Is there a better way to honor the historical moments of this day — the second inauguration of Barack Obama, on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day — than by watching a pack of female wildebeests trample each other for the chance to sire a son from the alpha-ish male? Of course there is, but when you're a connoisseur of mediocrity, duty calls above all.
So here we are and here we go: shirtless Sean is at it again! The man must have a cotton allergy. It's really the only reasonable explanation. Does ABC really think this dude has nothing else to offer? Or is it just that...this is all he has to offer? Do the bored housewives who especially drool over the all-American milquetoast appeal of Sean Lowe really care, so long as the abdominals are front and center? Apparently not!
First off, let's all agree that this was a terribly boring episode. Right? Even with all the promise of drama and stupidity in the teaser last week, I still found myself unengaged: these ladies aren't actual humans you want to know anything about — they awful, offensive caricatures that are frankly, pretty terrible for women in general. Sometimes this makes for really great television because what is reality for if not judgment and laughter?
But maybe you loved this episode! Maybe you're like, a huge Lesley M fan and you were real tickled homegirl got this week's first one-on-one date! The duo head off to Hollywood because hanging out at the Guinness Book of World Records, uh, museum (?) is what all the normal LA types do on their dates.Thank goodness her dress is adorable. Plus one for Lesley! So why the date at a place no one in their right mind would ever be OK with actually going to on a date? Oh right, because Sean has an inferiority complex when it comes to his father. Or maybe he just doesn't like it when his dad has something he doesn't. (Like a family and children and a shirt.) Turns out, Sean's dad set a World Record! What a completely random and great thing for him! Back in the day, Daddy Lowe drove through the continental United States in 97 hours and seven minutes with two of his bros. Man, even Sean's dad is more interesting than Sean. So with bitter daddy issues in hand, Sean decides he needs to break a world record, too! DUH. Daddio's had enough attention, damn it!
And how can Sean one-up his dad in a way that's convenient to a reality show's film schedule, but also relevant? Time for these two to make out (...for the longest on-screen kiss, not just for funsies)! The two stand around, putting their faces on each other for over 3 minutes while a bunch of people watch. Even the crowd of people standing there admit how awkward it all is, so, cool! Somehow this awkward display of affection turns out to be the best day of Lesley M's life. Because of course it does, ugh. Lucky for this lady, Sean feels like he's known her forever — but he makes her nervous. He does something to her! Nervous Nelly goes in for the kiss after a dare from Sean and this kiss certainly looks more magical (and less awkward) than their last. Ooh la la! Lesley M might be a contenda! No surprise she got the rose.
Group Date alert! AshLee and her highly confused consonants are real glad she didn't get a group date because doing activities is for losers. The 12 gals going on the group date are Kacie B, Robyn, Leslie, Kristy, Catherine, Taryn, Desiree, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra. As for the itinerary? Why, a jaunt on the beach, of course! Also known as another excuse for Sean Lowe to take off his shirt. I almost named this recap "Sean Lowe and the Hunt for the World's Most Elusive Shirt," but that really seems more like a series theme than a singular episode. Six abs to rule them all!
But now it's time for a TWIST! The ladies have to play beach volleyball and the winning team gets one-on-one time with Sean. The losers? A public stoning! Just kidding, they have to go home and pout without any time to tell Sean how cayuuute he is in private. Cold. It turns out, weirdly enough, that all these bikini-ready beach bodies are not all genetically predisposed to be awesome at beach volleyball. I thought that was part of the contract you sign when you made your deal with the devil to have well-defined and super-tanned bodies? Someone should remedy that. Anyway, balls are rolling, sometimes even getting up into the air and over the net. But not really with any sort of regularity. Maybe they're like Amber, and their doctors don't want them to participate in any sort of activity that involves balls flying at their noses. Well there goes your social life!
Exhibit A: (Reference starts at 0:51)
"This volleyball game is probably the most important in my life" says Taryn, queen of rational and non-hyperbolic thought. Is that with or without the flying balls? Obviously it's important for her — it's her last chance at relevancy because the inclusion of her opinion now after being nonexistent so far this season. Which, as we all know, means she's totally going home. In the end, the blue team wins without Sean's help, so the red team heads home to probably eat chocolate and pet cats like the lonely monsters ABC believes they are (and may actually be in real life, sorry gals). But oh, what a dramatic exit theirs is: Tierra is on the red/losing team, so she obviously has to pout and whine. Kristy f**king loses her s**t. Literally bawling her eyes out. OMG, TRUE LOVE IS SLIPPING AWAY! HOPE IS TOTALLY LOST FOR EVERYONE. How can the world keep turning when events like this are taking place on its soil?
