Quickly enough, the varied rage-aholics comprising Vice President Selena Meyer's immediate staff have eased back into their insult- and obscenity-spouting M.O.s, churning out a whole bunch of hostility in the second episode of the stellar comedy's Season 3. This week, Selena faces the stresses of having to choose a new stance on abortion in light of her POTUS' quick shift toward the pro-life side. Naturally, the high-tension situation brings out a lot of colorful language in her crew. But who topped the lot with the harshest one-liners?
7. Secretary of the In-terror: JONAH
"Old Media like the Washington Toast better run and hide in the bathroom and join the Poo York Times."Oh Jonah...
"F**k HuffPo. They should be called 'PuffHo,' because Ariana Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces."...you horrible idiot.
6. Abhor-ney General: SUE
"[Selena] is on the Coast Guard boat. Meeting and greeting fish."Self-explanatory. Somehow a much funnier line than it sounds like it would be.
"I don't need an enhanced roll to know my worth, Gary."After Gary explodes with giddiness over his being asked to handle a task over Sue.
5. Secretary of Offense: BEN
Responding to Selena's sarcastic quip about the existence of an "I don't give a s**t" lobby:"You're looking at him. I've got posters, buttons... not really. Because I don't give a s**t."
"I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it go away." What do you even make of this?
"It would take a brain about this sizeMocking Gary's display of fruits representing the sizes of fetuses at different stages of gestation.
"I'm going home. If anybody needs me, I don't care."A classic, always.
4. Secretary of Treachery: MIKE
"Walt, Randal, this is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back."Introducing his new stepsons to Jonah.
"'Copy Cat Selena,' that's what they'll say. 'Me Too Meyer.' 'S**t for Brains.'"Predicting the public's antagonism for Selena's decision to mimic the abortion cut-off of another candidate.
3. Secretary of Hate: SELENA
"It begins here. In this Polish dungeon."Selena's grinning dismissal of her Maryland campaign office.
"I can’t identify myself as a woman. People can’t know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that… which, I believe, is most women."Regrettable bonus points for putting down her gender as a whole.
"You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?"To Mike, about Jonah.
"I can't listen to that Joan Crawford b**ch about Bette Davis anymore."In the parameters of this insult, Ben is Joan Crawford and Kent is Bette Davis.
"I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Should I print that up on a t-shirt that I can give to you?"Said to Dan, following his outburst over her inability to make a decision on the abortion issue. It's at once horrifying, condescending, and hilarious.
2. Vicious Vice-President: AMY
"You just gonna sit there, SpongeBob?"Mocking Dan for his seasickness. It's not so much the insult itself, but Amy's ability to make such a banal joke so pointedly mean that wins her points here.
"Tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on speakerphone now."I'm picking up on a very subtle undercurrent that everybody hates Mike's new wife. Or at least the idea of another human being entering their lives in a personal capacity.
"Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It's like listening to Jupiter."About Maddox.
"Moving on, and Dan may be quite soon..."Immediately following Selena's threats to oust Dan from his job. The callousness of her noting that Dan might actually get fired is what makes this such a gem.
"Go home. Take an ambien. Take 50."Said to Dan. Jeez, Amy really hates Dan.
"'Twenty-two-and-a-half Weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller."Putting down Gary's suggestion for an abortion cut-off. She could have just said 'no' ... but she's an artist.
1. The President of Put-Downs: DAN
"You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral."Putting down Gary's suggestion that Selena tell the world she's running for president. He could have just said 'no' ... but he's a wizard.
"That s**t-shoveled-faced-f**kin' Jonah."I don't even know what this means.
"I am going to rip your guts out of your tiny, shriveled little Chihuahua c**k."To Jonah.
"Hey, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito."To Jonah's friend.
"If you say anything about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height."To Jonah.
But Dan's real genius comes in the nonverbal form this week, blowing up at Selena to the point of physical tremors and shoving aforementioned burrito into Jonah's face as a symbol of his menace. Both are sights to behold from the usually stoic-to-the-point-of-soulless Dan.
