Are you in withdrawl from the end of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time? Well, you're in luck because MTV's new show Buckwild is basically the same thing. Well, it's like Jersey Shore and Jackass put together. But it's not a good combination like chocolate and peanut butter. It's more like putting together two great things that end up being disgusting, like bacon and yellow Gatorade. No one wants that.
Anyway Buckwild is about eight high school graduates (that is how they gauge success in West Virginia) in the country and the crazy lives they lead and the insane stunts they pull. There is boozing and fighting and girls falling over without wearing their underwear, so it's just like JS. Also, they have all sorts of words and traditions that don't make any sense to the average viewer. In order so that everyone can understand these beloved bumpkins, I compiled a glossary of what you need to know from the first two episodes (which you can watch below). Consider yourself schooled.
Sissonville, West Virginia: The home of Buckwild. According to its inhabitants, it is the "funnest" place on Earth.
The Coolest Guys: Someone who works either as a trash collector or at the spark plug factory.
Wheel Rolling: A native past time where an individual climbs into a giant tractor tire and then goes rolling down a hill. The passenger regularly wears a helmet after the grisly incident involving Sonny McBride back in 1986.
Muddin': Driving a pickup truck through muddy puddles with the intent of splashing those in the back of the truck with grime and debris. The most honored position in the truck isn't the driver's seat, but in the cab of the truck where one gets the jostling effect of the ride but with the added benefit of staying clean.
Blowed His Motor Up: This is nothing to do with an explosion in an engine but rather getting ones car stuck in the mud through reckless behavior. It is usually solved when someone with a tractor shows up to tow your car.
A Red Headed Farmer: According to local lore, red-headed farmers are the best kinds of farmers. This has something to do with their magical powers to withstand all the elements. They don't wear shirts in the sun or rain gear in a storm. They just ride on their tractors doing whatever they want, impervious to everything god has to offer.
Wolf Pen: The name of the place where Shain lives. Contrary to what you might believe from the name, they do not enjoy writing or spelling in Wolf Pen.
Holler: A country community usually in valley. The name comes from the echo that occurs when you scream requests for simple goods from your front door. They are usually met with a bellow of equal force but no direct results.
Wolf Pen Bouquet: Snatching a bunch of wildflowers out from the roots and handing them to a girl, dirt clods and all.
Power Plant Water: The run off of a power plant, according to the kids of Buckwild is a perfect place to swim.
Willie Wonka: The Buckwild girls red-haired neighbor. Willie Wonka has a strange code of etiquette. She believes that making demands and then saying "Please and Thank You," after them makes you polite. Willie Wonka is insane and she knows it.
Snuggles: The name of a dog that waddles.
Moving Dirt: An activity where an individual stands on a mound of dirt in the back of a dump truck and then holds onto the back of the truck when the dirt is unloaded so as not to be trapped in an avalanche of soil. There is no actual moving involved.
The Perfect Excuse to Go Out: No electricity or running water.
Rehab: The name of a bar. Amy Winehouse did not want to go there. I don't blame her.
A Va-Gine: A weak person, or one who does not have balls.
Charleston: A place where there are hundreds of cops.
Salwa: She is the life of the party, mostly because she is very willing to show off her breasts.
Attractive: A woman makes herself desirable to a man when she has good style and has a "brain on her shoulders." The bumpkin man's love of gore knows no bounds.
Swimming Pool: Since it is impossible to dig into the impenetrable mud of the holler, a pool must be fashioned out of a dump truck with mattresses in the bottom which is then covered in a giant plastic tarp taped to the sides of the truck and then filled overnight with water from the hose.
Monkey Sex: Sexual intercourse which is very loud in nature.
Having Sex in Someone Else's Bed: This is disgusting and disrespectful. It is also something that girls care about way more than boys, apparently.
Deuces: Something you scream at someone you hate as they drive away.
Daggone: An expression of exasperation used especially after someone walks away with your bag of chips and doesn't return them.
Get More: BUCKWILD, Full Episodes
Get More: BUCKWILD, Full Episodes
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: MTV]
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Finding your one true love is never easy, but come May 14 Bachelorette Emily Maynard is willing to give it a shot with 25 willing and ready suitors at her beck and call. So to help Emily weed out the keepers from the crazies, Hollywood.com has decided to determine who is really worthy of her final rose. First impressions can go a long way — let's see what kind of eligible bachelors the show has in store for her.
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Wild Card: His biggest date fear is forgetting his wallet.
Odds: He may not have that "bad boy" demeanor that the girls always go crazy for, but you have to admire a man who hates the thought of making his date pay for him all night long. Trust me, ladies, it happens more often than you think. I say this guy's got some definite potential.
