This week, I Am Number Four hits theaters and there’s only one thing that I can grasp on to about this movie: damn, that alien dude is hot. But hey, it’s not a bad hook. How many movies feature hot alien girls? So many movies do. So why not some hot alien dudes? I see no downfalls to this idea. There are fewer alien dudes that inspire something a little less like disgust and horror and more like the warm and fuzzies, but they’re out there. After a thorough excavation of alien men on film, here are my findings and a thorough report of their notable assets.
Johnny Depp as Spencer Armacost
The Astronaut’s Wife
This 1999 movie drew me to the theater for one reason and one reason only: Johnny Depp. He plays NASA Astronaut Spencer Armacost and pulls off the blonde look way better than his attempt in Secret Window. Anyway, Spencer goes on a mission to space, gets possessed by aliens and eventually transmits his alien form to his poor wife. Creepy right? But I mean, come on, it’s Johnny Depp. He’s even attractive when he dresses up as Willy Wonka. Alien babe, number one.
Zachary Quinto as Spock
I never thought I would say this, but in 2009, I walked out of the movie theater after having watched Chris Pine on screen for two hours and my first thought was, “Holy crap, Spock was hot.” True story. Zachary Quinto wasn’t anyone’s radar who wasn’t a Heroes fan, for the most part, but once he donned those pointy ears and that blue Starfleet jumper and started romancing Uhura, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who started to take notice.
Brandon Routh as Superman
Maybe you forgot because he’s America’s favorite superhero, but Superman isn’t even American; he’s an ALIEN. Yup, and a good looking one at that. If this were two years from now, I’d probably have to bump Routh for the soon-to-be replacement, Henry Cavill, but this isn’t about future alien babes. Routh is almost cartoonishly handsome and looks pretty amazing in that suit; just keep the kryptonite away from him, okay?
Sam Worthington as Jake’s Avatar
Okay, okay nerd patrol. I get that in the movie Jake is a human and the blue, muscular dude is his avatar, but clearly we’re being as superficial as possible here and if we want to get technical, he was still attractive at the end when he chose to go full Na’vi. This about looks and in the movie Jake’s avatar is strangely and undeniably attractive. (This is okay because he’s a humanoid creature. It’s not weird. I swear.)
Matt Dallas as Kyle
Who needs a belly button? Certainly not Kyle XY. I’ll admit, a show about an alien teen who arrives on earth with less knowledge in his head than a newborn baby is a little ridiculous, but that’s not why anyone was watching. They were watching because even without a belly button, Matt Dallas is a babe. End of story.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tommy
3rd Rock from the Sun
Before you get creeped out, I should point out that we’re talking about the last few seasons of the show, when Joseph Gordon-Levitt was 19 and 20 years old, not the first few seasons when he was still 15 and chubby-cheeked. (To be fair, I was in middle school when the show was on, so I was allowed to think he was dreamy at the time.) Anyway, older Tommy (post 2000) was a certifiable cutie. There was no way we could have known he would end up looking like this by the time he reached his upper 20s, but he was definitely crushable.
David Bowie as Thomas Jerome Newton
The Man Who Fell To Earth
Now, if you’ve never thought that David Bowie was attractive then feel free to skip on by this entry. In his feature film debut, Bowie played this alien who was sent to Earth in order to figure out a way to send water back to his home planet. Of course, he falls in love with a human while living on Earth, but he soon discovers the effects of greed and success. Yes, the film explores the darker side of life, but just look at that bone structure.
Jeff Goldblum as Mac
Earth Girls Are Easy
He may have looked like a taboo love child conceived after a weird experience for some dude and a parrot (or something) when he first falls from space into Geena Davis’ pool, but once they take him to the beauty parlor he looks just like a human under all that stuff! And he’s got all those lean muscles! And even though he’s Jeff Goldblum the fact that he’s an alien bumps him up into the hot echelon. Who knew?
