Batman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero superfan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to kick off Hollywood.com’s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if a drunk Daredevil met a guilt-ridden Aquaman. Let the super battle begin!
Battle: Daredevil vs. Aquaman
In the Right Corner: Daredevil, who just mistook an old Four Loko in his fridge for Red Bull.
In the Left Corner: Aquaman, who has come down with a bout of mercury poisoning thanks to an ethical boundary-pushing night with Jeremy Piven.
Inside Daredevil’s Day: The blind superhero had had a rough morning. After a late start at work thanks to taking the subway one stop too far — since people can’t seem to understand that passengers have to go out before they can come in — he spent the first few hours of his day pouring over amicus briefs and blocking out Foggy’s unyielding enthusiasm for life. Sigh. Then he spent his afternoon being Rick Rolled by The Kingpin and ignoring calls from the defeated Bullseye, whose only form of torture is trying to guilt Daredevil into coming to his place to watch Alexander. Realizing he could get no work done in the office, Daredevil returned home — shutting his nose to avoid his super-senses from smelling that cologne-and-stale beer stench of Hell’s Kitchen — and reached in his refrigerator for a Red Bull. Half a can in, Daredevil’s world began spinning. It was only then he realized he had accidentally drank an old Four Loko. Damn Foggy’s pre-illegalization 2009 stockpiling!
Inside Aquaman’s Day: Perhaps Vulko was right — Aquaman has gone too Hollywood for his own good. After he finally — finally! — clinched a movie deal, Aquaman went on a three-day bender, hobnobbing with Tinsel Town elite. The first night, he found himself swigging shots of Patrone with Wilmer Valderrama, which only led to Aquaman telepathically summoning a clownfish from the restaurant’s fish tank to block a punch after claiming Valderrama had nothing on Tim Riggins. The second night, Aquaman spent hours in the VIP area of Smoke & Mirrors, rolling his eyes as Lindsay Lohan attempted to weasel her way in because hot mess b***h thinks she can hang out with Aquaman? (He knows who killed her career. High five, Russell Brand!) But then, last night, everything went downhill. Starting the evening with chill, pre-dinner drinks with Adrien Grenier — the actor lucky enough to be playing Aquaman in the upcoming adaptation — the duo ran into Jeremy Piven, who peer pressured the superhero into a dinner at Nobu. After Piven called Aquaman “a typical Johnny Drama” for balking at eating a tuna roll, the superhero — hoping to appease his super-famous new best friends — downed an entire restaurant’s worth of sushi. Aquaman woke up the next morning with discolored fingers and a burning sense of regret. How would Atlantis feel about him now? How could they celebrate the super-work of a cannibal? Aquaman got out of bed and swam as far away from the Boulevard of Broken Dreams as possible, to the East Coast, where St. Luke’s-Roosevelt diagnosed him with mercury poisoning. He should have chosen to hang out with Turtle. It just makes so much more aquatic sense.
The Battle: Leaving the hospital filled with guilt and saline solution, Aquaman happens upon Daredevil, stumbling to a food cart while carrying a bag of McDonalds. “Do do do do do! Lovin’ It!” he slurs, pulling out a small blue box and handing it to Aquaman. Filet-O-Fish. Is he calling me a cannibal? How does he know?! No one must know! Aquaman glanced from the blue box to Daredevil, who pulled up his shirt to show fresh body art of Falcor on his torso. “Dude. Check it out. Dragon Tattoo. Sweet ink, right?” Though already weakened by his time on land, Aquaman summoned enough power to clench his fists. “All I see is a bullseye!” the aquatic superhero returned, throwing a superhuman punch that sends Daredevil flying into a stash of trash bags. Bullseye?! “Bro, Alexander is not gonna happen,” Daredevil yelled, the Four Loko’s caffeine building atop his super-strength, driving him to complete four flips before drop-kicking Aquaman right in the gills. Just kidding! That was a Four Loko hallucination — Daredevil really somersaulted into another trash bag and punched a tree. Sensing Daredevil was at his weakest, Aquaman telepathically summoned a nearby three-eyed fish swimming in the Hudson River. Too bad shame overrides any psychic transmission, leading the three-eyed fish to learn his secret and shun the superhero: “Nobu, Aquaman? For Piven?” the three-eyed fish says, swimming away while shaking his head. Panicking, Aquaman looks back at his opponent — who has started squatting in his general direction — and desperately picks up his fists. Just as he’s about to strike, he feels an uncontrollable urge to itch his entire body. Oh please let this be the mercury poisoning and not that night at Chateau Marmont, he thinks. By the time he’s done scratching his arms, it’s too late — Aquaman looks up long enough to see Daredevil delivering a blow to his face and falls to the ground. Daredevil immediately breaks down sobbing about Atreyu’s horse and begins following his super-sense to a vending machine full of Funyuns.
The Winner: Daredevil. Because since when does Aquaman win at anything?
