We all have our favorite New Year's Eve traditions. For some it's going out on the town for parties, champagne, and fireworks. For others, it's staying home with a special someone. And by "special someone" we mean "special someones." And by "special someones" we mean Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin. Here's a guide to tonight's "Ring In the New Year" specials and tomorrow's marathons.
Ring in the Night
Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2013 (ABC, 10:00 p.m.-11:00 p.m., 11:30 p.m.-2:10 a.m.) The Auld Lang Syne institution Dick Clark founded in 1973 celebrates its 40th edition without its maker. Ryan Seacrest will officially inherit the mantle from Clark who died last April of a heart attack at 82. Performers include Justin Bieber, The Wanted, Pitbull, Flo Rida, Ellie Goulding, and Jason Aldean. Starting two hours before the main event at 8:00 is a two-hour tribute to Dick Clark and his television legacy.
New Year's Eve Live With Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin (CNN, 10:00 p.m.-1:00 a.m.) Cooper and Griffin trade barbs and the CNN Standards & Practices Dept. collectively cringes. Expect Tom Foreman to run with his daughter through Central Park at the stroke of midnight and extensive coverage of the dropping of Sushi the drag queen in Key West.
MTV's Club NYE 2013 (MTV, 11:00 p.m.-12:05 a.m.) Snooki and JWOWW oversee a tanned MTV New Year's party. Performers Ke$ha, Ne-Yo, Sean Kingston, and Rita Ora will try to sing over the one million Times Square attendees and Snooki's whine.
New Year's Eve With Carson Daly (NBC, 10:00 p.m.-12:30 a.m.) Daly pulls up his folding chair to the Times Square festivities.
During the Day
America's Next Top Model (Oxygen 10am-10pm) If your 2013 resolution is to perfect the art of smizing, this will be the perfect marathon for you. Work it. Doomsday Preppers (Nat Geo, 8am): We survived Doomsday! Take that, Mayans! What better way to celebrate than by spending your time planted in front of the television to watch Doomsday Preppers? Fringe (Science, 10:30am) Still confused about what happened last night? Trying to figure out Fringe probably won't help matters much. Lost (G4, 10am-5pm) We have to go baaaaaaaack...to watching episodes of Lost. The Lying Game (ABC Family, 11:30am-5:30pm) Are those Pretty Little Liars not enough for you? Then be sure to check out what you've missed from The Lying Game, ABC Fam's latest hit that features another gaggle of attractive lying liars. Season 2 debuts on Jan. 8, so hurry up, already! My Strange Addiction (TLC, 11am- 6pm) Feel bad about all that hangover food you're wolfing down? Don't! At least you're not eating paper or glass like these folks! Portlandia (IFC, 6pm on Monday through 6pm on Tuesday) The 90s may still be alive in Portland, but Portlandia is alive and well in the 2000s. The quirky comedy favorite will play for 24 hours straight will give fans the chance to have a Battlestar Gallactica-like marathon of obsession. The Twilight Zone New Year's marathon (SyFy, 8am-4:30am, and on Tuesday, Jan. 1 from 6am-5am) This one is a yearly can't-miss. When else can you see Anthony sending people to the cornfield, the broken glasses of Henry Bemis, and those pig people all in one day? The Walking Dead (AMC, 9pm-5am) Have you been missing out on The Walking Dead's best season yet? For shame! See what my husband Daryl Dixon and the rest of the gang are up to before the show returns (after an epic cliffhanger midseason-finale) on Feb. 10. Hangover Cure Bunheads (ABC Family, 11:00am-6:00pm) Fan of le dance? Well, ABC Family is running a marathon of the summer episodes of Bunheads, leading into the movie Dirty Dancing at 6:00pm, and the network TV premiere of Burlesque at 8:30pm, for a dance themed day — too bad you spent last night dancing the night away, right? The Hangover (TBS, 11am-8 pm) Pretty clever, TBS. Relive the unforgettable antics of the Wolf Pack on January 1. Maybe The Hangover will become to New Year's Day what A Christmas Story is to Christmas and it will soon play on a 24-hour loop. [Photo credit: AMC] MORE: Holiday TV Marathon Guide: What to Watch When Hanging Out With Family Becomes Unbearable The Best and Worst TV Episodes of 2012—Staff Picks Staff Picks: The 15 Best TV Shows of 2012 (And the 5 Worst) You Might Also Like: Britney Spears to Be Fired From ‘X Factor’: Report 20 Hot (and Horrifying) TV Nude Scenes
Winning the lottery sounds pretty terrific, doesn't it? In an instant you can go from just getting by to having a Two and a Half Men-sized paycheck without actually having to appear on Two and a Half Men. (Now that is the definition of winning.) America has, once again, fallen under the spell of lotto fever now that the Powerball jackpot is up to nearly $500 million. With visions of worry-free Christmas shopping, a Blank Check-quality lifestyle, and telling your boss to take this job and shove it dancing in everyone's heads, it's easy to forget that winning the lottery also comes with a hefty price tag.
