Vampires, vampires everywhere and not a drop (of blood) to drink. You can't swing a clove of garlic these days without hitting some undead person with some fangs to grind looking for every bare neck they can find. But, as we all know, every vampire — and his or her fanbase — is different. There is a blood-sucker to suit every personality type. Let's see what these different vamps say about the people that love them. Barnabas Collins: The Dark Shadows dandy protagonist has had many incarnations.
What It Says About You: If you're already in love with the Johnny Depp character from the new movie, then you're the type of person who jumps on the newest trend before it's even broken so you can tell people, "I saw Dark Shadows during its opening weekend while you were still in line for The Avengers." If you're still in love with the old character played on the '70s soap opera, then you're the type of person who never lets go of a pop cultural fixation, no matter how many Pet Rocks, Beanie Babies, or Pokemon pass you by. If you're in love with him from the 1991 revival, then you are me and you are currently writing this article.
Eric Northman: This True Blood baddy is a killer with a heart of gold... and everything Sookie desires.
What It Says About You: You're in your late 20s and possibly 30s and you are probably a woman with a working set of eyes and a rather strong libido. You own at least one pair of "fancy panties." You were always a Backstreet Boys fan and didn't care much for *NSYNC. You still have a crush on John Stamos from Full House.
Stefan Salvatore: The nice brother on The Vampire Diaries is always fighting his hotter brother.
What It Says About You: You like to cuddle. You are in your early 20s and only watch CW shows on your laptop. You are definitely a woman because all the gays like Ian Somerhalder better. You watched Hart of Dixie and actually liked it. Jerk.
Edward Cullen: The Twilight lover has launched four movies, one love triangle, and a billion ear-piercing screams.
What It Says About You: You have waited overnight in line for tickets to a concert and probably to attend one of these movies. You have lost all critical faculties and blindly praise the things you love, even when they disappoint you. You think that Kristen Stewart is the devil. You have at least one set of those magic markers that smell like different fruit.
Bram Stoker's Dracula: The original literary character is still one of the deadliest.
What It Says About You: You work in a creative field and often say at parties, "I don't own a television," all superior-like, but you still watch America's Next Top Model for free on your laptop. You have a crush on Keanu Reeves and subscribe to more than one Tumblr that is mostly just animated .gifs. You are wary of the Kindle.
Santánico Pandemónium: Salma Hayek made a splash in From Dusk Till Dawn with her sex dance.
What It Says About You: You are a man.
Blade: This Marvel vampire hunter-turned-action picture star is also a vamp himself.
What It Says About You: You don't really love vampires, you only half love vampires. There is something about your basic nature that you are denying. It is probably your love for vampires, but it might be something more. You don't pay your taxes.
Lestat: Whether it's the character from Anne Rice's books or Tom Cruise from Interview with a Vampire, he's always added some rock 'n' roll to the proceedings.
What It Says About You: You may or may not have exited a goth phase that started sometime in high school. You know who Poppy Z. Brite is and have very definite opinions about her. You own something other than underwear that is made of lace. Your hair is not its natural color. You have made out in a graveyard.
Angel: Buffy's forbidden lover was a vampire cursed with a soul. He was also good enough to graduate to his own show.
What It Says About You: You own at least one The Smiths CD. Your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is prone to fits of depression and you love him even more for it. Every time you have a romp in the hay, you feel like you lose a little bit of yourself. Your mother hates your boyfriend.
The Count: Sesame Street's purple-skinned demon had more of a thirst for numbers than blood.
What It Says About You: You are probably a child and not old enough to read this. Go get your mother and tell her that she shouldn't leave you alone with the computer.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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S4:E1“If your job is to look after me, then can I just say that you suck!” - Sookie
Welcome back, True Blood fans! (Blooders? Blans? Bluddites?) I would say that it’s been a long year without the TB crew to keep us company, but honestly, it’s pretty simple to duplicate the effect of the show by listening to a Twilight audiobook while watching porn and intermittently spraying fake blood at the screen. Though to be fair, it is hard to find porn stars as attractive as Alexander Skarsgard.
