Universal via Everett Collection
Every movie I saw in 2013, ranked from worst to best:
112. IDENTITY THIEFThe first comedy movie to not make me laugh once.
111. SAVING MR. BANKSInsulting, manipulative, dishonest, and unkind, with occasional song breaks.
110. SCARY MOVIE 5These movies have gotten much worse since we were 13.
109. GETAWAYINT. RACECAR. NIGHT. Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez crash into stuff.
108. GROWN UPS 2So much vomiting, so many homophobic jokes, so little plot.
107. I GIVE IT A YEARAn ugly, loveless rom-com that isn't clever enough to be satire.
106. DEAD MAN DOWNAll I remember is a whole lot of dark alleyways.
105. A GLIMPSE INSIDE THE MIND OF CHARLES SWAN IIIThe best part is the closing credits (I'm not being flip, they're actually kind of fun).
104. MOVIE 43Bad offensive joke after bad offensive joke after bad offensive joke...
103. WINNIE MANDELADesperately important story turned into a desperately dull movie.
102. TWICE BORNNo summary available due to lack of anything interesting happening in this movie.
101. R.I.P.D.Somebody forgot to give Ryan Reynolds any jokes.
New Line Cinema via Everett Collection
100. THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONEThis movie could have been funny if Wonderstone wasn't such a d**k.
99. ONLY GOD FORGIVESInteresting in the moments when it's not shoving its unpleasantness down your throat.
98. MAN OF STEELSetup: cerebral reinvention of Superman. Payoff: mass property damage.
97. CARRIEBeat-by-beat remake without any of the original's spirit.
96. THE TO DO LISTUncomfortably raunchy and mean. Thank God for Bill Hader.
95. KICK-ASS 2More Mean Girls shtick would have benefited this weak sequel.
94. PHANTOMI'm not sure this was actually a finished movie.
93. WRONGObnoxiously nonsensical, but not without its share of laughs.
92. THE SMURFS 2Mostly cloying, but Neil Patrick Harris is incurably watchable.
91. HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS Dumb.
89. NOW YOU SEE MEPossibly the worst ending in a 2013 movie, but a few bits of fun along the way.
88. WE'RE THE MILLERS[Pop culture reference]
87. RED 2John Malkovich's facial contortions save this from total failure.
86. STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS It hsa a few pros, but is mostly one giant... well, you know.
85. RIDDICKSurprisingly intriguing, when it isn't being deplorably sexist.
84. FREE BIRDSEh, turkeys are kinda funny.
83. PRISONERS Thankfully, scenes of Hugh Jackman yelling are intercut with the far superior scenes of Jake Gyllenhaal yelling.
82. WHITE REINDEER Any minute now, this movie is going to reveal its inner glory! Any minute now!
81. EVIL DEAD A better horror flick than the original! But still mostly forgettable.
80. GBFMostly charming, undone by its "safe" and "classy" ending.
79. THE RELUCTANT FUNDAMENTALISTIt's kind of hard to get past how boring the title is.
78. DESPICABLE ME 2 Lots of minions. People like minions, right?
77. JOHN DIES AT THE END Not nearly as weird as it thinks it is or wants to be.
76. 2 GUNSHey, wait a minute, this movie is kinda funny! ... Not that funny, but kinda.
75. SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES MEI like to call this movie Click Offerman.
74. WHITE HOUSE DOWNWould be more fun if we were ready to laugh about terrorism.
73. AT ANY PRICEBoooriii— HOLY S**T WHERE THE F**K DID THAT COME FROM?!
72. BAD MILONot quite up to par with your expectations for the "Ken Marino has a demon in his butt" synopsis.
71. MONSTERS UNIVERSITYLackluster prequel, nice to look at, big band music.
70. THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES In its audacity, this silly amalgam of YA tropes can actually be a lot of fun.
69. THE CONJURING Fascinating subplots about the exorcism industry would be better served at the head of the film.
68. PEEPLESThere's a joke about wristwatches that I still think about.
67. SIDE EFFECTSSoderbergh's farewell caper doesn't have as much fun as its loony plot would demand.
66. ELYSIUMBroad and clumsy, but how wrong can you go with Bald Matt Damon?
65. OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFULIt works with Dark Side of the Moon.
64. THE COUNSELORThe book was better. Wait, this wasn't a book? Well it should have been.
63. IN A WORLD...A fun, biting look at an unappreciated industry! ... until it dissolves into mild genericism.
62. THE LONE RANGER Oh come on, you didn't love the William Tell climax?
61. THE WOLVERINENot always engaging, but at least it's about something.
Summit Entertainment via Everett Collection
60. WARM BODIESNot really about anything, but at least it's engaging.
59. THE BROKEN CIRCLE BREAKDOWNUndeniably powerful, but feels like it could use a few more revisions.
58. ENDER'S GAMESpace Camp: The Movie! (Slightly less expensive than actual space camp.)
57. PACIFIC RIMMonsters vs. robots aside, there's a riveting world constructed in the backdrop of this sci-fi epic.
56. ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUESThe battle royale does not disappoint.