Occupation: Grain Merchant
Hometown: Uberlandia, Brazil
Wild Card: Speaks both Portuguese and Spanish.
Odds: Nothing is more sexy than a man who can speak a foreign language (although having a killer body doesn't hurt either). This guy seems to have both, which should definitely come in handy when trying to stick out among the rest. Never underestimate the power of a man with an accent.
Occupation: Mushroom Farmer
Hometown: Medellin, Colombia
Wild Card: He's a Mama's Boy.
Odds: A girl could probably make peace with the fact that he's a mushroom farmer (in fact, I'd be curious to see what exactly his job entails), but he mentions his mother twice during his brief bio, which immediately sends up red flags. This guy already has a No. 1 lady in his life — and you're not it. And when asked what three things he would want with him if trapped on a desert island, one of the things was a picture of his mother. I'm sorry, but a Mama's Boy with no survival instincts is just bad news. Run!
Occupation: Race Car Driver
Hometown: Den Bosch, Netherlands
Wild Card: He's driven in the INDY 500.
Odds: Professional race car driver? Say no more — this guy has some serious fiance potential (so long as he's not fast at everything he does). Did I mention I'm single?
Occupation: Technology Salesman
Hometown: Midland, Texas
Wild Card: Calls himself a Closet Romantic.
Odds: Not to sound mean, but isn't there an age limit on this show? I know love is supposed to be ageless, but her 26 to his 41 is just a big enough age gap to make me (and I'm sure many others) feel very uncomfortable. Plus, he calls himself a Closet Romantic. Well it's a good thing he's signed up for a dating show then. It's not like you need to show affection or anything. Gosh!
Next: Meet the Dog Lover.Name: Charlie
Hometown: Worchester, Mass.
Wild Card: He's a Dog Lover, ladies.
Odds: This guy's answers were a little too clean cut to be completely legit (like when pageant contestants say all they want is World Peace), but he has a soft spot for dogs, which can't go unnoticed. In fact, he even owns an English Bulldog — adorable. He's not going to be the first guy eliminated from the show, but puppy love can only get your so far on a series like this.
Occupation: Corporate Sales Director
Hometown: Bartlett, Illinois
Wild Card: The fact that he's a Corporate Sales Director.
Odds: Given his job in sales you know he probably has a way with words, meaning he could be quite the charmer. But on the other hand, he could be like one of those annoying telemarketers or door-to-door saleman who just won't take no for an answer (in a not-so-adorable way). Whatever he may be selling, Emily may not necessarily be buying.
Hometown: Charlottesville, Virginia
Wild Card: He's a musician.
Odds: Every girl loves a guy who can sing, but musicians don't really have the most financially stable form of employment, which isn't exactly music to a single mother's ears. Sorry my friend, but you've struck the wrong chord.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Seattle, Washington
Wild Card: He still talks about his ex.
Odds: No woman wants to hear a man talk about another woman in any capacity unless he's referring to his mother or sister. When asked to recall his best date memory he mentions a "really long hug" with his ex. First of all, that's it? A hug is your very best memory? Secondly, mentioning exes too much won't help your chances on a dating show. Better get that out of your system while you can, buddy, or it's going to be a rose-less night for you.
Occupation: Fitness Model
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois
Wild Card: Doesn't like to move fast in relationships.
Odds: In his bio, Jackson says he was speechless when a girl asked him where "this" was going in the middle of their first date. If he doesn't think questions like that are going to be asked during his first one-on-one date with Emily, then he clearly has no idea what this show is all about. Next!
Next: Meet Mr. Spontaneous. Name: Jean-Paul
Occupation: Marine Biologist
Hometown: Moraga, Calif.
Wild Card: He's a little too spontaneous.
Odds: In the span of three weeks, this guy managed to quit his job and sell everything he owned, all so he could travel the world for six months. Some may call it spontaneous, but Emily will probably see it as highly unstable. Proceed with caution.
Hometown: St. George, Utah
Wild Card: The name.
Odds: Seriously? Jef with one "f"? I'm sorry, I just can't take this guy seriously. Call it woman's intuition or whatever, but this guy just isn't f'ed up enough — and I mean that quite literally. What's in a name, you might ask? A lot in this case!
Occupation: Data Destruction Specialist
Hometown: St. Louis, Missouri
Wild Card: He can cook.
Odds: Every girl loves when a guy knows his way around the kitchen. And the fact that he described it as being part of his ultimate date with a woman shows that he'd be more than willing to split cooking duties with his special someone. Whatever this guy's serving, rest assured Emily will want seconds!
