Now that some of the fat has been trimmed (no, I’m not being derogatory towards women), let the dating begin! The honor of Juan Pablo’s first ever one-on-one goes to Clare Bear, the hairdresser with the heart of gold. JP single-handedly (no, that’s not true) transforms L.A. into a Winter Wonderland complete with an ice skating rink so that he and Clare can flirt like toddlers followed by a very adult dip in the hot tub where she immediately opens up about her dead dad to score some extra bonding points. It’s a rule that every time the Bachelor is submerged in water, he has to kiss the girl nearest to him, so they proceed to smooch. Notably, there was no alcohol during this date – perhaps a first in Bachelor history, so the perceived chemistry was probably real. Does this mean Juan Pablo will be able to avoid the curse of the episode 7 weight gain? We’re looking at you, Sean. The date ends, like most Bachelor dates do with a surprise private concert by a band no one has ever heard of while fake snow falls on the dancing duo.Next up is a one-on-one with Kat who puts on her best chambray shirt for the occasion. She’s whisked away on a private plane. Where to, she muses. Paris? Miami? No, honey. You’re going to Utah for a made for TV rave. Yay! She changes out of her sexy denim into more suitable neon attire before joining masses of people who are all miraculously wearing the same light-up tracksuits. After dosing themselves with ecstasy, they join the 5K dance parade. She gets a rose. Duh. He’s hopped on goof balls. How else would you explain how much fun they're having waving around glow sticks?And now for the group date – every girl’s favorite (said no one on The Bachelor, ever).The theme: A photo shoot for “Models & Mutts” – an organization that pairs pretty women with mangy dogs to raise awareness for shelters. The contestants are all given costumes to wear – with varying range of hellaciousness depending on how much the producers hate them.Highlights
- Elise, the first grade teacher who’s also the softest of the bunch (which is to say she’s still tiny by human standards) is tasked with wearing two pieces of cardboard which will expose her naughty bits. She very cleverly swaps with happy naked Lucy who’s given a giant fire hydrant costume (well played, producers). Lucy is a good sport. Score one for sisterhood!- Andi, the DA, is given but one piece of cardboard to wear. She has a mini meltdown. “I send people to prison for a living ... I’m not that kind of girl ...” (read: I feel bloated today). Juan convinces her to strip down in the least pervy way possible. What a great dad.- Kelly, who is a “dog lover” by trade is dressed like a big poop. Literally, poop: complete with bald cap and brown head to toe makeup. So violently unattractive that she must have done something awful to Chris Harrison. But her good attitude gets her the group date rose. See? It never pays to whine (Andi).At the after party, boring Cassandra (the 21 year-old dancer/makeup artist) tells Juan Pablo she has a two-year old son (you do the math) so now she’s guaranteed to get a rose. Way to bury the lead, Cassie. “That’s a good surprise!” JP says with a face filled with genuine glee, making my ovaries hurt. Victoria drinks too much flat champagne and whips out this gem (it’s best if read slurred): “If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day because that’s what life is about, straddling and things...” Classy. She locks herself in a bathroom sobbing because she hasn’t had any alone time with the guy she wants to hump. Renee (Den Mother of the year), slides under the stall door to very sweetly console. Not sanitary or helpful. Juan Pablo -- a veteran in the shutting down little girl tantrums department -- tries next but gets cussed out. Victoria is sent to the nearest Holiday Inn where she can’t be a bad influence on the other impressionable young ladies. Juan Pablo, as usual, is a perfect gentleman about the situation. He kindly executes her the next day in her hotel room. Conclusion: highly emotional drunks are unfit mothers and suitors for sober guys. Then comes the rose ceremony.No real surprises here. The curly haired girl flat irons her hair so she gets to stay. Cassandra’s a mom now so she’s sacrificed. Sharleen is still a b-word but she's "elegant" so gets a pass. Time's up for the only woman of color and Amy is let go after she "interviews" Juan Pablo in a campy, cringe-worthy news anchor routine. Men don't like performance art, missy. When will these women learn?Still high on our power rankings: Clare, Nikki, Andi, ReneeSee ya next week! Until then, cover up and drink in moderation.
