ABC Television Network
Here’s the burning question everyone wants an answer to, or maybe it’s just the people on my FB feed because all the men in my life love them some boys: Is Juan Pablo a homophobe? Well, that depends. Does calling gay people “more pervert in a sense” make you an idiot? Absolutely. Was it taken out of context? Probably not. He said that while he respects LGBT parents (point Juan Pablo), he doesn’t “think it’s a good example for kids who watch that on TV.” Right, because a man swapping spit with eight drunk girls a night makes such a great role model. Dimwitted comments aside, Juan Pabs could be onto something. Check out this brilliant satire of gay bachelordom from Jesse Tyler Ferguson and George Takei. Only, it’s okay for them to mock the situation because they’re actually in the tribe.
Juan Pablo, going forward, please restrict your interview topics to empanadas and soccer cleats.Now, let’s get back to that highly moral show.Cassandra’s Date: The One Where All Expenses Were Spared Just in case it didn’t click the four times she repeated it, this one-on-one was Cassandra’s first date since she was 18 (so, since her baby daddy). To celebrate the occasion, JP took her on land and sea in a sexed-up duck boat and then back to his house for a no-frills dinner. Guess she’s not worth an ice rink or a private concert. Over his “secret” pasta, she unveiled her dead mama drama. Lacking topics to chat about, JP gives her - the ex-pro dancer - a salsa lesson. Actually looks like she needed it. In the end, Juan Pablo, who was just about hitting puberty when young Cassie was born, rewards her the rose on behalf of her hotness.Group DateKelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki take to the turf so they can watch Juan Pablo be cute playing soccer. A ball whacks Sharleen in the head but she keeps playing because she’s a great sport. Or robot. Juan Pablo sucks face with Andi in a kitchen. Then he makes a mid-field picnic for Sharleen – victim of ball abuse – so all the pissed-off ladies can watch them have what appears to be the worst kiss in Bachelor history. Sharleen wonders why this process doesn’t feel “organic.” You want a normal date, Shar Shar? Get off the show. “I don’t feel secure in my connection with him. It both surprises and bothers me that I care as much as I do,” said the automaton. Nikki, one of the gals he hasn’t groped, gets the rose. The lesson? Keep your tongue in your mouth, ladies.Chelsie’s Date: Binge Eating and Bungee Jumping They force-feed each other fried cheese and then head to the nearest bridge. Chelsie has a panic attack, because a) why would you hurdle yourself off a perfectly good bridge and b) she just wolfed an empanada. “Do it for me,” he pleads, sweetly encouraging her to risk death for a cheap stunt. It works and off they plunge. He steals an upside down Spiderman kiss. Hopped up on adrenaline and a solid misattribution of arousal, she says, “Thanks for talking me off that ledge.” No, Chelsie. That’s not how that saying works. For dinner, she’s treated to a candlelit City Hall-scape and then yet another concert by a band no one has ever heard of.The Pool Party:In a deft move, Juan Pablo goes to the mansion early to cook the girls breakfast and peep them without makeup. As luck would have it, most of them looked adorable in their eye glasses, skank morning breath and “piyamas.” The chicas who were late to rise were warned that JP was in-house so they'd have time to apply foundation. That’s sisterhood. Instead of a proper cocktail party, the crew transitions to the pool for some day drinking. Sharleen gripes that she isn’t in her element. “My soul wants to be left alone.” Good grief, woman. More unappetizing fishy kisses follow.And the roses go to:Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen (rocking a seriously unladylike boob window), Elise, Kat, Alison, Clare, Lauren, DanielleR.I.PNaked Lucy (I’ll actually miss her a smidge) and Christy, who I’ve never seen before.
The first and most important thing you should know about Paramount Pictures’ Thor is that it’s not a laughably corny comic book adaptation. Though you might find it hokey to hear a bunch of muscled heroes talk like British royalty while walking around the American Southwest in LARP garb director Kenneth Branagh has condensed vast Marvel mythology to make an accessible straightforward fantasy epic. Like most films of its ilk I’ve got some issues with its internal logic aesthetic and dialogue but the flaws didn’t keep me from having fun with this extra dimensional adventure.
