It's that time of year again, a time when celebrities from the worlds of sport, music, and '90s TV shows come together to create the sparkliest night on television. We are, of course, talking about Dancing with the Stars, which revealed the lineup for its 18th season on Tuesday morning, and the celebrities who will be joining the illustrious ranks of two former members of NSYNC, a handful of reality stars, and more retired football players than the ESPN commentary team. But it wouldn't be Dancing with the Stars if your '90s nostalgia didn't come with a side helping of tween stars and athletes you've never heard of, and that's why we've ranked the new dancers from least to most relevant, so that you can tell them all apart when it comes time for them to cha cha. First up...
Cody SimpsonRemember when Justin Bieber first burst onto the scene, bright-eyed and innocent, with the kind of flippy hair that looks great on the walls of tween girls' lockers? Well, if that version of Bieber were blonde and Australian, you'd have Cody Simpson. Ask your cousin in middle school, she knows who he is.
James Maslow One fourth of the boy band Big Time Rush and one of the stars of their Nickelodeon show that you probably watched in reruns the last time you were sick. He's a big deal amongst the teenagers of the world, trust us.
Drew CareyOnce the star of several popular comedies, he's now best known for being the host of The Price Is Right, which means the majority of his votes are going to come from people who are either over 60 or unemployed.
Diana NyadShe's the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida, but other than that, does anyone actually know anything about her? Call us when she's on The Real Housewives of Miami.
Sean AveryA former professional hockey player, which apparently makes his presence on DWTS "historic." Also, he's friends with Andy Cohen, which bumps him up a spot or two.
Candace Cameron Bure'90s nostalgia gives DJ Tanner a pretty good spot on this list, but let's be real: she wasn't even the best character on her show. Of course, the second she dances to the Full House theme (you know it's going to happen!) she'll become everyone's favorite contestant. Bonus points if her partner, Mark Ballas, dresses up like Uncle Jesse.
Amy Purdy A snowboarding champ and a double amputee, her spot on DWTS actually is historic. Whether she wins or not, Amy Purdy will end up becoming the biggest star in this cast, and we're genuinely rooting for her.
Meryl Davis and Charlie WhitePartners on the ice and partners on this list, Meryl Davis and Charlie White just won a gold medal for pairs ice dancing at the Winter Olympics, like, a whole three weeks ago. They're also featured on boxes of Corn Flakes, which everyone knows is the second most important breakfast cereal there is.
Danica McKellarThere is an entire generation that refuses to let go of their first crush, Winnie Cooper, which is why she ranks higher than DJ Tanner. Plus, she's a mathematician, which makes her the coolest former child star around.
NeNe LeakesBy far the biggest star of the biggest reality television franchise on the air, NeNe Leakes is, whether we like it or not, a pretty big deal. If you like your dancing with a side of drama, this is the contestant for you. She's already got your mom's vote, so you might as well give in.
But all of the teenage fans, Olympic gold medals and reality television viewers pale in comparison with the man who is, by far, the biggest get of the season:
Billy Dee WilliamsLook, Lando Calrissian is a cinematic icon. He cannot be measured by the same standards of relevance as everyone else on this list; he transcends relevance. He leaves relevance in his dust. Lando Calrissian is the coolest cat on every planet in galaxies both near and far, and soon, he will be smoothest dancer in the universe.
