Is it turtle time yet?
The latest adventure for the heroes in a half-shell is still a couple months away, but the newest trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gives us a somewhat new preview of Jonathan Liebesman and Michael Bay's burly, live-action update of the turtles. While we've seen most of the footage here before, we do finally get a glimpse at all four turtles in their element: Raphael is sporting a trademark scowl, Leonardo is looking stoic, Michelangelo is making jokes (and seriously freaking out April O'Neil), and Donatello is buried knee deep in his own gadgetry. Now that we've gotten a look at the foursome, the time has come to ask the all-important question: Which is your favorite Ninja Turtle?
It's a question that has broken friendships, forged new ones, and charged schoolyard debates for the past two decades. Your favorite turtle speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. We've decided to break out the old Psychology 101 textbook we didn't manage to sell back in college, and analyze your choice of your favorite Ninja Turtle.
Leo is the leader of the group and a devout student of martial arts.If you're favorite Turtle is Leonardo: You’re the alpha male. You’re a natural born leader, and you walk around with so much swaggering confidence and charisma, people glom onto you like thirsty leeches. You love to swoop in and solve petty squabbles, and you love the fact that people look up to you. Whatever interest you take, you feel the need to dominate in it. You’re a high school quarterback, the captain of the soccer team, the captain of the basketball team, the captain of the water polo team, hell, you even found a way to become the captain of the local AA group and you’re not even an alcoholic. You almost exclusively wear varsity jackets and you rotate them throughout the week on a very specific schedule. You often go out looking for old ladies to help cross the street. If no old ladies want to cross the street, you make them. You are almost literally the best at everything.Currently on your bookshelf: How to Win Friends and Influence People.Currently on your DVR: Law and Order: SVU. You get a contact high from all the justice. Watching Elliot Stabler hospitalize sexual abusers makes you as giddy as a schoolgirl. Justice feels so good.
Raph is the brawn of the group. He's aggressive and pugnacious. Two traits that often get him into trouble.If your favorite Turtle is Raphael: You're in serious need of anger management. You sometimes worry that you’ve forgotten how to smile. You've never encountered a fight you couldn't start...and finish. You love not only having anger, but having righteous anger, and any opportunity to really tell someone off should be cherished like a newborn baby, and you definitely hate babies. You want to gut your coworker that's been sniffling every five seconds for the past three hours. You get way too angry at the latest comic book film news well before it's time to form an actual opinion. You’ve already stopped reading because some stupid Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles personality guide isn’t gonna tell you how to live your life. The nerve of them. "The nerve of them" is also one of your most commonly used phrases. Deep down though, under all that hate and animosity, you really just want to be loved.Currently on your bookshelf: Tao of Jeet Kun Do by Bruce Lee.Currently on your DVR: Sons of Anarchy. Watching all those bikers rain blows upon everyone and thing they cross paths with is like meditation to you.
Nickelodeon Movies/Paramount Pictures
Mikey is the fun-loving, nunchakus-weilding, pizza-scarfing prankster of ther group. If your favorite Ninja Turtle is Michaelangelo: You’re the easy-going jokester of your group. Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused is your patron saint of cool. You laze around to surf rock and wonder why puka shell necklaces aren’t a thing anymore... but you don’t worry about trends, because that’s just not your bag, man. You break out in hives if you’re away from the beach for too long. You also an avid fan of pizza. Like a really big fan. Like seriously, get some help, you have a debilitating pizza addiction. You’ve been banned for life from every Dominos in the tri-state area and just looking at a block of pepperoni can send you on a greasy downward spiral. But it’s cool, brah.Currently on your bookshelf: The Art of Pizza Making. (It was a gift!)Currently on your DVR: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Donnie is the brains of the group. He's the smartest turtle by an underground mile.If your favorite Turtle is Donatello: You’re a nerd and proud of it. You're super smart, and you take your friends to museums because it will be "good for them." You put a roll of tape on perfectly good tortoise-shell spectacles just to increase your nerd aesthetic. Did I mention you were into thick-framed glasses way before the collective population of Brooklyn claimed them as its ironic eyewear of choice? You take pride in having volumes of information at the ready at all times, and can roll out digits of Pi like bullets from a machine gun, and get a jolt of pride when some random factoid you know can be useful in conversation. You’ve made it your mission to be the smartest guy on the internet, and you’re actually alarmingly close. You make Trivial Pursuit your constant bitch.Currently on your bookshelf: Ulysses, because you wan’t to be that guy who says he understood Ulysses, and how it was actually quite the leisurely read.Currently on your DVR: Cosmos. You already know everything and more about astronomy, but you watch it the same way regular folks sometimes zone out to old Everybody Loves Raymond episodes they've seen a dozen times.
