As Indiana Jones would say, “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.” Well, that’s true and all, but today it’s not the mileage that’s got me grabbing my own face like an Edward Munch painting.
Harrison Ford is one of those older, distinguished actors who’s accomplished so much badassery in his career that he can be a pot-smoking guy who films jaunty romantic comedies, sports a silver hoop earring, and put a ring on Calista Flockhart and yet still retains the monikers of his greatest characters instead of becoming just some weird old actor. So imagine my surprise — nay irrational shock — when the irrefutable science that is mathematics revealed that because Harrison Ford was born July 13, 1942, he is in fact 70 entire years old. (It looked something like that time parents told me we weren’t getting a puppy mixed with the realization that my entire reality has just been shattered.) But as a devoted fan of Jack Ryan (Ford edition), Han Solo, and of course Indiana Jones, I’m putting my foot down. Harrison Ford is not 70. He’s just not. Math be damned. I simply reject the notion that one of my favorite actors/heartthrobs (my girl, Liz Lemon, knows what I’m talking about) is 2.8 times my age. It’s not real and it doesn’t exist.
Nope. Ford ceased to age the day he finished filming Air Force One in 1997. He was 55 and he was still aggressively grumbly enough to tell Gary Oldman “Get off my plane” and shove him out of a 747. He was still alluring in a distinguished veteran of war, presidential sort of way. Just a few years before that, he played the bespectacled Linus Larrabee to Julia Ormond’s beguiling Sabrina, and though it didn’t match the pitch-perfect level of the original Audrey Hepburn film, Ford was still worth swooning over.
But even with the gentlemanly roles of his 50s, Ford will never, ever, ever not be known as his two greatest characters of all time: Han Solo and Indiana Jones. His two scrappy, daring rogues are the epitome of manliness. Han and Indiana were brave, but not too brave. (I hate snakes too, Indy.) They were romantic, but not mushy. (The Leia and Han “I love you”/ “I know” dynamic is still on my wish list, even if Liz Lemon stole it with her Hulk hands.) They were stupidly, bravely reckless, and obnoxiously, charmingly lucky. (If you need examples, you’ve clearly never seen a Star Wars movie or a single minute of an Indiana Jones film and if that’s the case, you’ve got bigger problems, my friend.) And then there’s the way in which both characters wear (yes, wear – I’m happily living the past) scars, scuffs, and a little 5 o’clock shadow in such a disarming, nonchalant manner. (Swoon.)
No matter who he grows into as his (nonexistent) age continues to rise, Ford will forever be a hybrid of Indy and Han in my mind, and I’m assuming most of his fanbase’s minds as well. There was no fourth Indiana Jones movie. Shia LaBeouf does not get to refer to our hero affectionately as “Harrison.” That hoop earring is just a bit of glare (in every photo of him for the past seven years).
And he is definitely not 70 years old.
Happily, Indefinitely in Denial
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler.
Harrison Ford Faces Off With Chewbacca on Jimmy Kimmel Live
Jane Lynch Shares Some Advice From Harrison Ford
Harrison Ford is 70
Theatrics slapstick and cheer are cinematic qualities you rarely find outside the realm of animation. Disney perfected it with their pantheon of cartoon classics mixing music humor spectacle and light-hearted drama that swept up children while still capturing the imaginations and hearts of their parents. But these days even reinterpretations of fairy tales get the gritty make-over leaving little room for silliness and unfiltered glee. Emerging through that dark cloud is Mirror Mirror a film that achieves every bit of imagination crafted by its two-dimensional predecessors and then some. Under the eye of master visualist Tarsem Singh (The Fall Immortals) Mirror Mirror's heightened realism imbues it with the power to pull off anything — and the movie never skimps on the anything.
Like its animated counterparts Mirror Mirror stays faithful to its source material but twists it just enough to feel unique. When Snow White (Lily Collins) was a little girl her father the King ventured into a nearby dark forest to do battle with an evil creature and was never seen or heard from again. The kingdom was inherited by The Queen (Julia Roberts) Snow's evil stepmother and the fair-skinned beauty lived locked up in the castle until her 18th birthday. Grown up and tired of her wicked parental substitute White sneaks out of the castle to the village for the first time. There she witnesses the economic horrors The Queen has imposed upon the people of her land all to fuel her expensive beautification. Along the way Snow also meets Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer) who is suffering from his own money troubles — mainly being robbed by a band of stilt-wearing dwarves. When the Queen catches wind of the secret excursion she casts Snow out of the castle to be murdered by her assistant Brighton (Nathan Lane).