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"Every angel needs an archangel!"In this scenario, he's the angel and Selena is the archangel. Gary... you weirdo.
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You haven't been able to explain why, but for some reason the past few months have felt... nicer. Friendlier. More humane. Like the world's cynical edge has faded into a general aura of good intentions and widespread compassion. Well, hopefully you haven't gotten to used to it, because the mean streak you used to know is back — Veep has returned for its third season on HBO, coming back in full force with the very best insult comedy on contemporary television. This season, we're going to hone in on which of the series' characters is leading the pack in general misanthropy by ranking the best barbs of every episode.
We start off with the season premiere, which sees Vice President Selena Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a book tour through Iowa as the rest of her staff is back home in D.C. for Mike's (Matt Walsh) wedding to a reporter named Wendy. Due to Mike's unprecedented giddiness, he sat the week out in the insults game, but his colleagues were on point in terms of disses, put-downs, hostile barbs, biting reproaches, and your run of the mill bullying. Who won the race with the coldest zingers?
6. Abhor-ney General: JONAH
"I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin."Jonah's unimpressive, infantile sign-off after he's been fired from the White House for running a gossiptainment blog.
5. Secretary of Offense: AMY
"Look at you, Dan. You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber."There's something about Amy's subdued, even-tempered jabs that feel even more hurtful than her cohorts' heated ones.
"Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs."Said, again calmly, when Jonah is trying to worm his way into a group photo at Mike's wedding. Good for a chuckle, but this episode isn't Amy's best.
4. Secretary of Treachery: SUE
"Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary?"To be perfectly honest, neither of Sue's jokes this week (her only two lines in the episode, I might add) are Veep-caliber insults. But Sufe Bradshaw's delivery is impeccable.
"I hate how he learned English from pornography."Markedly better; said in response to Jonah's excessive use of phrases like "money shot" in non-sexual context.
3. Secretary of Hate: BEN
"Get out of the way or I'll f**king inhale you."Ben yells this at Selena's obscenely incompetent Iowa right-hand man. The believability of the threat makes it so funny.
[On the title of Selena's book, New Beginnings: The Next American Dream] "You’re so full of s**t, there’s a colon right smack dab in the middle."Now that's just terrific wordplay.
2. Viscious Vice-President: DAN
"I would hate the be the local Iowa guy that’s got to take care of [Selena]. Trying to source Gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for f**s."An insult to Iowa, Selena, the gay community, and, somehow, Gazpacho. Points for versatility.
"What the f**k are you doing here? You weren't invited. Unless you're the Worst Man."This clumsy and obvious clunker docks the usually clever Dan a few points.
"Hey, Hepatitis J."Classy, elegant, hilarious.
Jonah: "What's Google's number?"Dan: "I don't know, ask Jeeves."Not so much an insult as it is just taunting and aggressively unhelpful. But one of the biggest laughs of the night regardless.
1. The President of Put-Downs: SELENA
"Hey, Richard. No offense... you're a catastrophe."Julia Louis-Dreyfus is one of the few comedians who can deliver a line as blunt and unimaginative as this and make it feel sharp.
[To Ben] "Good to see your friendly-ish face-ish."In sharp contrast to the former, the beauty of this excellent jab at her friend's personality and appearance is its majestic subtlety.
"That bag of wrist-slits got the nomination? With that face and personality?"Boom. Easily the meanest thing said all episode. And she delivers it with that demonic smile. Oh, woe is the world in which she occupies the Oval Office.
And since we love Gary so much, we'll also be running this little addition to our weekly insult-off:
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"[To Wendy] You look gorgeous! Is that lipstick coral blush? Nicely applied!"Oh, Gary. You sweet soul.
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Once a "political leper," Vice President Selina Meyer will amp up her campaign for the highest office in the land when Veep returns on Apr. 6. Though, with this bunch of jokers and opportunists behind her, it doesn't look good. In honor of the upcoming third season premiere of the HBO comedy, we've organized the office of the VP (that's "Vaguely Personable," to some) from least to most useless.