Hometown: Dallas, Tex.
Wild Card: He loves Paul Newman for his philanthropic efforts. I think my heart just melted into a malleable form.
Odds: Looking good. He may have the hair of a buffer Ben Flajnik, but that’ll probably get him at least to the Hometown visits. He loves charity! What more do can you ask for?
Occupation:Luxury Brand Consultant
Hometown: Houston, Tex.
Wild Card: He stole his motto from Frank Sinatra: “You only live once … but if you’re like me, once is enough.” Gag me with a spoon. Go sell some solid gold toilets, Luxury boy.
Odds: Slim, if Emily knows what’s good for her. Even in that photo, he looks like he’s about to answer a yes or no question with “Cha.”
Next: Meet the Movie Buff. Kyle
Occupation: Financial Advisor
Hometown: Long Beach, Calif.
Wild Card: His all-time favorite movies are Zoolander, The Notebook, and Point Break, which means he clearly needs a Netflix account so he can see some more movies, but he knows enough about women to lie about how much he loved that damn Ryan Gosling movie.
Odds: He’ll stick around for a while, but the surfer boy shtick might wear thin midway through.
Occupation: Real Estate Consultant
Hometown: Laguna Beach, Calif.
Wild Card: His most embarrassing moment is losing his trunks and running down the beach naked. And now you’re wondering what he looks like naked. Which is exactly what he wanted. Perv.
Odds: He’s clearly got sex on the brain and he’s not afraid to make that known, but he’s cute and he comes from the lap of luxury. He’s got a decent shot to stick around for a while.
Occupation: Rehab Consultant
Hometown: Tahoka, Tex.
Wild Card: He’s Southern and he wishes he could be more like Ryan Gosling. If Emily dumps him, remind me to give him a call.
Odds: He played the Gosling card. He could go … all … the … way.
Hometown: Scottsdale, Ariz.
Wild Card: He prefers to be the center of attention: “I believe I was put here on Earth to lead people and spark them with enthusiasm.” Puh-leese. Translation: I’m an attention whore. Please don’t date me.
Odds: Not good. Emily’s a mother, this guy would throw a temper tantrum every time she devotes time to her child – a child who sparked her breakup with Bachelor Brad Womack.
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Oak Creek, Wis.
Wild Card: He’s a family man, loves his Sunday morning Packers game ritual with the fam. But, he’s also got two tattoos, so he’s got a little edge too.
Odds: Fairly good. He’s got a nice mix of nice guy and bad boy, meaning he’s got some tattoos and he’s brave enough to mix a plaid shirt with that grey vest and slacks.
Next: Meet the Overly-Cocky. Ryan
Occupation: Pro Sports Trainer
Hometown: Augusta, Ga.
Wild Card: His biggest fear on a date is that his date will bore him. Next!
Occupation: Biology teacher
Hometown: Nova Scotia, Canada
Wild Card: He’s shy! In fact, he’s so shy he’s afraid to even dance. A shy teacher? How is that not breaking your heart? (Okay, his hair is a little pretentious, but still.)
Odds: They’d be better if he wasn’t so shy – he’s competing with 24 other guys, after all. But he seems like a sweetheart, and women are good at spotting those ones in a crowd. Don’t miss this one, Em!
Occupation: Party MC (I’ve checked, and the US Dept. of Labor does not recognize this as a legitimate career. That’s a lie, but it should be true.)
Hometown: Monroe Township, N.J.
Wild Card: He might actually be 15 years old: He wants to be Justin Timberlake, thinks Las Vegas is the most romantic city in the U.S., and his favorite romantic gift is a 25-page book about himself. He’s basically The Situation of Bachelorville.
Odds: Nada. Yeah, buddy.
Occupation: Lumber Trader
Hometown: Beaverton, Ore.
Wild Card: He lost his pants hopping a fence in Vegas, but at least he had the decency to mention that he wasn’t going commando. Now we’re imagining him in his underwear. He’s the PG version of Lerone.
Odds: He might be male Courtney. Sexy, manly profession? From a town that sounds made-up to go with his profession? Square jaw? He’ll be around for a while.
Occupation: Advertising Sales Rep
Hometown: Madison, Mo.
Wild Card: His perfect date: boat on a lake, dinner, wine, staring at the stars. It may be cheesy, but I still want to go to there.
Odds: Alright, alright, alright.
