Pipe down, Lazzies. After Wednesday's night's performance of "(They Long to Be) Close to You," defending Lazaro Arbos from our criticisms is akin to trying to convince any sane person that Amanda Bynes' Twitter presence isn't a sign of potential insanity. Have we not ears? And more importantly, have you? Lazaro may have rocked his fancy green suit on that stage, but it was the only thing he did right.
Randy Jackson quipped that this performance felt like a stroll back to the first auditions rounds, when someone sweet but untalented would be pummeled by the judges, and for once in my life I think that I couldn't have said it any better than the big Dawg. There's nothing redeeming about this performance, and unlike "worst performances" before him, it's not because he tackled a song beyond his abilities (Camile Velasco with "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road") or because he tried out a ridiculous theme (Kristy Lee Cook with "Eight Days a Week"). This Bacharach classic is a sweet, simple song. The key change wasn't all that taxing. The vibe is decidely old fashioned and prime for Lazaro's Ricky Ricardo style (as Nicki Minaj so often put it). If Lazaro was a skilled enough singer to be in the Top 6 this season, he wouldn't have had any issue with this song.
When Mariah "Butterfly Wishes" Carey does verbal somersaults to explain to you that the way music works is that you have to sing it right (she even has to tell Lazaro that when the key in a song changes, you actually have to change keys too, as a singer), even Lazaro's biggest fans have to admit: that was horrible. In fact, it was the worst finals performance of all time.
Lazzies, if you love this guy, let him go. Or we'll all be forced to watch him in pain on that stage week after week as the judges continue to tell him the hard truth. They're not harsh, and they're not picking on him. They're giving real talk to a kid who's lasted past singers with more talent than he has, and they're tired of sugar coating. And frankly, so are we.
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More:'American Idol' Recap: Candice Glover Wins'Idol' Voters, Invoking the Sympathy Vote for Lazaro is Cruel'American Idol' Needs a Lazaro Arbos Every Year
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What's love got to do with it? Hopefully nothing, if you're Season 12's much-maligned contestant, Zoanette Johnson. Because following her painful performance of the Tina Turner hit Tuesday night, Zoanette seems all but poised to become simply a footnote in Season 12's history. (That is, if the tricky Vote for the Worst doesn't catapult her into the Top 10.)
10. Sanjaya Malakar, Season 6Zoanette's Season 6 spirit animal, Sanjaya, became just as reviled for his hairstyles and unfounded arrogance as his off-key renditions of songs he should never have been singing in the first place. (See his performance of No Doubt's "Bathwater" below.) There was no more just elimination than when Sanjaya was given the boot during Top 7 week, but his off-puttingly good performance of "Bésame Mucho" proved he's not quite worth the distinction of being Idol's worst finalist of all time.
9. Carmen Rasmusen, Season 2A precursor to YouTube's hit Usher goat, Carmen bleated her way into Season 2's Top 12, despite getting cut in Hollywood earlier in the season. (She was brought back for drama's sake during the season's wildcard rounds.) And her performance in the finals only proved that Carmen should indeed have walked out the door during Hollywood Week. When Corey Clark is outperforming you, you know no beat can turn your Idol success around.
8. Ashthon Jones, Season 10True, Jones' biggest offense is being forgettable, but, oh, how forgettable was she! Season 10's 13th place finisher might have impressed the judges who picked her as their wild card thanks to her clichéd reality TV attitude, but Ashthon proved to be television Ambien during her performances of "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" and "Love All Over Me." Consider yourself lucky FremantleMedia pulled all her performances off the Web for copyright's sake.
7. Ryan Starr, Season 1It's easier to tear up the Season 1 contestant than it was for her to tear up her own clothes — Ryan's on-stage demeanor was as obnoxious as her last name, and her singing as sharp as her looks. The singer's future as a tired reality star certainly didn't help matters (she appeared in series like The Surreal Life and Battle of the Network Reality Stars), but bonus points should be rewarded for the reported behind-the-scenes brawl with fellow Season 1 maligned singer Nikki McKibbin.
6. John Stevens, Season 3The ginger crooner's audition was a welcome change of pace among Idol's diva-friendly space, but no Sinatra-esque charm will ever forgive that ear-splitting performance of Elton John's "Crocodile Rock" during Top 9 week. (Even more unforgiveable was the fact that Stevens survived the week unscathed.) In fact, Stevens' tenure on the show — during which he mangled songs like "My Girl," "As Time Goes By," and "Music of My Heart" — was so painful, his audition is the only piece of it the Internet was willing to salvage.