This week’s episode of Glee was like a bowl of free waiting room candy. It was sweet, generic, and it made you smile, but it didn’t change your day too much. It was really just a way to help pass the time. In “Guilty Pleasures,” the glee club revealed their deepest darkest secrets while our terrific threesome in New York did the exact same thing. One person professed their love while another finally got their ass kicked to the curb — find out who’s who and so much more in this week’s glee-bee loving recap!
So Here’s What You Missed on Glee:
You Put The Boom Boom Into My Heart: The episode opens and we see Blaine looking all kinds of adorable in his Cheerios uniform and offering his best buddy Sam 50 dollars. Apparently when Blaine was walking through the cafeteria the other day he saw Sam stealing bags of pasta, and Blaine just wants to make sure that everything is all right with his family. Sam admits with a reluctant smile, “I have been stealing pasta but it’s not for dinner, it’s art.” (Side-Note: Color me intrigued…)
Sam takes his bestie into an empty classroom and reveals his incredible macaroni portraits featuring Emma Stone, Leann Rimes, The dudes from Duck Dynasty, and Kurt. Sam admits, “They’re my guilty pleasure, my art teacher thinks I’m some sort of genius.” (Side-Note: These are great and all my dear Sam, but where is the portrait of your lady love Miss Brittany S. Pierce? Doesn’t she deserve to have her lovely face captured in the essence of macaroni? Sigh.)
Sam then tells Blaine it’s his turn to reveal his guilty pleasure. “Everybody’s got that one thing that they like — that they’re so ashamed of that they refuse to admit it to anybody.” In order to stop himself from professing his love for Sam right then and there, Blaine quickly admits that he loves the ‘80s band Wham!
Tina then pops into the classroom, revealing that Mr. Schue is sick that week and glee club is therefore canceled. Sam then says one of the best lines of the entire episode: “Hey, just curious, are you going to go over to his house, straddle him while he’s passed out, and rub some ointment on his chest?” (Side-Note: Hah! Burn! Goodness it’s nice to see Trouty Mouth using those lips for well-timed jokes instead of just those countless impressions. And sorry Tina, but it’s still beyond weird that you vapo-raped Blaine.)
Blaine and Sam decide to take over the New Directions for the week, and they assign a fun new assignment: Guilty Pleasures! (Side-Note: Has anyone else noticed the fact that Mr. Schue has been MIA for the majority of the season? Tsk tsk! He used to be so devoted to these kids — he would teach even when he was sick and hallucinating mini New Directioners!) Blaine and Sam break quickly break into a finger-snapping, shorty shorts-wearing, neon-infused rendition of Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” and it was pure ‘80s perfection. (Side-Note: Do you think Glee’s version of “Wake Me Up” was better than Zoolander’s or Family Guy’s? Cast your vote in our Wham!-tastic poll!)
Later in the locker room, Sam admits another shameful secret to Blaine: Sam is a Barry Manilow fan! Blaine encourages his friend to embrace his inner Fanilow at glee club, so Sam puts on the most ruffly purple sleeves I have ever seen in my entire 23 years of existence and shimmies and shakes his way through the choir room singing “Copacabana.”
As the music plays, one-by-one the New Directioners join Sam, showcasing their hottest dance moves. (Side-Note: Okay who else saw Brittany channeling her inner Rebel Wilson and doing a little mermaid dancing on the choir room floor?! Don’t ever change honey!) At the end of the performance the boys all admit that they too love Mr. Barry Manilow, and Sam looks like an overly excited second grader as he beams at his friends.
Spice Up Your Life: Over in the hallway, Brittany approaches Kitty with a blunt and amazing greeting. “Guess what? Everyone hates you.” Kitty quickly explains that she’s trying to be better, and that even her pastor says “Jesus took baby-steps.” Brittany quickly counters, “Do you go to the church of Satan? Because you’re really mean. You tell Marley that she’s fat even though your face looks like a soccer ball and we both know that blondes have magical powers like doing the splits and turning Swedish.” (Side-Note: It’s so true. We blondes do have magical powers. However do you think my hair gets this shiny? Or how do you explain that I practically survive on gummy bears and coffee? It’s magic!)
