Quickly enough, the varied rage-aholics comprising Vice President Selena Meyer's immediate staff have eased back into their insult- and obscenity-spouting M.O.s, churning out a whole bunch of hostility in the second episode of the stellar comedy's Season 3. This week, Selena faces the stresses of having to choose a new stance on abortion in light of her POTUS' quick shift toward the pro-life side. Naturally, the high-tension situation brings out a lot of colorful language in her crew. But who topped the lot with the harshest one-liners?
7. Secretary of the In-terror: JONAH
"Old Media like the Washington Toast better run and hide in the bathroom and join the Poo York Times."Oh Jonah...
"F**k HuffPo. They should be called 'PuffHo,' because Ariana Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces."...you horrible idiot.
6. Abhor-ney General: SUE
"[Selena] is on the Coast Guard boat. Meeting and greeting fish."Self-explanatory. Somehow a much funnier line than it sounds like it would be.
"I don't need an enhanced roll to know my worth, Gary."After Gary explodes with giddiness over his being asked to handle a task over Sue.
5. Secretary of Offense: BEN
Responding to Selena's sarcastic quip about the existence of an "I don't give a s**t" lobby:"You're looking at him. I've got posters, buttons... not really. Because I don't give a s**t."
"I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it go away." What do you even make of this?
"It would take a brain about this sizeMocking Gary's display of fruits representing the sizes of fetuses at different stages of gestation.
"I'm going home. If anybody needs me, I don't care."A classic, always.
4. Secretary of Treachery: MIKE
"Walt, Randal, this is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back."Introducing his new stepsons to Jonah.
"'Copy Cat Selena,' that's what they'll say. 'Me Too Meyer.' 'S**t for Brains.'"Predicting the public's antagonism for Selena's decision to mimic the abortion cut-off of another candidate.
3. Secretary of Hate: SELENA
"It begins here. In this Polish dungeon."Selena's grinning dismissal of her Maryland campaign office.
"I can’t identify myself as a woman. People can’t know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that… which, I believe, is most women."Regrettable bonus points for putting down her gender as a whole.
"You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?"To Mike, about Jonah.
"I can't listen to that Joan Crawford b**ch about Bette Davis anymore."In the parameters of this insult, Ben is Joan Crawford and Kent is Bette Davis.
"I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Should I print that up on a t-shirt that I can give to you?"Said to Dan, following his outburst over her inability to make a decision on the abortion issue. It's at once horrifying, condescending, and hilarious.
2. Vicious Vice-President: AMY
"You just gonna sit there, SpongeBob?"Mocking Dan for his seasickness. It's not so much the insult itself, but Amy's ability to make such a banal joke so pointedly mean that wins her points here.
"Tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on speakerphone now."I'm picking up on a very subtle undercurrent that everybody hates Mike's new wife. Or at least the idea of another human being entering their lives in a personal capacity.
"Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It's like listening to Jupiter."About Maddox.
"Moving on, and Dan may be quite soon..."Immediately following Selena's threats to oust Dan from his job. The callousness of her noting that Dan might actually get fired is what makes this such a gem.
"Go home. Take an ambien. Take 50."Said to Dan. Jeez, Amy really hates Dan.
"'Twenty-two-and-a-half Weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller."Putting down Gary's suggestion for an abortion cut-off. She could have just said 'no' ... but she's an artist.
1. The President of Put-Downs: DAN
"You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral."Putting down Gary's suggestion that Selena tell the world she's running for president. He could have just said 'no' ... but he's a wizard.
"That s**t-shoveled-faced-f**kin' Jonah."I don't even know what this means.
"I am going to rip your guts out of your tiny, shriveled little Chihuahua c**k."To Jonah.
"Hey, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito."To Jonah's friend.
"If you say anything about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height."To Jonah.
But Dan's real genius comes in the nonverbal form this week, blowing up at Selena to the point of physical tremors and shoving aforementioned burrito into Jonah's face as a symbol of his menace. Both are sights to behold from the usually stoic-to-the-point-of-soulless Dan.
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"Every angel needs an archangel!"In this scenario, he's the angel and Selena is the archangel. Gary... you weirdo.