NEXT: The Worst Idol of All Time
5. EJay Day, Season 1The contestant was dramatically brought back to Season 1 of Idol after Delano Cagnolatti was disqualified for lying about his age, and then fell flat during his first finalist performance. Even more offensive than a waste of TV drama was the fact that Day ever shared the stage with Idol behemoth Kelly Clarkson.
4. Haley Scarnato, Season 6Yes, there was someone worse on Season 6 than Sanjaya. Say what you will about the boy wonder, but at least he proved to be a conversation starter. Scarnato, on the other hand, was just as vocally spotty as her hated Season 6 cohort, with a personality as bland as her pageant song choices. There has been no Idol contestant more worthy of the fast-forward button. Nice legs, though.
3. Camile Velasco, Season 3On Idol, the Hawaiian-born Camile sold herself as Rasta (as evidenced by the red, yellow, and green wristband she wore throughout her tenure on the show), but came off as merely raspy. Not quite the cool chick we had hoped for, Velasco trotted out hackneyed and schmaltzy songs that didn't at all fit her vocal style, like "One Last Cry," "Son of a Preacher Man," and "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" — to some, the worst performance in Idol history. A lethal combination of confusing and boring, viewers were ready to say "Aloha" to the singer after her disastrous Elton cover.
2. Paige Miles, Season 9Because there's nothing more ridiculous than claiming Michael Jackson's death was responsible for your unlistenable performance of Nat King Cole's "Smile." (And nothing more unforgiveable than being the 7th Idol to perform the groan-worthy "Against All Odds.")
1. Tim Urban, Season 9The contestant had the looks... and absolutely nothing else. Dull, unoriginal, and average, Tim was the poster boy for Season 9's sad crop of talent. The fact that we had to endure nine live performances from the six-pack-rocking teenage dream was bad enough (do you remember "Under My Thumb"? No? Good!), but the fact that he outlasted the unceremoniously booted Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly, and Alex Lambert was nothing but a nightmare. No one Idol contestant turned the long-running reality series into must-miss television as Tim.
[Image Credit: Michael Becker/Fox]
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Top Story: Barrino Takes Idol Title
The vivacious, gospel-trained Fantasia Barrino became the third American Idol winner Wednesday, claiming the victory for her 2-year-old daughter. "I fought so that my child can have the best," said the 19-year-old single mother from High Point, N.C., who had a 1.3 million-vote edge over rival Diana DeGarmo, The Associated Press reports. When asked backstage about those who might be critical of her single parenthood, Barrino replied: "I feel like a good mom. I'm a strong woman now. ... Don't look down on me. Pray for me because I'm trying." The usually acid-tongued judge and music producer Simon Cowell had only glowing things to say about Barrino, telling America they got it "100 percent right." He also added after the ceremony, "There aren't many other artists in America right now that I'd prefer to have on my label." Runner-up DeGarmo said backstage, "I'm definitely recording an album," adding with a smile, "And Fantasia, you better watch out because I'm coming with one." The top 10 performers from the show's third season, including Barrino, DeGarmo, George Huff, La Toya London, Jasmine Trias, Amy Adams, Jennifer Hudson, Jon Peter Lewis, John Stevens and Camile Velasco, will hit the road for a national summer tour.
Jackson's Lawyers Want Evidence Turned Over
Lawyers for Michael Jackson claim the prosecution in the child molestation case still needs to turn over some 300 items that were seized in sheriff's raids at the pop star's Los Olivos home and other locations last November, the AP reports. In a May 13 motion made public Tuesday, prosecutors indicated they had turned over more than 1,100 pages of documents, including police reports and summaries of witness interviews, 51 audiotapes and two videotapes since January, but added that some items are not available because they are still undergoing forensic examination. Jackson's lawyers are requesting the judge set a deadline for prosecutors to turn over the materials and warned the volume of evidence they want to examine could force a delay in the trial, which the judge has said he wants to begin this year.
