Sorry, everyone, but Tuesday night the only thing you will be allowed to watch on television is the results of the presidential election as they slowly roll in from across this great nation of ours. Yes, that means field reporting, concession speeches, red and blue states on a big old poster behind the anchor desk, and pundits turning red in their faces when the races don't go their way.
Even if you can't tell the difference between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney and a donkey and an elephant fighting over pizza and burritos, you're going to have to watch something. But what? Here are all your major choices, broken down by what to expect and what is the best for you. If you're going to be stuck with journalists, you might as well find some that you like.
Talent: Diane Sawyer, George (copy, paste) Stephanopoulos, Barbara Walters, and Katie Couric
Pros: Sawyer and Stephanopoulos have both actually worked in the White House, so that is some real K Street cred right there. With Walters and Kouric they'll have a nice balance of hard and soft news. Also, they have a lot of female reporters. It's almost as if they had a binder, and it was full of women, and that's who they put on the show.
Cons: Walters and Kouric have devolved into daytime chatterers. They might not be able to deliver the gravitas an occasion like this merits. And seriously, can't we just put Barbara Walters on Social Security already and make her give up a place at the anchor desk? Oh, wait, not if Mitt Romney wins and there is no more Social Security. Never mind.
Watch This If...: You think The View is hard-hitting journalism.
Talent: Scott Pelley, Bob Schieffer, Norah O'Donnell, John Dickerson
Pros: Bob Schieffer moderated one of the debates, so he might have some insights. The network will be using virtual reality models to display the election results. I don't know what that means, but "virtual reality" always sounds like the future.
Cons: What is a Scott Pelley? Who are these people?
Watch This If...: You are old and can't find NCIS.
Talent: Brian Williams, Tom Brokaw, David Gregory, Savannah Guthrie, Andrea Mitchell, Tamron Hall
Pros: Everyone will be reporting from a place called Democracy Plaza, which sounds like what the inside of a voting booth should be like. Either that or a politics-themed restaurant in Times Square. There will be a lot of really deep voices, so your dog won't be able to hear a thing. It's also the only major network to bring back a returning anchor, so thanks, Brokaw. Oh, and have you seen Brian Williams on 30 Rock? He brings the funny.
Cons: Tamron Hall will be reporting from the Rockefeller Center Ice Rink. We are already embarrassed for her. Also, no one likes Savannah Guthrie (especially Ann Curry).
Watch This If...: You want to be like the cast of Girls.
Talent: Bill O'Reilly, Greta Van Susteren, Brit Hume, Chris Wallace, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove
Pros: If Mitt Romney loses, they'll freak out so bad it will look like a million nervous breakdowns at once.They're the only ones to have a former candidate in the newsroom.
Cons: That candidate is Sarah Palin. Also, Karl Rove, a lugey of human phlegm that came to life, will share his evil ways. That could be insightful but is also like making out with Emperor Palpatine. And, just like MSNBC, this broadcast has a political bias. Unlike MSNBC, they're not bothered by those little things called facts.
Watch This If...: You hate truth, liberty, and the American way.
Talent: Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Candy Crowley, Erin Burnett, Paul Begala, James Carville, Alex Castellanos, Ari Fleischer, Margaret Hoover, Van Jones, Roland Martin and Ana Navarro. Is there anyone they didn't hire?
Pros: Since it's a news network, you can watch it all darn day so you can get all the sweet political news you need to stay alive. Also, it tries to be fair and balanced, which is nice. You never know when Cooper is going to lapse into a fit of the giggles and Begala and Carville are the funniest talking heads in all of punditville.
Cons: Who wants their news balanced? Tell me what to think, news! I'm stupid and need some opinions. Also, remember last election when Wolf Blitzer talked to a hologram. Yeah, that's gone. I already miss it.
Watch This If...: Like Anderson, you'd rather be watching Real Housewives.
Talent: Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, Rev. Al Sharpton, Lawrence O'Donnell, Ed Schultz, Steve Schmidt
Pros: If there was ever a pro, it's Rev. Al Sharpton. If Obama wins, he'll go crazy. If Romney wins, he'll go double crazy. Stay tuned! Also, Matthews will yell and Maddow will say lots of smart and vaguely mean things that are totally right.
Cons: There doesn't seem to be any virtual reality, holograms, reincarnated robots of William Taft, or anything. Where are the bells and whistles?
Watch This If...: You wear glasses.
Pros: Well, it's unfiltered, unbiased coverage of the democratic process.
Cons: That sounds more dry and boring than a dump truck full of Shredded Wheat.
Watch This If...: You hate fun.