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You haven't been able to explain why, but for some reason the past few months have felt... nicer. Friendlier. More humane. Like the world's cynical edge has faded into a general aura of good intentions and widespread compassion. Well, hopefully you haven't gotten to used to it, because the mean streak you used to know is back — Veep has returned for its third season on HBO, coming back in full force with the very best insult comedy on contemporary television. This season, we're going to hone in on which of the series' characters is leading the pack in general misanthropy by ranking the best barbs of every episode.
We start off with the season premiere, which sees Vice President Selena Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a book tour through Iowa as the rest of her staff is back home in D.C. for Mike's (Matt Walsh) wedding to a reporter named Wendy. Due to Mike's unprecedented giddiness, he sat the week out in the insults game, but his colleagues were on point in terms of disses, put-downs, hostile barbs, biting reproaches, and your run of the mill bullying. Who won the race with the coldest zingers?
6. Abhor-ney General: JONAH
"I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin."Jonah's unimpressive, infantile sign-off after he's been fired from the White House for running a gossiptainment blog.
5. Secretary of Offense: AMY
"Look at you, Dan. You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber."There's something about Amy's subdued, even-tempered jabs that feel even more hurtful than her cohorts' heated ones.
"Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs."Said, again calmly, when Jonah is trying to worm his way into a group photo at Mike's wedding. Good for a chuckle, but this episode isn't Amy's best.
4. Secretary of Treachery: SUE
"Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary?"To be perfectly honest, neither of Sue's jokes this week (her only two lines in the episode, I might add) are Veep-caliber insults. But Sufe Bradshaw's delivery is impeccable.
"I hate how he learned English from pornography."Markedly better; said in response to Jonah's excessive use of phrases like "money shot" in non-sexual context.
3. Secretary of Hate: BEN
"Get out of the way or I'll f**king inhale you."Ben yells this at Selena's obscenely incompetent Iowa right-hand man. The believability of the threat makes it so funny.
[On the title of Selena's book, New Beginnings: The Next American Dream] "You’re so full of s**t, there’s a colon right smack dab in the middle."Now that's just terrific wordplay.
2. Viscious Vice-President: DAN
"I would hate the be the local Iowa guy that’s got to take care of [Selena]. Trying to source Gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for f**s."An insult to Iowa, Selena, the gay community, and, somehow, Gazpacho. Points for versatility.
"What the f**k are you doing here? You weren't invited. Unless you're the Worst Man."This clumsy and obvious clunker docks the usually clever Dan a few points.
"Hey, Hepatitis J."Classy, elegant, hilarious.
Jonah: "What's Google's number?"Dan: "I don't know, ask Jeeves."Not so much an insult as it is just taunting and aggressively unhelpful. But one of the biggest laughs of the night regardless.
1. The President of Put-Downs: SELENA
"Hey, Richard. No offense... you're a catastrophe."Julia Louis-Dreyfus is one of the few comedians who can deliver a line as blunt and unimaginative as this and make it feel sharp.
[To Ben] "Good to see your friendly-ish face-ish."In sharp contrast to the former, the beauty of this excellent jab at her friend's personality and appearance is its majestic subtlety.
"That bag of wrist-slits got the nomination? With that face and personality?"Boom. Easily the meanest thing said all episode. And she delivers it with that demonic smile. Oh, woe is the world in which she occupies the Oval Office.
And since we love Gary so much, we'll also be running this little addition to our weekly insult-off:
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"[To Wendy] You look gorgeous! Is that lipstick coral blush? Nicely applied!"Oh, Gary. You sweet soul.
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It’s October! The leaves are changing, the temperatures are dropping (except in LA… ), and our Fall TV season is finally in full swing. To help celebrate that fact that our DVRs have a purpose again, this week’s spoiler list features all of my favorite shows! Wait, no sorry, that’s a lie. I watch an obscene amount of television — it’s truly frightening — and I’m easily entertained. So if this list really had all my faves, we would be here for at least a few days.
