We've suffered through the star-studded indignity of Valentine's Day and the multi-storyline ignominy of New Year's Eve and the alien attack of Independence Day (but that's a whole different ball of gooey alien gut wax.) Now we have the latest scourge in this Hollywood holiday spree: Memorial Day: The Movie. Like all wonderful movies (that I am making up for fun on a Friday afternoon) it stars Katherine Heigl and a slew of other well wishing celebrities who are looking to cash a big fat paycheck.
Heigl stars as Chelsea, a New York City magazine journalist who is only concerned about her career. At the last minute, before getting on the Jitney to head out to the Hamptons, her editor (Christine Baranski) tells her that she needs a story about a Fleet Week romance and that she is going to have to bring it home or else she is fired. Katherine cancels her plans and her four friends roll their eyes and head off without her. She heads down to Midtown where absolutely every sailor totally ignores her. Finally she runs into a dashing sergeant (Patrick Dempsey) who steals the last seat at a crowded bar, making a flustered Chelsea absolutely furious. She cusses him out and he says that he's going to help her find a romance to pay her back. She thanks him and they head out into the town. After going to several bars they can only find guys hooking up. They go to a Broadway show and approach a sailor (Jack Black) and his woman (Jennifer Coolidge) and find out she's sick of him being trapped on a submarine all the time and is going to ask for a divorce. Finally they get a tip from a loud cabbie (Gilbert Godfried) who tells them to go to Chez Josefine to look for a romance. The restaurant is empty, but the owner (Gerard Depardieu) has a table just for them. They clink champagne glasses and stare deeply into each other's eyes. Finally they head off to the USS Intrepid and scale the boat just as the fire works (that don't really happen in New York on Memorial Day, but whatever) are going off and they kiss. It turns out, the story of Fleet Week romance Katherine Heigl was looking for was hers!
Let's not forget about her four friends (Amy Adams, Keira Knightley, Isla Fisher, and Lea Michelle)! They're all excited about their first weekend in the Hamptons and the rich men they're going to meet at a fancy barbecue the next day. However on the Long Island Expressway, their bus breaks down and sets on fire, destroying all their luggage. But, good fortune! A minivan full of attractive men (Neil Patrick Harris, Matt Bomer, Jim Parsons, and Anderson Cooper) has four extra seats for four pretty ladies. They get their flirt on something hard before realizing that all the men in the car are gay. There is some making out between the men and the girls get to their house. They realize that it is locked and head out back to try to break into the house they're renting. They make a mess in the mud trying to get in, and then are caught by the cops (Joe Mangianello and Nicolas Coster-Waldau). They drag them into jail where they share a cell with four guys (Chase Crawford, Ed Westwick, Penn Badgley, and some other guy from Gossip Girl.) They share a chuckle and when they're all bailed out in the morning the boys drag them to their BBQ. Turns out they were the rich guys throwing the party in the first place, and they are all now hedge fund wives (still covered in mud).
Jerry (Zac Efron) is having a BBQ in Central Park and it is so hot he is forced to take off his shirt multiple times. There's something about a girl (Taylor Swift) who lost her dog and he leaves his friends at the party to go help her. The whole time he keeps ignoring phone calls from his sister. They fall in love. They find the dog. Zac puts his shirt on and finally answers his sister's call and it's Katherine Heigl! She's in love too!
In the park near Jerry's BBQ, a hot dog vendor (Ben Stiller) is going to be evicted from his house unless he raises $10,000 by Monday. How is he going to sell that many hot dogs? His son (the funny kid from Modern Family... no, the skinny one) gets his friends (Jaden Smith and the other funny kid from Modern Family) and tells them they have to raise all this money. They decide to hold a hot dog eating contest and charge people $5 to watch. They are so adorable that the local news covers it (Chelsea, you are totally missing this story) and they raise all the money and everyone is happy.
Julia Roberts is spending another weekend at her shore house. She Julia Roberts with Julia Roberts and calls her friends Julia and Roberts. They smile. They laugh. They love life. It's Julia Roberts. Who cares what she does. Tom Hanks shows up at the end and they kiss. The end.