Taking notes from fellow Avenger Iron Man the story begins with an enthralling event that takes place in a remote desert but quickly jumps back in time to tell the prologue which introduces the audience to the shining kingdom of Asgard and its various champions. Thor (Chris Hemsworth) son of Odin is heir to the throne but is an arrogant overeager and ill-tempered rogue whose aggressive antics threaten a shaky truce between his people and the frost giants of Jotunheim one of the universe’s many realms. Odin (played with aristocratic boldness by Anthony Hopkins) enraged by his son’s blatant disregard of his orders to forgo an assault on their enemies after they attempt to reclaim a powerful artifact banishes the boy to a life among the mortals of Earth leaving Asgard defenseless against the treachery of Loki his mischievous “other son” who’s always felt inferior to Thor. Powerless and confused the disgraced Prince finds unlikely allies in a trio of scientists (Natalie Portman Stellan Skarsgard and Kat Dennings) who help him reclaim his former glory and defend our world from total destruction.
Individually the make-up visual effects CGI production design and art direction are all wondrous to behold but when fused together to create larger-than-life set pieces and action sequences the collaborative result is often unharmonious. I’m not knocking the 3D presentation; unlike 2010’s genre counterpart Clash of the Titans the filmmakers had plenty of time to perfect the third dimension and there are only a few moments that make the decision to convert look like it was a bad one. It’s the unavoidable overload of visual trickery that’s to blame for the frost giants’ icy weaponized constructs and other hybrids of the production looking noticeably artificial. Though there’s some imagery to nitpick the same can’t be said of Thor’s thunderous sound design which is amped with enough wattage to power The Avengers’ headquarters for a century.
Chock full of nods to the comics the screenplay is both a strength and weakness for the film. The story is well sequenced giving the audience enough time between action scenes to grasp the characters motivations and the plot but there are tangential narrative threads that disrupt the focus of the film. Chief amongst them is the frost giants’ fore mentioned relic which is given lots of attention in the first act but has little effect on the outcome. In addition I felt that S.H.I.E.L.D. was nearly irrelevant this time around; other than introducing Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye the secret security faction just gets in the way of the movie’s momentum.
While most of the comedy crashes and burns there are a few laughs to be found in the film. Most come from star Hemsworth’s charismatic portrayal of the God of Thunder. He plays up the stranger-in-a-strange-land aspect of the story with his cavalier but charming attitude and by breaking all rules of diner etiquette in a particularly funny scene with the scientists whose respective roles as love interest (Portman) friendly father figure (Skarsgaard) and POV character (Dennings) are ripped right out of a screenwriters handbook.
Though he handles the humorous moments without a problem Hemsworth struggles with some of the more dramatic scenes in the movie; the result of over-acting and too much time spent on the Australian soap opera Home and Away. Luckily he’s surrounded by a stellar supporting cast that fills the void. Most impressive is Tom Hiddleston who gives a truly humanistic performance as the jealous Loki. His arc steeped in Shakespearean tragedy (like Thor’s) drums up genuine sympathy that one rarely has for a comic book movie villain.
My grievances with the technical aspects of the production aside Branagh has succeeded in further exploring the Marvel Universe with a film that works both as a standalone superhero flick and as the next chapter in the story of The Avengers. Thor is very much a comic book film and doesn’t hide from the reputation that its predecessors have given the sub-genre or the tropes that define it. Balanced pretty evenly between “serious” and “silly ” its scope is large enough to please fans well versed in the source material but its tone is light enough to make it a mainstream hit.
The God of Legion secular Hollywood’s latest Biblically-inspired action flick is old-school an angry spiteful Almighty with a penchant for Old Testament theatrics. Fed up with humanity’s decadent warmongering ways He’s decided to pull the plug on the whole crazy experiment and start over from scratch.
Fortunately for us the God of Legion is also a rather lazy fellow. Instead of doing the apocalyptic work himself and wiping us out with a giant flood which worked perfectly well last time He opts to delegate the task to His army of angels — a questionable strategy that starts to fall apart when the archangel charged with leading the planned extermination Michael (Paul Bettany) refuses to comply.
Michael who unlike his boss still harbors affection for our sorry species abandons his post and descends to earth where inside the swollen belly of Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) an unwed mother-to-be working as a waitress in an out-of-the-way diner sits humanity’s lone hope for survival. Why is this particular baby so important? Is it the one destined to lead us to victory over Skynet? Heaven knows — Legion reveals little details its script devoid of actual scripture. What is clear is that God’s celestial hitmen want the kid whacked before it’s born.