Okay so to clarify, this week’s list highlights six shows that make me all warm and fuzzy inside. The Vampire Diaries’ Kat Graham spilled secrets from next week’s season premiere, Supernatural fans should be prepared for a new lady passenger in the Impala, and I’ve got details on the return of our favorite Canadian pop star on How I Met Your Mother! Plus, scooplets (adorably awesome baby spoilers) from Glee, New Girl and The Middle!
1. The Vampire Diaries: Season 4 Repercussions and Romance!
I don’t know about you but I am counting down the milliseconds until The Vampire Diaries is back where it belongs: on perpetual repeat on my TV screen. To help us get even more pumped for all the Mystic Falls goodness, I chatted with the unbelievably sweet Kat Graham about what fans can expect from next week’s season premiere. When we last saw Bonnie, she was acting like a badass and rebelling against the spirit’s wishes to kill Klaus (Joseph Morgan), which in turn would kill a handful of her closest friends (Damn vampire lineage thing!) Graham warns that her witchy ancestors are less than pleased with her decision. “The biggest thing they’ve done so far is take away her powers," she says. "They’re going to do something even worse than that to her for a repercussion. They’re going to really really do something bad to her.” After learning the truth, I suggest you have a few boxes of tissues close by, TVD fans.
At the request of my Twitter followers (see, I told you I listen!), I made sure to ask about one of the few couple combinations we’ve yet to see on our screens: Bonnie and Damon (Ian Somerhalder). The actress/singer told me with a smile, “Everyone knows the impact that relationship could have on the show and how heavy and strong that could be. I think it’s just better to kind of pace yourself with that kind of storyline.”
Although this potential love triangle (Bonnie, Damon, Elena) won’t happen just yet, Graham admits that she loves her Bamon fans and the passion that they bring to the Twitterverse. “The fans just get so insane, which I love, but they would just lose their minds. They would just pass out, so we just want to keep them watching. We don’t want to kill them.” I’m pretty sure some fans wouldn’t mind watching from heaven if it meant their beloved book couple would finally be brought together.
2. Glee: Will a Freshman Flame Rekindle This Year?
Six abs, two seasons, and one tattoo later, Mike Chang and Tina Cohen-Chang are no longer the longest-running couple on Glee. So now that Tina is a single lady, I asked Jenna Ushkowitz what exactly she’d like to see for her character this season. “It would be fun to see Tina with somebody new," she says. "It’s been two years of the same guy, so it will be interesting." Of course, at this point I not-so-subtlety segued into something that many fans have been dying to know: Will Tina and Artie get back together?! Ushkowitz told me with a big smile, “Yes! Well, I love working with Kevin so I would definitely like to see that. I don’t think that they really got to live out their relationship so it would be fun.” Please excuse me while I Twitter bomb Ryan Murphy with my gleequest for this to happen.
It seems that Kevin McHale was drinking from the same Kool-Aid because he’s also crossing his fingers for more Artie/Tina romance. (Artina? Tartie? I can’t decide which I like better… ) “I do too!” McHale says. “I think that would be really nice to have our senior year come full circle. It’s Glee so you can't predict what’s going to happen but I’m sure whatever they do is going to be hilarious.”
For now it seems like Artina/Tartie fans are going to have to wait until this whole Artie and Sugar (Vanessa Lengies) thing plays out. McHale reveals, “I always felt like that was kind of unresolved and Rory might have been deported so… ” Woah, hey now! Did Artie call immigration on Rory!? The actor says, “I don’t think so, but that’s a great idea! That’s such an incredible idea and I’m stealing it. If you see it happen, you’ll know that you came up with it.” Welp, no big deal, but it looks like I’m writing plot twists for Glee now. Squee!
3. How I Met Your Mother: It’s the Return of Robin Sparkles!
Put on your jelly bracelets, grab your graffiti jean jacket and meet me at the mall because Robin Sparkles is ba-ack! If you don’t know who Robin Sparkles is, then I’m sorry, but I ‘m not sure that we can ever be friends. With that said, please feast your eyes on this and this. Great! Now that you’re fully aware of the most amazing Canadian pop star of all time, you can imagine just how exciting it is to know that we’ll be seeing her again this season.