Holy Crap it’s time for the greatest web series ever created: Fondue For Two!! (Side-Note: I knew it was coming but I still screamed when I saw that gooey cheese flash across my TV screen. Fondue For Two automatically makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and I fully intend to channel my blonde magical powers and be a guest on there one day. Dream big ladies!) Brittany automatically jumps into her brilliantly honest self. “So Kitty, everyone at school hates you because you’re a two-faced lying slut who no one can trust.” Miss Pierce says that people just haven’t really gotten to know her yet, so she needs to use this time on Fondue for Two to reveal her deepest darkest secrets — her guilty pleasures. Kitty reveals, “I like to fart around old people and watch their faces because they just assumed they did it.” (Side-Note: Um… ew.)
The two lovely ladies go back and forth, admitting their love of all the Bring it On movies, and Kitty finally whispers her guiltiest of pleasures into Brittany’s ear. The next day at school, Tina and the rest of the glee club ladies confront Kitty — demanding to know what her secret is. Kitty refuses but Brittany lets it slip: The Spice Girls. Cue the natural girl freak out in 3… 2… 1! The ladies shriek in delight and all admit that they absolutely love the Spice Girls. (Side-Note: Fun-Fact: When I was in 5th grade I hosted a Spice Girls sleepover and invited all my friends to dress up as their favorite singer. Obviously I was Baby Spice and I rocked that lollipop and pigtails with pride.)
Over in the auditorium the girls are deciding which Spice Girl they all want to be, and Brittany looks to Unique saying — “Mercedes, I don’t think you should be Scary Spice just because you’re black. I think it’s really racist that Scary Spice is the only black one.” So here’s the breakdown: Brittany is Sporty, Marley is Posh, Kitty is Ginger, Unique is Baby and that leaves Tina as Scary. (Side-Note: Umm no. If Unique wanted to be Scary, why is she stuck being Baby Spice? I personally think that Marley’s doe-eyes would have been best for Baby and then Tina could get some sexy time to shine as Posh. The next time I see Mr. Murphy I’m definitely bringing this up!)
After a super spicy introduction from Sam and Blaine, the music starts and our Glee girls pay homage to a ‘90s classic “Wannabe.” (Side-Note: Damn. I’m kinda sad I’m not more excited about this. Kitty looks all kinds of fierce as Ginger and Marley is pulling off Posh way more then I ever thought she could, but I really think that someone else besides Unique should have had the lead vocals in this song. I would’ve loved to hear Brittany rap out the A-Z part. And they clearly should’ve let Ryder take part in this. He was adorably excited during this whole performance.)
NEXT: Boyfriend Pillows and Ex-Boyfriends
Confessions and Cash: What a coincidence you guys! In the amazing New York side of Glee, Kurt is also admitting his guilty pleasures. From his obsessive marathons with powerhouse women in TV history, to his sweating with the oldies workout tapes with the one and only Richard Simmons — Kurt has quite a few guilty pleasures. (Side-Note: I personally wish his guilty pleasure would be calling Blaine more often, but hey that’s just my suggestion. Now please excuse me while I re-watch “Come What May” again…)
But Kurt’s deepest darkest guilty pleasure is his boyfriend arm — oh yes, you read that correctly! Basically it’s a pillow that looks like half of a headless torso that you can sleep with at night so you can feel like you’re being cuddled. (Side-Note: Okay I’m torn. On one hand this is beyond creepy, but on the other I want to lay down with a fella pillow and see what all the fuss is about. I’d name my pillow Hunter. Bonus Points to the first person who tweets me if they know the meaning behind my fake man-pillow’s name.)
After watching Santana and Kurt bicker in the bathroom while Rachel is channeling her inner opera-singer in the shower, it’s clear that Brody is no longer a loft resident. (Side-Note: Yeah, I guess getting your skanky ass whooped by your girlfriend’s true love would be pretty intimidating.) We then see a flashback to when Body was moving out, and he didn’t even give Rachel a real reason for their breakup saying, “We’ll always be friends.” To which Santana replies, “Puke.” (Side-Note: Sheesh I love you Santana! I said, “Ugh barf,” at the exact same moment. Kindred spirits.)
Santana then offers to cheer Rachel up by playing an innocent little prank on Kurt, but when the two girls go in to put his hand in a pot of warm water, they see his secret. Kurt reluctantly introduces the girls to Bruce and makes it clear that they cannot borrow him. So instead, Kurt presents the ladies with their very own boyfriend arms — well, actually, Santana’s is wearing nightgown and has one breast so she gets a girlfriend arm. (Side-Note: How thoughtful! And I’m just saying, but I’ve seen Brittany wearing a flannel shirt once or twice before that looks exactly like that!)
