The boys of One Direction have officially touched down on American soil for their massive Where We Are stadium tour. Tween girls across the country are screaming and crying in glee. You've got tickets. You might be too old. We’re here to help you figure out the signs.
1. You’re surrounded by people like this:
Getty Images/Francois Nel
Crying is not your first reaction when you think of One Direction. You’re excited, yes, but “crying excited?" No.
2. You don't need your parent (or their permission) to go.
Your parents have no idea who, or what, the hell One Direction is.
3. You didn’t have to ask for the ticket as a gift.
You totally used your big girl/boy money to pay for this.
4. You’re older than every member of the band.
Getty Images/Christopher Polk
Some of them, by a lot. Why are you so young Harry?!
5. You’re much older than all the fans surrounding you.
Getty Images/Davis Mariuz
Are all of their fans 12!?
6. None of the merchandise fits you.
Because it’s made for ages Tween and below.
7. You don’t have a bed time.
But you also really shouldn’t be up past 11, on a week night, because you’ve got this thing called work tomorrow.
8. You think it’s a little too loud.
Are concerts always this noisy?
9. You’re starting to question what these lyrics even mean and what it means that you’re singing along.
I drive all night to keep her warm… “Wouldn’t she be warmer inside a house? Why are you kids wasting gas? Don’t you know how expensive that is?” – You, questioning their logic.
10. Instead of thinking about how hot these boys are, you want to know why they’re prettier than you.
Getty Images/Kevin Mazur
Are they wax figures?
11. Zayn’s face makes you really wish you didn’t notice your forehead starting to wrinkle ever-so-slightly.
How are you supposed to pretend you’re their age if you’ve got crow’s feet ready to descend and their faces are still fresh from birth?
12. All of your friends openly mocked you for buying tickets.
And the fact that you stalked Ticketmaster and StubHub to do so? They will never let you live it down.
13. You couldn’t tell your co-workers what concert you were going to.
“Uhh…you’ve probably never heard of them! Gotta go, bye!” You're praying they don't see a picture of you there.
14. You can’t even follow along with their infamous Twitter chats during the show, because:
A. – "What are these people asking?"
B. – "That wasn’t even a question."
C. – "Why are people crying? They’re being so nice!"
Getty Images/Leon Neal
15. You think, even for a fleeting second, that you’re too old.
If you think you are, that’s probably the biggest sign there is. It’s okay, we’ll pretend you didn’t think it. Hope you enjoy the show!
The first and most important thing you should know about Paramount Pictures’ Thor is that it’s not a laughably corny comic book adaptation. Though you might find it hokey to hear a bunch of muscled heroes talk like British royalty while walking around the American Southwest in LARP garb director Kenneth Branagh has condensed vast Marvel mythology to make an accessible straightforward fantasy epic. Like most films of its ilk I’ve got some issues with its internal logic aesthetic and dialogue but the flaws didn’t keep me from having fun with this extra dimensional adventure.
Taking notes from fellow Avenger Iron Man the story begins with an enthralling event that takes place in a remote desert but quickly jumps back in time to tell the prologue which introduces the audience to the shining kingdom of Asgard and its various champions. Thor (Chris Hemsworth) son of Odin is heir to the throne but is an arrogant overeager and ill-tempered rogue whose aggressive antics threaten a shaky truce between his people and the frost giants of Jotunheim one of the universe’s many realms. Odin (played with aristocratic boldness by Anthony Hopkins) enraged by his son’s blatant disregard of his orders to forgo an assault on their enemies after they attempt to reclaim a powerful artifact banishes the boy to a life among the mortals of Earth leaving Asgard defenseless against the treachery of Loki his mischievous “other son” who’s always felt inferior to Thor. Powerless and confused the disgraced Prince finds unlikely allies in a trio of scientists (Natalie Portman Stellan Skarsgard and Kat Dennings) who help him reclaim his former glory and defend our world from total destruction.
Individually the make-up visual effects CGI production design and art direction are all wondrous to behold but when fused together to create larger-than-life set pieces and action sequences the collaborative result is often unharmonious. I’m not knocking the 3D presentation; unlike 2010’s genre counterpart Clash of the Titans the filmmakers had plenty of time to perfect the third dimension and there are only a few moments that make the decision to convert look like it was a bad one. It’s the unavoidable overload of visual trickery that’s to blame for the frost giants’ icy weaponized constructs and other hybrids of the production looking noticeably artificial. Though there’s some imagery to nitpick the same can’t be said of Thor’s thunderous sound design which is amped with enough wattage to power The Avengers’ headquarters for a century.
Chock full of nods to the comics the screenplay is both a strength and weakness for the film. The story is well sequenced giving the audience enough time between action scenes to grasp the characters motivations and the plot but there are tangential narrative threads that disrupt the focus of the film. Chief amongst them is the frost giants’ fore mentioned relic which is given lots of attention in the first act but has little effect on the outcome. In addition I felt that S.H.I.E.L.D. was nearly irrelevant this time around; other than introducing Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye the secret security faction just gets in the way of the movie’s momentum.
While most of the comedy crashes and burns there are a few laughs to be found in the film. Most come from star Hemsworth’s charismatic portrayal of the God of Thunder. He plays up the stranger-in-a-strange-land aspect of the story with his cavalier but charming attitude and by breaking all rules of diner etiquette in a particularly funny scene with the scientists whose respective roles as love interest (Portman) friendly father figure (Skarsgaard) and POV character (Dennings) are ripped right out of a screenwriters handbook.
Though he handles the humorous moments without a problem Hemsworth struggles with some of the more dramatic scenes in the movie; the result of over-acting and too much time spent on the Australian soap opera Home and Away. Luckily he’s surrounded by a stellar supporting cast that fills the void. Most impressive is Tom Hiddleston who gives a truly humanistic performance as the jealous Loki. His arc steeped in Shakespearean tragedy (like Thor’s) drums up genuine sympathy that one rarely has for a comic book movie villain.
My grievances with the technical aspects of the production aside Branagh has succeeded in further exploring the Marvel Universe with a film that works both as a standalone superhero flick and as the next chapter in the story of The Avengers. Thor is very much a comic book film and doesn’t hide from the reputation that its predecessors have given the sub-genre or the tropes that define it. Balanced pretty evenly between “serious” and “silly ” its scope is large enough to please fans well versed in the source material but its tone is light enough to make it a mainstream hit.