Meanwhile, everyone's favorite sourpuss Amanda has flipped her switch in order to perk up and lay down the groundwork for what she wants out of a relationship with Sean. She wants a husband, a best friend, a provider, lover, mindreader, horse whisperer, kumquat inspector, and pool boy. Oh and true love and probably world peace just for good measure.
According to every girl on the show, their ~deep connection~ with Sean is mad f**king real, you guys. (Like, Courtney Stodden real: rill.) More so than any other human element could connect with another human element, is how deep these ladies' Grand Canyon connections are, everyone. These girls are all chemistry scholars, too, so it seems like pretty legit logic. Amanda has brought her powerpoint presentation of all the reasons why she's great and special and swell to prove the connection. It's like this very weird, forced thing. Desiree and Kacie B seem to hate her because she's "dark and creepy" which apparently means you're not allowed to have or find love. Because there are totally no creepy people that are married or birthing children in the world.
But oh that Kacie B. Kacie, what in the actual f**k is going on in that pretty lil skull o' yours, gal? Do you have no short-term memory? Or long-term memory? Or any memory at all? What about common sense — did you lose it somewhere? This girl, who came so close to both winning the heart of a former Bachelor while also nearly getting kicked off for her s**t-stirring, doesn't somehow think that a repeat performance of drama-rousing is her thing. She's not into drama! Only, shut the f**k up, because YES Kacie, you ARE a s**t-stirrer. This is who you are, and categorizing it as "selfish" (Which...what? Does not compute) doesn't make it any less of a stirred s**t. As if s**t-talking Courtney Robertson to Ben Flajnik wasn't enough of a "hey maybe don't do this!" thing, she decides to do it again with Amanda to Sean. How is this different, Kacie? What, has this s**t been shaken rather than stirred? This girl is straight-up pathological with this s**t. Apparently she can't be herself when people don't like each other, so that is a reason for...something?
Sean calls her out on her drama (THANK YOU, I thought he'd be one of those too nicers who doesn't point out the obvious out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings), and demands answers. "Why are you telling me this?" Sean's throat-clearing when she said she's "not a drama person" pretty much tells it all. Sean's throat-clear was the equivalent of Michelle Obama's shade-throwing at the inauguration Monday afternoon. "I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person," Sean mumbles. Oh noes! Kacie's plan isn't not working! Quelle surprise! She didn't expect this! HOW DID SHE NOT EXPECT THIS? Kacie, Kacie, Kacie. GIRL. Honey, child. Grown-ass women don't meddle in other people's business! Because in the end, that meddling says way more about the meddler than those with the business. Also: "I'm not supposed to cry this early" …for real, Kacie? Now you just sound like you're playing a part.
So let's talk about Tierra's fall and her general existence of selfish psycho-manipulation. It happened moments before AshLee's date, and Sean gets worried that Tierra's been concussed! She only starts actually responding to pretty much anyone once they put her on a board for an X-Ray. So she starts crying and telling them to leave her alone. The girls, of course, suspect that she faked it. Which — when you see how positively bratty and insane homegirl gets later in the episode — if she didn't fake it, she sure as hell milked that cow for some serious Sean time, cutting in on his time with AshLee.
Sean decides to close down all of Six Flags and then do some "volunteer work" by turning his date with AshLee into a meeting between two girls from the Starlight Children's Foundation who have never met the other in-person, but are best friends. It's like Catfish minus all the deception and general human terribleness. Only — TWIST! — the girls have no idea they're going to meet. Surprise! Emily and Brianna are IRL ("In Real Life" for all you luddites out there) friends now! This is, admittedly, really precious. The Eli Young Band, Sean's fave because how convenient, is there to sing for everyone! Afterwards, AshLee shares her life story with Sean, and the two both admit they want to adopt children in the future — a cause close to AshLee as she was adopted at age six.
OK so full-disclosure, I totally feel bad about giving AshLee a hard time for her unfortunate capitalization issues. She has a totally positive outlook which is lovely to see in a sea full of crazy. Obviously homegirl gets a rose. AshLee joins Desiree in the "frontrunners" pile, for me.