Jessica Biel is a world champion croquet player who broke her arm the day before the huge croquet world series in Queens. Instead she's bumming around a hotel in Midtown and feeling sorry for herself. Ashton Kutcher plays the bellhop who is just about to get off duty who says he'll show her the best day of her life. He takes her to the Central Park Zoo, he takes her to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, he takes her to Shake Shack (mmmm, Shake Shack) and then he tries to kiss her and she's like, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." He is all bummed. Then, the next day her boyfriend (Casey Affleck, who could use some work) is all like, "I only liked you because you were as good at croquet as I was. Now I'm dumping you, you sticky wicket." She's sad, but Ashton cheers her up again. This time, with tongue.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
Valentine's Day Sequel Planned
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Back-to-Back Independence Day Sequels to Invade Earth
Vanessa Lengies agreed to enroll in McKinley High as a new student. The 26-year-old actress will play one of the new freshmen the producers promised us back in June, adding some fresh blood to the cast. Lengies' character, Sugar, is described as an ungodly combination of Molly Shannon and a New Jersey housewife, who happens to be a terrible singer. I suppose it strains credulity that every person at the high school is an amazing singer, but the Glee club seems to have enough auto tune at its disposal that it could make Gilbert Godfried sound good. They certainly use it enough on Finn.
Lengies currently appears on TNT hospital show Hawthorne, and previously appeared in the similarly musical drama American Dreams. Season 3 of Glee starts airing this September, on Fox.
For the love of all that is holy, I hope that the casting of an intentionally bad singer doesn't lead to more covers of Kee-dollar-sign-hah songs. The emotional strain of reliving that purple vomit incident would be too much to bear.
For more of the Glee kids, check out our gallery.
Source: TV Guide
Charlie Day is on the cusp of superstardom. Okay, okay, that's my inner fangirl taking over. I’ll kick that down just a few notches because he’s only got his name on a handful of projects at the moment, but his time is coming. While you may not have the pleasure of knowing him as the disturbingly funny nutcase, Charlie Kelly, on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it won’t be long before you won’t be able to avoid the actor. His new film, Horrible Bosses, hits theaters today and if it’s any indication, he’ll soon be stealing more than a few scenes.
Day’s been nabbing little roles here and there since 2000, but it wasn’t until he, along with costars Glenn Howerton and Rob McElhenney, created this strange, scrappy little show known as It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia for FX. While fans seem to gravitate towards all the wild characters -- especially late addition Danny DeVito -- Day has a pull unlike the others. (See: Kitten Mittens.) His unique brand of spastic frustration, innocent yet determined ignorance, and his signature high-pitched and exasperated rasp combine with what some folks like to call “crazy eyes” to create an impregnable force of hilarity that can turn almost any setup into comedy gold.
While I’ll fight tooth and nail with anyone who attempts to blaspheme the caliber of It’s Always Sunny, I can admit that it’s not for everyone. And Day is one of the most obvious reasons it’s not for everyone. Frankly, he’s a little out there and that hilarious rasp so many of us love is a point of contention for those on the other side of the fence. I think Gilbert Godfried is the most recent comparison, though I think it’s a bit harsh. Perhaps that’s why it took so long for a studio to pick Day up and give him a chance at the big time, but I reckon they’ll be glad they did. In Horrible Bosses, Day is the glue that holds the hapless trio together. Jason Bateman and Jason Sudeikis are fairly predictable, plodding along in their usual routines, but who better to shake up the humdrum straightman and the unrelenting horndog than the king spaz himself?
Day plays Dale, a dental hygienist relegated to taking whatever job he can nail down thanks to a drunken, innocent incident that landed him with a black mark on his record. The only problem is that his boss, Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S. (Jennifer Aniston), is a voracious, sex-obsessed psychopath who drives him to the edge, and for that I thank Miss Aniston because it pushes Day’s character to the brink and thus to a whole lot of insanity. And if the role seems like it was made for him, that's because it sort of was. Screenwriter Michael Markowitz worked on Bosses script and as he puts it, “You inevitably start hearing a voice in your head when you’re rewriting and tweaking things. You get that Charlie Day voice in your head.” And how could you not? It’s probably one of the most distinct voices in the business.
Of course he doesn’t just rely on a voice to garner all his laughs. He not only serves as a writer on It’s Always Sunny, but he lends a few of his –er – special talents to a rather sensitive scene in Bosses. Rather than spoil it for you, I’ll just note that Day is charged with making some rather torrid remarks to a costar, a chunk of which was largely improvised. The scene is hilarious, but in Day’s mind, it’s no big deal. “I’ve got a filthy mouth. I can talk dirty for anyone who wants to hear,” he said when I asked about it at the Horrible Bosses press conference.
Day may not give himself enough credit, but it seems that the rest of Hollywood is finally starting to get it. Next, he's taking that signature rasp to Guillermo Del Toro’s highly anticipated alien invasion movie, Pacific Rim, alongside FX’s other Charlie, Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam, which is not to say he won’t lend the film a little comic relief, but it’s certainly a step in a different direction. Day may not be lining things up the way his costar in Bosses and Going the Distance Jason Sudeikis, is but something tells me it won’t be long before his opportunities start multiplying. And for all of our sakes, I sincerely hope I’m right.