MTV Nixes Super Size Me Ads
Music cabler MTV refused to air advertisements for Super Size Me, a documentary that takes a critical look at the health impact of a fast-food-only diet, Reuters reports. According to a statement released by film's distributors, Roadside Attractions and Samuel Goldwyn Films, MTV called the ads "disparaging to fast-food restaurants." But an MTV spokeswoman disputed the claim, saying the network was willing to run the commercial but the distributors turned it down. She did not, however, provide details of the negotiations. Super Size Me has been a hit at box offices by documentary standards, grossing $2.9 million in ticket sales and earning filmmaker Morgan Spurlock the Grand Jury Prize for best documentary director at this year's Sundance Film Festival.
NAACP Honors Haysbert, Smiley
PBS talk-show host Tavis Smiley and actor Dennis Haysbert, best known for his role as the president of the United States on Fox's political drama 24, were among those honored at an annual awards dinner held by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) Tuesday night, AP reports. The dinner was in honor of the 50th anniversary of the U.S. Supreme Court's decision in "Brown v. Board of Education," the historic ruling that heralded the official end of segregation in education, housing and work.
Missing Last Samurai Novelist Found
The Last Samurai novelist Helen DeWitt was found in good condition Wednesday by Niagara Falls, N.Y., police--the same day she was reported missing by New York City's police department. DeWitt had been missing since Tuesday morning when she was last seen near her Staten Island home, prompting police to ask for help in finding her. Later on Wednesday, New York City police said the 46-year-old author was found in good condition by the Niagara Falls Police Department and taken to a hospital for evaluation, the AP reports. No other details were immediately available. Her critically acclaimed debut novel The Last Samurai (unrelated to Tom Cruise's latest movie of the same name) tells the story of a single mother and her 4-year-old son, who obsessively watches the classic Japanese film Seven Samurai.
Judge Dismisses Attempt to Evict Bianca Jagger
Judge Anthony Fiorella Wednesday dismissed a New York landlord's attempt to evict Bianca Jagger, who is suing her landlord, Katz Park Avenue Corp., over mold she says was making her four-room Park Avenue pad uninhabitable, Reuters reports. Jagger, the former wife of Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger, was served with an eviction notice earlier this month while pursuing the $20 million lawsuit. She claims she has been living out of suitcases at friends' homes for almost three years because of a mold infestation in the apartment. The judge dismissed the eviction proceeding and also indicated it would be inappropriate for the landlord to refile an eviction proceeding against her, at least until Jagger's lease expires next February.
Sarah Jessica Parker To Star in Gap Ads
Sarah Jessica Parker, who played columnist Carrie Bradshaw on the hit HBO comedy Sex and the City, will appear in a marketing campaign for Gap set to debut in August, the AP reports. The choice isn't a surprising one, considering women nationwide imitated the TV fashionista's eclectic sense of style and over-the-top sexy ensembles. "Gap has always been about individual style, and no one represents this philosophy better than Sarah Jessica Parker," Gary Muto, president of Gap, said in a statement Wednesday. "She looks as amazing in jeans as she does in couture." The company said this is the first time it will be working with a celebrity on a broader scale than a one-time appearance in a print or TV ad campaign.
Role Call: Cattrall Turns Down Sex Movie, Paltrow in Dietrich Film
Kim Cattrall , meanwhile, said no thanks to a feature film based on the hit HBO comedy Sex and the City, prompting the cabler to drop the project. According to Variety, some of the sticking points in the negotiations were that Cattrall wanted script approval, which her co-stars Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis were denied. The trade newspaper also reported Cattrall wanted the same fee as Parker--the show's central character--and was rejected ... Gwyneth Paltrow will produce and star in a feature film based on the biography Marlene Dietrich, written by the German screen siren's daughter, Maria Riva. There is no start date yet for the project, whic
Top Story: Disney Blocks Moore Documentary
The Walt Disney Co. has moved to stop its Miramax Films subsidiary from distributing Oscar-winning filmmaker Michael Moore's upcoming documentary Fahrenheit 911. The documentary touches on the personal relationship between President George H. W. Bush and Osama bin Laden's family as well as the events that led Bush and bin Laden to become enemies. According to a report Wednesday in the New York Times, Moore's agent, Ari Emanuel, said Disney CEO Michael Eisner expressed concern the release of the film would endanger tax breaks Disney receives for its theme park and hotels in Florida, where President Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, is governor. But one Disney executive denied that allegation, telling the Times the company did not want to be seen taking sides in the election and risk alienating customers of different political views. In a statement, Moore said: "I would have hoped by now that I would be able to put my work out to the public without having to experience the profound censorship obstacles I often seem to encounter. The whole story behind this (and other attempts) to kill our movie will be told in more detail as the days and weeks go on. All I can say is, thank God for [Miramax Chairman] Harvey Weinstein and Miramax, who have stood by me during the entire production of this movie." Fahrenheit 911, which was slated for release in July, will still premiere in competition at the Cannes Film Festival this month.