Prior to the rose ceremony, Sean decided to do something sweet, and brought Sarah's dog Leo out to see her as a token of appreciation. OK, fine, this is pretty adorable, but also so obviously a ploy to get the "aww! puppy!" vote from America. That said, I love puppies. A lot. So I get the tactic.
Tierra is pissed because she deserves "way more" and she "wants to punch some f**king walls" because it's not fair how everyone interrupts her time with Sean. And she gets what she wants, y'all! OK, I'm officially on the "Tierra is a horrible garbage monster" team. I cannot deal with selfish insane people, it's a weird quirk I have.
Rose Ceremony Time! Now featuring the world's longest rose stems. But WAIT! Before it can start, Sean needs to halt the ceremony and talk to Kacie B. He says he respects her too much to put her through another rose ceremony when they're probably better off as friends. So sayonara, Kacie B! Now stop being suck a mother**king s**t-stirrer/shaker/drama-insterter. Jesus.
Oh well. The full list of ladies sent to the infinite abyss where single women pick up their cats, drop off their self-esteem and are sent to learn the rules of spinsterdom are:
What do you think of this week's episode? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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Despite the calamity that is Gigli, star Ben Affleck seems to be taking its critical and commercial failure in stride.
Affleck tells Variety's Army Archerd that he and the cast and crew worked hard on the $53 million Gigli, which opened to a measly $3.8 million last weekend.
"The movie (Gigli) didn't work. You work just as hard on a good movie as on a bad one. We tried to fix it," he said. "But it was like putting a fish's tail [with] a donkey's head."
Affleck also dismissed rumors of infighting between Gigli director Martin Brest and Revolution Studios chief Joe Roth over the film's ending.
"Listen, I've seen more fireworks from (Miramax Films chairman) Harvey Weinstein in 10 minutes than on this picture. And I've made seven films with Harvey," Affleck told Archerd. "And I'll make more films with Martin and Revolution. I believe in Martin Brest."
The actor also scoffed at the negative media buzz that has been building around the film for several months and reached a fervent peak the week before its release.
"I feel like we were caught in the eye of a storm--an earthquake that starts out at sea and by the time it reaches the shore it's--!!!"
Affleck said he and co-star and real-life companion Jennifer Lopez probably won't be fielding too many joint big-screen offers any time soon, but said it always depends on the story.
It will be interesting to see how moviegoers and critics will react to Affleck and Lopez's next project--Miramax's comedy Jersey Girl, written and directed by Kevin Smith. One thing is certain: no one will be able to complain about the couple's on-screen chemistry (or lack thereof): Affleck and Lopez play lovers again, but J. Lo dies in childbirth early in the film. Jersey Girl, set for release March 19, 2004, also stars Jason Biggs, George Carlin and Liv Tyler.
Despite Gigli's media backlash, don't expect Ben and Jen, arguably Hollywood's most-talked-about couple, to stay too far out of the limelight. The two are expected to be on hand Monday for the premiere of Miramax's The Battle of Shaker Heights, winner of the 2002 Project Greenlight competition developed by Affleck and Matt Damon. According to Variety, attendees, including Affleck and Lopez, will be filmed for future use in the HBO TV series Project Greenlight.
Remember last year's Grammys show?
Going in with a field best 10 nominations, Carlos Santana tied Michael Jackson’s record for the most wins in a single night, taking home eight statuettes.
Then there was the gossip-filled competition between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Everybody was waiting with much anticipation to see which of the dueling teen divas would win the best new artist award. Aguilera won -- for at least that night.
And even though she didn't perform, there was Jennifer Lopez's green, barely there Versace dress. She … or her dress, rather … arguably overshadowed Santana.
So far, there isn’t any hot gossip brewing or a massive sweep of Santana-esque proportions for the 43rd annual Grammys in February. But there are a few players who you can bet have a good shot at a nod or two when the Recording Academy announces the nominees Wednesday in Los Angeles.
Gen-X angst ruled in 2000, so the likes of Limp Bizkit, Eminem and Metallica are likely contenders to get some recognition from the Academy: The Bizkit crew for their performance on the "M:I-2" soundtrack and their newest release "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water" and Metallica for the hit single "I Disappear."
Eminem is in a league of his own. Some hate him, some love him. But it doesn’t change the fact that his latest album, "The Marshall Mathers LP," made an indelible mark on the music scene in 2000. Criticized for its glorification of homophobia, misogyny and murder, the hit record was led by the single "The Real Slim Shady" and has sold 7.3 million copies, something the Recording Academy can’t ignore.