Fairy tales take flack for rejecting the idea of women being capable but even with its flighty presentation and dedication to the old school Disney method Mirror Mirror empowers its Snow White in a genuine way thanks to Collins' snappy charming performance. After being set free by Brighton Snow crosses paths with the thieving dwarves and quickly takes a role on their pilfering team (which she helps turn in to a Robin Hooding business). Tarsem wisely mines a spectrum of personalities out of the seven dwarves instead of simply playing them for one note comedy. Sure there's plenty of slapstick and pun humor (purposefully and wonderfully corny) but each member of the septet stands out as a warm compassionate companion to Snow even in the fantasy world.
Mirror Mirror is richly designed and executed in true Tarsem-fashion with breathtaking costumes (everything from ball gowns to the dwarf expando-stilts to ridiculous pirate ship hats with working canons) whimsical sets and a pitch-perfect score by Disney-mainstay Alan Menken. The world is a storybook and even its monsters look like illustrations rather than photo-real creations. But what makes it all click is the actors. Collins holds her own against the legendary Julia Roberts who relishes in the fun she's having playing someone despicable. She delivers every word with playful bite and her rapport with Lane is off-the-wall fun. Armie Hammer riffs on his own Prince Charming physique as Alcott. The only real misgiving of the film is the undercooked relationship between him and Snow. We know they'll get together but the journey's half the fun and Mirror Mirror serves that portion undercooked.
Children will swoon for Mirror Mirror but there's plenty here for adults — dialogue peppered with sharp wisecracks and a visual style ripped from an elegant tapestry. The movie wears its heart on its sleeve and rarely do we get a picture where both the heart and the sleeve feel truly magical.
Last year director Garry Marshall hit upon a devilishly canny approach to the romantic comedy. A more polished refinement of Hal Needham’s experimental Cannonball Run method it called for assembling a gaggle of famous faces from across the demographic spectrum and pairing them with a shallow day-in-the-life narrative packed with gobs of gooey sentiment. A cynical strategy to be sure but one that paid handsome dividends: Valentine’s Day earned over $56 million in its opening weekend surpassing even the rosiest of forecasts. Buoyed by the success Marshall and his screenwriter Katherine Fugate hastily retreated to the bowels of Hades to apply their lucrative formula to another holiday historically steeped in romantic significance and New Year’s Eve was born.
Set in Manhattan on the last day of the year New Year’s Eve crams together a dozen or so canned scenarios into one bloated barely coherent mass of cliches. As before Marshall’s recruited an impressive ensemble of minions to do his unholy bidding including Oscar winners Hilary Swank Halle Berry and Robert De Niro the latter luxuriating in a role that didn’t require him to get out of bed. High School Musical’s Zac Efron is paired up with ‘80s icon Michelle Pfeiffer – giving teenage girls and their fathers something to bond over – while Glee’s Lea Michele meets cute with a pajama-clad Ashton Kutcher. There’s Katherine Heigl in a familiar jilted-fiance role Sarah Jessica Parker as a fretful single mom and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges as the most laid-back cop in New York. Sofia Vergara and Hector Elizondo mine for cheap laughs with thick accents – his fake and hers real – and Jessica Biel and Josh Duhamel deftly mix beauty with blandness. Fans of awful music will delight in the sounds of Jon Bon Jovi straining against type to play a relevant pop musician.
The task of interweaving the various storylines is too great for Marshall and New Year’s Eve bears the distinct scent and stain of an editing-room bloodbath with plot holes so gaping that not even the brightest of celebrity smiles can obscure them. But that’s not the point – it never was. You should know better than to expect logic from a film that portrays 24-year-old Efron and 46-year-old Parker as brother-and-sister without bothering to explain how such an apparent scientific miracle might have come to pass. Marshall wagers that by the time the ball drops and the film’s last melodramatic sequence has ended prior transgressions will be absolved and moviegoers will be content to bask in New Year's Eve's artificial glow. The gambit worked for Valentine's Day; this time he may not be so fortunate.
After garnering widespread praise (and an Oscar nomination for screenwriting) for his 2000 directorial debut You Can Count on Me Kenneth Lonergan was in-demand. In September 2005 the writer/director began production on a follow-up feature: Margaret which touted Anna Paquin Matt Damon Mark Ruffalo Matthew Broderick Allison Janney as well as legendary filmmakers Sydney Pollack and Anthony Minghella (The English Patient) as producers. The movie wrapped production in a few months time. The buzz was already growing.
