This is it, people: after ten countries, more than 30,000 miles, and countless eyebrow raises from the host with the most magnificent brows in the biz, Phil Keoghan, one pair of globe-trekking reality show contestants took home the million dollar prize on The Amazing Race Season 22.
So, was it hockey-playing brothers Bates and Anthony? Newlyweds Max and Katie? How about roller derby moms Mona and Beth, or country singer blondes Caroline and Jen? In the end, Bates and Anthony pulled through for the win. But here's how they got there:
All four teams left Scotland and headed to Northern Ireland for the second-to-last leg of their race. Soon, they'd come into a million dollars just like they always dreamed! With good old fashioned hard work — snorkeling in murky bog water, running up and down stairs with lukewarm food, and spray painting graffiti at a skate park.
Aside from completely skipping over the first course on the menu, the thing about the food-serving detour that tripped up all the teams was the fact that none of them knew what color chartreuse was. Soon you'll be telling me that most people don't quote That Thing You Do! on a regular basis. Come on! Unfortunately, the blondes wasted too much time getting lost before they even made it to their spray-painting detour that they didn't make it to the return-to-America final leg.
Max and Katie beat out Bates and Anthony for first place, but the three teams made it on the same flight back to the States. Once in Washington, DC they took part in some delightful espionage-themed challenges, including exchanging briefcases with men in suits and aviators and a ridiculous code phrase.
But first, the derby moms totally sabotaged themselves by assuming 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. would be close enough to 1100, which is pretty insane even in a normal town but especially so in a big city — and one with crazy-tight security in front of the former address, too. Between that blunder and the fact that they didn't even realize that they should probably read the menu at the Titanic detour instead of just the seating chart, it's clear they were outclassed. There's no way they could've ever won this thing.
Bates and Anthony proved they are more than just athletes and not only made it to the final, knowledge-based challenge first, but also handily completed it before Max and Katie even got there. Barring the most horrific traffic jam in the world, there's no way they were going to lose — and they didn't.
While Katie and Max were formidable competitors (and Katie was the brains of the operation), Bates and Anthony made it to the finish line on George Washington's estate to take home the $1 million prize.
Did the best team win? Who did you think would come in first?
More:'The Amazing Race' Recap: Scotland Blows (Bagpipes)'The Amazing Race' Recap: Berlinsanity'The Amazing Race' Recap: One Swiss Mistake
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Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe having to cancel a date of my own has made me a wee bit jaded when it comes to potential romantical pursuits. Maybe it's just because after having watched that episode, I realized I will have to recap The Bachelor not once, but twice next week that has me a little mentally exhausted already. Whatever the case, this week's episode of The Bachelor was one big facepalm. Get it together, Sean Lowe.
Nevertheless, here we are: voyeuristically tuning into the courtship quest of our Ken Doll, personified, and his coterie of contessas. And once again, Tierra the Tierrable has taken over as the show's central hurricane of crazy. As a viewer and a recapper, I like to think that maybe there's a redeemable quality or two within the villains of reality television, but Tierra is turning out to be just as unsympathetic as The Bachelor's former hate-target, Courtney Robertson. Tonight it became clear that homegirl is certifiably narcissistic and nutters, and there's no turning back now. You give girls a bad name, yo.
But first! Let's get to the dates. Selma gets the first date! She's completely misguided, because homegirl thinks she's going to be treated like a princess in a castle but WAIT! She's not going to be the princess in the castle. She's going to be the princess of Joshua Tree — a beautiful desert park in California. But Selma wasn't happy: "And then he took the Iraqi to the desert. I don't do well in heat. At all." Poor Selma, she was all ready to put on a fancy dress, wear a crow, scream "off with their heads!" and eat cake while people starved, but instead she has to endure the worst date, ever. I'm sorry, do you like sweating and exercising on a first date where the word "exercise" isn't a euphemism for sex? Of course not! Because you're a normal human. I'm all for going on hikes and being outdoorsy (although every future boyfriend should know that I am not a happy camper. No camping, not ever. You're welcome, all my future boyfriends who are totally reading this recap, obviously), but do not make me flail about on a rock while being held from a deathfall by a rope. No one is trying to have chapped inner thighs going into date numero uno.
The date was not a total loss, because we learned just how clueless Sean actually is: "Selma loves everything about this date." Oh, yea? Does she, Sean? Now I see why he thinks Tierra is here for the "right reasons" (which is my new least-favorite reality television phrase, ever). Sean is the world's most clueless human. There are f**king wolves howling at the moon, Selma's anxiously barking, "Oh my god, where are you taking me?" And yet somehow, Sean thinks that Selma is ba-da-ba-ba-ba, she's lovin' it. She's not.