55. YOU'RE NEXTThe fun, swift hook isn't nearly as interesting as the great character work that it replaces.
54. THE WAY WAY BACKI, too, long to get life advice from a waterpark-dwelling Sam Rockwell.
53. SOME VELVET MORNINGEven if you see the twist coming, the chemistry here is impeccable.
52. THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIREShut up, Peeta, I'm trying to watch all the good parts of this movie.
51. 20 FEET FROM STARDOMA story that deserves a little more spirit and energy than it is given in this documentary.
50. DON JONNo. 50 on "Best Movies" list, No. 1 on "Best Trailers."
49. THE ROCKETA feel-good kids' adventure substantiated by the gravities of war. Wins in both areas.
48. CRYSTAL FAIRY & THE MAGICAL CACTUS AND 2012Beautifully shot, interestingly written, impressively acted.
47. MUD Yes, we all loved The Goonies, and we all loved David Wooderson, so...
46. CUTIE AND THE BOXER A vivid struggle that is equal parts artistically, martially, and internally based. Engrossing all the way.
45. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS Tom Hanks' best performance in ages in a dramatic thriller that feels real (for obvious reasons).
44. THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG As a Legend of Zelda fan, this movie's world awakened something in me.
43. FRUITVALE STATIONThis character story is at odds with its out-universe goal, but Michael B. Jordan is unforgettable.
42. BEFORE MIDNIGHTI'm still not sure how I feel about that ending, but it was good to catch up wit Jesse and Celine.
41. DARK TOUCHEverything that Carrie could have been. A shocking fantasy about human pains.
Walt Disney Co via Everett Collection
40. THOR: THE DARK WORLDMore Chris O'Dowd.
39. BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLORIntellectually stimulating, but doesn't hit all its emotional marks.
38. THE WORLD'S ENDI've been saying "Gooey Wooey Egg Man" for months.
37. THE GREAT GATSBYLights! Music! Pizzazz! Moxy! The bee's knees! The cat's pajamas!
36. ENOUGH SAIDBest TV drama's male lead + best TV comedy's female lead = quite a charming romantic dramedy.
35. SIGHTSEERSWell, this is rather amusi— HOLY S**T WHERE THE F**K DID THAT COME FROM?!
34. THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINESNot sure if the "three stories" approach makes for the most powerful character work, but it's an enchanting ride.
33. THE WE AND THE I A bus full of inner-city high school kids turns into a magical kingdom thanks to Gondry's dreamy edge.
32. NEWLYWEEDSA love triangle with marijuana as the third party. Weighty, but never overly so, and funny throughout.
31. GRAVITY. . .
30. PRINCE AVALANCHE Heh heh, look at Paul Rudd's mustache.
29. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET Yes, we all loved the 'ludes scene. Very, very much.
28. ALL IS LOSTRobert Redford, you still got that same oomph. You too, ocean.
27. SAVING LINCOLN The weirdest, goofiest, funniest biopic about Abraham Lincoln ever.
26. THE KINGS OF SUMMER Kids run away, live in the woods, grow up, make jokes. Always a charming endeavor.
25. AMERICAN HUSTLE Little more than a cartoon, but an emotionally explosive and riotous one at that.
24. THE HEAT Melissa McCarthy insisting on stepping out of a moving car earns a full five minutes of laughter alone.
23. DRINKING BUDDIESNever dips too low on the emotional spectrum, but stays real and fresh in the face of the rom-com genre.
22. UPSTREAM COLORA difficult, confusing, harrowing thinker.
21. STOKER Somehow both effectively haunting and deliciously fun.
Room 237: the movie/Facebook
20. ROOM 237 Less a doting tribute to The Shining or Kubrick than it is to movie-lovers and their bottomless well of theories.