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I'm beginning to suspect that it was 30 Rock's plan all along to take a season off, all the while accumulating an unbelievable amount of good news attached to its eventual return so that we'd all realize just how much we love, miss, and are compelled to watch it. The latest splendor to come out of the heap of 30 Rock-related developments involves three particularly fantastic guest stars: Emma Stone, Andy Samberg, and Nick Cannon, marking the kind of news you have to make sure you read correctly because it's just that awesome. The almighty Tina Fey herself has confirmed that these three young stars will be appearing on an upcoming episode of 30 Rock at the end of this month. Fey cites their involvement surrounding a fictitious movie called Martin Luther King Day (a play on the omni-casted New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day), in which Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) will also star. This comes on top of other great 30 Rock news, such as Alec Baldwin's agreement to continue on through the potential seventh season. 30 Rock's sixth season will premiere this Thursday, Jan. 12 at 8 p.m. ET/PT on NBC. -EW
You might think the best conceivable facet of the finale of Archer's upcoming third season is its concept: the spy organization ISIS embarks on an outer space mission—and by that, we mean pretty much the entire organization of ISIS (sexual deviant secretaries and boozy HR directors likely included). But there is one thing even better than the entire cast blasting off into orbit: an astronaut played by Bryan Cranston. The Breaking Bad star will be lending his unfathomable talent to Archer to play a diligent, good-natured astronaut hero on the two-part season finale. The Huffington Post also reports that Archer's third season will also see guest stars such as The Walking Dead's Michael Rooker as a corrupt sheriff and 30 Rock's Jack McBrayer as a marijuana farmer and the brother to ISIS intelligence analyst/Tennessee Williams incarnation Ray Gillette (Adam Reed), in addition to the previously mentioned Burt Reynolds. Archer's third season premiere airs on Thursday, Jan. 19 at 10 p.m. ET/PT on FX. -HuffPo
Back in November, we heard that Priest star Paul Bettany would be joining the drama series Masters of Sex, based on the lives and work of gynecologist Dr. William Masters and sexologist/psychologist Dr. Virginia Johnson as chronicled in the book Masters of Sex: The Life and Times of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the Couple Who Taught America How to Love by Thomas Maier. Bettany was cast as Masters, one of the two leads. Now, it appears that Bettany will not be involved with the project at all. There is no public explanation for Bettany's dismissal of the project. Showtime, the home of the developing drama, will now seek a replacement for Bettany as well as an actress to play Johnson. -TVLine
The Number 23 starts off with mild-mannered Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey) receiving a mysterious novel from his wife Agatha (Virginia Madsen). Suddenly his idyllic life is thrust into an inferno of psychological torture as he becomes more and more obsessed with the story about a detective named Fingerling. Cutting between scenes with the real Walter and the fictitious Fingerling (also Carrey) they both delve deep into obsession over what the significance of the number means to them. Now had the The Number 23 just stuck with that idea--how 23 somehow permeates our very existence--then it may have worked better. Instead the action veers off into Walter’s past as he starts to unlock suppressed memories and unearths an unsolved murder mystery which doesn’t really have anything to do with the number. And you feel ripped off. Is it a curse (divide 2 by 3 and you get .666)? Does it predict the future (the Mayans believed the world will end Dec. 23 2012 [20+1+2=23])? Or is it just one of those numbers that haunts you the more you try to figure it out? We want to know more dammit (that last sentence is 23 characters without spaces by the way). Yes Carrey plays it straight and this may be his darkest turn yet but it’s not like he’s never done it before. Carrey is a consummate actor folks. He’s pretty good at doing whatever he sets his mind to. He played the straight guy in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind just fine allowing Kate Winslet to be kooky instead. And as Walter he resolutely indulges in murderous obsessive-compulsive behavior while including a few moments of his unique comic stylings. Meanwhile Madsen is playing her second loving and supportive wife of this week (she plays one in The Astronaut Farmer as well) but that’s fine. She does it effectively. But what she also gets to do in Number 23 is portray a saucy sex-craved alter ego from the novel who likes to have dangerous and kinky sex with Fingerling—and she plays it to the hilt. Give this woman more juicy parts! Director Joel Schumacher knows how to make a Hollywood movie--that’s why the studios love him. Sure he’s made more than his fair share of stinkers (Batman Forever AND Batman & Robin) but he has also made some finely tuned thrillers such as Phone Booth and A Time to Kill. Number 23 sort of falls somewhere in between. Schumacher takes some creative license when we are in Fingerling’s world which makes for some arresting and stylistic visuals but he and newbie screenwriter Fernley Phillips really stretch things to make the whole murder-mystery subplot work within the context of the premise opting for cheap thrills and a standardized ending. Honestly it nearly ruins the whole movie—until you drive home and notice the number 23 EVERYWHERE! Number 23 is still gonna stick with you.