Talent: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert
Pros: Screw taping, these guys are going live! That means the funny is going to be fast, furious, and possibly NSFW (damn those seven-second delays). Also, Colbert's half hour is called Election 2012: A Nation Votes, Ohio Decides; The Re-Presidenting of America: Who Will Replace Obama? ‘012!. Yup, I'd watch that. Oh, and he'll have Andrew Sullivan too.
Cons: Their coverage starts at 11 PM, so you have nothing to watch until then. But, then again, if you have a life outside of watching boring political reporting on TV, then that is actually a pro. They each only get 30 minutes. Boo!
Watch This If...: You think The Onion is real.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Getty Images (2), Comedy Central]
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S4:E2 “They always end up having some kind of feelings, somewhere.” – Pauly
So last week’s episode ended with the whole group in the club and having a blast watching Deena as she licked Pauly’s tongue and then in between kisses, Pauly would turn to the group and shrug his shoulders like there wasn’t anything he could do about it. She even bit his lip and dragged it so far away from his mouth that it almost was stretched into a tarp that I’m sure all of Italy would have liked the opportunity to use to protect themselves from these 8 people. Deena then told Pauly that she wanted to go back to the house and have sex with him, and Pauly tried really hard to mask his incredible disinterest in that idea by replying, “Yeah, I know!” As everyone was getting ready to leave and go home to their palace, Snooki went up to Pauly and told him to have sex with Deena, but Pauly said he felt bad doing that because then if he had sex with Italian girls, Deena would get upset and Pauly didn’t want to upset her. In that moment it was like Pauly didn’t even belong on this show. Then Snooki curiously changed her tune and realized that if Deena and Pauly had sex their friendship would be ruined, just like Snooki’s friendship with Vinny was ruined after they tried and failed to have relations. So when Deena tried to voice her objections to Pauly dancing with another girl, Jenni pulled her outside and asked her why she wanted to have sex with Pauly and Deena said “If I do sex with him, it is what it is.” Meaning, I think, she would just view it as sex and nothing else. So then when the group got back to the house (and after Deena fell on every surface she could find and had some fun with a very shabby looking marionette that she called “Pinocchio,” she ventured into Pauly’s room and poked Pauly’s head because she wanted to wake him up and remind him that they were supposed to smush. Pauly pretended he was that dog who got stabbed in the head by burglars, but changed the part about being conscious afterwards.
“When are you coming to visit me?” – Ronnie
The first thing Ronnie did when he got home from the club was call his friend Hannah, which just so you know, wasn’t me. Hannah apparently was this girl who’d helped Ronnie get over Sam. But that story didn’t blow up right away. Instead what happened is Deena, The Situation, Pauly and Vinny went to get food from the grocery store because they wanted to do their usual Sunday dinner the way they would do it if they were in Seaside. But when they got to the store they had a really hard time figuring out what they wanted because everything was in Italian and it completely threw them off. Pauly and Vinny assigned Deena to find the wheat bread, and so she went around the whole store asking, “is this wheat?” except it sounded like she was saying “is this weed?” It was also kind of confusing that they were all so confused by everything, because it’s not like the food itself in Italy is different than it is in America. If you’re in an Italian supermarket, you can almost always look at a container and figure out what it contains. Sure, the WORDS for things are different, but it’s safe to say that the orange that’s emblazoned on a carton means it’s not filled with wasabi flavored nuts. Anyway, when the shoppers brought the loot back to the house, Deena and Sammi decided they would cook the Sunday dinner and drink wine while doing it. Pretty soon things were happening like Sammi was taking raspberries out of the refrigerator and calling them weird strawberries and Deena saying they had to do the dishwasher with dishwashing liquid. But the whole process of cooking was taking too long for them so they put the chicken in the oven and then went to eat at a café. But they were gone for so long that the guys thought they had abandoned their task of cooking, and so the guys just did it for them.
“I’m glad I could make you feel better.” – The Situation
So, the most interesting thing so far about this season has been The Situation’s interest in Snooki. He was the one most shocked to learn Snooki had a boyfriend, and ever since then, he’s been nosing around the other roommates for information on how serious their relationship is. His interest in Snooki, of course, stems from a couple of months ago when they slept together apparently when Snooki was still with Jionni. And so since the tryst, The Situation has been trying to encourage Snooki that she deserves something better than Jionni by watching her argue with him on the phone about not calling him enough and pulling her aside and telling her that he’s there for her.
