We’re entering hour 60 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta hostage crisis. Apparently, Andy Cohen intends to squeeze every drop of drama of the franchise. After the entire crazy fight from the first reunion episode, the ladies had to sit there for at least four more hours to film content for two more one-hour reunion segments and this episode that features unseen footage. It’s mostly B-roll material, including a few dropped storylines and what seems like contractual obligations to show certain moments. The one thing it does do is cement Kenya Moore’s place as the center of the show. She’s not the most forthcoming but she does seem to be the only one having fun at this point. She also continues to give some of the best lines on the show.
Kenya vs. Porsha: Revisited
Time flies in the realm of housewives. In the week since Porsha Williams (fmr Stewart) gave her on-one-one interview with Andy, footage has been released of her giving a sermon with homophobic remarks. Porsha has since apologized. That’s most likely because she’s releasing her single “Flatline.” The gay community is one of the few actual “audiences” for Housewife songs. Meanwhile, this episode features fun and kooky moments with Kenya. She gives the best lines on the show and her props may be provocative but they’re funny. For example, she and Miss Lawrence Washington gab about Phaedra Parks. Kenya decides to give her a tiara and Lawrence gives the best Phaedra impression.
The Best Parts
The best parts of these clip shows are usually funny slice of life moments that remind us that these are real people and not drama machines. Phaedra Parks and Apollo Nida celebrate their birth of their son. Phaedra says they should have a naming ceremony because they are very popular in Africa and Nigeria… and The Lion King. If only, Dwight Eubanks did a theme party where they held up Mr. President! Kenya has a bizarre photoshoot for her own calendar. It features mostly half nude photos including the shocking booty shot from the opening credits. Who was her artistic director? Cynthia Bailey and The Bailey Agency despite Kenya’s ban after her “coochie crack” comments. There’s also a scene of NeNe Leakes and Kenya gossiping about boys in the car. It’s nice to see NeNe as an actual person. She really evolved, or devolved, into this shell spouting trite wannabe catch phrases. She seems to have had a scowl on her face all season.
It seems like the bulk of the footage has to do with things that must appear in the season. For example, for no apparent reason, Naya Rivera of Glee stops by to have a conversation with NeNe Leakes. She flashes her engagement ring and they don’t say much of note and it feels pretty wooden like an acting exercise rather than a real lunch. It’s pretty clear she wouldn’t agree to be on the show and then have Bravo not air the footage. Also unnecessarily added is a segment about Porsha’s friendship with Kandi Burruss. It’s a pretty blatant plug for all the products Porsha’s working on including a hair line, teeth whitening treatment, and her music career.
Let It Die
This episode featured a few extra moments from some of the most dramatic and boring storylines on the show. Cynthia’s daughter Noelle has a birthday party and introduces her boyfriend, Arthur, to her father Leon Robinson. Did you fall asleep? Natalie Macklin confronts Cynthia after the pajama party that turned into a brawl with sleepwear. Natalie accuses Cynthia of starting trouble because she is the one who used the word opportunist. And with that, she joined the roster of forgotten potential housewives including Kim G from New Jersey and Jennifer Gilbert from New York City.
There is also extra footage from the now overwrought beef between various cast members. Momma Joyce gets a few more digs at Todd Tucker during their dinner and guilt trips her daughter during therapy. There are more misogynistic statements from Chuck Smith to Phaedra as about their past relationship. He had already said enough horrible things when he said she was “part of the team.” Then he manages to be smug and disparage Apollo’s character while also telling Phaedra that he was mentoring her. These scenes just feel like they’re just pouring salt on old wounds.
Kenya: Behind the Props
Kenya stops by for a one-on-one with Andy. She proves she’s eloquent and savvy about her presence on the show. She definitely seems cagey about her African prince and some aspects of her personal life, but given the number of people who have lost relationships on Bravo it may be for the best. She brings up some valid points about her fight with Porsha. Porsha was the first one to throw out threats, the first one to stand up, and generally unapologetic. Also, she was accused for starting the pajama brawl for standing up but Porsha did the same thing. Regardless of how annoying Kenya can be, Andy is as much an instigator as she is during the reunions. Also, no one deserves to be hit no matter how much they are provoked.
Real Houselines of Atlanta
"I never thought I was a lesbian but Kenya is looking oh so sexy." – Cynthia
"I’m trying to be nice. I am trying to buy some of this woman’s beads so she can afford a hotel room at the Holiday Inn." – Kenya after her fight with Malorie Massie
"When your man lives many continents away you have to learn how to keep it fresh. And you might have to open up your computer screen and uncross your legs sometimes." – Kenya on Skype
"I must remain a lady at all times and I do not kiss and tell. But what I can say? If I do kiss something, it is not small." – Kenya
"He’s gonna need a wax." – Phaedra on her baby’s hair
If you’ve been secretly fantasizing about the Atlanta Housewives in Street Figher-like battles, then your consider your wish granted. This week marks Round 2 of NeNe Leakes’ Pajama Jammy Jam. To review… Christopher Williams grabbed Kenya Moore’s arm. This caused Kenya’s friend Brandon DeShazer to step in and promptly get smacked down by Apollo Nida and Peter Thomas. Then M. Bison stopped by and threatened to turn the world to ash.