But the duo move to a more romantic spot (fire!), and open up about their personal lives. Sean about his last serious relationship, and Selma about her family's conservative personal values. The two seem desperate to kiss, but Selma (who is from Baghdad) has a perfect image to uphold and a mother to appease. So instead of kissing (which he totally respects), Sean decides to thrust a rose in her face, caressing the sides of her...forehead? And maybe eyeballs? Yes, Sean creepily swats Selma's face with a rose to show his affections. You guys, romance is still real, and alive and well! Selma gets the rose, and the two passionately hold hands for the rest of the evening. Under a blanket (which means she's totally probably giving him a quick handie. Just kidding!)
Next up is the group date! And, of course, the beginning of The Tierra Show. It's time for Sean to "step up" because she "don't need no chaperone," y'all. She's a big girl! She doesn't want a group date! She wants the golden goose, daddy! And she wants it NOW! Sorry Tierrable, you're going on the group date. Suck on my roller skate, Tierrable, because you're going to the roller derby! Poor Amanda was devastated that they weren't actually getting into giant hamster balls and rolling down hills, which was her first and most logical thought.
As would be expected, this date is a total colossal disaster. Why? Because, um, hello? Have you ever tried roller skating? Roller skating is hard! Rollerblading is one thing, but skates are an entirely different beast — and way harder to control. Couple that with having to learn to derby (one of the most aggressive and terrifying sports, ever)? Yeah. No wonder poor Amanda ate it. Everyone learning how to roller skate looks like a drunk octopus on wheels. It's not cute.
Tierrable is losing her s**t, but because she's a totally rational adult female, she's not going to let the other girls stop her because she's a survivor! Even if that plague is of the I-can't-believe-she-survived-it "bad energy" kind. Naturally, survive she does not, because she's gone 15 minutes without Sean putting all of his attention on her, so she threatens to leave, declaring "I can't be tortured like this!" Tierrable is in the reality television version of Guantanamo, you guys. GOSH SHE IS SUCH AN INSPIRATION, HOW DOES SHE DO IT?
...Probably by being a general garbage monster. Tierrable was apparently quite good at roller derby and the girls took the moment to actually pay her a compliment (probably attempting to make things less tense between everyone) by saying "oh, you should get into it!" But Tierrable knows that this is all a trick. She knows that these women are just saying this to her because they're trying to torture her with their "compliments" and "words." So she bluntly pouts, "no," nearly cutting the girls off before they finish the damn statement. Apparently she's mad because Tierrable doesn't want a sympathy rose, she only wants to spend every waking (and sleeping) second sucking all of the life with Sean.
But first, Tierrable needs to wade the waters of injustice. Because, like ugh Robyn totally acted like she wasn't there [at the roller derby date], and Tierrable is SO mad. She is convinced that Robyn didn't say her name when asking about Amanda's injury because Robyn was trying to get a rise out of her. Because the entire universe revolves around Tierrable. (Can someone put me on the universe's mailing list because I've been missing out on memos like this for years now and it's just so hard to keep track!) "Really, are you in high school?" the hilariously oblivious and hypocritical Tierrable says. She's not bitter though, she's better! She also might be psychopathic with her levels of narcissism, but I'm no doctor so please make sure to ask Dr. Drew or something for a highly qualified and professional diagnosis. But see, Tierrable may be questionably certifiable, but she's not going to let anyone stop her from getting what she wants. And what she wants is Sean. All Sean, all the time. Only by Sean, I think she means "to win." Unfortunately, the other women's inability to understand how ~magical~ her relationship with Sean is, is BREAKING HER DOWN INSIDE and it's NOT FAIR. She can't be tortured like this you guys!!!! Why can't Tierrable just be free to be a total stand-offish jerk to the rest of the women and not have anyone question her about it?
So, in order to get what she wants, she hides all Gollum-style in a dark corner before nabbing Her Precious away from his hot tub time with Amanda. Sean, in all of his doofus-like glory, feels like Tierrable is just misunderstood and needs extra attention because she's such an ~emotional free spirit~ who feels a lot. So he goes up to grab the date rose and the girls are P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F, y'all. Sean thinks that Tierrable has a lot of self-doubt but he somehow really likes her. He's crazy about her, apparently! Sean needs Tierrable to stay because he'll forever wonder what could have been.