When you think of classic animated films, you can’t possibly forget the features Disney has brought into our lives. Most of us grew up with at least a handful of cartoon epics – depending on the generation – and now with Tangled, Disney is bringing the long line of princess-themed animated features to a close. As they move on into their next phase of Disney magic with Rapunzel and her tower-escape accomplice, Flynn Ryder, it seems like an appropriate time to take a look back at Disney’s best trusty companions starting from the release of their first animated feature 73 years ago.
These friendly faces have been with us since Disney’s original glory days,providing the foundation for the sidekicks that followed them in the long line of animated classics. Despite the fact that they aren’t necessarily original characters, the Disney spin on them has made each beloved character synonymous with the Mouse House.
The Seven Dwarfs
Okay, I’m already cheating by picking more than one sidekick at a time, but you can’t really separate one dwarf from the others. In addition to providing comic relief and a few tender moments, Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, and Doc were really the best friends a girl whose stepmom tried to have her killed and subsequently drove her into the woods could have. Not only do they take her in (once she wins them over by being the best, most helpful singing houseguest ever) but when Snow White falls into her poison apple nap, they overtake the evil queen and send her to her death. If that wasn’t enough, their adorable little beards and dig, dig, digging Hi-ho’s should seal the deal.
This tiny guy has become one of the Disney mascots, appearing in countless other cartoon ventures and singing the unofficial Disney theme “When You Wish Upon a Star,” but we fell in love with the little chirper back in 1940 when his heart, courage and bravery helped little Pinocchio find his way back to Geppetto and real boyhood. The puppet’s “official conscience” (he’s got a badge and everything) wasn’t actually supposed to see the end of the film according to the original story, but Walt Disney altered the tale and Jiminy's been a symbol of Disney magic ever since.
You really can’t say Disney without thinking of this spritely, stubborn little lady. Her pixie dust is sprinkled over almost every Mousey venture and if Mickey wasn’t Walt’s right-hand man, she could have a chance at giving the cheery mouse a run for his money as the most beloved Disney character. Of course, she earned her post by playing the trusty, yet feisty, sidekick to Peter Pan eventually putting her life on the line to save Peter from Captain Hook’s gift-wrapped bomb. Like Jiminy, Tink’s status as a Disney mascot has landed her roles in handfuls of other cartoons and films.
The Ultimate BFFs
These folks may not have special powers or super strength; they can be timid and they don’t always get it right, but their fierce friendship helps keep our heroes on track and in good company.
Winnie the Pooh is a lovable dope and his best friend is always there to help him along. He may be tiny, he may be squeamish, but his heart is ten times his stature. His sweet disposition and great capacity for friendship make him very special to the honey-loving bear. Piglet often overcomes his immense fear of dark, dangerous situations when it’s up to him to save the day.
Much like Piglet, Flounder is fearful but loves wholeheartedly and comes through when it really matters. As Ariel’s lifelong best friend in The Little Mermaid, the little blue and yellow fish supports her unconventional (and unpopular) affinity for human culture and is the one who eventually gives her the statue of Prince Eric that King Triton blasts to smithereens.
Aladdin’s little monkey doesn’t always do the right thing, but his heart always finds its way eventually. He probably causes just as much trouble for his partner in crime as he solves for him -- need I bring up the giant ruby incident in the Cave of Wonders? -- but he manages to overcome his often selfish and childish ways when it comes down to it.
The Class Clowns
These guys share some similarities with the Ultimate BFFs, but they keep us in stitches along the way and usually get their voices from big name actors. Every Disney character has a little humor for good measure, but these sidekicks raise the bar on animated funny.
Robin Williams’ blue genie changed the landscape of animated sidekicks forever. The actor did the unthinkable while recording dialogue for Genie – he improvised and adlibbed many of his lines, creating quite a bit of work for animators. Genie morphs into 52 different characters at-will throughout the film and proliferates laughs even in the darkest of times.
Timon and Pumbaa
I’m breaking the rules again, but you can’t have Tweedle Dee without Tweedle Dum and you can’t have Timon without Pumbaa. After they save young Simba from the desert, the duo help him adapt to jungle life and teach him the ways of their problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata (it means no worries, for the rest of your days), all the while allowing the Broadway-style antics of actors Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella to keep audiences giggling.