“She likes extra sausage.” – Vinny
A man named Marco called the house and told Vinny that the group needed to come down to his pizzeria for orientation because while they were in Italy, they were going to be working for him. So once they arrived at their new job, Marco explained that he was going to show them how to make a pizza just once and that for the rest of their days, they were going to have to do it themselves. He chose Snooki as his little helper, and he had her tossing dough in the air and spreading sauce everywhere and sprinkling cheese on top and when the time came for toppings, everyone joked that she liked sausage because she still liked Vinny after figuring out he was too… big to have sex with. After their orientation was over, the friends raced back into their house and fell asleep again for another five hours until it was time to get up. When that time rolled around and everyone got into the club, Ronnie instantaneously was drunk and telling Jenni that in three weeks his friend Hannah was coming to visit him. Vinny that in three days, he slept with four women. Sammi, of course, overheard this tidbit and told him it was gross and then Ronnie went up to her and started giving her shit, I guess, for caring. Jenni noted that everyone’s attitude changed because they sensed an argument between Sam and Ronnie about to erupt. But before it could, Vinny pulled Ronnie aside and said if he started fighting with Sammi, that this whole trip would turn to shit and Ronnie agreed. Sammi went outside and cried.
Get More: Jersey Shore, MTV Shows
“She’s so ugly.” – Snooki
The Situation met an American girl named Britney or something at the club and even though Snooki told him she was ugly, decided to bring her home anyway. As he was escorting her upstairs and high-fiving the guys along the way, Snooki asked Vinny if she was prettier than Britney and he said yes she was, and then Snooki asked then why was The Situation getting with her if she was obviously the more pretty one? Vinny responded that since no one could get with Snooki, they had to settle for other less pretty girls, and Vinny pointed out that she must be comparing herself to Britney because she had a crush on The Situation. Snooki denied it though, and once Britney left, she went up to The Situation and told him the two of them were just going to be friends and that it was okay if they cared about each other as friends. The Situation maintained they had something significantly more than friendship between them, and that it Snooki didn’t want to acknowledge it, that would be fine. Snooki said nope, they were just going to be friends and admitted that sure, she cared about Mike and Mike said, “yes, you care about me” and turned into one of those girls who looks for meaning in things that don’t have significance.
Get More: Jersey Shore, MTV Shows
“Mike is trying to start problems.” –Vinny
At lunch the next day, Vinny told Sam that she and Ronnie needed to find a way to go out at night and not fight because it made everyone miserable. Sammi explained that she was doing the best she could with living with an ex-boyfriend and having to see him everywhere, which granted, sounds pretty impossible. But she promised that she and Ronnie wouldn’t do very much fighting in Italy because she insisted she was over him, and that he was free to do whatever he wanted. Then Mike interjected and said something like “good for you Sam, because Ronnie told me he’s got like five girls coming to the house.” Sam tried to brush the comment from her mind but you know she stored it for another day. Back at the house, The Situation tried to cuddle with Deena, but she wasn’t into it so she asked him if he’d like to go have a cigarette with her. Later that night, the seemingly unimportant exchange turned into something major because Deena told Pauly how pathetic it was that Mike wanted to cuddle…and then the next day at brunch, Pauly asked Mike if what Deena said about him trying to cuddle with her the night befoe was true. Mike of course denied it and Deena said Pauly had misinterpreted what she said and that there was no cuddling (even though she said there was). So Pauly essentially trapped her in a lie and embarrassed her…and the rest of the lunch she was mute.
Then we had the least promising moment of the season: Sammi told Ronnie that she still loved him and she missed him and that all she wanted to do at night was to crawl into his bed and cuddle with him. They’re bound to reconnect at least once this summer, and it’s just a drag because then the rest of the season will focus on them instead of the much more interesting story that’s going on between The Situation and Snooki. There’s just nothing we could see happen between Ronnie and Sammi that we haven’t already seen, and so it’s almost like they’re hinting at hooking up again because they know we’ll kill them for it.
Oh how far the mighty fall! After scurrying away from Transformers 3 like a cockroach avoiding death by RAID!, Megan Fox can now be found as Dominic Monaghan's abused girlfriend in Eminem's new music video for "Love The Way You Lie," featuring Rihanna.
The two spend the majority of the video screaming at each other between major make out sessions against plywood walls. Rihanna stands outside their house singing the chorus over and over again, while Eminem is confusingly, and probably against his will, ditched in a wheat field around sunset. Oh, and Megan Fox wears combat boots that look too heavy.
It's pretty enjoyable, but is this what Megan Fox is going to do now? I know I argued and argued that she's nothing more than something nice to look at, but I'm not even sure I like this coming from her! I miss her dull sentence delivery, where every word is surprisingly mediocre, despite coming from a mouth that was constructed by such a well-educated and experienced surgeon. She's probably quite pleased with herself now, but once the day is over and the video has logged its millions of views, she'll go right back to diagramming sentences that prove Michael Bay really IS like Hitler. And I'll be watching it four more times. Feel free to join me.