FX/Michele K. Short
Well, like Stevie Nicks’ song “Landside,” it seems like American Horror Story is afraid of changing. And you can see the reflection of last season in a snow-covered hill ... of cow plops. You want a storyline to reach a nice crescendo and provide some closure. However, the folks at AHS like to establish plotlines like a nosy super Christian neighbor rather than developing some of its most prevalent characters. Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) seems to be the season’s villain, and yet, we know nothing about her.
The episode begins with Marie and Fiona Goode (Jessica Lange) having a sleepover. Their rivalry was never explained so this sudden flip-flop isn’t sudden or unexpected, it’s just random. Fiona offers to spell her asleep and Marie reveals the secret to her 300-year-old youth. Sadly, it isn’t chicken beaks, Oil of Olay, or sounding ratchet ... it’s killing babies. Apparently, she sold her soul to Ryan Murphy Papa Legba (Lance Reddick), who bears a strange resemblance to the WWE star The Undertaker. So she must go to a hospital and kidnap a baby. The sad part is this isn’t the craziest the episode gets. Although, luckily Stevie Nicks will appear at some point to salvage the plot, right?
Watching the news like best lady friends, Fiona, Marie, and Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson) find out that Hank was responsible for killing all the hairstylists/witches. Besides wasting valuable time reiterating what we already know, the scene finds Fiona giving Cordelia an epic smack and then a verbal lashing to match. However, Fiona has no problem with Marie paying Hank to kill the witches.
Then in a mere flash Fiona brings Misty Day (Lily Rabe) into the sitting room to find Stevie Nicks there. What? No explanation? Apparently, it’s good to be The Supreme. Misty faints to some comic relief and then Stevie plays a very low energy version of “Rhiannon.” She may be tired because someone tried to explain to her how this show is meant to make any sense. Plus, is Nicks a witch? Was she kidnapped using Fiona's mind control powers? Are they old friends? Why is freakin' Stevie Nicks on this show?
The remaining girls speculate on the identity of the new Supreme. Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) is still convinced it might be her. Nan (Jamie Brewer) reveals her powers are growing and she can control minds as well as read them. Could she be the Supreme? So far, Misty can resurrect, which is one of the seven wonders, Nan can control minds and Madison has telekinesis and pyrokinesis all of whch are powers Fiona has. Or ... will Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) return as the Supreme?
Fiona casts a weird magic foreclosure spell on the witch hunters and they are suddenly investigated by the FCC. That’s when Marie reveals the secret to her eternal life/youth. Sadly, it’s not the potion from Death Becomes Her which is starting to look significantly more well written than this season. Oh Meryl Streep ... could you have saved this season? Where is all of this going?
Madison and Misty go for a walk following a funeral with kebabs. They literally follow a funeral procession. Madison decides to reveal that she can also resurrect people and then coldcocks Misty and buries her alive. Is this the end of Misty as the Supreme? This is the best scene in the episode and yet it’s so short. However, Misty did mention she had plans for her ressurection should something happen.
Nan and Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) decide to go visit everyone’s least favorite storyline abusive mother Joan Ramsey (Patti Lupone) to try and find Luke’s body to try and resurrect him. This show is starting to rely a little much on resurrection. Nan shows off her new powers by forcing the murderous mom to drink bleach. Why was this woman ressurected if she was going to get killed off? This is a lot like last season with the premature exit of Rabe’s possessed nun. Why were Luke and his mother relevant at all? Why bother to waste valuable screentime on them if they rob the series of the chance to develop their characters. Is Marie more than an immortal voodoo queen with a really ratchet Jafakin’ accent. 300 years and she sounds like Halle Berry as Storm in X-Men. Remember Berry’s weak attempt at an African accent?
Fiona summons Papa Legba to try and get rid of her crow’s feet cancer using cocaine. She comes to learn she has no soul. Is it because her soul is the singular soul of the Supreme? Does the soul cycle through each Supreme? Did she lose it with her ghostly sexing with the Axeman (Danny Houston)? Or did she sell her soul for the survival of this series despite their lack of adequate plot development?
The series’ least powerful witches Cordelia and Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy) have a powwow in the greenhouse. Myrtle loves playing the theremin and Cordelia loves to cry and be helpless. What are their powers anyway? Should we be asking this in the tenth episode of the season? Luckily, Myrtle has the power of witty dialogue and taunts Cordelia.
Rather than allowing Marie to sacrifice a baby, Marie and Fiona decide to kill Nan by drowning her. Then Nicks pops back for another somber song. Because hey, why not.
Are the days of sad Robert Pattinson over, or have they just begun? Sources tell Us Weekly that Pattinson and almost-ex Kristen Stewart have decided to declare the whole Rupert Sanders affair water under the bridge and give things another shot. If Us is to be believed, the two are even living together again.
Now, getting back together with a cheating ex seems sketchy at best, so we think it would be wise for Pattinson to elicit more advice before he jumps right back into what very well may be a toxic relationship. We've gone ahead and done him a favor by writing to the most reliable sources for relationship wisdom we know: women's magazines.
These are all real quotes taken directly from the indicated magazines' advice columns. Responses are slightly edited for gender.
My girlfriend recently cheated on me. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure it was not a one-time thing — at least that's what it looked like in the pictures. She apologized profusely (and publicly) and cried a little and claims to still love me. I thought that meant something because she doesn't normally show emotion, but I still told her I needed some space. But now that I've had that space, I realize I'm lonely and miserable and we have a movie coming out and have to do the press tour anyway, so we are thinking about moving back in together. Do you think I should give her a second chance?
