These days, the idea of a celebrity becoming the leader of the free world is something laughable. Can you imagine, a movie star (let alone a reality star) in the White House? Pshaw! But, it seems everybody wants to put their hat into the political ring these days, so perhaps one day soon we'll have another actor in the Oval Office to join Ronald Reagan's lonely little club of celebrities-turned-Presidents.
As we close in on what feels like the most intense presidential election season to date, we thought to ourselves, "Hey, let's take a little break from all the vitrol, all the hatred and divisiveness and focus on something silly we can all agree on: Wouldn't it be funny of one of these people were our president?"
Because in the end, once the dust settles on this campaign season, we'll have to go back to agreeing on at least some things, so we can get back to all getting along (sort of) again. Why not start off with a little bit of light-hearted irreverence loosely based on the happenings of the past year (and then some!) of political strong-arming, right? Enter: the celebrities that would be president.
Yes, you heard that right: the following stars have actually expressed interest in running the most powerful nation in the world. What would their campaign slogan be? Who's their Paul Ryan, Joe Biden, or (gulp) Sarah Palin? What would they want to change about our fair nation? We decided to take a deeper look at their would-be campaigns, and lay it all out for you, the American people.
Oh yeah, and everybody? Vote!
Vice President: Sean Penn. Of all of Madonna's former flames and friends, Penn is undoubtedly the most political. With his dedication to the seemingly continual crises in Haiti, we imagine these two would put their differences aside for the greater good of America.
Campaign Slogan: Justify Your Vote. Love, votes — so often one and the same when you're a passionate politico. Madonna's slogan would be a hint of her pop star ways, but also speak to the bigger question of justifying a vote for the singing presidential candidate.
Presidential Platform: Madonna would be a wildly liberal and controversial candidate. She would campaign heavily on the promise of a constitutional amendment to make marriage legal for same-sex couples. Undoubtedly, her campaign ads would involve a freedom of religion, expression, artistic endeavors, and voguing.
President Nick Jonas
Vice President: Demi Lovato. You know, to pull in those lady votes.
Campaign Slogan: Make It Right. A slogan based on the title of one of his songs? Naturally, this is how the littlest, non-bonus Jonas would amp up the excitement of his campaign. By the time Jonas is old enough to run for president, his fans may have long-forgotten his boy band superstardom days. Always good to use a gentle reminder of your past glory days to gain some momentum!
Presidential Platform: Jonas would definitely be big on medical advancements and treatment, given his outspoken support for diabetes research. It therefore seems natural that Jonas would campaign on health care reform and investing money into scientific education and research. Additionally, Jonas would probably be really interested in reinvigorating the religiously-minded folks across the country (no, no one's forgotten about those purity rings, Nick). Whether it be religious freedom, or just used as a bit of a moral compass is yet to be seen.
President Pauly Shore
Vice President: While we'd typically choose Stephen Baldwin to complete this ticket (hello, Bio-Dome reunion!), we know that their politics (Baldwin is conservative, Shore is liberal) are quite different. Our second choice, Rob Schneider, has the same problem (they endorsed different candidates this season). So instead, we choose his Encino Man co-star, Brendan Fraser.
Campaign Slogan: Thinking About You. Shore has become notably more political in recent years, and in his special Pauly-tics, he discusses a desire to think about everyone else and make the US economy strong again. So instead of making the election road all about him, he'd instead make it all about you. Not a bad political move when you're a comedian most well-known for being The Weasel.
Presidential Platform: Legalization of marijuana, possibly other drugs. He would create a new cabinet position: The Secretary of Hilarity, to make sure that the US keeps its sense of humor (even if it's a really, really lowbrow one) above all else in trying times.
President Arnold Schwarzenegger
Vice President: Sylvester Stallone. If Arnold ever went from Governator to Presidenator, he would certainly need his Expendables co-star to beat up all the threats to American freedom.
Campaign Slogan: Don't Be A Girly-Man. It's always about being manly with this guy. Second string options include something about pumping and humping: the two greatest activities a man can do, according to Schwarzenegger. (I wonder how he'd do with the female vote.)
Presidential Platform: Schwarzenegger would certainly campaign on his run as California Governor, even if he wasn't all that popular. He would certainly campaign on a promise for more jobs and a better economy (Schwarzenegger has frequently been quoted as saying that "the public doesn't care about figures" when it comes to the economy, but does care about jobs). He'd be a very typical Republican candidate—minus all the push-ups and the budget for accidental suit shredding from his intense workout regime.
President Donald Trump
Vice President: Donald Trump. Because The Donald is a business man. He doesn't need a second in command. All America needs is him and his billions. And the fact that he believes he is the world's most famous human. Megalomania is always a good quality to have in a politician!