Season 4 picks up right were 3 left off, following Sookie’s sojourn into fairy land. For the majority of her trip into the great, soft-focused beyond, I was distracted by how low-budget and fake the sets looked, and was prepared to complain ad-nauseum in the recap. It turns out, however, that the crappy sets were all a product of fairy magic, so the suck may have been stylistic rather than an act of set designer rebellion. Yes, to the shock of everyone who has never heard of a fairy tale before, Sookie’s fairy godparents aren’t on the up-and-up. Sookie and her newly rediscovered grandfather escape from the magical trap and make it back to the real world barely past the opening song (which it is great to hear again, to be sure), but Sookie’s grandad dies in a way that I’m sure would be very dramatic if we hadn’t just met him four minutes ago. Sookie heads back to her house, only to discover this season’s shocking plot twist- she’s been gone for over a year! I’ll just leave this here for appropriate dramatic effect.
“We figured a vampire must a did it! Like Bill, or maybe that crazy tall one...”- Jason
Yes, True Blood has decided to jump forward a year. I’ll come out in tentative support of the idea- it helps get some distance from some of the stupider plots of last season, and it was getting kind of ridiculous that the last three seasons have taken place over the course of about two months. But on the other hand, it means that we’re probably going to have to spend half of the season watching flashbacks of the stuff that we missed, but don’t care about. And now that we know how it turns out, I especially won’t care about it.
Most of the episode was spent reintroducing the characters after their year haitus, and not too much has changed. Bill is his usual whiny self, but as a result of his season-closing fight with Sophie-Ann, is the new vampire King of Louisiana. And, hilariously, was accused of murdering Sookie during her disappearance. To the credit of the Bon Temps police department, it’s usually the victim’s significant other, but I know some particularly tenacious gerbils that could take Bill in a fight.
Jason has apparently matured during Sookie’s disappearance, going so far as to get a regular job as a babysitter. When he’s a cop, he spends all his time babysitting Andy and his burgeoning V addiction, and off-duty he works babysitting the inbred meth compound. Jason’s maturity doesn’t translate into intelligence, however, as he gets himself captured and locked into a refrigerator. Also babysitting, in a far more literal way, are Arlene and Terry, who’ve been taking care of Arlene’s evil hell spawn. For the moment, his only symptom is a hatred of Barbie dolls, which indicates that he’s either going to grow up to be the demonic source of all evil, or a feminist.
"My name is Eric Northman, I’m a tax-paying American, and small business owner in the great state of Louisiana. I’m also a vampire." - Eric
Eric is basically still up to his old tricks, but is putting a friendlier, or less openly homicidal, face on the vampire rights movement. It’s good that the cameras weren’t around at the end of the episode, as Eric pulled an Edward Cullen and surprised an undressing Sookie in her bedroom. According to Eric, he owns her because he bought her grandmother’s house. I know that Eric’s old, and it’s hard to keep track of things like that, but we have some very specific amendments that discourage the whole “people-owning” thing. As amusing as Bill and Eric’s sundown race to proclaim their love was, both vampires have started to slip in the creepy to cute ratio away from “lovesick puppy” and towards “guy in the bushes with binoculars.”
The other residents of Bon Temps have also gotten on with their lives. Lafayette and Jesus are still together, (and still adorable) and have joined a hippie magic coven in the Bon Temps’ equivalent of Giles’ magic shop. Things may not be all that they appear, however, (ain’t that a shock) as their group leader seems to be able to channel the dead, and is delving into necromancy. A necromancer in a town full of dead folks? Looks like I just found the season’s villain!
Sam is back at the bar, and apparently didn’t kill his pain-in-the-ass brother at the end of the last season. He just shot him in the leg so hard that he found Jesus. Sam’s also started “anger management”, which is another word for “fun shapeshifting party!” Tara, who I was pretty sure got written off the show last year, is back as a bisexual cage-fighter in New Orleans. And because there’s no possible way to top the absurdity of that sentence, I’m just going to stop the recap here.
Sookie uses thoughspeech to talk in secret with her grandfather, in a room where EVERYONE CAN USE THOUGHTSPEECH. Maybe copious blood loss isn’t good for the IQ score.
“You owe me a plaque!”
“Everyone is welcome at Fangtasia. Vampires, Humans, men, women, families, pets. Everyone is welcome, come on down. The blood is warm, and so is the service.” Damn, have I ever missed Pam.
“Who would you rather trust? A politician or a vampire?”
“And then it turned out to be a boy, and their ain’t no boy version of Sookie.” Good point, Terry. What kind of name is Sookie, anyway?