Summit via Everett Collection
You can imagine that Renny Harlin, director and one quadrant of the writing team for The Legend of Hercules, began his pitch as such: We'll start with a war, because lots of these things start with wars. It feels like this was the principal maxim behind a good deal of the creative choices in this latest update of the Ancient Greek myth. There are always horse riding scenes. There are generally arena battles. There are CGI lions, when you can afford 'em. Oh, and you've got to have a romantic couple canoodling at the base of a waterfall. Weaving them all together cohesively would be a waste of time — just let the common threads take form in a remarkably shouldered Kellan Lutz and action sequences that transubstantiate abjectly to and fro slow-motion.
But pervading through Lutz's shirtless smirks and accent continuity that calls envy from Johnny Depp's Alice in Wonderland performance is the obtrusive lack of thought that went into this picture. A proverbial grab bag of "the basics" of the classic epic genre, The Legend of Hercules boasts familiarity over originality. So much so that the filmmakers didn't stop at Hercules mythology... they barely started with it, in fact. There's more Jesus Christ in the character than there is the Ancient Greek demigod, with no lack of Gladiator to keep things moreover relevant. But even more outrageous than the void of imagination in the construct of Hercules' world is its script — a piece so comically dim, thin, and idiotic that you will laugh. So we can't exactly say this is a totally joyless time at the movies.
Summit via Everett Collection
Surrounding Hercules, a character whose arc takes him from being a nice enough strong dude to a nice enough strong dude who kills people and finally owns up to his fate — "Okay, fine, yes, I guess I'm a god" — are a legion of characters whose makeup and motivations are instituted in their opening scenes and never change thereafter. His de facto stepdad, the teeth-baring King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins), despises the boy for being a living tribute to his supernatural cuckolding; his half-brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is the archetypical scheming, neutered, jealous brother figure right down to the facial scar. The dialogue this family of mongoloids tosses around is stunningly brainless, ditto their character beats. Hercules can't understand how a mystical stranger knows his identity, even though he just moments ago exited a packed coliseum chanting his name. Iphicles defies villainy and menace when he threatens his betrothed Hebe (Gaia Weiss), long in love with Hercules, with the terrible fate of "accepting [him] and loving [their] children equally!" And the dad... jeez, that guy must really be proud of his teeth.
With no artistic feat successfully accomplished (or even braved, really) by this movie, we can at the very least call it inoffensive. There is nothing in The Legend of Hercules with which to take issue beyond its dismal intellect, and in a genre especially prone to regressive activity, this is a noteworthy triumph. But you might not have enough energy by the end to award The Legend of Hercules with this superlative. Either because you'll have laughed yourself into a coma at the film's idiocy, or because you'll have lost all strength trying to fend it off.
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They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But why imitate when you can innovate? First, America’s Next Drag Superstar Jinkx Monsoon and Ivy Winters created this legendary fantasy recasting of Death Becomes Her. Then Willam Belli appeared in this gay YouTube spoof, “Rambo, But Gay.”
That got the gears turning. What other movies could use a little bit of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent? Here are 10 movies with biological women that could use the full drag race treatment.
10. DreamGirls - This had to be on the list. Latrice Royale is is large, in charge, chunky, yet funky. She’s bold and beautiful so she is a clear fit to play Effie White. Dancing queen Milan is the perfect fit to play sensitive Lorrell Robinson. Tyra Sanchez fancies herself Beyoncé, but she can’t sing. So Deena Jones would have to be played by the America’s first drag superstar, BeBe Zahara Benet.
9. Steel Magnolias - Queen Latifah made an African American version of the popular film. Couldn’t it be possible to have an all Puerto Rican version? Imagine maternal Nina Flowers instead of Sally Field, spunky Carmen Carrera instead of Julia Roberts, Jessica Wild instead of mousy Daryl Hannah, Alexis Mateo and her breast plate instead of Dolly Parton, Madam LaQueer in Olympia Dukakis’ role and finally Yara Sophia giving you Shirley MacLaine realness.
8. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - They may be old friends, but, Chad Michaels and Shannel would be great at playing feuding sisters Jane (Betty Davis) and Blanche (Joan Crawford).
7. The Craft - There has to be a spooktacular choice for Sharon Needles and Rulaskatox. When innocent Sara (Sharon Needles) moves to town she meets three witches, (Alaska, Detox and Roxxxy Andrews). What follows is black magic, black clothes and really heavy eyeliner.
6. Bring it On: All or Nothing - These queens are most likely to go direct-to-video. But their feud did make the fifth season of the show very entertaining. When Alyssa Edwards family moves and enrolls her in public school she has to join the cheerleading squad run by Coco Montrese. Expect plenty of reading!