Salt the propulsive new thriller from Phillip Noyce (Clear and Present Danger Patriot Games) has been dubbed “Bourne with boobs ” but that label isn’t entirely accurate. In the role of Evelyn Salt a CIA staffer hunted by her own agency after a Russian defector fingers her in a plot to murder Russia’s president Angelina Jolie keeps her two most potent weapons holstered hidden under pantsuits and trenchcoats and the various other components of a super-spy wardrobe that proudly emphasizes function over flash.
But flash is one thing Salt never lacks for. Its breathless cat-and-mouse game hits full-throttle almost from the outset when a former KGB officer named Orlov (Daniel Olbrychski) stumbles into a CIA interrogation room and begins spilling details of a vast conspiracy. Back in the ‘70s hardline elements of the Soviet regime launched an ambitious new front in the Cold War flooding the western world with orphans trained to infiltrate the security complexes of their adopted homelands and wait patiently — decades if necessary — for the order to initiate a series of assassinations intended to trigger a devastating nuclear clash between the superpowers from which the treacherous Reds would emerge triumphant.
The Soviet Union may have long ago collapsed (or did it? Hmmm...) but its army of brainwashed killer orphan spies remains in place and if this crazy Orlov fellow is to be believed they stand poised to reignite the Cold War. It’s a preposterous — even idiotic — scheme but no more so than any of our government’s various harebrained proposals to kill Castro back in the ‘60s. As such the CIA treats it with grave seriousness even the part that that pegs Salt who just happens to be a Russian-born orphan herself as a key player in the conspiracy.
Salt bristles at the accusation but suspecting a set-up she opts to flee rather than face interrogation from her bosses Winter (Liev Schreiber) and Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor). A former field agent she’s been confined to a desk job since a clandestine operation in North Korea went south leaving her with a nasty shiner and a rather unremarkable German boyfriend (now her unremarkable German husband). She’s clearly kept up her training during while cubicle-bound however and in a blaze of resourceful thinking and devastating Parkour Fu she fends off a dozen or so agents of questionable competence and takes to the streets where she sets about to clear her name and unravel the Commie orphan conspiracy before the authorities can catch up with her. That is if she isn’t a part of the conspiracy.
The premise which aims to resurrect Cold War tensions and graft them onto a modern-day spy thriller is absurdly clever — and cleverly absurd. But Kurt Wimmer’s screenplay isn’t satisfied with the merely clever and absurd — it must be mind-blowing. Salt is one of those thrillers that ladles out its backstory slowly and in tiny portions every once in a while dropping a revelatory bombshell that effectively blows the lid off everything that happened beforehand. No one is who they seem and every action every gesture no matter how seemingly trivial is imbued with some kind of grand significance. The effect of piling on one insane twist after another has the effect of gradually diluting the narrative. When anything is possible nothing really matters.
But spy thrillers by definition trade in the preposterous and the principal function of the summer blockbuster is to entertain. In that regard Salt more than fulfills its charge. Noyce wisely keeps the story moving at pace that allows little time for asking uncomfortable questions or poking holes in the film’s frail plot. And he has an able partner in the infinitely versatile Jolie who having already exhibited formidable action-hero chops in Wanted and the Tomb Raider films proves remarkably adept at the spy game as well.
It’s well-known that Jolie wasn’t the first choice to star in Salt joining the project only after Tom Cruise dropped out citing the story’s growing similarities to the Mission: Impossible films. But she’s more than just a capable replacement; she’s a welcome upgrade over Cruise not least because she’s over a decade younger (and a few inches taller) than her predecessor. Should Brad Bird require a pinch-hitter for Ethan Hunt he knows where to look.
SANTA MONICA, Calif., Feb. 10, 2000 - Want to get the goods on an "Ally McBeal" co-star's "undisclosed medical condition"? Then get thee to a supermarket and guiltily pick up the Feb. 15 edition of the Star -- wherein said "Ally McBeal" co-star seemingly spills the beans her very own self.
According to the article, tastefully titled "'Ally McBeal' Beauty Locked Up in Psycho Ward," actress Lisa Nicole Carson, who plays Ally's roommate Renee Radick on Fox's hit legal-eagle series, says she required hospitalization after smoking "a joint that was laced with PCP."
"I think the joint may have triggered a collapse in my nervous system," Carson is quoted as telling a Star reporter. "Now I'm here drinking lots and lots of water and trying to get the drugs out of my system."
The "here," according to the Star, is (or was) New York's Lenox Hill Hospital, where the 30-year-old Carson was allegedly admitted to a special ward.