However, Rachel is not too pleased with her gift. “I’m not lonely, okay?" she says. "I don’t need anything to cuddle with. Just because Brody moved out doesn’t mean that we’re not getting back together." (Side-Note: Oh sweet sweet Rachel if only you knew the truth. Oh wait, Santana’s about to tell you. Yay!) Santana can’t take it anymore saying, “I was wrong about Brody being a drug dealer... I was just wrong about what he was selling. Your boyfriend wasn’t a cater-waiter, he was a giggalo. Like Magic Mike — with happy endings for money.”
Rachel looks like she’s about to pass out and looks to Kurt for conformation. It only takes one solemn glance from her best friend for Rachel to realize that the whole thing is true, and she storms off to her bedroom. (Side-Note: I wonder if Cassie knew that Brody was a prostitute. Did she pay him that night? Did that spark his sex-for-money extra curricular activity? And where the hell is Cassie?! We also weren’t even given a proper goodbye with SJP at Vogue either. Rude.)
The next day at NYADA we see Rachel approach Brody, and the two are about to hold hands when she slips him a little cash. Body looks confused and asks what the money is for. Rachel smiles saying, “I was hoping I could have dinner with you tonight. I’m sorry, is it not enough? I didn’t know what the going rate was these days for male hookers.” (Side-Note: OMG yes!! This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Watching Rachel unleash inner snark is like watching a unicorn frolic with a couple fairies — it’s beautiful and rare as hell, but when it does happen it’s like you don’t ever want the moment to end.)
Brody tells Rachel not to judge him, and that not everyone has “doting daddies” to pay for their college. (Side-Note: How dare you make her feel bad for having two hard-working parents who love her and want her to succeed! Once again, you don’t have to be a professional whore to pay for college. Go. To. Abercrombie.)
Brody clearly thinks that Rachel has been talking to Finn. “Who do you think did this to my face?" he says. "Your ex-fiance! He jumped out of a bathroom and went all Frankenstein on me.” (Side-Note: Um no little Brody, you’re wrong. Finn was only going to punch you once, but then you went ballistic and threw a lamp at his back. Do I really need to explain that lamps are for light, not for throwing? P.S. you totally deserved it.)
Rachel looks shocked, realizing that Finn flew all the way to New York and she knew nothing about it. Brody apologies for lying to her, but he tells Rachel that he’s always been honest about his feelings for her. Rachel admits, “You’re right — I haven’t been completely honest with you. I think that there was a part of me that was using this partly to make Finn jealous, and the other part to just fill my own personal heartache.” (Side-Note: And with that one line Finchel fans get to happily dance around, because Rachel admitted that she never fully had true feelings for Brody. Her fuel for being with him was out of the desire to make Finn jealous and to cure her aching Finn-loving heart. Ahem… Squee!) Rachel and Brody then break into a duet of “Creep” and darkness creeps across the screen, signaling the end of Brochel.
NEXT: Even More Lima Secrets and The Episode’s Best Moments!
Even More Secrets: Tina walks up to the McKinley Spice Girls looking like she’s just seen a ghost and says that she just overheard something horrific. The next thing we know, Marley is practically running down the hall. She yells “Hey!” in a surprisingly manly voice when she sees Jake. “Tell me it’s not true,” she demands. “Tell me you’re not planning to sing a Chris Brown song?!” (Side-Note: Woah there little one. This is coming form a girl who truly despises Chris Brown, but I think you need to tone down the dramatics just a bit, mmkay? You can still get your point across if you tell him calmly; you don’t need to full-on scream at him from across the hallway.)
All of the glee club girls corner Jake in the choir room and list all of the terrible things that Chris Brown has done — and goodness gracious there are a lot! Jake counters their arguments, saying he knows that the singer is a complete douchebag, but he still enjoys listening to some of his songs. “All I’m saying is we should be able to separate the art from the artist.” The girls storm out of the room and Marley gives Jake a look like, “If you ever want to possibly sleep with me in the future, you’d better change your song choice.”
After the Spice Glees have their time to shine, Jake announces that he is not singing a Chris Brown song... but he is going to be singing a different Brown song. The music starts ,and Jake's super-sweet dance moves take over as he belts out Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” (Side-Note: I could watch Jake’s super sweet dance moves all damn day. I’m really hoping to see a routine with he and Mike Chang in the near future, so fingers crossed!)