Now six years later the movie is finally hitting theaters. So…what took so long?
The journey to this point hasn't been an easy one and it shows. If a film's shot footage is a block of granite and the editing process is the careful carving that turns it into a statuesque work of art Margaret feels like it was attacked by a blind man with a jackhammer. The film is a cinematic disaster a mishmash of shallow characters overwrought politics and sporadic tones. The story follows Lisa Coen (Paquin) a New York teenager who finds herself drowning in chaos after distracting a bus driver (Ruffalo) causing him to hit and kill a pedestrian (Janney). Initially Lisa tells the police it was all an accident but as time passes regret takes hold and the girl embarks on a mission to take down the man she now regards as a culprit. That's just the tip of the iceberg–along the way Lisa deals with everyday teen stuff: falling for her geometry teacher (Damon) combating her anxiety-ridden actress mother losing her virginity dabbling in drugs debating 9/11 and the Iraq War cultivating a relationship with her father in LA and more. There are about eight seasons of television stuffed into Margaret but even a two and a half hour run time can't make it all click.
For more on Margaret check out Indie Seen: Margaret the Long Lost Anna Paquin/Matt Damon Movie
The police videotape shot during Diana Ross' Dec. 30 arrest will be released for public record, The Associated Press reports. A judge on Tuesday ordered the release of the tape, which shows Ross being arrested for driving under the influence in front of a video store in Tucson, Arizona. The tape, however, will not include audio. According to AP, the singer's attorney, Leon Silver, and city prosecutor Beverly Ginn agreed to the conditions of the release under the state's open records act that requires public records to be available, excluding private, confidential information. Ginn told AP the tape would be ready after editing by Friday at the earliest.
Seems Sabrina the Teenage Witch has put a spell on rocker Mark Wilkerson of the band Course of Nature. AP reports Melissa Joan Hart, 26, and Wilkerson, 25, got engaged the day after Christmas, but no date for the nuptials has been set. The couple met last year at one of the band's concerts.
More spells cast? Buffy the Vampire Slayer star Alyson Hannigan and Angel evildoer Alexis Denisof (who plays that show's Wesley Wyndham-Pryce) are also tying the proverbial knot. Denisof, 36, popped the question to Hannigan, 28, over the holidays. It's the first marriage for both.
On the opposite side of the marriage coin...Pamela Anderson and ex-husband Tommy Lee have ended their bitter custody battle over their two young sons, Anderson's lawyer, Suzanne Harris, told AP Tuesday. The couple signed an agreement and submitted it to the court. "(The filing) contains everything you could possibly think of about how to raise the children and where they will live," Harris said. Anderson now has the option of relocating the boys to Michigan, home state of her fiancé, Kid Rock.
Writer/producer Paul Monash, known for producing movie hits such as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Carrie and writing TV fare such as Peyton Place and The Untouchables, died Tuesday in his Los Angeles home after a brief illness. He was 86.
Variety reports Heidi Fleiss, once known as the "Hollywood Madam," is turning her life story into a feature film for Paramount Pictures and as a potential vehicle for Nicole Kidman. Called Pay the Girl, Fleiss told Variety the story "should be like Pretty Woman, but with the visual energy and excess of Scarface." She added, "All of the madam movies have been like B-level porn or they've been boring. The world I was living in was not boring." Oh, we can't wait for this one.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Looks like the newest reality show being pitched to the major networks is one in which a regular guy is put through intensive training so he can get into the ring with ear-bitin', knockout-punchin' Mike Tyson. According to The Hollywood Reporter, producer Stu Schreiberg is in negotiations with Tyson's representatives. Yikes.
The grass-roots organization Center for Rural Strategies launched a second set of ads against CBS' plans to do a reality show based around the '60s sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies. CRS president Dee Davis said in a statement, "We believe that Americans should get an honest portrayal of rural life and not just stereotypical characters." Fox News reports CBS appears to be backing away from the show, with no family selected or airdate set.
Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, Avril Lavigne and Pink are among the nominees for the UK's version of the Grammys, the Brit Awards. The awards will be handed out Feb. 20.
The wait is over for the millions of Harry Potter fans. Publishers Scholastic of the U.S. and Bloomsbury of Britain announced the fifth Potter installment, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, will finally hit bookstores June 21. The book will be the longest about the boy wizard thus far, with 38 chapters and 255,000 words.