But Michael won’t let humanity fall without a fight. Armed with a Waco-sized arsenal of assault weapons he hunkers down with the diner’s patrons a largely superfluous collection of thinly-sketched caricatures from various demographic groups led by Dennis Quaid as the diner’s grizzled owner Tyrese Gibson as a hip-hop hustler and Lucas Black as a simple-minded country boy.
Together they mount a heroic final stand against hordes of angels who’ve taken possession of “weak-willed” humans turning kindly old grandmas and mild-mannered ice cream vendors into snarling ravenous foul-mouthed beasts. They descend upon the ramshackle diner in a series of full-frontal assaults commanded by the archangel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) the George Pickett of End of Days generals.
Beneath its superficial religious facade Legion is really just a run-of-the-mill zombie flick a Biblical I Am Legend. Bettany an actor accustomed to smaller dramatic roles in films like A Beautiful Mind and The Da Vinci Code looks perfectly at ease in his first major action role wielding machine guns and bowie knives with equal aplomb. Conversely first-time director Scott Stewart a former visual effects artist does little to prove himself worthy of such a promotion serving up some impressive CGI work but not much else worthy of note.
"Ally McBeal" is getting a new friend: Indie guy. James LeGros James LeGros, the so-called Brad Pitt of the indie film world, is set to join the cast of Fox's hit lawyer show -- a sort-of testosterone reinforcement as series stalwart Gil Bellows prepares to exit.
According to reports today, LeGros will bow on the show in May (as in, yes, the May sweeps). The 37-year-old actor will play a thirtysomething lawyer name of Mark Albert. In USA Today, "Ally" creator David E. Kelley says he sees the LeGros character (and a couple of other new ones still to come) as rocking the boat at the all-too-precious firm of Cage/Fish Associates.
The LeGros casting comes at a time of relative upheaval for the still-young, still-popular series. By the end of this -- its third season -- "Ally McBeal" will have said goodbye to Bellows (as lawyer Billy Thomas) and Courtney Thorne-Smith (as lawyer Georgia Thomas). The status of Lisa Nicole Carson (as prosecutor Renee Radick) is fuzzy. She's still with the show; she just hasn't been on the show much since -- per her own account to the National Enquirer -- she did a stint in a New York psychiatric ward after living like "a one-woman party" around the holidays.
Being an indie dude, LeGros isn't really best known for anything, although he has starred in a number of films, including "Living in Oblivion."
HEATHER'S SPIN: Heather Locklear is terribly happy with "Spin City," is terribly happy about the sitcom's impending move from New York to Los Angeles to accommodate new star Charlie Sheen and is just terribly happy. So a rep for the actress tells the New York Daily News, denying rumbles that Locklear is, um, not terribly happy (or optimistic) about the prospects for the ABC sitcom after Michael J. Fox departs at the end of this season.
CUT OUT: This item was going to be about how Mark Fuhrman, the Los Angeles police detective disgraced on the stand during the O.J. Simpson murder trial, had been hired as a consultant by ABC morning news show "Good Morning America," except now he's not. Protest from staffers nixed the deal that would have seen the ex-cop turned author on the dole as a paid consultant for his expertise on a Connecticut homicide allegedly involving a member of the Kennedy clan, the Philadelphia Inquirer reports.
SANTA MONICA, Calif., Feb. 10, 2000 - Want to get the goods on an "Ally McBeal" co-star's "undisclosed medical condition"? Then get thee to a supermarket and guiltily pick up the Feb. 15 edition of the Star -- wherein said "Ally McBeal" co-star seemingly spills the beans her very own self.
According to the article, tastefully titled "'Ally McBeal' Beauty Locked Up in Psycho Ward," actress Lisa Nicole Carson, who plays Ally's roommate Renee Radick on Fox's hit legal-eagle series, says she required hospitalization after smoking "a joint that was laced with PCP."
"I think the joint may have triggered a collapse in my nervous system," Carson is quoted as telling a Star reporter. "Now I'm here drinking lots and lots of water and trying to get the drugs out of my system."
The "here," according to the Star, is (or was) New York's Lenox Hill Hospital, where the 30-year-old Carson was allegedly admitted to a special ward.
Fox deferred comment on the report to Carson's publicist. A Hollywood.com phone call to said publicist went unreturned.