Contrary to Tierrable, Amanda openly admits to milking the sympathy card for a rose. "This didn't happen for nothin'," she states. She overblows her pain with Sean, hoping to probably get a rose rather than the kiss on the cheek she got. Oh Amanda, a kiss on the cheek? Might as well be the kiss of death. Someone is totally going home.
For the final one-on-one date, Leslie H gets the Pretty Woman treatment. "Hot car, hot earrings, hot guy!" she squeals. The two get their Rodeo Drive on Pretty Woman. Driving around LA, heading to Badgley Mischka and Neil Lane for a quick bit of integrated marketing so that ABC can get some ad sales dollars. Apparently it's "every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive," because every girl that Sean Lowe knows is a horrible stereotype and only have three likes: chocolate, shopping, and boyz. So glad that they're proving money can't buy you love and that women are more than just materialistic money pits. "And I am a tan Julia Roberts!"
Neil Lane lets her borrow (OBVIOUSLY BORROW this chick isn't actually Julia Roberts) a necklace with 120 carats of diamonds on it in an art deco pattern. "Sean's made me feel more like a woman than anybody else." Ever ever ever ever ever etc ever ever. Because being a woman = expensive things!
Only Sean isn't feeling it. The two go on a date that felt more like an interview. But maybe that's just because their date is taking place in the same location as the final scene of 500 Days of Summer. They talk about past relationships and how Leslie is always the lady her exes date before they get married to their next girlfriend. So of course this is the perfect time for Sean to do the same! He's not feelin' Leslie H, so she's sent packing. Before she goes, though, Leslie tells Sean to be wary of some of the girls that "already have roses" before she scoots off in the car. Gee, wonder who she's talking about! Don't worry, Leslie, you'll find love if you want it, don't worry. A lonely Ben Taylor serenades an empty room while simultaneously sounding exactly like his father (you know, James Taylor? Yeah, that guy). Sean wanders around the empty space, ocassionally stopping to lean pensively or sulk while a voiceover explains his woe.
So now it's time for the pre-cocktail dramafest. AshLee remains confident and cool in her relationship with Sean. Robyn does a terrible chocolate joke and is overwhelmed by their make out sesh right before being pulled aside by Tierrable. Alongside Jackie, Tierrable explains that she's never done anything intentionally to hurt these two gals — which I don't think people thought she did? They just think you're an awful human, Tierrable. Because you're sort of presenting yourself that way! — she just wants them to stop reading into what she's doing or how she's acting. Which, to be fair, is really, really, really sound advice for these nutter butters. And the, shockingly, Tierrable apologizes! Only it's "definitely fake, definitely forced." "But if I have to be this way," Tierrable explains, "I will." Oh! Right! And no one is smart enough to tell that's exactly what you're doing, Tierrable. Not at all! You're just so much smarter than them and no one can ever tell when you're thumbing your nose as them! Tierrable is the worst.
Lucky for her, though, Sean is a total moron, and promised Tierrable that the other girls' opinions on her won't affect him. He doesn't think her necessity for validation is a weird or bad thing. But that's because Sean is like every other dude who doesn't read the signals and then is shocked when they realize that the crazy women they fall for, are crazy. To be fair, women do this, too (we're all so crazy and blinded by crazy when we want to put our genitals together! Ugh). But jeez, the dudes on this show have an especially egregious track record with this stuff.
But let's talk about someone we actually like! Hello, Catherine! Where have you been this whole season? I mean, I know she's been around, but there was something sort of sweet and special about her interactions with Sean tonight. She brought him a kiss on a card which is totally cheesy, but the chemistry between these two is immediately heightened. They're so comfortable together and don't waste time, so they sneak away to have a kiss. She calls it "perfect." There's something about Catherine that actually feels…normal? We approve, Sean. We like this one. Put her on our faves list ans save her from elimination, please. Which, speaking of: it's time!
So, Who's Going Home?
AmandaLeslie H. (already sent home)
Next week it's a two-day Bachelor clusterf**k event that apparently can't be missed! Two episodes in two nights?! Double the romance, triple the pain! Will your brain be able to handle it?! Do you think Tierra is as bad as she seems? Tune in next week to find out, and sound off about the show in the comments!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
'The Bachelor' Recap: S**t Shaken, Not Stirred, Feelin' Tierrable
'The Bachelor' Recap: Hunk and His Punks
'The Bachelor' Recap: Every Rose is 50 Shades of Nuts
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TV stunt man Bam Margera's uncle Don Vito has been told he must check in with a Colorado court twice a week and stay away from kids as he awaits a sexual assault hearing.