In addition to the fact that the little one-eyed, round, horned, skinny-legged monster from Monsters Inc. is funny-looking, his voice is provided by the classically hilarious Billy Crystal. As a scare assistant to the very large and very fuzzy professional scarer, Sully, Mike is wound a little tight. He attempts to keep Sully’s wistful decisions from causing bigger problems, but manages to make being uptight hilarious.
Villains need assistance too, even the evil queen in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs has her magic mirror. The best of the bad guy sidekicks are often hilarious and sometimes equally as hapless, but they always manage to muck it up for the good guys.
Captain Hook’s only friend and first mate may not always be the most helpful pal; he may be an idiot from time to time; and his loyalty may be driven by fear, but he’s really all Hook’s got. The other pirates begrudgingly follow their cantankerous leader, but Smee bumbles and stumbles throughout Neverland never failing to serve his baddie bestie. It’s a kind of loyalty you could almost admire if it wasn’t pointing in the wrong direction.
Flotsam and Jetsam
These twin moray eels assist Ursula and planning the destruction of the beautiful mermaid princess, Ariel. They creepily finish each others’ sentences and spend most of their time with their tails tightly entwined, but the thing that makes these villains great evil sidekicks is the crystal ball and portal that they create when their yellow eyes combine. Without them, Ursula would have had a hard time keeping tabs on poor Ariel.
This foul, feathered friend does Jafar’s evil bidding in Aladdin and manages to create an appropriate setting for Gilbert Godfried’s grating voice (although we can enjoy momentary relief each time we watch the Sultan stuff a handful of crackers into the macaw’s mouth). He’s got a good heart somewhere in that little body and he’s usually good for a laugh, but he tends to cling to the dark side, giving Jafar the idea to marry Jasmine for control of the kingdom and using his mimicking skills to trick Aladdin and his friends.
Sidekicks are always there to help, but some could earn awards or medals for their guidance and assistance in our heroes’ and heroines’ romantic fates.
Though he may not actually have hands, Lumiere manages to act as a helping hand, allowing The Beast and Belle to eventually find common ground. He acts a sort of double agent because while he’s undoubtedly The Beast’s closest friend, he’s also the one that defies The Beast's rules and coaxes Belle out of hiding when she's locked in her room. He may be a bit of a ladies’ man, but he manages to help bring the troubled yet fated pair together.
Horatio Thelonious Ignacious Crustaceous Sebastian is a Disney original. Though he wasn’t part of Hans Christian Anderson’s original story, the film wouldn’t be complete without the Jamaican crustacean. He starts out as Triton’s right-hand man and vows to watch after Ariel, but when he sees how she longs for dry land his heart overcomes his brain and he follows her to keep her from harm. He provides the perfect romantic setting once on land, cooing “Kiss The Girl” to help coax the handsome prince into kissing the newly be-legged Ariel.
He may be the newest member on the sidekick roster, but Ray definitely deserves a spot on the list. The firey, Cajun firefly is a hopeless romantic who despite his toothless grin oozes Bayou charm and selflessly devotes himself to helping Prince Naveen and Tiana find their way to the voodoo priestess so they can undo their froggy forms in The Princess and The Frog. The sweet little bug’s undying love for the Evening Star whom he refers to as Evangeline is what eventually helps Prince Naveen uncover his deep love for Tiana.
Just say it.
According to a poll conducted by the Center for Voice Disorders at Wake Forest University, some people's voices are better than others.
Between March and August 2001, nearly 3,000 people voted for America's best and worst voices, and the results are manifested in two top 10 lists: one for best and the other for worst.
Among the best is pretty woman Julia Roberts, who proves it's possible that looks and voice go hand in hand; she ranked No. 3. One of the worst included boxer Mike Tyson whose No. 10 spot reveals a powerful punch doesn't mean a knockout voice.
The study, released by James Koufman, M.D., director of the center, set out to understand how the human voice affects us and to understand the impact of voice disorders.
Although Koufman claims only about 3 percent of Americans have a voice disorder, he says it's often more disabling than hearing loss.
The best list:
1. James Earl Jones
2. Sean Connery
3. Julia Roberts
4. Katie Couric
5. Barbra Streisand
6. Sam Donaldson
7. Mel Gibson
8. Diane Sawyer
9. Meg Ryan
10. Anthony Hopkins
The worst list:
1. Fran Drescher
2. Roseanne Barr
3. Gilbert Godfried
4. Bobcat Goldthwait
5. Joan Rivers
6. Howard Stern
7. Rosie O'Donnell
8. Howard Cosell
9. Dick Vitale
10. Mike Tyson