Campaign Slogan: Money Makes the World Work. And if you don't believe it, you're fired from America.
Presidential Platform: Since The Donald has actually already run for President in the past, and has been both a registered Democrat (in 2001) and now a Republican, he will no doubt run on a platform of bipartisanship. Sure, he hates our current president with every fiber of his being, but that's personal, not political. In 2007, Trump has been quoted as saying, "I'm very much independent in that way. I go for the person, not necessarily the party. I mean, I vote for Republicans and I vote for Democrats." The biggest issues for The Donald? Loopholes for the rich, Trickle-down economics, turn The Apprentice into a legal viewing requirement for all Americans, and a constitutional amendment to recognize corporations as human beings.
President Roseanne Barr
Vice President: Cindy Sheehan. Since the noted activist is already Barr's running mate in the 2012 election, might as well keep her on board.
Campaign Slogan: Seriously. Because even though she's a comedian, Barr takes her politics very seriously. She always has—haven't you seen an episode of Roseanne?
Presidential Platform: Being a member of the Peace and Freedom Party, Barr's political leanings are very liberal. She wants to end the war on drugs and, well, all wars. No more fighting! So no doubt the legalization of marijuana (and all drugs) will factor into her economic policies (look at all the tax options!). She might also make it a constitutional amendment to ban former husband Tom Arnold from the United States.
President Alec Baldwin
Vice President: This one is a toughie. Since Baldwin is incredibly serious about politics, we imagine he'd pick a real hard-line liberal to end up on his ticket. His dream would probably be someone as accomplished as Hilary Clinton, but we all know she's probably a shoo-in for frontrunner in the 2016 race. Instead I'd bet on Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank. Having an openly-gay VP candidate would cause just the right amount of hysteria on the right for Baldwin's liking, no doubt.
Campaign Slogan: We're Better Together. Given that Baldwin is an actor, he's probably also a bit of a people-pleaser. Hence the desire for everyone to come together under his line of thought.
Presidential Platform: Baldwin is all about the economy and the environment. He's traveled around discussing an anti-fracking documentary, so clean energy (real clean energy, not coal) would certainly be a platform point. As would the current deficit and tax reform. Baldwin wants to actually pay more taxes as a wealthy America. Which is certainly admirable.
President Will Smith
Vice President: Jeffrey Allen Townes, aka DJ Jazzy Jeff, obviously. Please.
Campaign Slogan: Let's Do This...Big Willie Style. Because let me tell you, Smith is nothing if not confident.
Presidential Platform: In an interview with UK's The Mail, Smith has already stated what he believes are the country's most important issues: "The basis of human sanity is physical survival, right? So I'd start with universal healthcare and shelter." Look out for his children to also get cabinet positions, or at least their own movies, tv shows, and concert specials about being the Freshest First Family in the White House.
Vice President: Oprah Winfrey. Because with their powers combined, they'd probably sweep the election.
Campaign Slogan: I Got 99 Problems But Electability Ain't One. No additional commentary necessary.
Presidential Platform: HOV lanes... for everyone! Terrible jokes aside, Jay-Z will probably campaign on the promise of solving the biggest problems facing America: the lack of accountability amongst the big pimpin' types in the US. There would no doubt be some sort of reform surrounding that. Picturing Beyoncé as FLOTUS might just make this election dream a reality for him. Blue Ivy would become the most popular name in the US, and Kanye West would be the Secretary of Swag.
Would you vote for any of these potential presidents? Think they're all a wash? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo Credit: WENN.com]
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In the opening scenes of the new "comedy" Jack and Jill commercial director Jack Sadelstein (Adam Sandler) and his business partners take a break from the set of their Regis Philbin-starring Pepto Bismol commercial to discuss the prospect of landing Al Pacino for a new Dunkin' Donuts spot. Even with the pressure mounting the idea of landing the A-Lister is the least of Jack's worries—his real stress stemming from his heinous twin sister Jill (also played by Sandler) who is scheduled to visit for Thanksgiving. We don't know much about Jill at that point but even the prospect of spending a few days with his sibling prompts the cankerous Jack to chug an entire bottle of the commercial's pink antidiarrheal product.
Turns out the medical cocktail was quite appropriate. By the end of Jack and Jill kicking back an entire bottle of Pepto Bismol may be the first logical step to curing the gut-wrenching feeling induced by the movie's painfully lazy antics. To call the latest from Sandler's Happy Madison Productions (Paul Blart: Mall Cop Grown Ups Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star) a bad movie isn't strong enough. Nor is describing it as a complete void of comedy. And the movie doesn't even come close to a so-stupid-its-funny scenario. No Jack and Jill is honest to goodness mental destruction—a collision of half-baked comedy sketches violent potty humor shrouded racism shotgun celebrity cameos and unapologetic product placement. There is more coherency care and consideration poured in to a child's spin art painting than any moment Sandler or director Dennis Dugan whip up for this film.