19. BLUE JASMINE Each party fires on all cylinders in Woody Allen's Streetcar gem, Sally Hawkins especially.
18. S#X ACTSThe sadness of this story of our youth's desperate obsession with and reliance on sex is its authenticity.
17. IRON MAN 3 The first true action comedy in Marvel's line of films shows how much fun superhero movies can really be.
16. ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW Take notes, John Dies at the End. THIS is one weird f**king movie.
15. NEBRASKA Father vs. son, past vs. present, dreams vs. reality. Everything here is touching, funny, and inviting.
14. PAIN & GAIN Michael Bay talks a long, hard look in the mirror with this biting send-up of everything his other movies represent.
13. THIS IS THE ENDFar more interesting and insightful than it will get credit for being, This Is the End uses a literal apocalypse and no dearth of d**k jokes to deconstruct tenets of friendship and social politics.
12. THE ACT OF KILLING While this documentary would benefit from restructuring, the power of its message (especially its final few monents, not to mention the "anonymous"-heavy credits) is painfully resonant.
11. FROZENOffering the magic and whimsy you'll remember from time-honored Disney classics, but so much more in the way of its message, Frozen might very well be the most magnificent and meaningful animated feature yet to spring from Walt's legacy.
10. COMPUTER CHESSIt doesn't have much to say about the human condition (beyond maybe highlighting our propensity for arrogance and self-directed delusion). It doesn't tell a story that'll stick with you for very long. But Computer Chess reigns supreme as, far and away, the funniest movie of 2013.
9. SPRING BREAKERS A dark, wicked, wholly upsetting reflection of the toxic direction in which we might be headed. And James Franco gives a tour-de-force of a performance with his demonic scoutmaster Alien.
8. IT'S A DISASTER An intelligent, meticulously directed farce about group politics and conflicting personal philosophies, executed to near perfection thanks to the rhythmic participation of a more than capable cast.
7. 12 YEARS A SLAVEAn unprecedented masterpiece that sings the traumas not only of Solomon Northrup, a free man captured and sold into slavery, but in his fellow sufferers as well. For my money, the true anchor of the story is in Lupita Nyong'o's Patsey, whose suffering is unlike anything we've seen managed on the big screen in years.
6. HER With so much to say about such tremendous topics, Her manages to still dive so deep into the heart of its story: the pangs of love in the wake of the inevitable fallibilities of romantic relationships. Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson alike give dynamic performances, and Spike Jonze mystifies us with his strange, cold, all-too-familiar world.
A24 via Everett Collection
5. THE SPECTACULAR NOWThis is one of those movies you try to convince yourself to inch out of your top 10, or five, for fear of being seen as juvenile. ButThe Spectacular Now hits such genuine notes with Miles Teller's Sutter, climaxing at a moment where you'll recognize an angst so true to life and so criminally absent from most movies about the journey toward self-love.
4. FRANCES HA Months and months after my first encounter with it, this deceptively simple film sticks in my head, reminding me that its every artful beat is riddled with emotional weight and ironic humor alike. Greta Gerwig and director Noah Baumbach give us the a New York movie to rival Annie Hall, zooming in and out of the perspective of the young women and men who occupy, and drown within, today's version of the biggest, most stupefying city in the world.
3. INSIDE LLEWYN DAVISSadness, coldness, loneliness, failure... such wonderful things when handled by filmmakers like the Coen Brothers. Padding this antithesis of triumph with some of the most beautiful, somber music you'll hear all year, Inside Llewyn Davis makes us fall in love all over again with the very idea of the artistic struggle.
Touchstone Pictures via Everett Collection
2. THE WIND RISESHayao Miyazaki's final movie doesn't pass judgment on its hero, a man so devoted to his work (building weapons) that he neglects his wife, sister, and friends. It doesn't endorse these choices either. Instead, it hones in on the passions of its hero/antihero, challenging us to sympathize with a fellow whose only desire is to do his job while we lament his sacrifices. More even than Gravity does the frequently airborne animated picture induce dizzy spells as we connect with the conglomerate of colorful, intriguing characters in this grim but dainty biography.
Cinedigm via Everett Collection
1. SHORT TERM 12 There are so few flaws to highlight in The Wind Rises, Inside Llewyn Davis, Frances Ha, and the other entries on this top 10 list. What separates Short Term 12 is not a complete lack of error, but in an umatched spirit for the telling of its story. The movie wants us to feel the pains of counselor Grace (Brie Larson) and the disavantaged children for whom she cares, highlighting abused Jayden (Kaitlyn Dever) and orphan Marcus (Keith Stanfield). It also wants us to feel the hope that it brings to these characters in their plight to overcome the hands they have been dealt. Every emotion in this movie carries through with such force. For those of us who know any of these trials personally, they ring tremendously true. For others, they work to invite you into this sad but hopeful world. We've been gifted with a ton of exemplary cinematic works this year, but nothing sticks with me more than this tearful, heartrending masterpiece.