Seventeen: In theory, yes, everyone deserves a second chance. But you also need to honor the voice inside your head that is afraid of being hurt by this [girl] again--that voice is there to protect you. Since I don't have all the details about what went down between you two during that first breakup, it's best for you to use that voice as a guide … Maybe this [girl] didn't handle things so great. The point is, be a turtle. Don't rush back into a relationship just because [she's] gotten over whatever went down the first time ... The two of you need to resolve the trust issues that exist between you in a mature way, and the best way to do that is to take things slowly and not rush into dating again. And P.S.: You can have a relationship without it being a physical one, you know?
Marie Claire: I'd break up immediately after I found out my girlfriend cheated on me and I'd never give her another chance regardless of how "good" things ever were. Cheating is so selfish, and I'd never be able to let go of the mental image of her cheating on me. And cheaters are often repeat offenders. If I felt stupid the first time I got cheated on, how stupid would I feel the second time around? It's always good to go out on top: After she cheats on me, I would tell her to get lost, and still I'm the guy who never did anything wrong. That will leave her to float around and wonder what could have been, and live with the guilt.
Glamour: Don't take [her] back. [She] didn't cheat on you once. [She] cheated on you numerous times. And if you take [her] back, [she] will continue to cheat on you. It's a no-brainer—just like [her]. You gave [her] years of love and loyalty, and this is your repayment? … Your [girlfriend] might be truly sorry, [she] might get a gold star for confessing, and you might forgive [her] for what [she's] done, but [she] still must live with the consequences of [her] actions—losing you as a [boyfriend]. Forever. Maybe it will teach [her] something so that [she] doesn't make the same mistake with future [boyfriends]. Don't take [her] back. Please. This one's over. Move on.
Cosmopolitan: We’re going to put this bluntly, so put on your big-[boy] pants: The [girl] who’s perfect for you might cheat on you. Yes, even the most amazing, flower-sending, call-returning, make-your-friends-jealous [girlfriends] have been known to stray. “Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that when they truly are slip-ups, they’re survivable,” says William July, PhD, author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor. In order to salvage your twosome, it’s important to resist the urge to get revenge, make [her] angry, or feel anxious every time [she] doesn’t call, according to July. If you’re capable of forgiving [her] and moving on, do just that. After all, it was a mistake, not [her] relationship MO. Bottom line: give the [girl] a second chance. As long as [she] doesn’t do it again (ever, ever, ever) and [she] goes back to being that practically perfect [girlfriend], don’t you think he’s worth it? We do.
Only time will tell whether Pattinson decides to move on, like most every magazine recommends, or take Cosmo's advice to forgive and forget.
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[Photo Credit: WENN]
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‘Twas the night before Christmas and all...hell is about to break loose! It starts when a snowstorm grounds all planes at Chicago’s fictional Hoover International Airport. Nobody’s happy to be potentially spending Xmas at an airport but least of all are the Davenport siblings Spencer (Dyllan Christopher) and his little sis Katherine (Dominique Saldana) as well as airport security boss Oliver (Lewis Black). The two kids are escorted to the airport’s “Unaccompanied Minors Lounge ” where kids run wild and terrorize pushover Zach Van Bourke (Wilmer Valderrama) who acts as chief airport babysitter. One look at the madness is all it takes for Spencer and Katherine to bust out along with fellow kiddie anarchists Charlie (Tyler James Williams) Timothy (Brett Kelly) Donna (Quinn Shephard) and Grace (Gina Mantegna). They embark on a pratfall-heavy game of cat and mouse with Oliver who is the Grinch to their collective Santa Clause as they try and salvage Christmas--and their families. Unaccompanied Minors makes some odd but admirable choices when it comes to the cast with virtually every single actor attempting a “Frat Pack” mutiny--Daily Show mainstay Black is joined by “correspondent” Rob Corddry as the Davenports’ Hummer-hating dad not to mention parts from The Office’s B.J. Novak and Mindy Kaling Arrested Development’s Tony Hale and Jessica Walter SNL’s Rob Riggle and Kristen Wiig Paget Brewster David Koechner and a rare Kids in the friggin’ Hall (Kevin McDonald Bruce McCulloch and Mark McKinney) sighting. But the “Who’s that?” cameos aside the screen time is hogged by Black Valderrama and the children. Black the notoriously vulgar curmudgeon of a comedian shows great range and skill by dulling his shtick down but not so much that the kids watching won’t crack up while Valderrama’s performance is the same as his role--that of a bumbling easily overmatched lackey. With all the proverbial child actors in the mix it can seem a little Star Search-y but Williams (Everybody Hates Chris) steals most scenes with his amazing overall talent while Mantegna (Joe’s daughter) fares well too. Kelly (the bullied kid in Bad Santa) is exploited for his physicality and Christopher will likely go on to be a great actor even if he seems too seasoned at such a young age. The reason for the off-the-beaten-path cast is simple: director Paul Feig. The occasional actor has in the past directed episodes of The Office and the late Arrested Development Undeclared and Freaks and Geeks. It also might explain why he fell for a script--by Jacob Meszaros and Mya Stark--that takes a few stabs at grown-up comedy (i.e. Corddry’s character has a car that runs on vegetable oil). Such jokes will be lost on the exclusively preadolescent audience but almost all else will reel them in. Feig also seems adept at making the oft-unfunny (physical pratfalls) somewhat funny and he does so with little mention of bodily functions. Of course he stays true to the formula but all kid flicks are the ultimate exercises in contrivance--Feig just chooses to treat the viewers like kids instead of idiots.