From the movie's very first moments to its obvious ham-fisted conclusion the mere presence of Jill sends Jack into a temper meltdown—and it's not hard to see why. Sandler's lady from the Bronx is a loud abhorrent self-loathing woman an obtuse fish-out-of-water who sees no issue with stereotyping Jack's adopted Indian son or using phrases like "make chocolate squirties" after a night of chimichangas (may I recommend Pepto Bismol?). The script would like us to feel sympathetic for Jill as she's turned down by every man she meets adding to her existing physical appearance woes ("I'm too fat!" she declares before hopping up on a horse and crushing it under her own weight). Unfortunately it's obvious that no one behind-the-camera actually gives a damn about her or any of the other characters to help realize that struggle honestly or humorously.
Knowing the movie can't entirely rely on Jill's flatulence to baffle its audience Jack and Jill employs a number of shameless drive-by appearances from across the Hollywood spectrum to replace actual entertainment. Johnny Depp Jared the Subway Guy Shaq Bruce Jenner the Sham-Wow Guy and Drew Carey (who Jill meets while embarrassing herself on The Price Is Right) all stop by for a cheap laugh. Maybe that's a good thing—the cameos are nonsensical enough to distract from Jack and Jill's plot one that trudges along at a glacial pace as Jill finds ways to stay at Jack's house and ruin her brother's life.
Sandler recruited Katie Holmes and Al Pacino to fill the film's two non-twin roles and to the benefit of their careers he gives them little to do. Holmes isn't given a single scene in which she does anything more than rag on Jack for hating his sister or detach objects her son perpetually tapes to his body (a pepper shaker a hamster a bird a lobster). Pacino has a meatier role one that you may even expect to garner a few laughs spoofing his thunderous thespian self who melts at the sight of Jill. But the material director Dennis Dugan bestows on the legendary actor is scraped from the bottom of the barrel. Not even Pacino can make passing off gibberish as a foreign language funny. The saving grace for the movie is watching Pacino go method and pursue Jill as Don Quixote from The Man of La Mancha. At that point the reference is a reminder that out there somewhere beyond the movie theater/black hole playing Jack and Jill is a world full of culture and class.
Jack and Jill isn't really a movie but more of an extended Royal Caribbean Cruises commercial with a Dunkin Donuts dance number set to an extended fart exploding from a dragged-out Adam Sandler's buttocks. The bar for entertainment value has never been set lower than this film an experience so toxic to the mind that along with its PG-rating should carry a warning label from Surgeon General.
Better make it two Pepto-Bismols.
Richard Riddick (Vin Diesel) has a really bad rep and with good reason: Five years ago convicted killer Riddick escaped the galaxy's law enforcement during a botched interplanetary prison transfer and has been on the lam ever since. As The Chronicles of Riddick picks up our antagonist finds his relative freedom has been compromised when mercenaries out for the $1 million bounty on his head discover his location and hunt him down. Riddick escapes their clutches steals their ship and sets off for Planet Helion to find Imam (Keith David) the Muslim cleric he rescued in Pitch Black and the only person who could have squealed his location to authorities. But while Riddick's hunch about Imam are correct the cleric has a reason for luring the mammoth murderer out of hiding: Helion is falling to unholy armies of Necromongers--warriors who conquer by force in the vein of Star Trek's Borg. Of course Riddick doesn't give a damn about the Helions or their plight--until he gets wind that the Necromogers want to kill him because of an old prophecy that foresees their end at Riddick's hands. Like it or not Riddick is left with no other choice but to battle the Necromongers.
The character of Riddick is unquestionably what made Pitch Black one of the most sequel-worthy sci-fi films in years. And Riddick would not have been one of sci-fi's most intoxicating characters if it weren't for Diesel. Like his Dominic Toretto in the 2001 actioner The Fast and the Furious Riddick is a villain of few words but when he speaks his carefully chosen words have impact--even if the dialogue is at times overly theatrical. Riddick is the perfect antihero; a cold-blooded and indifferent being who somehow evokes more compassion than the film's so-called good guys. Joining Riddick are some recurring characters including David as Imam but Riddick benefits the most from the addition of some new characters particularly Colm Feore as Lord Marshal the Necromonger leader whose goal is to rid the universe of all human life. Feore channeling nuggets of Julius Caesar into his role makes for one of Riddick's most thrilling foes. Another prominent addition to the cast is Judi Dench who has a surprisingly small role as Aereon an Elemental captured by the Necromongers and used for her special powers including ESP.