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The Cannes Film Festival lineup was announced Thursday morning in Paris with a relatively un-starry group of titles making up the as-yet incomplete competition slate.
Among the highest-profile films out of competition are Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood, which will see Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett swathe up the red carpet on May 12, and Oliver Stone’s Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.
Michael Douglas, Shia LaBeouf (who first came to Cannes a couple of years ago for the fourth Indiana Jones) and Carey Mulligan are also thus likely to put in an appearance on the Croisette.
Doug Liman’s CIA/political thriller Fair Game will bring Sean Penn and Naomi Watts to the Riviera while Woody Allen’s You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is set to screen out of competition. Watts also stars in that film as do Anthony Hopkins, Josh Brolin (also in Wall Street), Antonio Banderas and Freida Pinto.
The 16 films in competition will be augmented in coming days as festival director Thierry Fremaux intends to add extra titles. For the moment, fanboys will be happy to see Takeshi Kitano return to competition with Outrage while art-house lovers have Mike Leigh (Another Year), Nikita Mikhalkov (Burnt By the Sun 2) and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Biutiful) to ponder. A full lineup of films across the main competition, special screenings and Un Certain Regard sections can be found here.
On the jury side of things, Tim Burton will be joined by such luminaries as Kate Beckinsale and Benicio Del Toro.
The jury, however, is still out as to whether Brad Pitt will once again grace the red carpet as it has yet to be determined if a film he’s starring in, Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, will be ready in time for the festival.
For more Cannes coverage, click here.
A throng of celebrities will participate in the upcoming 16-part public TV show Freedom: A History of Us, which will air in January. The series will feature Julia Roberts, Anthony Hopkins, Angela Bassett, Reese Witherspoon, Billy Crystal and Robin Williams reading from personal historical accounts, Variety reports. The series is based on the controversial textbooks written by amateur historian Joy Hakim in the 1990s. President Bush and first lady Laura Bush will give the show an on-air introduction.
'N Sync band member Lance Bass has received informal word from the Russian space agency that he has qualified as physically fit to fly aboard a rocket flight to the International Space Station, Reuters reports. Bass, 23, is expected to start flight training on Monday at the cosmonaut center in Russia's Star City.
Sylvester Stallone's wife, Jennifer Flavin Stallone, has given birth to their third child, The Associated Press reports. Scarlet Rose was born Saturday at a Los Angeles hospital, weighing 7 pounds, 8 ounces. The couple already has two daughters, Sophia, 5, and Sistine, 3.
Longtime Hollywood couple Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins may perform in an Irish production of a play based on the Sept. 11 attacks. According to Reuters, the couple has agreed in principle to appear in The Guys at Dublin's Peacock Theatre in late August. The play is based on the experiences of Anne Nelson, a professor at Columbia University's journalism school.
Elton John has resigned as chairman of Watford, a British soccer team, after a 25-year association with the club, Reuters reports. John said in a statement on the club's Web site, "With the huge changes taking place in [soccer], it is obviously necessary for the board to be led by a chairman who will be able to devote more time to the club than I have been able to." Watford finished in 14th place last season.
Former Law & Order star Angie Harmon has been cast as a trainer of teen spies in MGM's upcoming kids movie Agent Cody Banks slated for release next summer, Variety reports. The film will also star Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz and Hilary Duff of Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire.
In the Biz
British director Jonathan Glazer, who helmed Sexy Beast, has signed on to shoot the remake of the Japanese film Chaos for Universal Pictures, Variety reports. The film centers on a grifter drafted to stage the kidnapping of a wealthy businessman's wife. Robert De Niro and Benicio Del Toro are in talks to star in the project.
A half-hour reality series based on Anna Nicole Smith will premiere on E! in August. According to The Hollywood Reporter, The Anna Nicole Smith Show will take a glimpse into Smith's daily life and include her 16-year-old son, Daniel, her lawyer Howard K. Stern and assistant Kim.
The FX cable channel and Artisan Television are developing a two-hour TV movie based on American Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh. According to Variety, the film, tentatively titled American Taliban, will attempt to explain what motivated Lindh to fight for the Afghan extremists. If the project gets greenlighted, it wouldn't bow until 2003 at the earliest.