Fox deferred comment on the report to Carson's publicist. A Hollywood.com phone call to said publicist went unreturned.
But last week, Carson's reps did disclose that the actress had recently completed a two-week hospital stay. The official statement on the topic of her "undisclosed medical condition" was devoid of detail. While Carson was seen (briefly) on Monday's edition of "Ally McBeal," it has been said that series producers are writing around her character for the time being.
As for Carson's take on the situation? "I'm [a] honky-tonk woman," she says in the Star. "I used to sing in a rock band and drink whiskey straight out of the bottle. I love my mommy and daddy, and when I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm very bad. I'm very good at being very bad."
LEO WATCH: Okay, he wore (or so we're told) a gray suit and matching tie. He smiled for photographers. He nobly declined the requests of those who implored, "Leo, kiss me quick!"
We speak, of course, of Leonardo DiCaprio, in London on Wednesday for the Euro premiere of "The Beach." (The flick washes ashore in these parts on Friday.)
The red-carpet affair featured the U.K. version of the A-list crowd (which reads more like the lineup for a "Behind the Music" marathon): A Spice Girl (Baby); the guy who used to sing in Simply Red; and a couple of ex-Duran Duraners.
What -- nobody from Big Country?
'BEACH' BUMMED: Don't ask Ewan McGregor about "The Beach."
According to the British magazine The Face, McGregor suggested that the filmmakers behind "The Beach" -- the same team he'd done "Trainspotting" and two other flicks for -- had gone for the obvious commercial choice in casting DiCaprio.
Asked if he felt disrespected by McGregor, DiCaprio reportedly answered: "Yeah. You know, yeah, absolutely."
Here's the ironic twist: DiCaprio has been rumored for the role of Anakin Skywalker in "Episode II" of the "Star Wars" series. Should he be cast, he'd be playing opposite McGregor (who starred in "Episode I" as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi). And as fans know, Anakin will later become Darth Vader and, um, kill Obi-Wan. That's gotta hurt.
We feel for you, Ewan.
DON'T KISS, DON'T TELL: Don't ask Michael Douglas about love. Not when he wants to talk war.
At a recent interview with reporters to discuss his upcoming film "Wonder Boys," Douglas, 55, was speaking passionately about disarmament, according to Reuters. But when an impatient journalist blurted, "So how did you meet Catherine?" (as in Catherine Zeta-Jones), Douglas retorted, "At a nuclear rally." He complimented the reporter on not even bothering to make a transition.
"You really are bored, aren't you?" he asked.
Later, Douglas finally allowed that he met Zeta-Jones, now 30, by arranging a meeting through a friend because he was so impressed with her in "The Mask of Zorro."
And now back to the disarmament issue ...
QUICK TAKES: Looks like Whoopi Goldberg will exercise her hosting chops again -- but not at the Oscars. While Billy Crystal returns for another Academy Awards engagement, Goldberg has been tapped to host the Screen Actors Guild Awards on March 12 in Los Angeles. It will be aired on TNT ...
... In New Orleans, a federal appeals court stood behind Oprah Winfrey Wednesday, ruling that the TV talk queen did not defame the cattle industry in a 1996 show that sparked a headline-making 1998 veggie-libel trial.
... More fun at the Happiest Place on Earth. In Delaware on Wednesday, an appeals court ruled that Disney shareholders do have the right to sue the Magic Kingdom over that $140 goodbye package Michael Ovitz received when he left the company in 1997 after a grueling, um, 15 months on the job.
...Ain't it cute? Kirsten Dunst's prom date will be actor Josh Hartnett, her co-star from the upcoming "The Virgin Suicides." The matchup happened when Dunst asked Seventeen magazine entertainment editor Michelle Shapiro for date suggestions. Shapiro immediately walked up to Hartnett, who answered: "Sure."
MUSIC BEAT: D'Angelo's "Voodoo" spends a second turn at No. 1 on the Billboard album chart this week. Overall, the Top Five was virtually unchanged from last week: No. 2 was Santana's "Supernatural," Dr. Dre's "Dr. Dre 2001" held at No. 3 and Celine Dion's "All the Way ... a Decade of Song" stayed at No. 4. Christina Aguilera's self-titled album jumped to the No. 5 spot.
In singles action, the new No. 1 is "Thank God I Found You" by Mariah Carey's collaboration with Joe and 98 Degrees. Rounding out the Top Five: "I Knew I Loved You," by Savage Garden; "What a Girl Wants," by Christina Aguilera; "Get it on Tonite," by Montell Jordan; and "Smooth," by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox20.