In episode 8, intriguingly titled “Twelve Horny Women,” the gang will be swapping stories about their badass pasts. In a flashback, we’ll see the “Sandcastles in the Sand” singer completely flip out and engage in some pretty outrageous behavior. What prompted this wave of anger you may ask? A hotel employee politely asked her to turn down the music in her room. Sheesh! Of course, in true HIMYM fashion, Robin’s (Cobie Smulders) tale turns out to be just a little bit farfetched. What really happened? You'll have to tune in to find out! 4. The Middle: Sophomore Sue to the rescue!
It's Sue's (Eden Sher) time to shine in tonight’s episode of The Middle! Now that she’s a sophomore, she’s ready to put 200 percent into yet another extracurricular activity. Bunheads fans will see a familiar face roaming the high school halls when Bailey Buntain guest stars as Jenna, an incoming freshman that Sue decides to mentor. “Jenna is that girl who just never has to try," Buntain says. "She makes friends really easily and she’s nice and she fits in and it all just comes really easy and natural to her.”
Poor Sue! After a beyond difficult freshman year, it’s baffling for her to see someone fit in so effortlessly. Luckily, Sue’s mentee doesn’t care that the new sophomore has trouble fitting in. Buntain says, “Jenna’s just really nice. She doesn’t care if Sue is popular or a nerd but watching Jenna and Sue together you see that they’re kind of opposites.” [Insert your own quip about how opposites attract here.]
5. Supernatural: Mama Drama for the Boys!
At the end of last year, fans were introduced to Princeton-applicant/Prophet Kevin (Osric Chau), and many will be excited to know that this multi-tasker will be playing a major role as this season progresses. But in episode 2, his presence is going to manifest a different sort of supernatural being for Sam and Dean — a Tiger Mom! Oh yes, you read that correctly.
Since Kevin has been MIA and on the run for over a year, it’s only natural that he’s be worried about his mother. Dean — who, after a year of non-stop battle in Purgatory is now a hardened (and sexy) warrior — doesn't really care, but Sam approves of Kevin's mission to bring her up to speed. "Kevin, understandably, is worried about his mother," Jared Padalecki tells us on the set of Supernatural. "Dean is very much like, 'Hey, forget about it, we have some work to do. I’m sure she’s fine.' [But] Kevin is resolute. She’s been compromised, and we have to save her... it puts Dean and Sam in funny situations. There’s a Tiger Mommy quote unquote forced upon us, so we find ourselves in a situation where we’re like, 'We don’t want to buckle our seatbelt! Just chill out and let us do what we do.'" And they do what they do oh-so well, don’t cha think?
But according to Executive Producer Jeremy Carver, this motherly influence was a long time coming. "Mrs. Tran does something sort of interesting and fun," he says. "[Her presence] gives the boys, in an odd way, a mother figure that they haven't had in a long time. It's a fun dynamic, and it can be a rather moving dynamic. It also gives you a fourth wheel in the car that you have to deal with." You can check out more Supernatural scoop about tonight’s season premiere right here!
6. New Girl: Prepare for a Thunderdome Thanksgiving!
Question: What is better than Fat Schmidt? Answer: Young fat Scmidt! In this year’s Thanksgivng episode, we’ll be served another delicious heaping of our favorite chubby companion — in flashback style of course! It seems that before our Schmidt (Max Greenfield) was a thumb ring-wearing, chut-a-ney loving, frittata-cooking stud, he was a boy who was bullied. Unfortunately, that bully was none other than his older cousin Big Schmidt. Now, twentysomething years later, it’s time for our Schmidt and ex-marine cousin Schmidt to face off in the ultimate battle royale: a manliness competition! I can’t reveal what ridiculousness will ensue, but one thing is for sure: It’s going to be oh-so douchey, and I can’t wait!
What do you think will happen to Bonnie in the TVD premiere? Excited at the thought of Artina/Tartie getting back together? Who do you think will win in New Girl’s manliness competition? And is anyone else planning to dress up as Robin Sparkles for Halloween?! Spill everything in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
—Additional reporting by Shaunna Murphy.
[Photo Credit: The CW, FOX, CBS]
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