The chubby prankster, real name Vincent Margera, is charged with two counts of sexual assault on a child and faces trial at the end of October.
A Colorado judge ruled yesterday that Margera could leave the state and return home to Pennsylvania--as long as he adhered to conditions set by his bail.
Margera, a regular on his nephew's wacky Viva La Bam TV show, posted $50,000 bail and must be supervised during his release, during which he needs to check in with pretrial services officers twice a week.
He is not allowed to have any contact with children younger than 18, cannot consume any drugs or alcohol and will be subject to random urine tests.
Margera, 50, was arrested earlier this month after allegedly inappropriately fondling two underage girls during two separate incidents at a signing event at a skate park in Colorado.
He has hired attorney Pamela Mackey, who represented Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant in his 2004 sexual assault case in Colorado.
Article Copyright Entertainment News Network All Rights Reserved.
Britney is getting hitched…again
This time it's for real. Although it's been just six months since her quickie Las Vegas marriage--and just as quick annulment--to a childhood friend, pop princess Britney Spears is willing to again try her hand at the whole marriage thing, announcing she is engaged to her new boyfriend, dancer Kevin Federline. Spears' personal publicist and label, Jive Records confirmed the engagement to Reuters Friday but gave no further details. Federline, 26, reportedly met Spears, 22, during her 2000 tour, when he was in the opening act, but the two began dating only a few months ago. The dancer recently moved in with Spears to help her recuperate from knee surgery. According to Reuters, Federline also has a 2-year-old daughter by his ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson, who also is pregnant with their second child.
Broadway stays open, for now
Although contract talks between Broadway producers and the actors' union broke down over the weekend, the Actors' Equity Association said actors would keep performing on Monday, The Associated Press reports. "It's important for the city's economy and we're very, very aware that this is the tourist season and taking a strike is the last resort," Maria Somma, a spokeswoman for the Actors' Equity Association, told AP. She explained the producers abruptly left the table Sunday while an Equity representative was speaking, but Bob Chlopak, a spokesman for the League of American Theatres and Producers, said talks ended because progress had slowed to a near halt, AP reports. "There won't be a strike," Chlopak said. The two sides have been intensely negotiating since June 10, imposing a news blackout; the key points of contention include rising health care costs and non-union tours of Broadway shows.
Kutcher lends name to clothing company
Ashton Kutcher has signed on to endorse Zoo York, a skate-influenced collection of clothing and accessories, AP reports. "He engages everything with such sincerity that you can't help but know that you are seeing a true representation of who he is…no matter what his surroundings. This consistency is similar to the philosophy which drives Zoo York," Greg Lucci, the company's vice president, told AP. The actor will be featured in a new ad campaign premiering in magazines next month and in another set of ads for spring 2005.
Lange, Shepard put estate up for sale
Longtime couple Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard have decided to sell the estate where they've lived for nine years, AP reports. The 12-room Victorian mansion, which sits on a 2 1/2-acre site overlooking the St. Croix River in Stillwater, Minn., has been on the market since mid-May with an asking price of $3.3 million.
Unknown Soldier wins top prize at LA film fest
Writer/director Ferenc Toth won the top prize at the Los Angeles Film Festival Saturday for Unknown Soldier, about a Harlem youngster forced to live by his wits on the streets. Toth, a 35-year-old New Yorker who funded the project with help from an investment banker, will get the jury's $50,000 cash prize, the biggest bestowed by a major U.S. film festival, according to festival organizers. The $25,000 prize for documentary went to Jonathan Caouette's Tarnation, in which he revisits his family's troubled past. Joshua Marston's Maria Full of Grace, a Spanish-language drama about a Colombian teenager who becomes a drug mule, won the audience prize for narrative feature, while Mike Wranovics won the audience documentary prize for Up for Grabs, about the litigation over the ownership of the baseball hit by Barry Bonds when he made his record-breaking 73rd home run in 2001, Reuters reports.