Brenden Fehr as Michael Guerin
This is really along the same vein as I Am Number Four, except this was a WB show. Roswell gave us three teenagers who were humanoid aliens sent to Earth to help one day save their dying race, but oh how those pesky teenager problems complicate things. The great thing for Michael and his fellow alien Max is that one of their alien powers allows them to hear people just by touching them which means MAJOR TEENAGE LUSTY GROPING in almost every episode. Some people may have chosen Max over Michael, but I’d tell them that he has HUGE ears. Blondie wins.
Matt Smith as the Doctor
He’s a super smart, time-travelling alien Time Lord, he makes bowties look sexy, and get this: he’s British. Ding, ding, ding: we have a babe. I’ve also taken a moment to verify that he’s the most attractive actor to portray the Doctor yet (here’s hoping this becomes a habit). You should know that Doctor Who has enjoyed 11 versions since 1963, seeing a face new each time due to the fact that the Doctor can regenerate his body when he nears death. I know changing is part of his deal, but I think it’d be cool if they let the Doctor stay in Matt Smith form for a good long while. Can I be his companion? GERONIMO!
Based on the award-winning children's novel by Louis Sachar Holes is essentially the story of young Stanley Yelnats (Shia LaBeouf) a goodhearted kid who unfortunately lives in a family where the men are plagued by an ancient curse thanks to the stupidity of Stanley's "no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing great-great grandfather " as we learn in a subplot that unfolds in flashback. Given the curse it's not surprising that Stanley is falsely accused of stealing a pair of shoes and sent to Camp Green Lake a grossly misnamed boys detention camp. Home to a thriving town in the late 1800s the lake has now dried up into a desert wasteland filled with venomous creatures and its history--and secret--is detailed as part of another subplot also told in flashback. Stanley soon discovers the campers' rehabilitation consists of digging holes which according to the menacing Warden (Sigourney Weaver) her right-hand men Mr. Sir (Jon Voight) and Dr. Pendanski (Tim Blake Nelson) will help Stanley and his fellow D-tent inmates--including tent leader X-Ray (Brenden Jefferson) stinky Armpit (Bryan Cotton) crazy ZigZag (Max Kasch) thief Magnet (Miguel Castro) thug Squid (Jake M. Smith) and little Zero (Khleo Thomas)--build character. The boys are under orders however to immediately report to their keepers if they find something "special." Naturally Stanley does and he starts a chain reaction that culminates in a daring escape--and a chance to break the Yelnats family curse.
From the kids to the adults there's isn't a bad egg among the cast. Of course you expect great things from veteran actors such as Weaver Nelson (The Good Girl) and Voight--even if latter has been known to take a misstep here and there. (Anyone remember Anaconda? [Shudder].) Playing the three villains in Holes the actors expertly combine their skills to find a delicate balance between understated malevolence (the Warden) mean-spiritedness (Pendanski) and just plain over-the-top badness (Mr. Sir). Yet it's the younger acting ensemble you have to truly admire especially the shaggy-haired LaBeouf (Disney Channel's Even Stevens) and the sweet-faced newcomer Thomas. As Stanley and Zero the two young actors have a very natural rapport together which makes their characters' immediate bond believable. The rest of the D-tent boys inhabit their individual and quirky personalities with ease with Cotton's debut performance as Armpit a standout. There are also some nice cameos especially by Henry Winkler as Stanley's inventor father who's trying to find a way to make shoes odorless and by Eartha Kitt as Madame Zeroni the gypsy who puts the curse on the Yelnats family.
It's not always possible to get the writer of a beloved novel to adapt his own work into a screenplay but it's highly recommended if you want the film to capture the book's true essence--and keep its fans happy. Holes director Andrew Davis recognized this and convinced Sachar to adapt his extremely popular novel and for the most part it works out pretty darn well. The main difficulty Sachar and Davis face is trying to incorporate Holes' many subplots within the main story; Sachar doesn't seem to want to let anything go so the film drags a little in places. But the Golden Globe-nominated Davis known for maneuvering through intricate action stories such as The Fugitive does a nice job keeping things flowing intercutting between the history of how treasure came to be buried at Camp Green Lake and the present and giving audiences a thrill.