Part Mean Girls part Heathers—hell there’s even a little bit of Hilary Duff’s ridiculously stupid The Perfect Man thrown in there—John Tucker Must Die fits the genre nicely. But the word “die” is a little harsh. Actually when three high school girls—wannabe journalist Carrie (Arielle Kebbel) head cheerleader Heather (Ashanti) and vegan activist Beth (Sophia Bush)—find out they are all dating the delectable John Tucker (Jesse Metcalfe) the school’s basketball star they decide to get even. After several embarrassing tactics backfire the girls come up with the perfect idea. They’ll recruit pretty but anonymous new kid Kate (Brittany Snow) doll her up and get Tuck to fall in love with her so she can ceremoniously dump him. Wow I can’t see anything going wrong with that plan. Not at all. Talk about some pretty people John Tucker has got them in spades starting off with the insanely handsome Metcalfe who literally had women weak in the knees as the hot gardener who woos Desperate Housewives’ Eva Longoria. It’s not a big stretch to see him as the sexy Tuck the most popular er player in school. Then there’s the trio of revengeful hotties: tall lean and blonde Kebbel (Aquamarine) as the “smart” girl; curvy singer/actress Ashanti (Coach Carter) as the bring-it-on “cheerleader”; and luscious and exotic Bush (TV’s One Tree Hill) as the “experienced” one. But really its the perky Snow’s (The Pacifier) show effectively playing the “invisible” girl no one knows or even cares to know who moves around a lot whenever her mother (Jenny McCarthy in a nice bit part) breaks up with a “John Tucker” herself. What’s wrong with these single moms dragging their daughters all over the place after their hearts get broken? Betty Thomas best known for her turn as Sgt. Lucy Bates on Hill Street Blues doesn’t have the best track record in town as a director (I Spy is hers for example). But she’s helmed enough passable comedies (The Brady Bunch Movie Dr. Dolittle) to grant her admittance into the club. Problem here is Thomas isn’t teamed up with a sharp writer like Saturday Night Live alum Tina Fey whose Mean Girls script simply zings. John Tucker is pretty standard fare taking bits and pieces from the already established high-school formula. Still the coveted teen market will more than likely enjoy all the antics in the film—especially the whole “thong” bit in which Tuck caught wearing a thong in one of the girls’ schemes makes it cool for guys everywhere to wear thongs. Yeah you get the picture.
Successful architect Jonathan Rivers' (Michael Keaton) peaceful existence is shattered by the unexplained disappearance and death of his wife Anna (Chandra West). But that's not the worst of it. Jonathan is then contacted by a man who claims to receive messages from Anna through Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP) a form of clairvoyance in which the dead can communicate through such electronic devices as radio television and computers. Well that's just plain crazy talk! Not to Jonathan who is soon convinced EVP is the real deal. He becomes obsessed with it setting up his own EVP den of snowy white noise-filled televisions computer screens and recording devices in hopes of hearing from his beloved. Problem is--and it's a rather major problem--the further he probes into this paranormal activity the more he opens himself up to hearing from all the dearly departed some of whom aren't so dear. In fact there are more than a few on the "other side" who are downright psychotic and none too happy about being meddled with. They're heeeeeeere!
Just where the heck has Michael Keaton been? Although he turned in a powerhouse performance in HBO's Live From Baghdad in 2002 the actor has been out of the movie limelight for quite sometime save for a brief and wasted appearance as the President of the United States in last year's tepid First Daughter. White Noise regrettably doesn't do the talented actor any justice either but at least he's back in the driver's seat. To his credit Keaton is convincing as the bereft Jonathan grasping at whatever he can to ease the pain but he has a tougher time once the film veers off into Poltergeist territory. In the supporting roles Deborah Kara Unger also does a nice turn as Sarah a kindred spirit who finds closure after contacting her dead fiancé but whose life is in danger once she gets wrapped up in Jonathan's obsession. But the most dead-on (pun intended) line comes from Jonathan's young son Mike (Nicholas Elia) who asks "Are you going to be all right daddy?" From the mouths of babes …
EVP is a bonafide practice. There are people and organizations all over the world devoted to this little-known but growing paranormal activity. Now whether you believe in EVP or not the idea of it is still very fascinating and one could see how making a film about it could be chillingly entertaining. Unfortunately however screenwriter Niall Johnson and BBC-TV director Geoffrey Sax in his feature film debut muck it up and turn White Noise into a contrived muddled mess. Perhaps if the film concentrated on the Poltergeist-meets-Ghost aspect as Jonathan gives into his obsession and lets the nasty entities take over it could have worked. But like the dreadful 2002 Dragonfly in which a man is sent on a rescue mission directed by communications from his dead wife White Noise takes a sudden shift as Jonathan's wife guides him to hunt down a serial killer. This tacked-on hackneyed plot point obviously devised to heighten the suspense only brings the film down. Even White Noise's look is unoriginal with its very antiseptic water-dripping and cold-concrete sets. Been there done that.