5. Sue Wilson, Personal Assistant
Sue (Sufe Bradshaw) is the iron gate between Selina and the outside world. She wield's her phone like a weapon and can be counted on to not only shut down every person who tries to get through, but also to eviscerate them personally in the process. No, the president hasn't called.
4. Amy Brookheimer, Chief of Staff
Smart, married to her job, and always ready with a devastating insult, we get the feeling that poor Amy (Anna Chlumsky) just picked the wrong horse in this race. Think of what she'd accomplish with a savvy and poised candidate as her boss. Though there don't seem to be any of those in Veep's Washington.
3. Mike McLintock, Director of Communications
Mike (Matt Walsh) is relatively capable, but has such a deep hatred for his job that he's made up a fake dog to always have an excuse to go home early. If it weren't for his crushing debt and the cost of the boat upkeep, he'd probably have resigned long ago.
2. Gary Walsh, Personal Aide
Whatever else is said about Gary (Tony Hale), no one can claim that he's not fiercely loyal to the VP. Armed with "The Leviathan," Gary is devoted to his boss's every waking need. But let's just say he's not the person you'd want by your side in a crisis.
1. Dan Eagan, Deputy Director of Communications
Dan (Reid Scott) is young, handsome, ambitious, and calculating — just the sort of political tap dancer who should be killing it in D.C. And he could be great at his job — if he spent more time doing it and less time trying to schmooze his way to greener pastures.
Former Spice Girls stars Mel C and Emma Bunton have reteamed in the studio to sing the England soccer team's official World Cup tune. The veteran pop stars joined Gary Barlow, Katy B and Kimberley Walsh for the World Cup single in conjunction with the Sport Relief charity.
Former soccer stars Gary Lineker, Michael Owen, David Seaman and Glenn Hoddle will be part of the accompanying video, which will debut on 21 March (14).
The World Cup kicks off in Brazil this summer (14).
Simon Cowell has fuelled speculation British pop star Cheryl Cole is set to return to his hit U.K. TV show The X Factor. Former Girls Aloud star Cole was a mentor on the programme but was famously dropped by Cowell from the first season of the U.S. version of the show in 2011 after filming just two audition rounds.
Cowell tells Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper, "She was a really, really good judge. I mean, she took what she did seriously. She used to phone me almost every night - one, two, three o'clock in the morning, talking about songs and what she should be doing.
"That's the kind of judge you want to be working with on these shows, because they really care. I hope we're going to get the chance to work together. We have to find a way because we had a lot of fun."
Cole reportedly received $2.1 million (£1.4 million) in an out of court settlement after she sued executives at Blue Orbit Productions, the team behind the show, for loss of earnings following her exit from the U.S. programme.
Reports of Cole's return to the British contest began to spread after current judges, Gary Barlow, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh announced their plans to quit after the 2013 show.
Simon Cowell has promised fans he will return to the panel of his hit U.K. show The X Factor. The music mogul left his pet project behind in 2011 to launch an American version, leaving Gary Barlow in charge as head judge.
The show has struggled to maintain its huge audience since his departure, and now he has vowed to return after he signed a new three-year deal for the series with bosses at Britain's ITV network.
He tells Britain's Metro newspaper, "I will (return) at some point. I still miss that, I mean that show is my baby and that last year we did which was the One Direction year was the most fun I've had - it was fantastic. When I look back at the clips now and remind myself about it, it was a really cool year that."
Cowell has also hinted Cheryl Cole, who he took to the U.S. X Factor with him before she was ditched by TV bosses, could return alongside him, as well as pop star Rita Ora.
He adds, "Cheryl and I patched up our differences a long time ago. I saw her recently, we speak a lot on the phone and text each other, and I think both of us would like the idea of working together again.
"She was a great judge. I mean, apart from being cute she's a great judge and she knows what she's talking about and, oh my God, she wears her heart on her sleeve! I met with Rita at my house recently and I was really, really impressed with her and you just know she's a future star."