Over in the hallway, Tina is embracing one of her favorite guilty pleasures as Vicky the robot girl from the ‘80s cult show Small Wonder. (Side-Note: Okay, even I don’t fully get that reference, so how are all you lovely glee-bees supposed to know what the heck Tina is doing? I’m with Kitty, this is strange.) Jake comes over to the girls and apologizes, saying that that he didn’t realize that Bobby Brown allegedly got Whitney Houston hooked on crack. He and Marley are once again peachy keen, and they celebrate the end of their fight with a sweet yet passionate kiss.
In the library, Sam encourages Blaine to reveal even more secrets to the Glee club. So in just a matter of minutes, in a dimly lit auditorium we see a solemn-looking former warbler sitting at the piano. Blaine begins playing and it only takes 1.5 seconds for me to realize something magical is going on: They’re letting Darren Criss sing live! (Side-Note: I know that Blaine is not a universally loved character, but goodness gracious you have to admit that Darren is a fantastic singer! There are very few people on that show besides Lea, Chris and possibly Naya who could beautifully carry a scene without pre-recording the song. Bravo handsome!)
Blaine sings a simple yet powerful rendition of Phil Collins’ “Take a Look at Me Now,” and it’s clear to everyone that he’s dedicating this song to Sam. Tina — clearly still pissed that Blaine couldn’t switch sides for her — calls him out in front of everyone requesting to know who the song was about. (Side-Note: I absolutely love the fact that Kitty hit Tina and told her to “Shut it.” I was thinking the exact same thing. Protective and sweet Kitty is definitely my favorite side to this fierce cheerio.) Blaine quickly scrambles for an answer saying. “It was about Kurt obviously, the breakup is still a fresh wound.” Lies.
The Final Five: Back in the auditorium, Sam finds Blaine and says to his friend what we’ve all known for weeks now: “Dude it’s okay I get it, your guilty pleasure is me. I’ve known all year, and frankly, I’m an attractive guy. If you are into dudes and you weren’t into me then I’d probably be pretty offended.” (Side-Note: Aww that was sweet! But I’m totally over these unnecessary crushes now.) Sam tells Blaine that nothing is going to change and they are still going to be McKinley High’s two best bros, and they hug it out.
Over in the NYC loft, Kurt and Santana are enjoying a Facts of Life marathon. Rachel enters the room and announces that even though she and Brody are going to remain professional at school they are officially… wait for it… over! Rachel then takes a moment to thank Santana for trying to make her realize the truth, saying that she’ll never doubt her psychic Mexican third eye ever again. Rachel also adds, “I appreciate you getting Finn to come and defend my honor.” (Side-Note: See! Even Rachel thinks what Finn did was romantic!)
The music starts in New York, and the sounds of ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” fills the loft. Over in Lima, the glee club emerge on stage in some of the craziest, most amazing costumes we’ve ever seen. (Side-Note: First of all, why is this song a guilty pleasure? I openly LOVE it! Also, the fact that Brittany is wearing a cape is perfect. All is right in the world now that she has unleashed our magical blonde secret — and bonus Points for the hula-hoops.) The song ends far too quickly, and we bid adieu to our gleeks for the next three weeks.
Most Heartwarming Moment: Rachel thanking Santana for being a great friend and inviting her to live in the loft permanently. Oh, and Fondue For Two!
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Hearing Kitty say that Lord Tubbington only has three weeks to live, and realizing that I won’t be able to come up with creative yet vicious ways to make fun of Brody
“Hunger is a big problem in this country, although so is obesity which is confusing.” — Blaine
“We both know that blondes have magical powers like doing the splits and turning Swedish.” — Brittany
“Hey, just curious, are you going to go over to his house, straddle him while he’s passed out, and rub some ointment on his chest?” — Sam
“Lord Tubbington’s guilty pleasure is scientology.” — Brittany
“Nothing’s scarier than a girl with a penis.” — Kitty
“One, Rachel’s beautiful. Two, you’re a bitch. And three, those are my beauty products.” — Kurt
What did you think of “Guilty Pleasures”? How are you feeling knowing that Brody and Rachel are officially over? Does anyone actually miss having the adults around? Sing me your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX]
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