But last week, Carson's reps did disclose that the actress had recently completed a two-week hospital stay. The official statement on the topic of her "undisclosed medical condition" was devoid of detail. While Carson was seen (briefly) on Monday's edition of "Ally McBeal," it has been said that series producers are writing around her character for the time being.
As for Carson's take on the situation? "I'm [a] honky-tonk woman," she says in the Star. "I used to sing in a rock band and drink whiskey straight out of the bottle. I love my mommy and daddy, and when I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm very bad. I'm very good at being very bad."
LEO WATCH: Okay, he wore (or so we're told) a gray suit and matching tie. He smiled for photographers. He nobly declined the requests of those who implored, "Leo, kiss me quick!"
We speak, of course, of Leonardo DiCaprio, in London on Wednesday for the Euro premiere of "The Beach." (The flick washes ashore in these parts on Friday.)
The red-carpet affair featured the U.K. version of the A-list crowd (which reads more like the lineup for a "Behind the Music" marathon): A Spice Girl (Baby); the guy who used to sing in Simply Red; and a couple of ex-Duran Duraners.
What -- nobody from Big Country?
'BEACH' BUMMED: Don't ask Ewan McGregor about "The Beach."
According to the British magazine The Face, McGregor suggested that the filmmakers behind "The Beach" -- the same team he'd done "Trainspotting" and two other flicks for -- had gone for the obvious commercial choice in casting DiCaprio.
Asked if he felt disrespected by McGregor, DiCaprio reportedly answered: "Yeah. You know, yeah, absolutely."
Here's the ironic twist: DiCaprio has been rumored for the role of Anakin Skywalker in "Episode II" of the "Star Wars" series. Should he be cast, he'd be playing opposite McGregor (who starred in "Episode I" as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi). And as fans know, Anakin will later become Darth Vader and, um, kill Obi-Wan. That's gotta hurt.
We feel for you, Ewan.
DON'T KISS, DON'T TELL: Don't ask Michael Douglas about love. Not when he wants to talk war.
At a recent interview with reporters to discuss his upcoming film "Wonder Boys," Douglas, 55, was speaking passionately about disarmament, according to Reuters. But when an impatient journalist blurted, "So how did you meet Catherine?" (as in Catherine Zeta-Jones), Douglas retorted, "At a nuclear rally." He complimented the reporter on not even bothering to make a transition.
"You really are bored, aren't you?" he asked.
Later, Douglas finally allowed that he met Zeta-Jones, now 30, by arranging a meeting through a friend because he was so impressed with her in "The Mask of Zorro."
And now back to the disarmament issue ...
QUICK TAKES: Looks like Whoopi Goldberg will exercise her hosting chops again -- but not at the Oscars. While Billy Crystal returns for another Academy Awards engagement, Goldberg has been tapped to host the Screen Actors Guild Awards on March 12 in Los Angeles. It will be aired on TNT ...
... In New Orleans, a federal appeals court stood behind Oprah Winfrey Wednesday, ruling that the TV talk queen did not defame the cattle industry in a 1996 show that sparked a headline-making 1998 veggie-libel trial.
... More fun at the Happiest Place on Earth. In Delaware on Wednesday, an appeals court ruled that Disney shareholders do have the right to sue the Magic Kingdom over that $140 goodbye package Michael Ovitz received when he left the company in 1997 after a grueling, um, 15 months on the job.
...Ain't it cute? Kirsten Dunst's prom date will be actor Josh Hartnett, her co-star from the upcoming "The Virgin Suicides." The matchup happened when Dunst asked Seventeen magazine entertainment editor Michelle Shapiro for date suggestions. Shapiro immediately walked up to Hartnett, who answered: "Sure."
MUSIC BEAT: D'Angelo's "Voodoo" spends a second turn at No. 1 on the Billboard album chart this week. Overall, the Top Five was virtually unchanged from last week: No. 2 was Santana's "Supernatural," Dr. Dre's "Dr. Dre 2001" held at No. 3 and Celine Dion's "All the Way ... a Decade of Song" stayed at No. 4. Christina Aguilera's self-titled album jumped to the No. 5 spot.
In singles action, the new No. 1 is "Thank God I Found You" by Mariah Carey's collaboration with Joe and 98 Degrees. Rounding out the Top Five: "I Knew I Loved You," by Savage Garden; "What a Girl Wants," by Christina Aguilera; "Get it on Tonite," by Montell Jordan; and "Smooth," by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox20.