Regardless of the bad press "Marshall Mathers" got, the only other strike against Eminem is that he won two Grammys at last year’s show (best rap album for "The Real Slim Shady LP" and best rap solo performance for "My Name Is"). He's also been named the year's top musician by the likes of Spin and Rolling Stone magazine.
Hip-hop star Sisqo had quite the year with a little ditty called "The Thong Song." The tune became the summer anthem for teens everywhere, and such a feat could land him a nod by the Academy. Let’s just hope he leaves the barely there underwear at home this time.
The Beatles (yes, the Beatles) made quite the splash late in the year with the release of "1," a collection of the Fab Four’s 27 No. 1 hits. Is it possible for a band that split up 30 years ago to get nominated for a set of re-released music. Stranger things have happened. Remember when the Academy gave a Grammy to Milli Vanilli? And Sarah McLachlan won a Grammy last year for a live version of the song "I Will Remember You," which was released long, long before Spears and Aguilera hit the scene.
The race for the year’s newcomers could be strong, with bands such as 3 Doors Down and Vertical Horizon as possible strong contenders for the Grammy. Three Doors Down could be angling for a nod fueled by the summer hit "Kryptonite" that's still perched near the top of The Billboard Hot 100 singles charts.
And what of the dueling divas or the boy bands? If anyone has a chance, it’s 'N Sync and Spears. Each had successful new albums in 2000. And don't discount the Backstreet Boys, who were multiple Grammy nominees last year, or best new artist Aguilera.
The same can be said for Ricky Martin. He fizzled quickly in 2000, but if there’s a shortage of Latin nominees, the bon-bon shaker’s new album "Sound Loaded" or his first single "She Bangs" might qualify.
Again, it’s difficult to tell with the Recording Academy (see previous reference to Milli Vanilli). Now as far as that best polka album category, your guess is as good as ours.
The nominees for the 43rd Annual Grammy Awards will be announced Wednesday at 8:15 a.m. PT from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, Calif.
For more music stories and the latest music releases, check out MusicSite.com.
Ricky Martin may soon be moving from the concert stage to the sound stage.
The bon-bon shaker has inked a deal with United Talent Agency to develop the singer’s TV and film career, Reuters reports.
But Martin is no stranger to the camera. He appeared in "General Hospital" back in 1994 and also made his live theater debut in 1996, starring as Marius in "Les Miserables."
'N SYNC AND BACKSTREET BOYS TOGETHER! Tired of 'N Sync yet?
Too bad, for the boy band, along with rockers Aerosmith, will headline the halftime show of the Super Bowl on Jan. 28 in Tampa, Fla., The Associated Press reports.
They join Ray Charles, who will perform "America the Beautiful," and the Backstreet Boys, who will perform the National Anthem, before the big game begins.
Produced by MTV, the show will be broadcast on CBS with 130 million U.S. viewers and 750 million expected to tune in.
GELDOF RECEIVES CUSTODY: Rocker Bob Geldof was awarded custody of the 4-year-old daughter his ex-wife, Paula Yates, had with her lover, late INXS singer Michael Hutchence, AP Press reports.
The British High Court gave Geldof custody of Tiger Lily for a year so that she could live with her three half-sisters from Yates’ earlier marriage with Geldof. He’s had custody of the orphaned child since Yates was found dead in her London home. Hutchence committed suicide three years ago in Australia. BRIT AND LL: Britney Spears and LL Cool J on the same stage? AP is reporting that the rapper will join the pop queen as host of the 28th Annual American Music Awards on Jan. 8 on ABC.
Producer Dick Clark made the announcement Monday. Country singer Faith Hill leads the pack with four nominations, while Marc Anthony and Creed each have three nods.
Aerosmith is the recipient of the AMA's Award of Achievement.
A GOOD BOSS: Where else would the Boss give a benefit concert? Bruce Springsteen was back in his old stomping grounds of New Jersey to raise money for eight charities.
The sold-out concerts were held on Sunday and Monday, with members of the E-Street Band and the Max Weinberg 7 -- the house band for "Late Night with Conan O’Brien" -- joining Springsteen on stage, according to AP.
Proceeds from the concerts went to charities that help addicts, homeless and abused women, HIV-infected victims, needy children and people in need of health care and food.