5. Mean Girls - When Tatianna moves to a new town she gets on the radar of The Heathers (Raja, Manila Luzon and Delta Work). Her friends Shangela and Stacy Layne Matthews convince her to play both sides and take them down.
4. Big Business - Manila Luzon and Jujubee play two sets of twins in a remake of this Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin Classic.
3. Nine to Five - Pandora Boxx plays spunky Doralee Rhodes (Parton), Ivy Winters plays sweet-as-pie Judy Bernley (Jane Fonda) and Raven plays snarky Violet Newstead (Tomlin).
2. She-Devil - After an actress (Willam Belli) ruins her life, a jilted housewife (Mimi Imfurst) plans her destruction. With the help of a pint-sized friend (Kenya Michels) they get their revenge.
1. Troop Beverly Hills - All the Drag Race girls could star in a remake of this popular 90s. It'd be great, if only, to see them do a drag rendition of " It's Cookie Time." Clearly, Mama Ru would play Shelly Long's part.
Who would you love to see in a movie remake?
Salt the propulsive new thriller from Phillip Noyce (Clear and Present Danger Patriot Games) has been dubbed “Bourne with boobs ” but that label isn’t entirely accurate. In the role of Evelyn Salt a CIA staffer hunted by her own agency after a Russian defector fingers her in a plot to murder Russia’s president Angelina Jolie keeps her two most potent weapons holstered hidden under pantsuits and trenchcoats and the various other components of a super-spy wardrobe that proudly emphasizes function over flash.
But flash is one thing Salt never lacks for. Its breathless cat-and-mouse game hits full-throttle almost from the outset when a former KGB officer named Orlov (Daniel Olbrychski) stumbles into a CIA interrogation room and begins spilling details of a vast conspiracy. Back in the ‘70s hardline elements of the Soviet regime launched an ambitious new front in the Cold War flooding the western world with orphans trained to infiltrate the security complexes of their adopted homelands and wait patiently — decades if necessary — for the order to initiate a series of assassinations intended to trigger a devastating nuclear clash between the superpowers from which the treacherous Reds would emerge triumphant.
The Soviet Union may have long ago collapsed (or did it? Hmmm...) but its army of brainwashed killer orphan spies remains in place and if this crazy Orlov fellow is to be believed they stand poised to reignite the Cold War. It’s a preposterous — even idiotic — scheme but no more so than any of our government’s various harebrained proposals to kill Castro back in the ‘60s. As such the CIA treats it with grave seriousness even the part that that pegs Salt who just happens to be a Russian-born orphan herself as a key player in the conspiracy.
Salt bristles at the accusation but suspecting a set-up she opts to flee rather than face interrogation from her bosses Winter (Liev Schreiber) and Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor). A former field agent she’s been confined to a desk job since a clandestine operation in North Korea went south leaving her with a nasty shiner and a rather unremarkable German boyfriend (now her unremarkable German husband). She’s clearly kept up her training during while cubicle-bound however and in a blaze of resourceful thinking and devastating Parkour Fu she fends off a dozen or so agents of questionable competence and takes to the streets where she sets about to clear her name and unravel the Commie orphan conspiracy before the authorities can catch up with her. That is if she isn’t a part of the conspiracy.
The premise which aims to resurrect Cold War tensions and graft them onto a modern-day spy thriller is absurdly clever — and cleverly absurd. But Kurt Wimmer’s screenplay isn’t satisfied with the merely clever and absurd — it must be mind-blowing. Salt is one of those thrillers that ladles out its backstory slowly and in tiny portions every once in a while dropping a revelatory bombshell that effectively blows the lid off everything that happened beforehand. No one is who they seem and every action every gesture no matter how seemingly trivial is imbued with some kind of grand significance. The effect of piling on one insane twist after another has the effect of gradually diluting the narrative. When anything is possible nothing really matters.
But spy thrillers by definition trade in the preposterous and the principal function of the summer blockbuster is to entertain. In that regard Salt more than fulfills its charge. Noyce wisely keeps the story moving at pace that allows little time for asking uncomfortable questions or poking holes in the film’s frail plot. And he has an able partner in the infinitely versatile Jolie who having already exhibited formidable action-hero chops in Wanted and the Tomb Raider films proves remarkably adept at the spy game as well.
It’s well-known that Jolie wasn’t the first choice to star in Salt joining the project only after Tom Cruise dropped out citing the story’s growing similarities to the Mission: Impossible films. But she’s more than just a capable replacement; she’s a welcome upgrade over Cruise not least because she’s over a decade younger (and a few inches taller) than her predecessor. Should Brad Bird require a pinch-hitter for Ethan Hunt he knows where to look.