Controversial documentary Celibacy to air on HBO
British filmmaker Antony Thomas' documentary Celibacy, which links the child sex abuse scandal that has rocked the U.S. Catholic Church to mandatory celibacy among its clergy, airs on tonight at 10 pm on HBO, as part of the cabler's America Undercover series. The film was shot in 10 countries and features disturbing images, including a roomful of skulls in a desert cave inhabited by early Christians and modern-day self-whippings and reenactments of crucifixion. It also includes interviews with current and former priests as well as historians, scientists and psychologists while examining the primal power of the sex drive and the social-sexual development of priests. A critic's review in the Catholic News Service accused the documentary of "trotting out the hoary chestnuts about the Church's thinking that sex is, at best, a necessary evil," Reuters reports.
Legendary host Bob Barker inducted into TV Hall of Fame
Bob Barker, who has hosted the TV game show The Price is Right since in first aired in 1972, has been inducted into the Academy of Television and Arts & Sciences Hall of Fame, the AP reports. Barker, 80, received the honor Saturday from action star Chuck Norris, his friend of 30 years. "They may in the future induct people who deserve it more than I, but they will never induct anyone who appreciates this honor more than I," Barker told KCAL-TV. Barker also hosted the TV game show Truth or Consequences from 1956 to 1974, first with NBC and later in syndication. Other inductees Saturday included Katie Couric and Dan Rather.
Jewel first artist to sign on to Instant Live roster
Clear Channel Entertainment's live CD recording division, Instant Live, has signed its first major-label artist--Jewel. Instant Live creates master stereo recordings of concert performances, burns them at the venue and delivers them on-site immediately following the show. Prices range from $10 for a recorded club performance to $20 to $25 for multi-CD "digipaks." Billboard.com reports the company also has pegged a series of dates to record and sell CDs on the summer tours of Kiss, Peter Frampton, the Allman Brothers Band and the Cowboy Junkies. Jewel, meanwhile, will sell live CDs at select dates on her summer tour.
Guylaine Cadorette contributed to this report.
A cross between Road Trip and the documentary Dogtown and Z- Boys Grind is a simple enough tale about a boy and his dream as impossible as it may seem. Eric (Mike Vogel) wants to be a professional skateboarder. He and his best friends Dustin (Adam Brody) a cautious fellow who just wants to go to college and Matt (Vince Vieluf) a slacker who likes things to be just a little bit on the wacky side are pretty darn good at performing fierce boarding tricks but have had little luck in getting noticed by the pros. When skating legend Jimmy Wilson's (Jason London) skate demo tour hits town the boys see their chance but are immediately shot down by the tour manager. Determined Eric forms his own skate team to follow Wilson's tour cross-country and convinces an extremely reluctant Dustin to use his college fund as their bankroll. They also recruit laid-back ladies man Sweet Lou (Joey Kern) to join their crew and provide the wheels as team "Super Duper" sets out on an outrageous road trip from Chi-town to Santa Monica. Along the way they hook up with sexy skater chick Jamie (Jennifer Morrison) grind the handrails across America and make the skateboarding world take notice whether it wants to or not.
Honestly there really isn't much acting required for Grind. The guys just have to make sure the audience believe there is some kind of camaraderie between them--without embarrassing themselves too badly--and they succeed for the most part. Vogel (TV's Grounded For Life) Brody (TV's O.C.) and Kern (upcoming Cabin Fever) all seem fairly green to the world of movies but manage to convey a true friendship among their characters. Vieluf (Rat Race) however zings off the screen. Without him the movie would sorely lack any hilarity--his favorite thing to say after letting some noxious gas pass is "Greetings from the interior." Though his antics get a tad tiresome at times he still leaves you laughing your head off. Then there are the numerous cameos that populate Grind. Dave Foley and Stephen Root (TV's News Radio) show up as a road manager and a fast food manager respectively. Bobcat Goldthwait (what the heck happened to this guy?) plays a rank motel clerk while Tom Green (what movie wouldn't be complete without him?) plays a stoned skateboard store owner. Even Randy Quaid shows up as Matt's dad who has turned into a traveling circus clown (don't ask).
The main reason to see this film is to watch cool skateboarding action--and producer and first-time director Casey La Scala certainly doesn't disappoint. The drawback is you have to wait until the end to see the really good stunts. In the final climactic scene Eric finally gets to show his moves and prove himself worthy when he is challenged in a skating duel against an obnoxious rival (Chad Fernandez) who has been dogging him all along the trip. It's wild and wooly stuff and with the pounding soundtrack it makes for a truly exhilarating MTV moment. Of course the rest of the film surely isn't going be considered classic in any way. Road Trip and others of its ilk have covered the same territory much better. But there's hope. Grind's got a decent cast some pretty funny moments hot babes great music and an extreme sport worthy of recognition. It's all about the grind dude.