Writer/director David Twohy took his horror pic Pitch Black which gained a cult following since it was released four years ago and managed to successfully turn it into an sci-fi actioner of epic proportions. Everything is grander here which is almost a given considering Twohy shot Pitch Black on a dime in Australia using colored filters. In Riddick the director distinguishes the film's different environments--the Necros' mothership Crematoria's cavernous prison and Helion--using warm to cool tones that are dazzling yet more subtle than its predecessor. The CGI effects get a little gamey at times but production designer Holger Gross' gargantuan sets are impressive and help craft Twohy's otherworldly vision into a plausible one. And although Twohy jumps genres from Pitch Black to its sequel his storyline evolves logically from the original premise. But while moviegoers unfamiliar with Pitch Black will be able to follow the story easily enough they may have a difficult time grasping what makes Riddick such a big deal; the film explains the legend but never fully captures its quintessence. This could hurt Riddick's chances to broaden its Pitch Black fan base.
P.J. Hogan's Peter Pan follows J.M. Barrie's story almost to the letter. A girl on the brink of womanhood Wendy Darling (newcomer Rachel Hurd-Wood) loves telling her brothers John (Harry Newell) and Michael (Freddie Popplewell) stories of dastardly pirates as they sit in their nursery under the watchful eye of their St. Bernard Nana. Her 19th-century Londoner parents however believe the time has come for the young girl to grow up especially her father. Then a cheeky wild-haired boy named Peter Pan (Jeremy Sumpter) flies through the nursery window one night with his trusted yet jealousy-prone fairy Tinkerbell (Ludivine Sagnier) telling Wendy he can take her to a place full of adventure where no one ever has to grow up. She readily accepts the offer and with a few happy thoughts some fairy dust and her two brothers in tow she flies off to Neverland. (Not the ranch…the real place.) Once there Wendy encounters mermaids Indians and the Lost Boys (who refer to her as "mother") and gets the whole pirate experience in Peter's ongoing feud with arch-nemesis Captain Hook (Jason Isaacs). But Wendy soon becomes conflicted because on the one hand she likes hangin' with hottie Peter but on the other she misses her mother. She decides it's probably best to go back and grow up but in her hurry to leave she ends up in Hook's clutches. A rescue ensues. Swords clash ticking crocodiles are fed and fairies are saved as our clever fly boy zooms Wendy and company back to London on a giant pirate ship. But does he stay and grow up himself? Hell no he's a Toys 'R Us kid forever!
All the kid actors in Peter Pan are highly watchable and appealing with angelic faces peaches-and-cream complexions and pouty cherry lips. This is the first time Peter is being played by a real-life boy a fact much hyped by the filmmakers and 12-year-old Sumpter (Frailty) does his best to live up to the expectations. (He's soon to be swoon-worthy material for sure.) He's got a mischievous gleam in his eye and a great sly smile but he really lights up when he's looking into Wendy's adorable face. Hurd-Wood the first-time actress who plays the spirited girl earned her role after a long and involved casting process it's well deserved; she fits the typical English-girl profile perfectly and gets the hang of her craft quickly infusing the character with a natural cheerful energy. It's also refreshing to see the young actors play up Wendy and Peter's feelings of first love which prior films always hinted at but never fully realized. Isaacs in a dual role as the firm-but-loving Mr. Darling and the frightening comical lonely charming needy reprehensible Captain Hook draws on his experience at playing exquisitely awful baddies (The Patriot Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) and really sinks his claws into Hook. In a stand out supporting role French actress Sagnier (Swimming Pool) is really fantastic as the vivacious non-speaking Tinkerbell portraying the fairy's conflicted emotions with a silent-film over-the-top technique.
Director/writer P.J. Hogan (My Best Friend's Wedding) and his team try to distinguish their film from the other Peter Pans of the world by using all the technical and special effects wizardry at their disposal. Hogan says his Peter Pan is the way its author Barrie intended to be when he wrote it as a play over a 100 years ago--full of fantasy and wonder. In a way he's right and production designer Roger Ford and visual effects supervisor Scott Farrar take his vision and run with it giving audiences a very lush Neverland with waterfalls fluffy pink clouds crystal-blue waters and a gorgeous fairy world. But despite the bells and whistles there really isn't anything original and different in this Pan. Even its look at the dark side of Neverland has been done in Steven Spielberg's 1991 semi-sequel Hook which showed the dangers of Neverland. In this version lives really are at stake and the pirates are not cute and fun. Even the mermaids are mysterious and malevolent with scary faces and murderous intentions a far cry from the beautiful if somewhat mean-spirited creatures of the 1953 classic Disney animated adaptation another inescapable influence on the audience. When the crocodile draws near for example tick-tocking away the croc's signature tune from the Disney film comes immediately to mind. People may love those Disney films for those cutesy catchy songs but Peter Pan really is a good story. Heck it's a great story. But it's just been done.