Never mind the fact that you'd be considered a Scrooge McDuck-like one percenter by your friends, family, and society as a whole (consider how being rich turned out for the ritzy folks in The Dark Knight Rises) but winning the lottery has a notoriously negative track record in Hollywood, too. Hitting the jackpot cursed Hurley (Jorge Garcia, pictured) on Lost, gave Bow Wow a shot at making another movie, and retroactively undid eight previously brilliant seasons of Roseanne. Brush up on your required school reading of The Lottery and then consider these cautionary Hollywood tales before you and your officemates chip in for a Powerball ticket today.
Hurley on Lost:Poor Hurley. This guy couldn't catch a break even when he was plucked (get it? Mr. Cluck's Chicken Shack!) from his miserable existence and won $114 million in the lottery for playing those fateful numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Those very same "cursed" numbers would lead Hurley to the island where... you know what, let's not even bother trying to explain what happened on that island. The moral of Hurley's story is, don't play those numbers if you decide to try the Powerball.
Roseanne: In its prime, Roseanne was a groundbreaking series about what life was really like for the lower/middle class in America. They looked like us, they sounded like us, they lived in houses like ours. It broke the sitcom mold in so many ways. But when the show entered its ninth and final season the show abandoned what made it great and turned the blue collar Conner clan into millionaires after they won the lottery. It turned out to be the point of no return for the Conners and the show itself.
Windfall: Imagine living in a fictional television town where you and all the other townsfolk (one of whom includes none other than Luke Perry) win — and attempt to share — $400 million? Sounds pretty good, right? What could possibly go wrong? Oh right, NBC could cancel you after one measly season despite having a spot on the then-prime Thursday night lineup.
It Could Happen To You: Sure, the cop (Nicholas Cage) and the waitress (Bridget Fonda) eventually have their adorable, deserving happily ever after, but everything that leads up to it was something of a nightmare. Cage's Charlie Lang has to deal with his greedy, grating wife who eventually becomes his ex-wife (played by Rosie Perez) and takes him to court for splitting their lottery ticket with a total stranger (Fonda's Yvonne). Yvonne has to deal with her own pesky ex (played by Stanley Tucci), not to mention the nonstop hounding she and Charlie got from the press.
The Lottery Ticket: When Kevin Carson (Bow Wow) finds himself with a winning lottery ticket worth $370 million, he spends the next hour-and-a-half trying to escape from people trying to get their hands on his coveted prize. The "comedy" was no jackpot at the box office though, the 2010 flick earned a measly $24 million.
Waking Ned Devine: Imagine if Weekend At Bernie's took place in Ireland and Bernie had a winning lottery ticket before he bit the big one. The quirky comedy gets away with its pretty twisted plot line (the townspeople try to con an inspector into believing the deceased Ned is still around so they can all collect the massive lottery earnings) but it's still a pretty warped, and illegal, way to have a fortune.
Friends: Okay, it was a little annoying to watch outrageously rich people like Jennifer Aniston pretend they really need lottery money, but it was all the obvious comedy cliches in the Season 8 episode that made it such a loser. When the gang (except for a stubborn Ross) all pool together to buy lottery tickets, there's scheming (Monica buys separate tickets for her and Chandler so that they wouldn't share with the others) and shenanigans abound, like when Phoebe drops all of the tickets, including a possible winner, off the balcony. Did they learn nothing from Roseanne? Why even tempt fate?
The Office: Much like Friends and Roseanne, The Office had a lottery-themed episode when the series began to run on creative fumes. Here, the warehouse staff (except for poor Daryl, who was now working in the office and, in an even crueler twist of fate, the winning numbers were his birthday) won the lotto and quit Dunder-Mifflin. It's bad enough there's no more Michael, but no more Midge? We quit, too.
The Hunger Games: Okay, The Reaping is not exactly the same as the actual money-winning lottery, but this is a lottery no less — and it's one that could cost you your life. It's essentially Russian Roulette Bingo for kids. May the odds be ever in your favor that you don't win this one.
That $500 million doesn't sound so good after all, does it? Nope, that's a damn lie. It still sounds pretty incredible. Sorry, Hurley!
[Photo credit: ABC]
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