The show's current judging line-up is Barlow, Nicole Scherzinger, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne, who returned to the project five years after quitting.
A singer chosen by Nicole Scherzinger to compete on Britain's The X Factor was hospitalised after suffering a nasty fall backstage during the live show on Sunday (20Oct13). Wannabe pop star Abi Alton stumbled down a flight of stairs after being voted through to the next round of the talent show. She was stretchered out of the studios in London and taken to a nearby hospital.
She was checked over by doctors before eventually being released in the early hours of Monday morning (21Oct13).
Taking to Twitter.com, Alton writes, "out of hospital and thankfully there is no serious damage. Thanks for your lovely messages, im sure (I) will be right as rain in no time."
The 19 year old was the second hopeful to be hospitalised this weekend (19-20Oct13) - pregnant SeSe Foster, a member of Gary Barlow's group Miss Dynamix, was rushed to a medical facility after falling ill hours before Saturday's show (19Oct13).
Katy Perry and Robin Thicke both performed on Sunday's episode in front of judges Scherzinger, Sharon Osbourne, Take That star Barlow and music manager Louis Walsh.
The hilarious Tony Hale claimed the Supporting Actor in a Comedy Emmy last week for playing Gary Walsh, VP Selina Meyer's aide, on Veep. Whether or not they're caught up on that HBO show yet, however, Arrested Development fans were besides themselves seeing Lucille's most dedicated son holding that gold statue. There are piles and piles of highlights of Hale's performance as man-child Buster over four seasons of AD; here are just a few of them.
1. "Hey, Brother"
Buster always greeted his siblings — and sometimes his other relatives ("Hey, Uncle Father Oscar.") — with this phrase, and it was a quick barometer of his current state of mind. Happy, sick, stressed, scared — with two words, you knew how Buster was feeling.
2. Buster Meets Franklin
Buster is always one afternoon with his brothers or one racially-charged hand puppet away from gaining some self-respect and losing it on Lucille.
3. "It walked on my pillow!"
The greatness of this moment needs no explanation.
4. Buster Takes Care of Roomba
Sad, sweet, insanely funny. "Oh. You're hungry."
5. No Smoking
When we caught up with the Bluths after a few years' hiatus, Buster was still proud to be at his mother's beck and call. It's a comfort to know that some things never change.
6. "I'm a monster!"
Buster's dramatic outburst wouldn't be shockingly out-of-place in an Academy montage.
7. GIVE HER SON THE JUICE.
Ah, the nectar of the gods. Buster derives much of his power from this sweet, sweet liquid, and so help any man who stands in his way.
Nicole Scherzinger got into the festival spirit by joining in a colourful Caribbean carnival during a trip to Antigua. The pop star headed to the country to shoot the Judge's Houses segment for the U.K. version of The X Factor, on which she is a mentor alongside Sharon Osbourne, Gary Barlow and music manager Louis Walsh.
While choosing the contestants she wants to take to the live shows later this year (13), the former Pussycat Dolls beauty got into the swing of things by joining locals on the beach for a festival.
She was snapped in a pair of skimpy shorts and a bikini top dancing with locals dressed in traditional outfits, and even donned a huge feathered mask in Antigua's official colours of red and yellow.
Take That star Gary Barlow is set to quit as a judge on hit British talent show The X Factor at the end of the year (13), according to host Dermot O'leary. The TV personality let the big news slip on the red carpet at One Direction's tour movie premiere in London on Tuesday (20Aug13), confessing he'd like to take the singer's place.
O'Leary said, "He'll (Barlow) be leaving at the end of this year... (but) I'd love to judge. I'd be so strict. I'd be nice and strict."
Barlow has yet to confirm the news of his departure, but he recently stated that it was "too early" to comment on whether he would return to The X Factor for the show's 11th season.
He'll be back as a judge when the 10th season debuts in Britain on 31 August (13), when he'll be joined by Nicole Scherzinger, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne.