reports. The 34-year-old Woodward married the 73-year-old Evans last November, his sixth marriage, and has been separated from him since June. The couple has no children.
Bertrand Cantat Probed in Beating Death of Girlfriend
Bertrand Cantat, the lead singer of the popular French rock band Noir Desir, is close to being charged in the beating death of his girlfriend, Marie Trintignant, AP reports. The French actress was found in a coma in July in a hotel in Lithuania, where she was filming a movie, after she and Cantat reportedly had an argument. AP reports a French judge will travel to the Baltic nation Monday, when Cantat, who has been detained in the country, will be notified that he is under investigation for "fatal blows leading unintentionally to death," officials told AP on condition of anonymity. In France, being placed under investigation is one step short of charges, AP reports. Cantat has maintained the death was an accident.
Coppola Searching for Utopian City
Location scouting for his next film, director Francis Ford Coppola visited the sleepy town of Curitiba, Brazil, as a possible place to shoot Megalopolis, his first film in six years, Reuters reports. The story follows a visionary architect who sets out to design a utopian city. "[Curitiba] is amazing, especially the public transportation," Coppola told Reuters, whose quest for an urban paradise will also take him to cities in India, China, the Netherlands and the United States.
Rap Industry Producer Cuts Deal With Prosecutors
Rap industry player Jon Ragin, who co-produced a recent film marketed by the record label Murder Inc., has quietly cut a plea deal with authorities investigating alleged ties between the Murder Inc. music label and New York City's violent drug trade, AP reports. Ragin, a convicted drug dealer, was arrested in January during raids at various New York locations, including the Murder Inc. offices and a fake tuxedo rental business linked to a 1999 murder. He was accused of using the tuxedo shop as a front for laundering proceeds from stolen credit cards, AP reports. Ragin is also known to be a close associate of Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff, a convicted drug kingpin suspected of secretly bankrolling Murder Inc.--a 50-50 joint venture between McGriff's longtime friend Irv Gotti, and Island-Def Jam Records, a division of Universal Music Group, home to multi-platinum artists Ashanti and Ja Rule, AP reports. Neither McGriff, Gotti nor any of Vivendi's companies have been charged in the ongoing investigation.