In the vein of Field of Dreams Astronaut Farmer is about building the seemingly impossible. Thankfully in this case it’s simply a rocket in the barn not a ballpark in a cornfield where ghosts of baseball heroes past can play the game. That is a bit far-fetched. Instead we meet Charles Farmer (Thornton) a man who was once on track to be an astronaut but was forced to leave NASA to save his family farm. He still wants to go into space however and so sets out to build a rocket inside his barn. By the time the movie starts the rocket is pretty much put together so we aren’t burdened with how he gets his supplies. All Charles needs now is 10 000 pounds of fuel which shoots up a big red flag with the government--a government that now considers Charles a threat--while the media look at him as a big story. But no matter the odds nothing can deter Charles from his dream to break through the atmosphere and orbit the earth. It’s refreshing to see Thornton as a loving father who wants to inspire his kids rather than make them go get him another beer. Of course Charles Farmer isn’t all sweetness and light—he’s an obvious eccentric whose obsession to launch into space effects the entire family—and it’s definitely a role right up Thornton’s alley. Virginia Madsen does an admirable job as the loving and supportive wife who nonetheless puts her foot down when things get out of hand while Bruce Dern plays the grizzled but equally supportive father-in-law. There’s also a supportive lawyer played by Tim Blake Nelson. In fact besides the big evil NASA chief (J.K. Simmons) and two bungling FBI agents (Mark Polish and Jon Gries) everyone supports Charles in his crazy dream. How could he fail? From the writing-directing team of Michael and Mark Polish (Northfork) Astronaut Farmer is pure old-school—an unassuming throwback to those feel-good movies of the ‘40s and ‘50s. In fact Thornton told Hollywood.com he considers this his “Jimmy Stewart” movie. While the Polish brothers based Charles Farmer on their own eccentric father and obviously harbor their own boyhood dreams of being an astronaut the guys still follow a nice and simple formula finding some good actors to carry it out and adding cool visual effects when they can. Yes the more cynical moviegoer may look at Astronaut Farmer as completely improbable and trite. But those willing to be taken back to a simpler time--when movies were about walking out triumphant--should find watching Astronaut Farmer a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.
A fresh update on the Pocahontas legend. Captain John Smith (Colin Farrell) arrives in disgrace on the shores of the New World but he is pardoned and soon rises to lead the English settlers of what will eventually be Jamestown Virginia. Sent to trade with a local chief Powhatan he falls in love with his daughter Pocahontas (Q'Orianka Kilcher). He follows his duty rather than his heart and returns to Jamestown whose starving citizens would not have survived the harsh winter without Pocahontas’s help. Powhatan (Wes Studi) mounts an attack to force the settlers to leave but Pocahontas warns Smith leading to her banishment and her new life with the Europeans. Eventually Smith is called away to mount his own expeditions leaving Pocahontas behind with a heavy heart. She finds a new suitor a gentleman farmer who wants to marry her but she still pines for Smith. Her fame spreads far beyond the New World back to England where she is summoned to meet the king and queen. Farrell is finally delivering on his early promise momentarily setting aside noisy action films to work with a world-class director and reminding us just how subtle of an actor he can be. The amazing chemistry between Farrell and newcomer Kilcher puts nearly every other movie pairing this year to shame. Kilcher who had one screen credit to her name before this was only 14 during filming quite close to Pocahontas’ believed age of 12 or 13. Before you reach for that picket sign please note that while the romance is incredibly sensual as is the whole film nothing is shown other than longing looks and playful platonic embraces. As Pocahontas Kilcher radiates beauty and innocence and it’s easy to see why John Smith would be mesmerized by her. After Smith has left her scenes of grief are heartfelt and her later solemnity is remarkable for someone so young. I had no idea of her real age until I looked over the production notes. Christian Bale who only shows up in the last third of the film is wonderfully restrained and melancholy as the widower who woos her after her own loss. Terrence Malick has always been a very sensual director one who can capture nature so well that you feel you are in the film not just watching it. But his previous films such as The Thin Red Line often have a way of losing focus of missing the forest for the trees of throwing out the plot for yet another beautiful but pointless shot of the landscape. Here his narrative is strong enough that we aren’t impatient when the camera lingers on lush forests or a lovers’ embrace. He’s made the love triangle the backbone of the film and you don’t miss the larger picture here at all. The film is not only achingly beautiful but deeply felt. His sympathies are clearly with the “naturals ” as the Europeans call the Native Americans; it’s from their perspective that we first see the tall ships arrive. The Englishmen part from Smith for the most part are dirty cruel and petty and the less time the film spends with them the better. What Malick has made is most definitely still an art film with occasionally abstract or non-linear editing choices but one that is never just art for art’s sake.