Idol Finalists Hit the Road
In what has become a sort of tradition, the top 10 finalists from Fox's third American Idol season have made plans for a summer North American tour. The finalists include Fantasia Barrino, Diana DeGarmo, George Huff, Jasmine Trias and La Toya London as well as the already voted out Amy Adams, Camile Velasco, Jennifer Hudson, John Stevens and Jon Peter Lewis. Reuters reports the 48-city tour will kick off July 14 in Salt Lake City and end Sept. 26 in San Jose, Calif. The two-hour American Idol season finale is scheduled for May 26.
Anna Nicole Launches Clothing Line
Former Guess? model and Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith is planning to create a clothing line with the trendy outfitter Von Dutch, Extra reports. Smith, whose real name is Vickie Lynn Hogan, is currently on a world tour promoting the weight loss company Trim Spa, to which she credits having lost 69 pounds. The 36-year-old entertainer's reality TV series The Anna Nicole Show, which followed her daily misadventures, was canceled after ratings slipped from their all-time high in August 2002 when the series debuted.
Madonna Kicks Up Privacy Efforts
Madonna, meanwhile, is kicking the fight to keep hikers off her $16 million English country estate up a notch. Reuters reports a public inquiry opened Wednesday to look into whether English walkers, known across the pond as "ramblers," can saunter through Madonna and Guy Ritchie's 1,200 acre Ashcombe House estate in Dorset, southwest England--of which 100 acres has been defined as open country and therefore open to the public. The couple argues the land should be reclassified as "semi-improved" grassland because it is used for shooting game, which would define it as agricultural land and exclude it from public access. The inquiry is expected to last five days, with a verdict due this summer.
Usher Misses Chilli
R&B singer Usher recently told Rolling Stone magazine that every once in a while he thinks about calling his ex, TLC's Chilli. The two ended their highly publicized relationship earlier this year. "Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did call [Chilli]," he said. "Would it become a good thing or would it become a bad thing? I think it's best that I don't call." The couple and Chilli's son lived in Usher's Atlanta home before the split. Chilli is now reportedly dating Baltimore Ravens football star Ray Lewis.
Emmys Test Online Voting
The Emmys will become the first major award show to offering online voting, Variety reports. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has sanctioned online voting for its interactive television Emmy and is pegging it as a test run for a system that may be expanded to the rest of its awards. "The technology is here, and it is only fitting that the Interactive Media Peer Group sets the precedent for online voting with this particular Emmy Award," ATAS chairman Dick Askin told Variety. "We hope it is a process that will be extended in the future to other Emmy Award categories."
Frasier May Live On
Could another incarnation of Frasier be in the works? As the long-running series comes to an end this year, Variety reports that according to industry insiders, Paramount topper Garry Hart met with NBC execs to discuss possibly extending the Frasier franchise, chronicling the next phase in Dr. Frasier Crane's life. All parties involved are declining comment, but industry insiders told Variety NBC opted against continuing the franchise, giving Paramount free reign to shop a new Frasier show to another network. It's unclear if star Kelsey Grammer would continue his Frasier character in a third series, but Grammer, who has played Frasier Crane for 20 years, has made it clear that he wouldn't have minded if Frasier continued on.
Another HIV Case Hits CA Porn Industry
A fourth adult film performer, a transsexual actress who goes by the stage name Jennifer, has tested positive for the virus that causes AIDS but the case is unrelated to an outbreak that virtually shut down pornography production last month, an industry health care official told Reuters on Tuesday. The performer had last performed a sex scene on Feb. 27 with two male actors who have since tested negative, according to Sharon Mitchell of the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation. "This is an open-and-shut case of genealogy," she told Reuters. "We think it's contained."
Role Call: Amityville Horror Revisited
British commercial director Andrew Douglas will make his feature film debut with an update of the 1979 thriller The Amityville Horror. The original, starring James Brolin, Margot Kidder and Rod Steiger, centered on a newlywed couple who move into a mysterious house where all sorts of strange things happen.
Kit Bowen contributed to this report.