Round 2 finds everyone reeling from what happened. NeNe is still yelling and blames Kenya. Porsha Stewart leaves because she’s about 50 percent sure someone’s possessed. She doesn’t go on record as saying she believes in ghosts but after seeing Bill Cosby die in Ghost Dad and then show up on her television she believes in evil spirits. Kenya and Brandon leave and Apollo shows off his sexy physique.
There’s a détente and peace is restored... until Kandi Burruss brings up what Natalie Macklin-Williams said about Todd Tucker. Natalie performs the 3-hit under the bus combo and shifts the blame to Cynthia Bailey. Cynthia and Kandi exchange words and hand gestures. Malorie Massie steps in to separate the two dueling ladies and that turns Kandi into E. Honda because a thousand hand-slaps start flying. However, honestly, Malorie could eat Kandi she’s so tiny. It would be like a gazelle fighting a smurf. Luckily, Phaedra Parks steps in and diffuses the situation.
In the light of day things look completely different. NeNe is emotional about her party. She blames Kenya for the drama. It’s clear NeNe has an agenda. Where does she think things will go when she brings a bunch of people with issues into one room? NeNe is the one that started pointing fingers and reading loaded questions to the group. However, since Kenya was the catalyst to the actual fight it looks like she stole focus from NeNe and released the Kraken. You don’t want to make NeNe angry.
Cynthia is not thrilled with Kandi’s behavior. Shockingly enough, Kandi isn’t either. They both recount that night’s events. Meanwhile, at Kenya’s model home, Brandon and Kenya are starting to resemble Team Rocket, the villains from Pokemon with their lame-brained schemes. They’re ultimately harmless but they keep starting unnecessary trouble. Brandon shows up with physical scars from the fight…and a police report. He’s consulted his lawyer Jacoby not Myers and if he presses charges it will be considered a felony. Apparently, one of his ribs is broken. This is starting to smell contrived, which coincidentally, smells like cotton candy and burning hair. Keep an eye out for Kenya’s new perfume Contrived at a 99 cent store near you.
Meanwhile, the divorce clock has started on Apollo and Phaedra. She seems unconcerned with Apollo’s presence or his apology. However, he did physically throw her aside to attack Brandon. But he does look good with his shirt off so maybe it’s a wash. They then discuss furries and pajama fetishists. Then Apollo apologizes (ha!) but he seems more relaxed after having instigated a full-on brawl. Remember, the first rule of pajama parties.
After a stunt casting call for Kandi’s musical, Kandi decides she needs to stage a mea culpa for the ladies. She invites them all to a spa for free massages. Unable to refuse anything free, they all show up despite their issues with each other. Cynthia avoids Kandi until she drags all the ladies together away from their free massages for tea… out of paper cups. There the ladies engage in the most ancient of reality television marital arts – the non-pology. It’s a lot like krav maga except instead of actual hits you just use indefinite words like “allegedly” and “if” a lot. The ladies finally agree that Kandi is sorry and that Cynthia is sorry if Malorie pushed Kandi.
But NeNe doesn’t care. She wants a pound of Kenya’s flesh for ruining her pa-drama jammy jam. She says Kenya manufactured the entire situation. However, given the play-by-play conveniently provided by the producers, it’s clear that Christopher did grab Kenya’s arm and Brandon did misguidedly step in. However, if anyone is an instigator its NeNe. Kenya may be an opportunist but this situation wouldn’t have been a powder keg of drama had NeNe not invited them all there. Meanwhile, NeNe starts making some borderline homophobic comments about Kenya's gay friend, Brandon. She may be a friend to gay people but she gets precariously close to crossing the line. They agree to disagree. They're lucky this isn't Mortal Kombat. Finish Her!
Your hands aren’t clean they’re full of grease. – Kenya to NeNe
I just start seeing spirits in people’s faces. I wouldn’t say demons but there was definitely an evil spirit that entered their space. – Spiritualist Porsha
We all know Cynthia won’t pop a grape but we know her sister will pop off. – Kandi on her wine preferences?
I acted crazy and ratchet but, hey, I did it. – Kandi
When I came inside I saw a full-on episode of Jerry Stringer jumping up. She was acting like some ghetto-ass f**king heifer. – Peter describing Kandi
You were acting like your Momma. – Carmen
Phaedra: I’m very irritable today. Apollo: Only today?
I'm not sure I want to see Shade-dra. – Wordsmith Kenya
They massaged her so good she thought they put their toes up her butt. – Phaedra