It looks like Sharon Osbourne will host the VH1 broadcast of Queen Elizabeth's Golden Jubilee concert on June 3. The all-star performance will feature Sharon's husband, Ozzy Osbourne, plus Eric Clapton, Phil Collins, Aretha Franklin and Paul McCartney. VH1 will air highlights of the concert, which will take place in the garden of Buckingham Palace in London, on June 9.
Rocker David Bowie may be embarking on a world tour in the near future, but not this year. In a journal posted on his official Web site, Bowie said he is often asked about doing a full-blown world tour and commented, "I have a real need to keep writing this year, and I always go with my gut feeling for what is right. Next couple of years, though? Who knows?"
Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was sued for breach of contract by former business associate Tim Duffy in Los Angeles Superior Court on Friday, LAUNCH music reports. Duffy claims that, last summer, Ulrich forced him from his role as managing member of The Music Company, a now-defunct boutique label the two formed in 1996.
Mildred Wirt Benson, the original author of the Nancy Drew mystery series, died Tuesday at the Toledo Hospital in Ohio. She was 96. Benson wrote countless books and stories but is best known for creating Nancy Drew, a series that sold more than 200 million books in 17 languages and spawned a TV series. She wrote 23 of the 30 original stories using the pen name Carolyn Keene.
As the countdown to the season premiere of "Nash Bridges" continues, TV is pretty much just phoning it in until the start of the new fall season. How bad is it? Well, A&E’s venerable "Biography" series is running a full week of shows dedicated to Adam West and the actors who played villains on "Batman" in the 1960s. Oh, and there’s also a weeklong, four-hours-per-night "The Facts of Life" endurance test on Nick at Nite. Let us be the first to say finally!
Hey, remember this? "Do not attempt to adjust your television set! We control the vertical!" One guess. OK, that’s it …
Prepare to regain control of your TV’s "vertical hold!" The second coming of a classic science-fiction anthology series makes its second going as the final episode of "The Outer Limits" airs Sunday at 8 p.m. EDT on Showtime and finally releases control of your television set. The original series first took control of our collective vertical holds back in 1963, which makes us wonder: Do TVs even have vertical hold anymore? And if so, what’s going to happen to my set when there is no one to control it? The Showtime version of "Limits" has always been high on star power from actors and directors who were fans of the original. And tonight’s finale is loaded with big names including … hold on to your "vertical hold" … Charlton Heston! Yes!
ABC’s "Monday Night Football" starts up in earnest this week as the reigning Super Bowl champions St. Louis Rams take on the Denver Broncos in the season opener. You’d better keep a dictionary and maybe a good book on world history next to the beer and pretzels because Dennis Miller really is going to do color commentary. The Broncos should be back in the playoff picture this year if running back Terrell Davis’ surgically repaired knee holds together. Or as Miller might say, "Hey, I haven’t heard of a comeback like that since William of Orange overthrew King Jimmy the Second of England in the Bloodless Revolution! Right, Al?" Um … go Broncos?
Tuesday is Four Star Movie Night this week. First, big time movie star and heavily armed activist Charlton Heston gets his second mention this week, as he once again takes up the chariot reins in the 1959 Best Picture Oscar winner "Ben-Hur" (8 p.m. EDT on TCM). Heston also took home the Best Actor Oscar for this one. Or if you prefer something with a little more talkin’ and a little less butt-kickin,’ how about Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson, who won the Best Actress Oscar for this role, starring in 1992’s multi-Oscar winning adaptation of E.M. Forster’s "Howard’s End" (8 p.m. EDT on Bravo)?
HBO will be rerunning its graphic and powerful 2000 miniseries "The Corner" in six parts starting Wednesday at 11 p.m. EDT. Director Charles S. Dutton ("Roc," "Alien 3" as actor) received an Emmy nomination for this look at one year in a Baltimore neighborhood infested with drugs, addictions and the lifestyles they breed.
The "MTV Video Music Awards 2000" will be live from Radio City Music Hall on Thursday at 8 p.m. EDT. MTV usually has the best award shows because, at the bare minimum, if it’s not entertaining, at least it’s going to be fast-paced. Also, Billy Crystal and Robin Williams will not be there. This year’s hosts are the latest in a seemingly endless stream of Wayans brothers, Shawn and Marlon. This year’s list of "controversial" performers will include Eminem (controversial lyrics), Britney Spears (controversial anatomy), Rage Against the Machine (controversial politics) and Janet Jackson (controversial brother).