Now that some of the fat has been trimmed (no, I’m not being derogatory towards women), let the dating begin! The honor of Juan Pablo’s first ever one-on-one goes to Clare Bear, the hairdresser with the heart of gold. JP single-handedly (no, that’s not true) transforms L.A. into a Winter Wonderland complete with an ice skating rink so that he and Clare can flirt like toddlers followed by a very adult dip in the hot tub where she immediately opens up about her dead dad to score some extra bonding points. It’s a rule that every time the Bachelor is submerged in water, he has to kiss the girl nearest to him, so they proceed to smooch. Notably, there was no alcohol during this date – perhaps a first in Bachelor history, so the perceived chemistry was probably real. Does this mean Juan Pablo will be able to avoid the curse of the episode 7 weight gain? We’re looking at you, Sean. The date ends, like most Bachelor dates do with a surprise private concert by a band no one has ever heard of while fake snow falls on the dancing duo.Next up is a one-on-one with Kat who puts on her best chambray shirt for the occasion. She’s whisked away on a private plane. Where to, she muses. Paris? Miami? No, honey. You’re going to Utah for a made for TV rave. Yay! She changes out of her sexy denim into more suitable neon attire before joining masses of people who are all miraculously wearing the same light-up tracksuits. After dosing themselves with ecstasy, they join the 5K dance parade. She gets a rose. Duh. He’s hopped on goof balls. How else would you explain how much fun they're having waving around glow sticks?And now for the group date – every girl’s favorite (said no one on The Bachelor, ever).The theme: A photo shoot for “Models & Mutts” – an organization that pairs pretty women with mangy dogs to raise awareness for shelters. The contestants are all given costumes to wear – with varying range of hellaciousness depending on how much the producers hate them.Highlights
- Elise, the first grade teacher who’s also the softest of the bunch (which is to say she’s still tiny by human standards) is tasked with wearing two pieces of cardboard which will expose her naughty bits. She very cleverly swaps with happy naked Lucy who’s given a giant fire hydrant costume (well played, producers). Lucy is a good sport. Score one for sisterhood!- Andi, the DA, is given but one piece of cardboard to wear. She has a mini meltdown. “I send people to prison for a living ... I’m not that kind of girl ...” (read: I feel bloated today). Juan convinces her to strip down in the least pervy way possible. What a great dad.- Kelly, who is a “dog lover” by trade is dressed like a big poop. Literally, poop: complete with bald cap and brown head to toe makeup. So violently unattractive that she must have done something awful to Chris Harrison. But her good attitude gets her the group date rose. See? It never pays to whine (Andi).At the after party, boring Cassandra (the 21 year-old dancer/makeup artist) tells Juan Pablo she has a two-year old son (you do the math) so now she’s guaranteed to get a rose. Way to bury the lead, Cassie. “That’s a good surprise!” JP says with a face filled with genuine glee, making my ovaries hurt. Victoria drinks too much flat champagne and whips out this gem (it’s best if read slurred): “If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day because that’s what life is about, straddling and things...” Classy. She locks herself in a bathroom sobbing because she hasn’t had any alone time with the guy she wants to hump. Renee (Den Mother of the year), slides under the stall door to very sweetly console. Not sanitary or helpful. Juan Pablo -- a veteran in the shutting down little girl tantrums department -- tries next but gets cussed out. Victoria is sent to the nearest Holiday Inn where she can’t be a bad influence on the other impressionable young ladies. Juan Pablo, as usual, is a perfect gentleman about the situation. He kindly executes her the next day in her hotel room. Conclusion: highly emotional drunks are unfit mothers and suitors for sober guys. Then comes the rose ceremony.No real surprises here. The curly haired girl flat irons her hair so she gets to stay. Cassandra’s a mom now so she’s sacrificed. Sharleen is still a b-word but she's "elegant" so gets a pass. Time's up for the only woman of color and Amy is let go after she "interviews" Juan Pablo in a campy, cringe-worthy news anchor routine. Men don't like performance art, missy. When will these women learn?Still high on our power rankings: Clare, Nikki, Andi, ReneeSee ya next week! Until then, cover up and drink in moderation.
Be still our beating hearts. Have you ever wished upon a star that the honey sweet words of Jake Gyllenhaal could gently lull you to sleep at night? We most certainly have and now thanks to The Great Gatsby, our most swoon-worthy dream is coming true!
Gyllenhaal has graciously lent his silky smooth voice as the narrator on The Great Gastby audio book — available on Audible — just in time for the highly anticipated film to hit theaters. Book-lovers everywhere can now brush up on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic while imagining Gyllenhaal as the hunky high school English teacher that we never had, but always wanted.
Treat yourself to the links below to hear 20 minutes of Gyllenhaal’s perfectly narrated excepts from The Great Gatsby. Warning: These audio clips will result in excessive daydreaming and strong desires to dump your current boyfriend.
Don’t miss The Great Gatsby when it hits theaters Friday May 10.
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