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Eccentric Bill Resler looks more like a skinny Santa Claus than someone who could tackle a group of high school girls but he transforms easily into a hard-hitting no-nonsense basketball coach. He leaves his job as a college professor and takes on the challenge of taking over the team as the cameras follows him over a six-year period. The Roughriders basketball team at Roosevelt High School which is situated in a predominantly white middle-class neighborhood of Seattle has some rough spots. But Resler quickly whips them into shape using some unorthodox methods and dealing with the typical politics of school administrations as well as racial and sexual issues along the way. One day a feisty and strong-willed African American girl Darnellia Russell decides to transfer from her mostly-black school Garfield High to Roosevelt so she can work with Resler--and ends up inspiring the team. Heart of the Game follows the girls and the coach with a fly-on-the-wall point of view and they all seem rather natural when in front of the camera. The players the mothers the fellow teachers all shed tears of joy and sobs of sadness as the camera captures everything along the way. The heart of the story however centers on the two rather ambiguous and innocuous characters--Resler and the tough Darnellia. They become so real audiences may love or hate them at any given moment because of how they show all sides of their personalities and reveal their inner thoughts. Rapper/actor Ludacris narrates the story throughout giving unobtrusive background when necessary. It's amazing to watch the girls grow up and everyone in the story age over the half-dozen years the story takes place. They mature they get smarter they deal with hard issues and it's not something any acting school can ever equal. It's life. Anyone who reluctantly was dragged to see Hoop Dreams--and then was floored by its honest realis--will be equally entranced by Heart of the Game which is less about basketball and more about their personal struggles and lives. Director Ward Serrill has woven an intricate story with his camera and editing that includes a lot of plot twists and many McGuffins shedding light on the characters' personalities. Resler even plays and sings some of the songs strumming his guitar while Serrill accompanies with a harmonica for the film's score. One of the greatest moments in the film is when the coach has the team imagine themselves as bloodthirsty growling wolves and shouts "Devour the moose!" while they're all in the locker room before a game. One year they're lions another year they're a tropical storm but he always has a motivating theme. The whirlwind story takes audiences on an emotional rollercoaster of their lives happy and tragic and it's easy to forget that with Heart of the Game you're watching real life.
The Seinfeld segment titled "The Invitation," has been pulled from syndication over sensitivity about the recent anthrax scare, a spokeswoman for show syndicators told Reuters on Monday. In the episode, George Constanza (Jason Alexander)'s fiancée dies after licking the envelopes from their wedding invitations.
Television talk shows are having a difficult time filling in their guest couches as some stars continue to avoid flying across the country for interviews, The Associated Press reports. Drew Barrymore and Heather Graham both backed out of appearances on The Late Night with David Letterman, Ben Stiller canceled his Oct. 6 hosting gig on NBC's Saturday Night Live, and Emeril Lagasse and Steve Harvey canceled their appearances on the Late Night with Conan O'Brien show. Rosie O'Donnell also has had to cancel a full week of shows due to an anthrax scare.
John Leguizamo has pushed back the Broadway opening for his one-man show, Sexaholix...a Love Story, from Dec. 2 to Dec. 9 due to a leg injury. The comedian hurt his leg during a pre-show rehearsal last Thursday and was taken to New York's Roosevelt Hospital to be treated for a torn muscle, Reuters reports.
The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences has approved a $650,000 payment to settle claims that its chief executive, Michael Greene, assaulted and physically abused a female employee, The Los Angeles Times reported on Monday. The employee, Jill Geimer, reportedly threatened to sue over his alleged misconduct but had not done so while negotiations continued over a possible settlement. More than a dozen of the 41 board members have called for his dismissal.
Britney Spears has made changes to the start of her U.S. tour for the second time, Jive Records says. Instead of a Halloween opening on Wednesday in Washington, D.C., Spears will now launch her tour on Nov. 1 at the Nationwide Arena in Colombus, Ohio. Spears was originally set to launch her tour on Oct. 26 in Miami, Fla., but that date was scrubbed after the singer got the flu.
Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million deal to play a free-spirited gunslinger opposite Ben Affleck in Gigli, which director Martin Brest (Scent of a Woman) is scheduled to shoot next month, Reuters reports. In the film, Lopez's character is sent to supervise a hit man that has kidnapped the mentally slow brother of a district attorney. Lopez will replace Halle Berry, who left the project last month due to a scheduling conflict with X-Men 2.
MTV Networks has laid off 450 employees--roughly 9% of its workforce--in the deepest cuts of the Viacom-owned company's 20-year history. Tom Freston, chairman and CEO of MTV Networks, said in a statement that the new economic times forced the first restructuring of the company since 1989, Reuters reports. Nick at Nite and TV Land will be consolidated, as well as the Latin American organizations of MTV and Nickelodeon. The Web sites for MTV, Nickelodeon and VH1 will no longer operate as separate companies and will move to one of MTV Networks' two locations in Manhattan. Finally, MTV will shut down its animation studio, saving money to hire outside companies to produce its cartoon series and specials.
Courtney Love was forced to finish her set early at her Oct. 26 opening gig for Jane's Addiction because of a strict Hollywood Bowl house curfew established under local noise ordinances, Tas Steiner, Love's publicist, told Reuters on Monday. The gig was arranged to give the unnamed label executive a chance to hear Love, who was backed by a new band, to play songs the audience never got to see her perform. "Courtney was disappointed," Steiner said. "She only got to do two of the four new songs that she was planning on singing. She ended up taking an acoustic guitar with her band into a restroom offstage and singing a few songs for a major label president." Love has added those four songs into a demo tape that she's been shopping to record labels while she presses on with her lawsuit against Universal Music Group to end her current recording contract.
George Lucas will screen trailers of his upcoming Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones before Pixar Animation's Monsters Inc. opens on Friday. But many studios are upset Lucas has chosen that specific movie to debut his trailer. "The question is, who owns that space before the movie?" one studio distribution chief said to Reuters. Lucasfilm holds a financial stake in Pixar, which started as the computer animation unit of Lucasfilm before it was sold to Apple in 1986. Jim Ward, Lucasfilm's VP of marketing, told Reuters that the "longstanding relationship" between Pixar and Lucasfilm benefits both companies in this case.
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